David Cameron

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Cameron, with Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg

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David Tarquin Flashman "Call-Me-Dave" Cameron (pronounced Ham-er-on)(born 9 October 1966) is a full member of a group of roudy lads who like a bit of banter and the current leader of the Al Qaeda terrorist group. He is the embattled Prime Minister of Great Britain and Top Cheese in the Conservative Party. At a public ceremony costing millions Cameron was given away at his wedding by Gordon Brown and married to the delightful Nicola Clegg. Cameron is the natural son of Margaret Thatcher and the Duke of Edinburgh. Cameron will be the final Conservative Prime Minister and he knows it. He also fucked a pig; at least that's what I read on Wikipedia.

Education[edit | edit source]

Heatherdown Preparatory School[edit | edit source]

At the age of seven, Cameron attended the independent Heatherdown Preparatory School at Monkfield in Berkshire, which counted Prince Andrew and Prince Edward among its alumni. The school closed in the early 1980s in the wake of a drugs scandal in which it was alleged that Cameron and two close friends had used the school's pantry to store their Michaelmas Term's supply of grade A cocaine. They were also charged with theft as Ketamine for the school horses were found in Dave's teeth. He was subsequently expelled, having been found committing acts of gross indecency with the school's pet rabbit. Later Cameron remarked on his school days as 'fond memories that will stay in my heart forever. 'cept for john, he used my gear in the bike shed so kicked his teeth in, the peasant'

Eton College (who'd never heard of him before he became an MP)[edit | edit source]

Cameron received his secondary education at Eton where his soft skin and pudgy physique made him ideally suited as the captain of the soggy biscuit team. He also met Boris Johnson, but they didn't get on - Dodgy Dave and co. would often flush Boris's head down the toilet, bleaching his hair to the extent that to this day it remains so ridiculously blonde that Boris has been mistaken at least once for a Russian agent. Cameron hit trouble in May 1983, six weeks before taking his O-levels when he was revealed to have smoked a big fat bifta with some local chavs. Because he admitted the offence and had not previously been caught with chavs, he was not expelled, but he was fined, prevented from leaving school grounds, and given a punishment which involved copying 500 lines of Chav Slang. But remember also that David Cameron is just like you or me in short 'we are in this together' (except the Plebs of course) and it is perfectly normal to go to Eton and marry a woman who is a multi-millionaire and has royal blood. I'm not bitter!

Oxford University[edit | edit source]

Cameron went to ‘just a brandy for me, please’ College in Oxford University, an institute in which the majority of its professors are Oxen, and teach while performing balancing acts on old, unstable bridges.

Cameron went on to obtain an A in "Hunting and Keeping the Serfs in their place" from an Oxford College, allegedly it was Brasenose College, Oxford. But it has been very difficult to substantiate this given the sheer volume of posh boys who wouldn't know the price of milk. His tutor at Oxford, Professor Vernon St John-Bogdanor-Smythe, described him as "one of the ablest and nicest" students he had had the pleasure to bugger; whose political views were "moderate and sensibly conservative". When commenting on his former pupil's ideas about a bill of transportation for all those with an income of less than £500k per annum replacing the Human Rights Act, Professor Vermin-St John-Bogdanor-Smythe said "I think he is very confused. I've read his speech and it's filled with contradictions keeping all with this level of income would, by necessity involve the retention of any number of Jews, Poofs and Wogs, whilst rejecting right minded forlock-tugging peasants and even some pheasants. There are one or two good things in it but one glimpses them, as it were, through a mist of misunderstanding." Professor St John-Bogdanor-Smythe was later found on the floor of his wardrobe, trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey and with every orifice cramned full of apricot stuffing. Following the coroner's finding of death by natural causes, the professor was interred with full military honours in the bowels of HMS Invincible.

Relationship with Margaret Thatcher[edit | edit source]

In the late 80s, David Cameron was publically acknowledged as Margaret Thatcher's son by the Duke of Edinburgh. He was groomed to take over from his mother as Prime Minister but her other son Mark 'Twat' Thatcher refused to accept this succession. In the political confusion, John Major became Prime Minister in 1990. The exact nature of the relationship between Thatcher and Cameron is complicated as other Conservatives like William Hague, Iain Duncan-Smith and Michael Howard also claimed Thatcher as their natural mother too.

