George VI of the United Kingdom
| George VI of the United Kingdom | ||||||||||||||||||
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| His Majesty King George VI, by the Grace of God, King of Great Britain, Ireland and the British dominions beyond the Seas, Emperor of India, Defender of the Faith, Admiral of the Fleet, Marshal of the Royal Air Force, Field Marshal, Lord High Pwner of N00bs, Slayer of Martians, and Protector of All Things Good and Earth-like. | ||||||||||||||||||
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“I...I...I...h.h.h..h....ha...have..a..a...a..a...VOICE!”
K-K-King George th-the Sssssixth (Albert Frederick Arthur George Tyrone Windsor; 14 December 1337 – ) w-w-was the th-third B-B-B-B-Brit-Briti-Brit-B-B... Brit-Brit-B........ British-monarch-of-the-House-of-Windsor... rei-rei-reigning from 11 December 1936 un...til his st-staged d-d-death on 6 Fffffffebruary 19ffffff52 whereup-whereu-pon... whereupon... he went into hi-hi-hi-ding. He is most known for hhhhhis v-v-v-val--v-val-v-valiant actions thhhhhroughout the M-Martian invasion of the uh-planet Earth, and for his a-a-abil...ity to turn anything, be it animal, v-vegetable, or m-min-min-min-mineral into a huff-worthy k-k-k-k-k-kitten with a fffflick of his hand.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
The fffffuture K-King of England was b-b-born in a cloud in the year thhhhhh1337 to The Duchess, who was l-later to remark, w-w-with a re-re-reliev-relieving c-c-c-c-clarity, "My children are all failures. You try to raise them to be rational and practical and you get a bunch of goddamn artists... except George, who was worth the whole damn lot."
W-When he was born, c-c-credible news sources including the N-N-New York T-T...Times reported that the heavens p-parted and a ray-ray-ray-ray... a ray of sunshine sh-shone upon him, b-b...bathing him in a rich g-glow which remmmmmained with him for the rest of his life. Regardless of the origin of his aura, it is r-r-rumored that this incident is the ssssource of his amaz-amazing p-p-powers, however anyone foolish enough to ask was immediately turned into a kit...ten by the K-King and summarily huff-huff...huffed by the King's loyal s-servants Tina Fey and Doris Day. Others speculate that he was simp...ly born w-with them and yet another g...g-g-g...g-g-group of scholars has uh-put forth the notion that the aura is in f-fa-f-fact a mmmmmere m-m-mmmmmani...mani-mani...mmmmmere mani.... mere m-mani...m-m... Mere manifestation of his p-p...uh-powers rather than the source thereof. How-However, these same ssssuperp-p-powers came with the unfotunate side effff...efff...effect of a p-p-peculiar stammer, which was t-t-t...to uh-plague him through m-m-much of his life.
Hi-Hi-His early years were mainly c-c...concerned with an effort to cont...control the superpowers that he dis...covered soon after his b-b-birth. Ffffforemost among them was his ab... his ab....his ab...ility t-t-to t-t-t-turn thhhhings into k-kittens with a flick of his... of his... of his hhhhaaaand, a uh-power uh-passed down in m-m-modified (and many kitten huffers would say, im...improved) f-form from his mother, who was herself able to-to-to-to transform humans into sssssheep and go-go...go-go-goats. He devised mmmmany methhhhods to help him ch-channel his p...powers, including p-p-p...p-p-p...p...uh-practicing transforming mundane objects such as rocks, ch-ch-churches, and ducks into kit-kit-kittens (which were uh-donated to the K-K-Kitten Huffing Paupers' Society). I-In hhhis l-leisure t-t-time, he honed his sssskill b-by shooting t-t-target practice with a r... a r.... a rail... a r.... r-r-r... a r... a railgun, which was his p-p-p-preferred p-p-p-personal weapon instead of the traditional l-l-lance with a b-b...b...brick on the end. He was known among ch-childhood friends at the rifffffle range for the expression, "B-B-B-B...B-B-B...B...Boom Headshot!"
