Kemi Badenoch
 | This article may be Overly British |
Kemi Badenoch | |
|---|---|
.jpg) Crossed arms. Cross with wokeism. | |
| Leader of the Opposition | |
| Assumed office 2 November 2024 | |
| Monarch | Charles III |
| Prime Minister | Farmer Harmer Starmer |
| Preceded by | Dishy Rishi |
| Leader of the Conservative Party | |
| Assumed office 2 November 2024 | |
| Preceded by | Dishy Rishi |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
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| Spouse | One of the few things she hasn't debated publicly |
Kemikaze Olufunto "Kemi" Badenoch (born 2 January 1980 AD, just before the ghost of the Iron Lady began to haunt the economy) is a British politician, professional contrarian, and part-time ideological arsonist who has served as Leader of the Opposition and Leader of the Tory Party since November 2024 – the second person to hold this double act usually reserved for circus performers and spreadsheet warriors while defying the unspoken "must be visibly beige" requirement of British politics – following the short reign of Rishi Sunak, who resigned out of embarrassment in the wake of the Great Tory Implosion of 5 July, a day now commemorated in Westminster as "Ashes Wednesday".
Otherwise known as "Bad Enoch" by fellow Conservatives whispering behind closed doors, Badenoch has made a name for herself by mixing culture war fuel with vintage Thatcherite fumes. A darling of the party's right wing, an avid supporter of Brexit and a headache to anyone with nuance, she built her brand on railing against "woke nonsense", all the while being the offspring of parents who ride the same migrant ladder she now insists should have fewer rungs, a master of turning any debate into a battleground, preferring to shout first and explain later – if at all.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Badenoch was born in Wimbledon, a posh enclave of leafy smugness, and promptly shipped to Nigeria by her migrant parents who were holidaying in English soil, and just before the British Nationality Act of 1981 ended jus soli. Not to evade being caught a dodgy immigration checklist, mind you, but rather to ensure she never grew up soft. Badenoch has consistently denied claims from Nigel Farage that she was an "anchor baby" for this here reason. After spontaneously fluctuating between the States and her mother's homeland like a relapsing drunkard stumbling between bar stools, she returned to Ingerlund in her teens so as to earn a living via working at the local McDonald's, having prevailed throughout both congested traffic in the local government area of Surulere and family debates without casualties – early signs of political potential.
Raised on a steady diet of hard truths, harder Thatcher biographies and a total of zero sandwiches (which she insists are not food, much to the outrage of every student surviving on a £3.40 Tesco Meal Deal) upon her homecoming, a young Kemikaze took A-levels in Biology, Chemistry and Maths, scoring two Bs and a C, apparently the British education system's way of saying "bless your heart, better luck next time". Claiming she was a "straight A student" in Nigeria, she did what any other sane unfairly graded pupil would do and blamed the UK schools for letting her down, which naturally propelled her into Tory territory, where fixing things by talking very loudly is half the job description. Some build character at school; Kemi, on the other hand, outsourced it across three continents.
Rise in the rational rebel[edit | edit source]
After a soul-crushing career in IT and bank-robbing, where her main job was perfecting the art of empathy shutdown and stoicism, Badenoch entered politics in 2005 through the Conservative pipeline: local council, shortlists, safe seat, and sudden notoriety a decade later. While others in her party tiptoed around modernity like it was a minefield, Kemi grabbed the backlash by the horns and rode it like a rodeo champ, neutralising the woke mind virus with a ceremonial mace as opposed to politely disagreeing with the usual dross. Such ministerial gigs of Kemi's began in 2019, when she was appointed Parliamentary Under-Secretary for Women and Equalities.[1] In 2021, she was promoted to Minister for International Trade, a post she used predominantly to swap domestic outrage for prime newspaper real estate.