In his memoirs (stolen from his computer by Wikileaks), Cameron said his relationship with Thatcher was unconventional. Cameron described her as "a dominatrix, who had the tightest, tighest grip over me." Although the affair was not well known at the time, both have spoken candidly about the affair since - most notably in Thatcher's sexual autobiography: "Right-Wing: Alternative Entry to the Iron-Lady". Thatcher reveals that Cameron has a penchant for "velvet condoms, caviare lubricant and sex in top hats." Cameron, although initially accepting these claims has since changed his mind twelve times and claims: "I use latex, just like my good friend ... um ... Mozzy." - his view, however, seems to depend on whom he is speaking to. Margaret also claimed that for David to agree to have sex with her she would have to dress up as Eva Braun.

Investigations since have concluded that Cameron actually lost his virginity, with Mrs. Thatcher, as unlikely as this might sound. Apparent during the actual act, Thatcher had to constantly remind him that her arsehole was off limits. Cameron soon settled into a rhythm akin to that of a well young thruster who well thrusted for all his worth. During cotis, Thatcher later remarked that whilst Cameron's cock was so small that it difficult to decide if he was actually inside her vagina. However after approx. 30secs of thrusting he came. At this point Thatcher asked Cameron if he had enjoyed himself, to which he replied very much. Her response was to note that she didn't want him to get hang up, but he had just ravished her suspender belt..

The relationship ended after David Cameron was outed as an "individualist, who believes in small government, but also that we have a collective responsibility to help everyone - and the only way to do this is through government intervention. The rich should get richer, while the poor do better - but not so well, that they start to have a feeling of self worth." She also objected on the grounds that she is (a) his mother; (b) technically dead and (c) she didn't like his habit of stealing the limelight with his jokes during dinner parties.

Following the somewhat violent collapse of this relationship, David sought comfort from his dear friend and Eton bedfellow Boris Johnson, this relationship had to be hidden from other friends but was successfully passed off as a mere accident of their both belonging to the infamous Bullingdon Club. This "club" was outwardly merely a gaggle of "upwardly mobile" young toffs getting sozzled and fondling some waitresses and/or schoolboys, however the darker side of the club involved midnight break-ins at local zoos and wildlife parks and the subsequent molestation of flightless birds. It was at this point that Cameron's proclavities and taste for the love of a good penguin became apparent.

Carlton[edit | edit source]

This is a cookie, fascinating.

In July 1993, Cameron left his role as Special Teabagger to work as the Director of Corporate Affairs at Carlton Communications. Carlton, which had won the ITV franchise for London weekdays in 1991, were a growing media company which also had film distribution and large video producing arms specialising in the more exotic and obscure sexual fantasies of the upper orders. In 1997 Cameron played up the company's prospects for digital terrestrial television, for which it joined with Granada television and BSkyB to form British Digital Broadcasting. This enabled the new conglomerate to broadcast specialist penguin-orientated pornography, and films featuring the pheasant plucker's son. The company chairman described him as "board material". Others who had to work with him were less complimentary though. Senior Daily Telegraph journalist Jeff Randall said he would not trust Mr Cameron "as far as the little sod could squeeze out a slash of penguin jism" and that he "never gave a straight answer when dissemblance was a plausible alternative", while Sun business editor Ian King described him as a "slippery small-cocked penguin fucker".

Carlton's consortium did win the digital terrestrial franchise, but the resulting company suffered difficulties in attracting subscribers, possibly due to the low audience numbers for their specialist programming. In 1999 the Express on Sunday newspaper claimed Cameron had rubbished one of its stories which had given the accurate number of subscribers as four. Cameron resigned as Director of Corporate Affairs in February 2001 in order to fight for election to Parliament, although he remained on the payroll as a penguin enbalmer.

In 2007 he became majority shareholder, Chairman and CEO of CrapAda EyeTeevee PLC (which took over Carlton) which runs most of the ITV.

Member of Parliament[edit | edit source]

Upon his election to Parliament, he served as a member of the Commons Home Affairs Select Committee, a plum choice for a new MP. It was Cameron's proposal that the Committee launch an inquiry into the law on drugs, and during the inquiry he urged the consideration of "radical options".[80] The report recommended a downgrading of Ecstasy from Class A to Class B, as well as moves towards a policy of 'harm reduction', which Cameron defended. Critics have suggested that this was possibly a front to hide that large scale importation of woodlice ears and sperm whale nostrils both of which are highly prized on the illegal drugs market. Dave would also like it to be known that his attempt to downgrade Bolivian dancing Dust from a class A to a class Z drug, has nothing to do with Ozzie's continual pestering of him to do so. I mean Ozzie can afford it, obvio not as much as Dave could afford it, but Ozzie's not Dave

Cameron determinedly attempted to increase his public prophets, offering quotes on matters of public controversy. He opposed the payment of compensation to Marylin Manson for loss of earnings after his career as a Baptist Minister was cut short by a drastic and accidental plastic surgery. However, he was passed over for a front bench promotion in July 2002; Conservative leaders Iain and Duncan Smith did invite Cameron and his lover George Osborne to coach him on Prime Minister's Questions in November 2002. The next week, Cameron deliberately abstained in a vote on allowing same sex couples,unmarried couples and bi-curious griffins to adopt children, against a whip to oppose; his abstention was noted. As was the licking he received from the whip.