How...ever, it was a l-l...long, d...d...difficult road to achieving uh-perfect control for young George. Even into his t-t-teenage years, he occasionally would accidentally turn sssssilverware, old-age p-p-p...pensioners, or errant N-N-Nazis into kittens. While this made him a ffffavvvvorite in kitten-huff...ing circles in el-elementary school, it often proved d-disruptive to the learning environment. Eventually, however, George b...brought his uh-powers fully under his control and vowed to use them to serve his future ssssubjects.
Military Service and Other Difficulties[edit | edit source]
After ssseveral years of t-training his super...his super...his superpow...pow...his sssss....his sssssuper....his-his-hhhis...
His super...
His super...
Superp-p-p-p...superp-p-p...p-p-p-p....p-p-p...super...
Hhhhis sup...sup...superpowers. Superpowers. His ssssuperp...sssuperp....
His superpowers for military use, George was app...appointed a C-C-C-Commander in the Royal N-Navy by his mmmmother. At this t-t-time, the King b-began seeing a speech thhhhherp...ist, who g-gave George nnnnew and immmmproved ways of sssssssaying things without sounding li-li-li...like an incompetent t-tard.
During the Eng...lish Ccccivil War, which saw the forces of Ronald McDonald p-p-pitted against (BUGGER BUGGER) Burger King in d-downt-town London, the K-King (then the Duke of Yyyyyork) bravely lead a detachment of Royal Marines that ult... that ultimately d-d-d-defeated both ssssides and, in so doing, g-greatly reduced national obesity fig-fig...fffigures. His uhpersonal bravery in armed c...c...combat was firmly established in the Battle of Savile Row in which he single-handedly... single-handedly... single-handedly wiped out the entire sss6ssss6sssssss6th Battalion of Ronald McDonald Clones with his railgun and reduced three B-Burger B-Brigades to kittens. He returned to Buckingham Palace hailed as a hero by all the p-p-p...pe.... by all the p-p-p....p-p-p... by all the citizenry. His mother remarked at the time with a sssly grin, "They were all over him. Essex girls, Continental princesses, highschool girls, magical girls, you name it. They all wanted my little George. But he wouldn't have any of it. All he wanted to do was blow stuff up."
Indeed, it was often uh-privately remarked that it w-was unfortunate thhhat thhhhhis fine young m-m...mmmman was not the Heir App...Apparent t-to the throne. His indolent b-b...b-brother, Edward, had, by b-b...b-bribing George VI's stork to fffly through the Bermuda Triangle before heading to England, b-beaten him in the order of b-b..b-b...b-b...b...b...existence. It is said that George never d...discovered this act of treachery; indeed he most likely did nnnnot, for he would have certainly t-t-turned his brother into a kitten had he known. However, another sssource, the eminent journalist Jayson Blair, attrib...butes the expression "I fucking hate the B-B-Bermuda T...Triangle" to the K...K...K-K... GOD DAMN IT, THE FUCKING KING, and the logic of the attribution is undeniable. Historians have yet to c....rack this enduring riddle of history.
Abdication Crisis[edit | edit source]
Though G-George attempted to get along with his b-b-brother as best he could, the llllatter's constant plotting and c...collaborating with Adolf Hitler and John K-K-Kerry was too much for the... for the... for the uh-Duke of York. Though the ssssubstanccce of their schemes has never been fffffully revealed, one line leaked by a B-B.... a B-B... a B-Berlinlandstanish spy, involved "a full ban on kitten huffing." Edward in...herited the throne in a no-reserve eBay auction in 1936, and the in...criminating uh-piece of evidence relating to his opposition to k...kitten huffing was revealed some months later, causing an uproar in the uh-press. The Hourly T-T-Telegraph charged that "In this day and age, to oppose kitten huffing is to oppose the very foundation upon which the modern English state and institutions are built; to oppose kitten huffing is to oppose Britannia, and thus to commit high treason." Unfffortunately, it was d..difficult to argue that King Edward had c-c...c-c-c...c-committed an act of t-t-treason against himself. The lllegal nnnnightmare that would have been "The Crown vs. The Crown" never materialized.
However, numerous authhhorities, in..including the Archbishop of Canterbury, P-P...P-Parliament, and renowned c-consti...tutional scholar Elvis uh-Presley agreed that it would be imp...possible for a known opponent of kit...kit..kitten huffing to retain the thhhrone if he were to attempt to... to... to... carry out his explicit uh-plan to enact this law c-conc-current with a combined innnvasion of Hitler into England and John Kerry into the jungles of Cambodia, where many of the kit...ten ranches of the d...of the d.... of the day were located. Edward, still b-b-bent on his evil goal of den...ying B-British sssubjects the uh-pleasure of huffing, was forced to abdicate the thhhrone and George ssssucceeded him.