Hacking the left[edit | edit source]
Long before she was busy trading barbs in the Commons, Badenoch, in 2018, revealed herself to have dabbled in amateur cybercrime for fun a decade earlier, putting her training in IT at college to good use. This involved carrying out a Nigerian scam in order to hack into the website of then-Deputy Labour Leader Harriet Harman. Only this time, the scam message did indeed originate from a Nigerian prince(ss). The politician proceeded to vandalise the website upon gaining admin access, having guessed the login as though it were a tie-breaker round at a pub quiz, replacing the entire foundation with towering walls of Goatse. Badenoch later cited the incident as "nothing more than a silly prank", which is exactly how most cybercriminals like to frame it, right before testifying in front of MI6 like she eventually did.
She got away with the whole thing scot-free, of course. No charges were filed, and no passwords were strengthened.
Apprentice of mayhem[edit | edit source]
Badenoch's political ascent coincided with the Conservative's Party's transformation into a revolving door of prime ministers and public apologies. Under Boris "BoJo the Clown" Johnson, she made herself useful as Minister for Equalities (a role she used mainly to declare equality overrated), while occasionally reminding colleagues that proper discrimination is being asked to attend diversity training. Despite the chaos of BoJo's premiership – part pandemic, part pantomime, Kemi kept her hands visibly unsoiled, strategically avoiding cake-fueled Partygate gatherings while nodding sternly at tabloid outrage. Her talent for dodging scandal was so honed that some suspected she had been trained in the ancient Tory art of plausible deniability, passed down from Michael Howard via a cursed red briefcase and a haunted copy of the Daily Mail.
When Liz Truss – who held the office of Prime Minister from 2022 to 2022 – took the wheel and promptly drove the country into an economic pothole the size of Surrey, Kemikaze loyally served as Secretary for State for International Trade, a tenure during which she insisted the pound sterling was merely "having a nap", presumably somewhere offshore. And then along came Rishi Sunak, who mistook Badenoch's talent for provocation as political genius. Despite her open disdain for moderation and her habit of setting rhetorical fires wherever nuance dared to stand, he kept her close – not out of trust, but rather out of fear; for she was not just in the Cabinet; rather, she was the cupboard door swinging wide open on his watch.
Crowned in a smoking room[edit | edit source]
Following Rishi Sunak's tearful resignation speech delivered in front of an Asda while being pelted with Tesco Clubcards, Kemi Badenoch emerged as the last woman standing by the time November of 2024 rolled around. Quite literally, as most of her rivals had either self-destructed on GBeebies, accidentally praised the EU or been caught trying to expense a third home made entirely of taxpayer-funded beef. But not Kemi. No, Kemi had played the long game – part philosopher, part school disciplinarian, and part Deliveroo customer who refuses to accept that sandwiches count as food. Her victory speech was delivered with arms crossed, mouth unsmiling, and eyes fixed on an ITV intern who had dared to pronounce her name correctly.
As the new Conservative leader and Leader of the Opposition, she promised to bring back "common sense", a British export now only available in "proper" orthography (where else do folk vehemently argue over the "s" versus "z" in "advertise"?)[2] "We will restore sanity to this nation", she affirmed during her victory speech, while standing in front of a Union Jack so large it asphyxiated five sound technicians.
Leader of the Opposition[edit | edit source]
Upon assuming the mantle of Leader of the Opposition, a title she described as "basically Prime Minister, but without the boring bit where people expect results", Badenoch set out to rebuild the Conservative Party into a lean, culture-warrior machine. Out went the "wet Tories" with their soggy centrism and feelings, in came the "Dry as the Sahara, armed with Substack" brigade who were more interested in owning the libs than owning policy. She was instantly hailed as the first ever Black leader of a major UK party, the fourth woman to lead the Tories, and the fifth person to openly admit they had absolutely no policies. She kicked things off by appointing Rebecca Harris as Chief Whip a day later, then immediately announced she would not be reshuffling her Shadow Cabinet before the next election. Presumably a result of her having not met most of them.
We at Uncyclopedia shall now examine the endeavours and undertakings of her tenure during her first one hundred days as Leader of the Opposition:
