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One of the many failed youPod ads, by Apple.

The youPod was an iPod-like device created by Apple in conjunction with Microsoft--but didn't you already know that?. No one, not even you, is entirely sure of how this was able to occur; Stephen Hawking predicts that Apple and Microsoft are like matter and antimatter--when they meet, they annihilate each other. In any case, the youPod was geared towards public outcry that Apple was being self-centered and having high blood pressure, and that you wanted some changes. Why are you even reading this, anyway? You're just as self-centered and haughty as Apple was when you suggested it! You hypocrite! You should be condemned to Paraguay!
the youPod was such a great idea that it inspired the youPhone. Also by Apple and Microsoft.

The AntiPod[edit | edit source]

As stated, the youPod was created as an anti-'Pod to the iPod. Thus, the youPod and iPod will one day meet in a final battle to determine which shall be the and only 'Pod of pleasure. This battle will take place in your front lawn. (See Highlander.) "There can be only one!" you recently said in an interview with Time magazine. "Its not about being the 'Pod; it's about being cool and playing up beat contemporary music for mid-30-year olds such as myself," you explained in a follow up interview. The fight is schedueld for a time span of November 12, 2006-July 31, 3029. The only strange thing was that Bill Clinton supported them by promising a suite in heck. You disagreed completely. Interestingly, the triPod won.

Origins of the youPod[edit | edit source]

You sent in a letter to Apple on December 21, 1865, in reference to their pretentious, self-centeredness with their title of "iPod." You wanted some change, some recognition of the masses who purchased products like this. Your friends also suggested that you set up some sort of collaboration with Microsoft to make everything one big happy family with you right in the center of everything. Your letter read, in its entirety:

Dear idiots:

I hate your title of "iPod," you self-centered ingrates! Why can't you give us consumers some recognition? And what about Microsoft? Why not come up with an MP3 player for us, called, say, the youPod? I look forward to hearing from you again, you slime-eating mothballs. Sincerely,

(Here you signed your signature.)

Apple and Microsoft met and decided to create a team with you heading it up. You valiantly led your team through thick and thin, flood and famine, times of coffee and times of lack of coffee, and the streets of backwoods Connectthedots, and your efforts paid off: Thanks to you, the youPod now exists.

Types of the youPod[edit | edit source]

Several varieties of the youPod.

You suggested that Apple/Microsoft create several different varieties of the youPod. Well, your suggestions resulted in:

  • youPod (first-generation): Very basic, it came in one color (white), a one-pixel display and had enough space for 10 songs.
  • youPod (second-gen): Once again, white, but with a color display.
  • youPod (third-gen): Now in three colors--white, off-white, and eggshell--a four-pixel display, enough space for 30 songs, and was pre-loaded with MS-DOS 1.0.
  • youPod (fourth-gen): Now in five colors--white, off-white, eggshell, fuschia, and mud--a 100-pixel-square display, enough space for 100 songs, and pre-loaded with Windows 3.1.
  • youPod (fifth-gen): Now in 256 million colors, a 1.5-square-inch display, enough space for 10,000 songs, and was pre-loaded with Windows XP.
  • youPod (fifth-gen special edition): Essentially, the same as the fifth-gen youPod, except you suggested that it should come with a "Do not remove under penalty of law" tag.
  • youPod (sixth-gen): The same as the fifth-gen youPod, except it had enough space for 10,001 songs and Beowulf.
  • youPod (seventh-gen): The same as the sixth-gen, except it now has room for 20,000 songs and a defibrillator.
  • youPod (eighth-gen): The same as the seventh-gen, exept it now has room for 60,000 songs and an E-Z bake oven
  • youPod 666:Comes in Red, has horns and Satans face on the back. Holds 666 songs and comes with Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast pre-installed.
  • HD-youPod: With a 27" HD screen, space for 100,000 songs, 42 hours of movies and a pizza maker.
  • HD-youPod (second-gen): Same as above, but with a 48" screen.
  • HD-youPod (third-gen): Same as above, but with a 60" screen.
  • HD-youpod (third-and-one-half-gen): Same as above, but with a 61" screen.
  • Plasma youPod: Space for 9,999 songs, a plasma screen, and space for your wallet presented themselves in this edition of the youPod.
  • youPod Shuffle: With a random playlist setting, you could also play shuffleboard on it. That's pretty much it.
  • youPod Photo: This youPod came with a 2-picture capacity, this youPod always used the Poincare recurrence theorem to distort your pictures to the point of nigh-unrecognizability.
  • youpod photo (second-gen): Same as above except with a 20 picture capacity.
  • youpod photo (third-gen): Same as above except with a 50 picture capacity.
  • youpod photo (forth-gen): Same as above except with a 100 picture capacity.
  • youpod photo (fifth-gen): Same as above except with a 200 picture capacity.
  • youPod Video: This youPod could only play video, and had enough space for 20 minutes. You can record video with it.
  • youPod Video (second-gen): Same as above except with a 60 minute capacity.
  • youPod Video (third-gen): Same as above except with a 6 hour capacity.
  • youPod Video (forth-gen): Same as above except with a 7 hour capacity.
  • youPod HD-Video: Same as above, but with HD; it is much larger than its predecessor, and holds 2.2 seconds of HD footage. Sadly becuase of the lack of memory it was a major flop
  • youPod HD-Video (second-gen): Same as above except can hold 20 minutes of HD fotage.
  • youPod HD-Video (third-gen): Same as above except can hold 180 minutes of HD fotage.
  • youPod Micro: This youPod holds 5 songs and was created to be small; it requires a magnifying glass to see.
  • youPod Micro (second-gen): This youPod holds 1 song and requires an optical microscope to see.
  • youPod Micro (third-gen): This youPod doesn't hold any songs, and to see it you need an electron microscope.
  • youPod Atom This new youPod was completely invisible under any magnification, there were problems with batteries running out after the first half life but people were unable to find them to send them for replacements. Another frequent problem was that in the design there was no space for head pone jack, causing record complaints.
  • youPod Giga: Only four million of these are being created. They are the size of Jupiter and most of them are being sent to other solar systems with all recorded music ever created by mankind to prove that there is no other intelligent life in the Universe. This was your idea.
  • youPod Nuke: Essentially a youPod with the explosion power of a thousand suns. NOTE - TO PURCHASE A youPod Nuke - you must be a muslim extremist and have been an Iraqi resident for eight minutes or more.
  • youPod iGame: The first youPod with built-in support for games. It contains a slightly changed version of the popular game "space invaders" but instead of controlling the spaceship, you control the enemy aliens and kill the spaceship known as "Micro Soft". It can hold 2.3294 songs. Like the youPod photo, it comes with a 1/2-picture capacity.
  • youPod iGame 2: same as the youPod iGame but also has a slightly changed version of the the game "donkey kong" but now you play as a gorilla running away from a homicidal plummer named "Micros Oflt. also it holds 3.14 songs and 2 1/2 pictures.
  • youPod iGame 3: same as the youPod iGame 2 except it also features a slightly modified version of the game "Doom" but now you play as zombies trying to kill a marine named M. Cirosoft on Mars. Hold 10.123456789 songs and 5.55555 photos.
  • youPod iAmLost: The first Osama Bin laden Designed music device, used by him to find his way out of the bloody desert. Like all microsoft products, it was unreliable and he has not been able to be contacted.
  • youPod phony: a piece of $H@% meant to look like a youpod. may cause mesothelioma.
  • youPod phony baloney: same as above except baloney scented exterior
  • Mc-youPod: a red youPod with the Mc-donalds golden arches on the top of it. with it one can order Mc-stroke causing Mc-food form any Mc-point of the Mc-world using its state-of-the-art GPS transmitting system. With the GPS transmitter one may order any meal anywhere and the meal is airdropped to your location for your convenience Holds 50 songs and comes preloaded with the McDonald's jingle 'Ba-da-bop-ba-ba-i'm-lov'n-it'
  • YouTwat: Instead of songs, plays direct insults towards the listener, done in a screaming manic fashion. Wildly popular.
  • YouWilde: Produces humorous quotes in a pseudo-British accent.

youPod Sales[edit | edit source]

Because of the youPod, you are now a multi-billionaire. You're richer than Bill Gates, but he won't admit it. The folks at Apple and Microsoft hired you to be a consultant, and the RIAA is now suing you for copyright infringement. Everyone envies you for your massive domination of the MP3 culture, and plenty of people think you are pretentious and your product is only for rich folks who listen to this music anyway (i.e. Limp Bizkit, Green Day, Fallout Boy). But at least you didn't invent the iPod, because that would make you a selfish fool.

It's sales were so great that it even inspired the youPhone