~ Oscar Wilde on having a good time“Hammer Time!”
~ MC Hammer on U cant touch this
No one remembers what Time time began but Einstein put a lot of time into trying to find out what it was all about. He wanted to try and collect time itself using an apparatus which is similar to an empty hourglass which collected time in the bottom for his own nefarious ends. Unfortunately, before Einstein finished his experiment, his pet cat, Mr. Tiggles, knocked the hourglass over and the time was released.
The Weight of Time[edit | edit source]
There have been certain dissenters of the popular opinion that time does not have weight-- this however, is false. Time does indeed have weight. If time did not have weight, it would then be weightless. One litre of time weighs roughly 6.2 kg, liquid time does in fact take the shape of its container but depending on the container it may weigh less, this is due to the WeightTime principle in which weight and time are not separate entities but in fact one in the same, solid and gas time are completely different things.
Time is also the abbreviated species name of the Anthropoda Clockulus bird. A bird that flies extremely fast when it is having fun, but goes very slow otherwise.
Time Travel also exists, and is a way to travel to a time when time was in the past. The approximate time it takes to travel in time is 4.2 seconds, It is also advised to not kill yourself, of fuck your mother, grandmother, grandfather, father or pet Iguana.
A Brief History of Time[edit | edit source]
There are 14 prevailing schools of thought on the History of Time. All of these are incoherent messes as anyone who has come to fully understands fundamental basis of time is invariably crushed to death, as explained later in the article.
Theory # -1
Time has happened, is happening, and will happen. It just did, and what would have happened then just did and now has happened. That phenomenon, known as the "Holy Shit, My Head Hurts" phenomenon, is constantly occurring and will forever occur, and has just occurred.
Theory # 0
Time could be NOW... Or even NOW... But not yesterday... That is past... NOW... What is written NOW... Is NOW past... So the time has gone...
Theory # 1 Time was invented by Thomas Edison in 1873 BLT when he was sitting under a strawberry tree and and an apple fell on his head. He went into his Malibu mansion to take a bath. While he was in the bath, he looked at the water he displaced and he thought to himself, "It must have taken a long time for an apple to grow from a strawberry tree", so he invented a device to monitor how long it takes for an apple to grow from a strawberry tree. It was a funny glass thing where sand flowed from the top to the bottom. He called it "watch". Because people watched it a lot those days.
Thomas Edison along with his team of scientologists divided time into the world standard that we use today.
Seconds (Olde English)- a term used when a person goes back to the buffet line to get more food.
- 1 Second - time it takes for an apple to fall 10 meters (or metres in Olde [or Old in New Englsh] English)
- 60 seconds - time it takes for 60 pineapples (the existence of pine-apples conveniently mediates the units of apples and trees) to fall 10 meters when they all are dropped at the same time from vertices of a 60-sided regular polygon.
1 Mili-second - 1/100 of a second GMT
1 Jiffy - A type of scottish jig, traditionally performed with lube.
1 Minute = 73 seconds, the difference in time between Michael Moore going on stage and being booed off.
119.53 seconds - the amount of time it takes to pour the perfect pint of guinness.
1 Hammer Time - the amount of time taken to NOT touch this.
1 Hour - time it takes to gather up and cook 60 apples in hot Cheese dip.... yummmm
1 whore - the time it takes to... shit, wheres my wallet?
2 whores - the ti... my feckin KIDNEY!???
24 Hours - how long it takes to recover from a hangover
25 hours - how long it takes to realize it wasn't a proper hangover to begin with, cause if it was... you'd be dead.
1 Month - 28 or more consecutive days ranging from 28 to 37 (later the maximum amount of days in a month was shortened to 35).
Year - Thomas Edison borrowed the term "year" from the Good Year Blimp when he noticed it could be spotted every 365 days on July 4th.
1 Eventually - Wait for it.... Wait for it.... NOW!
1 Soon - It will happen... not too much longer from now...
10 Years - 1 year times 10
Century - 1 year time century/1.236659874521625 to the power of -95213.3 times pi.
Millenium - Right around the corner.
Attosecond - Why Ask?
Backwards Time - too complicated for mere mortals like you to understand.......
Everytime - We say goodbye, i dieeeee a little.
Nap Time - For most Xbox Live users, it SHOULD be right about now.
And so on.....
Theory # 2 Time was invented by Fidel Castro in 1873, who also invented Purple. It was the first attempt by someone to explain why everything isn't happening simultaneously. The concept of time has been accepted by most scientists even though there is no evidence it exists. Even though Fidel Castro laid the conceptual groundwork for time it was your mother who wrote the standard work on time: 'Time, who cares? A introduction to time and other strange weird thingies'. This book claimed that time was square and a little bit bouncy. Time is most known for it's lack of practical uses. In 1899 Satan started the 'Practical Time Competition', giving away $100 for the first person to find a use for time. To date no person has entered this competition, which supports the majority opinion amongst laypeople that time is just a theoretical construct invented for the purpose of simplifying calculations of objects traveling at near the speed of light.