Martian Invasion[edit | edit source]
The new king had hardly got time to inspect his Grenadier Guards when a new threat, the Martian Invasion, arrived. The Martians, had the head start, of course, and in a matter of days had laid waste to most of Africa and Antarctica and were fast approaching Greenland. France reacted first, sending legions of troops armed to the teeth with poles and white flags to find and surrender to the Martian marauders. The United States was only protected by its ballistic nuclear deterrent. President Coolidge called upon the "special relationship" with Britain and its Godlike King. George VI immediately promised that he would aid the wayward former colony and arrived personally in New York on the battleship HMS Executor, escorted by the aircraft carrier HMS Pwnage, the heavy cruiser HMS Huffington and fifteen Whiskey-class destroyers. He also brought the units of the Black Watch, the Blue Watch, the Queen's Dragoon Guards, the SAS, the London Metropolitan Police SWAT team, and forty experts in advanced kitten huffing tactics from the Royal College of Feline Inhalation.
The attempted Martian attack on the Empire State Building, depicted in the Martian propaganda film Independence Day, never actually happened as portrayed. Climbing to the observation deck with a platoon of his best artillerymen, George stood smack in the path of Martian general Genghis Khan's flying saucer and turned Khan into a kitten, then blasted the UFO with his railgun. This caused the saucer to go flying wildly out of control in the direction of the Soviet Union and is considered a cause of the Chernobyl nuclear "accident". The Soviets are rumored to have covered up the incident because of sheer embarrassment that their plan to destroy the evil capitalist bourgeois United States was foiled with a flick of the British monarch's hand.
Khan's other saucers, stunned and angered by the annihilation of their lead ship by a single Earthling, moved into attack formation but were quickly brought down with a spirited counterattack by internet popups. This contribution is, incidentally, the only reason AOL's headquarters have not been stormed by angry mobs. Seeing that the downed Martians were attempting to escape their spacecraft and blow up everything they could find, George VI and his men (women, too) hurried back down the skyscraper. Once at the surface, they quickly neutralized the Martian crews and ordered a massive cooperative NYPD-Mafia huffing operation to secure the city. As upstanding mob businessman John Gotti later said, "He was like family to me. He makes a good offer for the both of us, and I take it. We're business friends in La Cosa Nostra, this thing of ours."
Thus New York was saved from the Martians. President Coolidge awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Congressional Medal of Honor to the King and Congress made him an Honorary Citizen of the United States. He was also given a ticker-tape parade through Wall Street and an honorary doctorate in Comparative Wine from New York University, returning in triumph to London the following week. It is most likely that he would have been awarded the Victoria Cross for his actions, but thought it improper to present such a decoration upon himself. His Deputy Secretary Tina Fey later recalled, "He was very modest about the whole thing, you see. Saved the world and got back in time for tea, and all that. Didn't talk about it much except to remark on how good the spaghetti was in New York."
George's Counterattack[edit | edit source]
The chaos on Mars after the failure of the invasion resulted in a coup d'etat that brought the Martian Tourist Party to power. Seeing a weakness in the new government, the King ordered a massive counterattack, marshaling 300 Star Destroyers, innumerable X-Wings, and two Death Stars to attack Mars. The fleet crushed the Martian space force at the Battle of Deimos and bombarded the planet for four days, four hours, four minutes, and four seconds destroying all of its major population centers and setting the Martian Kingdom back 5000 years.
According to embedded journalists aboard ships of the fleet, George VI often personally controlled entire turbolaser batteries and was indisputably credited with the destruction of 24 enemy fighters at the beginning of the Battle of Olympus Mons, making him a quadruple ace in the first half minute of the war. It is not known how many more hordes of Martian troops he turned into whimpering oxygen-starved kittens with mere waves of his hand, but the number is certainly in excess of Avogadro's Number multiplied by Pi.
