New York University
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“In Soviet Russia, NYU goes broke paying YOU!”
“I got kicked out for cheating in my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.”
New York University is a private university located in New York City, or so it claims. As it is a private university of the highest order, hipsters seeking to attend must agree to sign over their firstborn or their immortal souls in order to finance a four-year education (currently estimated at $200,000,000,000,000 for four years). Foreign hipsters must surrender the gold reserves of their respective home countries.
History[edit | edit source]
New York University was created in 1831, when various wig-wearing men dressed in black gathered together in Washington Square under the hanging tree and conceived a conspiracy to buy up every fucking piece of property in Greenwich Village (then called Green Acres). Early professors included telegraph inventor/slavery champion Samuel Morse, drunken former congressman Davy Crockett (1834-5) and Traveler, Robert E. Lee's horse (who gained tenure in 1869 - the university's first student union bore his name).
NYU originally had two campuses, one in the University Heights area of the Bronx and one in Greenwich Village. However, the Bronx campus was overrun by C.H.U.D.S in the Sewer Mutant Uprising of 1973, and the radioactive remains of the campus were sold to the Church of Scientology later that year. It is believed that baby Suri, or the robot that poses as her, was constructed at this facility. It now currently houses the Bronx Community College and has some outstanding architecture that makes the Washington Square campus and it's buildings look like dog vomit.
As of today, NYU has no physical campus. A small park with homeless people, hipster douchebags, and construction workers is the only area resembling a college campus and that too is just an awful place to spend time. You can blame the Gaylord Tisch Family and Mike Bloomberg for ruining the park.
NYU Today[edit | edit source]
NYU's Board of Trustees, which includes local luminaries such as Michael Bloomberg's mother, the Dell guy, Spike Lee and Satan, has embarked upon a 20-year capital campaign to convert the entirety of Lower Manhattan into dormitory space and Starbucks. Their drive is opposed by various feeble community organizations and the Catholic Church, whose monastic ninjas battle the NYU Department of Public Safety during moonless nights and saints' feast days.
NYU is composed of several colleges, including the Stern School of $$$, the Tisch School of the Arts (with even fewer heterosexual students than you can imagine), the Gallatin School of I-Won't-Have-a-Job-After-Graduation (where the Olsen Twins were), the Steinhardt School of Miscellany, the College of Arts and Science, and some little colleges that don't matter. NYU also maintains world-renowned graduate schools in the field of medicine, law (see: Feldman, Fully Fuckable (Noah)]]\\) and Sudoku. The university enrolls about 50,000 students, none of whom socialize with each other.
The 30 or so straight males that attend NYU are fat bulbous creatures who have little to no chance with the overly stuck up and ditzy girls who occupy the majority of NYU's student body. Most of said girls are actually mentally handicapped and only attend NYU as to further line its greedy purple pockets with more cash. To date, no straight male at the university has ever copulated with a female. These females though are notorious for dating older men from Brooklyn with names like "Chazz" and "Dominique".
Admissions[edit | edit source]
NYU thinks of itself with the highest regard. Because of this, NYU hires specific admissions officers to admit only those who can pay the full tuition, or can finance a new building. See above.
Areas of Study[edit | edit source]
Majors are plentiful in NYU, from B.S in Douchebaggery to a BA in Garbage Art. We specialize in useless majors with a focus on "never going to use this" minors. Our diverse studies lets our students choose from our liberal arts or the extremely liberal arts education track. By the time you graduate we promise you will be the most open minded starving artist living in Brooklyn spreading the useless knowledge you learned here. Don't want to graduate, stay a student forever in our special slacker program, where you will study the art of rolling the perfect joint.
The NYU nickname[edit | edit source]
New York University is a backronym of NYU created due to the fact that NYU's letters originally stood for "Now You're Unemployed". THIS NYU was the original school motto, and is still printed on all NYU graduation certificates (originally called diplomas, but changed as this was not considered politically correct)
NYU's school color is violet, because someone planted violets around the university buildings a billion years ago and some jackass thought that it would be a great nickname to the students, which is even dumber than it sounds when you think that, at the time they made up the fucking nickname, it was the Victorian era and everyone wore black anyway. The school's sports teams are also called the Violets and the Lady Violets, which seems especially redundant. The NYU symbol is a torch, symbolizing the intense fire that burns away the hopes, dreams and savings of those attending the university.
The school's current president is J.Sex, who is assisted by various other officials and a small army of house elves. The school's newspaper, the Washington Square News, has been published since 1973, and no one has seen or heard from any of its staff since that date. The school is said to have a radio station operated by emo hipster fucks, but as no one has cared enough to listen to it, this cannot be confirmed.
NYU's campus is centered around the Silver Center, one of many, many buildings named for wealthy Jews. NYU's another nickname is NYJew (or GayYJew or Gay, Why you Jew?) because of the gigantic power and number of Jewish/Gay people over New York University. Several hundred students have been trapped in its elevators since the late 1980s.
Because campus politics lean toward the liberal side of the spectrum, the local College Republicans are especially vicious as a counterweight, and have been known to eat small children outside P.S. 121 as a means of undercutting public education.
Sports[edit | edit source]
Most sports are played at Coles Sports Center, the headquarters of NYU sports. It is also home to Prof. Mike Rotch's experimental elderly nudist colony. He will publish his research in 2012.
Soccer, golf, swimming, track and tennis are not played on campus. Soccer home games are played on Mars. Swimming and diving teams compete and practice in Bobst Library. Tennis is banished to Flushing, Queens. Track and cross country teams run meets in Harlem and the Bronx, chased by cops. Nobody gives a shit about golf.
NYU coaches actively recruit busty blondes who can handle balls, get it up fast, get down low, know all the positions and hit it hard.
Studying Abroad[edit | edit source]
NYU maintains study abroad locations in London, Paris, N'Djamena, Harris Field, Jamaica Queens, McMurdo Station and the Large Magellanic Cloud.
- Famous NYU alumni include (list is incomplete)
- Spike Lee
- Adam Sandler
- Alec Baldwin
- Rainn Wilson
- Chris Farley's Ghost (B.A. 2002)
- Lurr of the Planet Omicron Persei 8
- Krull
- Zak Morris
- Frank McCourt
- Alf Alfa
- Rudy, Theo, and Mitchell
- Lady Gaga
- James Franco
- Paul from the Wonder Years
Trivia[edit | edit source]
NYU was the inspiration for several fictional universities, such as the University of New York in "Felicity," Mars University on "Futurama," and the South Harmon Institute of Technology in "Accepted." NYU also inspired the events in "Debbie Does Dallas," which was originally entitled "Debbie Does It in Rubin Hall." It was changed to Dallas primarily due to the fact that there has never been an attractive woman in Rubin Hall.
The NYU campus is run on energy generated by the screams of damned souls.
NYU is buying your apartment building as you read this. Be out by the 15th.
Practical Applications in Modern Mathematics[edit | edit source]
In 1997, Alan Greenspan, as part of the Initiatives to Divide Everyone in America plan, otherwise known as the IDEA, found that the standard deviation of an American college student's income could be found when using a constant K in a formula pertaining to the second derivative of said student's general happiness level. Accordingly, students with higher happiness levels as they went through college found a greater resultant life's savings after a forty year period. Students on the opposite end of the scale suffered greatly in the financial realm and oftentimes turned to alcoholism. Since the deviation implied that a student at New York University had the lowest later income and the lowest general happiness level, this was seen as the lowest possible variable. Thus the constant K was revisited and named the NYU factor.
In modern mathematics, the NYU factor has also been used to factor the efficiency of the Obama bailout plan and the looseness of the women that Bill Clinton has slept with. Similarly, the factor was used in justifying how the Texas Rangers baseball management under George W. Bush matched the deviation of his later term of presidency. In a non-political realm, it was used to determine the location and size of Lady Gaga's penis.
Other Involvements of the NYU Factor[edit | edit source]
You can always tell an NYU student's future by asking them what school they go to. If they say Stern, then they will probably work on Wall Street, making money hand-over-fist until OWS finally takes over. If Gallatin, then they are probably content living the hippie life- too broke to afford deodorant or razors, but then again you don't really need them. College of Arts and Sciences students have a remote chance of being normal members of society. BORING. The Liberal Studies Program is a prerequisite to being boring. Students at the Tisch will either become ridiculously famous (see Lady Gaga) or Woody Allen (whatever school he attended to) or starve. Film students will be immediately offered an Academy Award until their second film which will flop resulting in the award being taken away.
Notable alumni[edit | edit source]
- Jeffrey Epstein (popular women's rights advocate)