Theory # 3 Another theory, produced by Heidegger is that time is a relatively new invention, it was invented around 1650 by the dutch clockmaker Christian Huygens. Before Huygens matter was kinetically frozen and nothing was able to move or change. Conservation was total. This means that besides the normal physical laws of conservation of energy and momentum, there also existed a law of conservation of place. After the invention of time, Christian Huygens made a lot of money selling clocks (interestingly, the proof that money's existence follows from time's existence can be derived from E=mc^2 and t=$, but is too complex to be included in this article).
Theory # 4 Some geek scrolls, found on the ruins of a ancient geek bathroom, testimony that time was created by Euclid after he created space. Unfortunately in Euclidean space there is no movement, so there is no way his theory can be proven, however, this theory was said "perfect" by Oscar Wilde, then nowadays it is the most acceptable unacceptable theory ever made.
Theory # 5 Recent evidence shows that time was originally created when the mythical David the Yogo puked it up after seeing the color Onion. Before this, every year was -100, and that made kittens cry. It also was the time when people smoked huge amounts of pot so this theory shouldn't be taken seriosly
Theory # 6
Theory # 0.1337
there is not time for 1337. yes that is right hackers.pwnd
Theory # 7 Hidden Time exists. 1 + 2 = 4 and lets not forget 1+3+3+7=leet
Theory # 8 Time was a marketing scheme developed by the alarm clock industry in an effort to increase sales. See Valentine's Day.
Theory # 9 Time was invented in 1873 in Dublin by Shamus O'Clock.
Theory # 9.5 Time is not real. It's just a misspelling of the word "thyme" an herb known for how it maintains its flavor in the drying process and for symbolizing courage.
Theory # 10 Time was actually discovered by Gallagher inside of a watermelon during a show circa 1 A.D.. If this is the case then Billie Piper would have been born after the laws of cause and effect were grounded, and subsequently not have been able to obtain any money post-posthumously. It is said that the time, though completely unnoticeable through our senses, expanded throughout the universe. Scientists are still studying the "Watermeloverse" as it exists today.
Theory # 11 The reason clocks tell time is because time is really a brick. Ask a preschooler--they'll understand.
Theory # 12 or Bonochronometrics Is a theory that has developed over the past year by some wheelchair guy and has yet to be accepted by anyone. The premise is that Time itself is merely the quantumn equalizing effect due to the ebb and flow of Bono's ego. As Bono's ego grows larger and more unjustifiably everyday - the strain on the Universe as it attempts to rebalance the massive ego displacement threatens the very fabric of space itself - most notably and ironically in Africa where some crazy shit seems to go down. According to this theory, at it's current rate, Time is expected to collapse in on itself next Tuesday in a cataclysmic reverse asplosion.
Theory # 13 "Time is ticking". This theory is false, time does not tick, clocks do but not time.
Theory # 14
Time is you.
Theory # 15 your time is up!!! (or will be sooner than you would be comfertable with) -yours truly... Gawd.
Theory # X In the beginning, when there was nothing, there was also no time. The universe was at a stand still of 0, if interpreted as 0, time is nothing. However, when 0 has a meaning (as 0 is nothing), it may branch out, it may expand. It first attempted this by adding 0 to itself, however, the effect was negligible. The only way for 0 to expand was for it to be added to matter, in this case, 1. 1 plus 0 equals 1, so in theory, 1 has been created thus creating a flow in time to occur, as 1 was created, when something is created, it is created at a certain time, 1 was created and was the first ever thing to be created, meaning that it was made at the beginning of time, and at the beginning of time, more time had to be created in order to continue the flow. So in theory, 1 was the beginning of time.
Distortions in Time[edit | edit source]
Bad Things about Time[edit | edit source]
Time is a mass murderer. It has killed more people than any other entity, other than perhaps Bill Gates or Steve Ballmer. A reward of $1,000,000 has been placed on the head of time. This is metaphorically explored in the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Time is probably tough and indestructible. It's probably the toughest buckaroo this side of the Mississip'. I tell ya I ain't never seen anybody go up against time and make it out of the OK Corral alive. I've seen Oscar Wilde, Albert Einstein, Henry Winkler's career, and all of the Popes.
Good Things about Time[edit | edit source]
Time is a mass murderer. It has killed more people than any other entity, other than perhaps Bill Gates.
The recent discovery of the first cuboid planet has provided strong evidence that time is brown.
If time is money, and time is just the fourth dimension of space, considering the entire universe... HOLY SHIT THATS A LOT OF MONEY.