In June 2003, Cameron was appointed as a shadowy minister in the Privy Council and later became shadow Evisceration secretary in the post-election reshuffle.

David Cameron's attempts to lure voters.

Reason He Won[edit | edit source]

See below. That's all there is to it, nobody wants to know they were responsible for the death of a kitten. In a cruel twist of fate Cameron spared the life of the kitten, but decided to murder badgers instead. However as of Nov 2012, he realised he couldn't even achieve that, so decided instead to take even more money off the poor in spite.

Drugs[edit | edit source]

Even the experts at Wikipedia got this one correct.

Dodgy Dave still refuses to answer "yes" or "no" to allegations that he was a crackhead at university. His friend and Conservative Party Sexual Spokescreature, Gordon Broon has on several occasions stated on Cameron's behalf that it was "all a long time ago, and nobody can remember a thing, except that David was a great guy with the smallest willy we have ever seen. Which because it was so small, he never knew wether it was in or out. A thoroughly nasty rumour is that his well fit wife Sam, was attracted to Camo, as she had been molested by a family friend, and thought that, he would never be able to do the deed. However she was almost wrong on that part, as whilst Camo, never has, the 15 Butlers that they need to keep body and soul together can and, frequently do.

Cameron arose in February 2008 when a farmer in Cornwall noticed David Cameron with his foot trapped in a sheep's anus. The farmer reported that he had a nosebleed and was wearing nothing but a leotard and kneepads. All concerns were dismissed however when the sheep turned out to actually be Margaret Thatcher.

Despite his plans for change and modernisation, Cameron suffers from the politician's disease and therefore must be treated as a lying, two-faced scab. Effects of this illness are always heightened by being a sneaky upper-class cunt who pretends to be a man of the people - this degree of the disease is almost exclusively found in the Conservative Party.

In early 2009 David James proposed the classification of cannabis ( his daily fix par The Telegraph ) to be lowered from a D to a C. Thus when he is caught with his doobie he is able to scarper with merely a warning and a small fine opposed to Imprisonment whereby he would be unable to pleasure his dear Thatcher.

Personal Life[edit | edit source]

“He did what with a pig?!”
– Britain

David Cameron trying to be 'down' with the black folk.

Cameron married Êlfrith "Queen of the gypsies" McGee, the daughter of Sir Reginald "Penguin" Sheffield, 8th Baronet and Annabel Porpoise, on 1 June 1996 at Spearmint Rhino. Among the guests at the wedding were Che Guevera, a friend of the Sheffield family, the embalmed corpse of Lenin and Pat Lampard - all three of them all now deceased, especially Pat - who died due to a delayed reaction to eating part of Douglas Hogg's BSE covered burger. Due to the success of the panda porn ring run by the Sheffield family for the past 600 years, the marriage brought great additional wealth to DC. This has to be regarded as a good thing, as his fondness for buggering penguins, and the subsequent need to "pay off" numerous enraged zoo keepers, had depleted even his extraordinarily large private funds.

David Jason, much to his wife's disgust, as facebook would say, is 'in a relationship with Nick Clegg due to the terms of the co-olition government. Due to this David Cameron has banned Nick from wearing trousers in public.

He is prone to lying; however this can be spotted by checking to see if he is a) speaking b) breathing and c) awake.

An example of this occurred in October 2012, when word got out that Call me Dave [Aka Stack em up sell them cheap], had not disclosed everything regards his relationship with News international to the Leverson enquiry [the salacious ones]. In particular those 150 fruity emails between Mrs Brooks and himself.

Dave would like it to be known, obvio, he hasn't disclosed THOSE emails, as what the fuck has his shagging RB [Smarmy Tory types always use Initials rather than Names, as then nobody will know that RB means Rebbecka Brooks] got to do with News International and Leverson? Doh! On this subject, obvio he isn't shagging RB and one should disregard what was just written. There is a world of difference, as that Yank Clinton used to say, between a sexual relationship and what RB and himself is doing. I mean just what has wearing nappies and having ones bottom thrashed got to do with Sex, or having Ozzie's three penny bits shoved up ones arse or even crawling around on all fours with a dog leash attached? I know, I know, that there is a tendency to cum all over RB's lap etc, but unless the cum is inside RB then it just isn't a sexual relationship in;nt. And on the odd occasion it does end up inside her, well you do know the stuff can crawl don't you [rather like VD off a toilet seat]or else just how do you think members of the Tory party be conceived and selected for office, if there wasn't a bit of crawling involved? Besides which if SC [see done it again Sam Cameron, SC, easy isn't it] where to find out, and she won't, as she can't read or write like lots of other wives of the rich and powerful, like what he is. She would slaughter him, and take all his, UK tax not paid, quintillions away from him, then Dave would become a Pleb. And that isn't likely to happen any-time soon as Dave had an equal number of quintillions tucked away in his Bahamas Bank accounts, just like his daddy told him to do.

In December 2019, Cameron released his memoirs, entitled ‘The Gap Between Rich and Boar.’ It reached number 12 on the Sun’s bestseller list.

David Cameron threatens to murder a puppy if the audience do not vote for him

When will he go away?[edit | edit source]

Unfortunately, he has arranged with his cohorts that this will not be until 2015. First by initiating a fixed term parliament and then by dictating that motions of no confidence in the commons must be passed by a ~~55%~~ 60% majority.

He has already been targeted by the 'Please Go Away, David' campaign, a group comprised of those with a memory exceeding four nanoseconds, sane human beings, and, well... everyone with a soul. They are planning to replace him with None Of The Above with a higher IQ.

Well the Yanks voted for a guy whose middle name was "Hussein" so why not?

Cameron's destiny[edit | edit source]

Cameron will most likely end up in a care home for retired politicians. He will eventually pass on his spoon business to another graduate from the Eton School of Middle-Class excess. Should he ever become Prime Minister, a distinct possibility considering that he is from a Scottish family, he will be knifed in the back and his blood used to resurrect Margaret MOran. The ritual shall begin at 04.15pm outside of Portcullis House. Deacons Michael Howard and Oswald Moseley shall be conducting the services, and there shall be refreshments available afterwards. If you would like to make a booking in advance then please send a letter to the Conservative Party Headquarters at Little Avon-Hampington (it's just outside of Reigate). Please attach a cheque for 15,000 guinea pigs and make it payable to Dr. Spurzheim Esq., Second Marquis of Lady Barkstone and the Surrounding Areas. Please note that we do not accept applications from blacks, atheists, gays, Jews, Muslims, Marxists, scientists, sociologists, vegetarians, hippies, vegans, or your mother. Actually, no, wait. We don't mind if you're a Jew, but just be quiet and respectful about it. It's okay if you're a Muslim, especially if you are Baroness Warsi (bit of brown totty, always plays down well with closet Guardian readers) but be a non-practising one. Be gay, but please get a Civil Partnership and none of that Hampstead Heath nonsense, I mean you Ted Heath. And for Christ's sake, at least speak nicely, the way people from Kent do, we want northerners to vote for you, but we don't want southerners to think people from the north are actually allowed in Parliament. Oh, and if you're black, the whole country is counting on your vote.

New Cameron Policies[edit | edit source]

Shhhhhh! This is a humour free zone.

^[1]

Basic Principles[edit | edit source]

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY[edit | edit source]

THOUGHTCRIME IS DEATH[edit | edit source]

Within days of winning the leadership, David Steel launched his New Church of Thatcher - may she be so glorious Pledge Card. This was an A2 card containing a list of 500 policy pledges which must be carried by all citizens.
Pledges include:

Forming a Government & Constitutional Reform[edit | edit source]

Current Ministries to be combined and superceeded by Ministry of Truth, Ministry of Plenty, Ministry of Peace and Ministry of Luv.
Only Independents to sit in the House of Lords, all subject to vetting by Conservative Central Office & credit check.
No electoral or constitutional reform to be carried out that will endanger the tories remaining in power.
Only men of the right sort shall be able to vote, as in 'the good olde days' that Cameron fetishises.

The lead policy of any government led by call me Dave, shall be the provision of free gas for the elderly and scroungers on benefits. As it happens, Dave has cut a deal with the Germans to source as much zyclonB as we need. Dispersal of the gas will be by hoses attached to job centres and old people homes. Crematoria will then be constructed so as to provide much needed sustainable heat for the wealthier citizens. Thus it's a win-win situation all round