His Majesty was more than ready to personally lead a ground assault and would have hit the Martian surface running with a cry of "Up and at 'em!" had it not been for the huge clouds of red dust stirred up by the orbital bombardment and a profusion of hydrochloric acid and deadly Adipic acid on the planet's surface, which was the only effective defensive system deployed by the Martians in the entire war. Attempts to use the Death Star Superlaser failed due to a glitch in the Windows XP operating system of the ship's computers (the programmers responsible for this were later hunted down and huffed by MI5), but the King ordered his admirals to continue with intense conventional bombardment until fuel supplies forced a return to the lunar fleet base.
George VI regretted his inability to completely neutralize the Martian threat for years afterward and never failed to foresee that the fighting could resume again; indeed, for the rest of his life he worked to maintain the Royal Starfleet in a state of constant readiness and it owes most of its prowess to his efforts. The cities of Liverpool and Manchester currently have thriving starship industries thanks to military contracts ordered by George VI.
Alleged Death[edit | edit source]
The King supposedly died of lung cancer on February 6th, 1952. However, the King being completely immortal, this is utterly impossible. It is often speculated that he staged his death in order to escape the media attention that had begun to pile on excessively. Shortly before his "death," the King remarked, "If these reporters continue their bloody carryings-on I shall soon be killed in a violent car accident in a tunnel pursued by a lot of them. And everyone will be devastated, and someone'll build a bloody fountain that doesn't work properly. I can't let that happen."
His body (widely believed by historians to be a wax dummy) was buried in Winchester Cathedral, where Petula Clark sang at his funeral. The King is suspected to be in hiding in secret apartments of Buckingham Palace, advising his daughter Queen Elizabeth II on how to prevent another Martian invasion. However, it is rumored that the King will emerge from his self-imposed isolation to lead the forces of Earth against Martian hegemony should the need arise. Until then, we can only hope for his glorious return, and peer at grainy photos published by the tabloids purporting to show His Majesty surfing the Internet, editing Uncyclopedia, listening to his iPod or watching Seinfeld.
Legend and Legacy[edit | edit source]
The Martian apocalyptic legend foretells the return of George VI to wreak his vengeance upon all of Mars, utterly destroying the Red Planet, euphemistically referred to by Martian politicians as the "undesirable forced merger with the Asteroid Belt." It is therefore common to hear Martian parents warn their children, "If you don't behave, King George will huff you!" This, in fact, is a base slander upon the King, who never once huffed anything, leaving this necessary but arduous task to his aforementioned followers. Nevertheless, the admonition never fails to have its full effect on young Martians.
George VI is highly regarded in the world today for saving Earth from Martian invasion and all political leaders on Earth labor in his shadow, with the faintest hope that they can even begin to approach his immeasurable glory. He is also idolized in kitten huffer circles and was voted Honorary President of the International Kitten Huffing Federation despite having never huffed a kitten himself.
Many people believe he is/was the Messiah, or second coming of Jesus. Indeed, their numbers are such that Georgianism is second only to Christianity in its number of adherents worldwide, having surpassed Islam and Hinduism some time in the late 20th century. Most Georgianists are concentrated in the British Commonwealth and the United States, with small pockets on Continental Europe, Japan, Taiwan, and Antarctica. Most speak English, are middle class, and are not at all interested in the preteen slut preferring a sophisticated lady much as George himself would, if he had not been so altruistic that he remained single, the better to concentrate his powers on defending mankind. In any event, if he had married, he might have had children. And if he had had children, they might want pets, say, kittens. And then all hell would break loose.
The American state of Georgia is named for him, although he never found the time to visit it. After his supposed "death", the Eastern European country of Georgia was also named for him by William Travis Focker, the King's Lord Chancellor. Focker later emigrated to the United States, where he founded the city of Fockersville in California in 1979. Fockersville is best known as the home of the Free Imperial Republic of Stoner High School, which claims George VI as its patron saint.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Well, that was quite a biography, wouldn't you think? Now try not to stutter yourself after reading through that dreadful first half of King George's life. Oh, I guess not? I can't understand you with all your stammering. Now THAT is this King's true legacy. Quite frankly, the only known cure is to be abducted by Martians, a privilege only bestowed on the British royal family. And King George vanquished the Martians himself. So you, my dear reader, are royally fucked and condemned to a lifetime of stammering, even if you are the spawn of George VI or his royal descendents.