How to Waste Time[edit | edit source]
Listen to any song by Dragonforce or as they much more commonly known, Dragonfarce. (BEWARE : take care to take regular breaks while listening to Dragonforce songs, otherwise starvation may occur. Herman's solo has a death count of over 92.) Also a good and known way to kill time is play World of Warcraft (or join any MMORPG in general). The scientific formula for this method is Level + Number of Quests x500 = Amount of Time wasted total. See also Insomnia. Not to be confused with Sleep.
Recently scientists have conducted experiments resulting in an entire fortnight being blown up- everything within that fortnight was destroyed in the blast.
Time Stands Still at the Iron Hill[edit | edit source]
On July 19th, in the year 211 of the First Age, time stood still at the Iron Hill. This unusual occurrence was related to the Lord of All Noldor, the Star in the Night and the Bearer of Hope, riding into his Glorious Battle alone. Later analysis by the noted Professor of Timeology Davy Crockett revealed that this instance of time standing still would cause intense WTF Radiation that, if unchecked, would destroy the entire universe. In an attempt to save the universe, and by extension, his own hide, the pussy coward Davy Crockett tried to mix a Temporal Martini in order to spill it on Iron Hill and fix the problem. It worked (duh! if it didn't work would you be here reading this!?!? Of course not, you dumbass. Learn to think!).
Person of the Year[edit | edit source]
In 1927, Time began running an annual issue called "Man of the Year", later changed to "Person of the Year" when they decided to start shoving social justice down our throats. The issue features and metaphorically sucks off a person, a group, an idea, or an object (I know, right?) that "for better or for worse... has been mentioned in the most notifications that we receive but rarely read on our phones that year".
Misc[edit | edit source]
Oscar Wilde is known to have said a lot of things about time, but unfortunately nobody had time to write them all down, so they are lost forever. This does not prevent us from making up quotes about what he might have said.
Kathy Sue Time was the first nurse assigned to Alcatraz prison in 1934. Linguists have traced the phrase "doing time" back to prison guards in the mid to late 1930s. By the 1940s, prisoners nationwide had adopted the term.
Some believe it's possible to travel back or forward in time. Those of us who are competent know that's a load of crap, except when moving forward through time at a rate of one second per the time it takes a photon to travel 299792485 meters in a vacuum. However, no one has found a vacuum cleaner of adequate size (much less a floor), and the idea was termed a failure by competent people to unify time and movement theories, before being crushed to death, as explained later in the article.
Other Theories about Time and its Relation with Movement[edit | edit source]
There have been Theories that time does not really exist. This is because in order to measure time, you need a clock. In order for that clock to work, it has to exercise some kind of movement, therefore time is dependent on Movement, and not the other way around. Therefore Time=Movement and Movement=Time. Quite simple actually, take following example for example just to put one example:
If there was no movement, then a clock could not work and therefore it could not measure time and therefore time would not exist anymore. This is the ultimate Proof that Time does indeed not exist. Movement is the real 4th dimension. Time is just the Result if you put the 3 dimensions together with Movement.
So basically if you want to know what Time(Movement) it is, you would have to ask: excuse me, would you mind telling me what Movement it is? instead of excuse me, would you mind telling me what Time it is?
TIME has an integral part in the proof that Girls are Evil. Without TIME's part in all this, girls would still be sugar and spice and everything nice.
- The Proof
Now we all know that:
Now we all know that:
The Ham[edit | edit source]
Notation[edit | edit source]
There are only two ways to note time:
- 24h-system: A day has 24 hours, much more than only 12.
- 12h-system: A day is divided in only 12 hours, but there are two kinds of days which alternate, dark ones and bright ones. To see if it's dark or bright, there are two letters on the clocks "am" and "pm". These stand for "Amazing Mandarin" and "Putrid Mandarin." It's unknown who invented the terms, but that individual was clearly intoxicated at the time.
A 24h-day begins at 00:00 and ends at 24:00 which is actually the same. A 12h-day begins at 01:00 am/pm as am/pm is changing then. Intelligent people use the 24h-system, as they can count higher than a dozen. Consequently, fat people also can count higher than a dozen, and use the 24hr system-as well. Studies have shown that idiots with not enough time use the 12hr-System because they believe 2 12hr days are better than only 1 24hr days. There is a reason we call them idiots.
- It is said that the day would have 36 hours, but the gods thought it would be very funny to watch people running around everyday.
Chronon[edit | edit source]
A chronon is a particle of time. It is the official unit for quantized time. Its official realization is that it is a quantum of space-time, It quantizes space in a way which digitizes all things into chronological interactions. The quantized amount is one plank-unit per side for the four-dimensional tesseract hypercube. Or -5.39121*10+44 seconds. (Seconds is a unit of distance). Some people prefer using obscure units called "Metricks", though why they would want to trick themselves is open to question. Using this Frenched-up method, the side distance is -1.61624*10+35 metrick miles. (1 metrick mile = 2 qubits) To reach photons, which move considerably faster, chronons are known to hitch rides on Tachyons. The tachyon is the fastest subatomic particle in existence, and is released from plot holes. Black holes however suck up the bad writers in their vicinity, as a result tachyons are not released, so light in the area slows down. When the chronons reach them, as the photons have slowed down, the photons have started their descent into the black hole and the chronons' presence only facilitates this. Therefore light cannot escape the gravitational power of a black hole.
Those studying the relationship between time and movement claim this particle is a ludicrous impossibility; to distribute time it must move, but to move the action logically must be digitized into a chronological interaction, this would require still more chronons. These claims were never fully explained as those studying the relation between time and movement were soon crushed to death by superfluous chronons. One of things that no one had time to write down from Oscar Wilde on the topic of time was a reflection on these tragedies. It had to do with knowledge forever lost in the sands of time (irony?), the voiceless echoes that emanate through the veins of eternity, and an easy solution to global warming. All we know is that it was breath-takingly beautiful.
It should be noted that 1 metrick mile is 0.5% of a stadia, the cultured unit for barbarian people. For civilized people, you can fit 547 metrick miles into a 里.
An Unbrief History of Time[edit | edit source]
Time can be divided into 10 distinct periods.
The Caveman Period
And the LORD hath sayeth, "Let there be man and boy, and let them attempt to populate the land that I hath createth." And so was created Oscar Wilde and some blonde boy named Chad. And they had sexual relations (available on DVD at your local video store) and had 16,384 children, somehow, thus creating the first country, Chad. Chad (the boy) banished Oscar Wilde to the barren wastelands of Uncyclopedia and the family left Chad (the country) becuase there is NOTHING in Chad. Except for diseases like Herpes, Tourette's, and SEHS. They fled to Egypt to seek a more productive life because Chad had NOTHING. This period of time was known as the Caveman Period, but is considered incorrect because they did not live in caves as there are no caves in Chad. As a matter of fact, there is NOTHING in Chad.
The Egyptian Period
And so Chad, who had grown up, and his family lived in Egypt and built pyramids for unknown reasons. Many scientists suggest that they were used to store topaz or possibly urine samples, but the general concensus is that they were built as a monument to the god of the Rain, because it doesn't rain in Egypt. Or Chad. Actually, there is NOTHING in Chad. By now the population was around 100,000 and a bird.
The Greek Period
The Greek Period began when Chad and some of his descendants sailed across the Mediterranean Sea of Pee and founded Greece. Greece is actually a corruption of the Chaddish word Grease, which is the only thing the Greeks had for lube. However, the discovery of lube brought about the discovery of homosexuality which became a popular pastime in Greece. Chad died of homosexuality on December 25th, 1 A.D. which coincidentally coincided with the birth of Jesus and the invention of Christianity. All this turmoil threw time into the Dark Ages, or the Medieval Period.
The Medieval Period
The Medieval Period was begun by Pope Asparagus I who outlawed homosexuality. This enraged many people and birds and especially Satan. This created the Crusades. Once the Homosexuals found the Holy Grail, the Crusades ended and the Pope melted. The end of the Medieval Period gave rise to the Renaissance Period.
The Renaissance Period
The Renaissance began when the ways of ancient Greece were revived. This is why many nude statues were made during that time. It is also common knowledge that Michelangelo was gay. When Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean yellow and discovered Texas, everyone began relocating to Texas for unknown reasons. This lead to the Cowboy Period.
The Cowboy Period
It is common knowledge that everyone in Texas is a cowboy. Also, all cowboys are sexy. Their tan and smooth but muscular bodies, huge arm muscles and six-pack abs, their hard, enormous cocks, the hats and boots, the fact that they're shirtless most of the time...heh heh...I got a little carried away there...anyways, the cowboys rode around on their horses and often each other until the Nazis declared war on them.
The Nazi Period
The Nazis, led by Hitler, fought the cowboys because were jealous of the cowboys' hats. The French tried to defend the cowboys in battle but of course lost every battle. The unfortunate defeat of the cowboys led to the Female Period.
The Female Period
The Female Period lasted about five days and was the most terrible era in history, characterized by the dreaded PMS, or Poop-in-the-Mail Service.
The Modern Period
The Modern Period began with the invention of bubble wrap in England and the reincarnation of Chad. Also electricity was discovered, but that is less important. We currently live in the Modern Period. Chad got a job as a lifeguard in his spare time. ALSO Obama took another "day" off from Presidential duties during this era. The Apocalyptic Period
See also[edit | edit source]
- Time Person of the Year
- HowTo:Travel Through Time
- Brick smoking
- Rolling Stones
- UnScripts:Bureau of time management