Labour Party (UK)

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“Like the Conservative Party, just more right wing”

~ The Labour Party's 2007 manifesto.

“I will not not acquaint myself with His Republican Highness the Lord Protector. It is just the same as talking to his new clothings.”

~ Steve Buscemi on Jeremy Corbyn

“All hail me. The Libdems were not spineless enough for me.”

~ Nicola Sturgeon to the Ni-Ni-Ni-Ni New Labour

You may be looking for New Labour and not even know it!

Labour Party Conference, 2006. They were saving on the electricity that year.

The British Commie Squad, or Zanu-LieBore!!1 as they are formally known, was formed in the dark days of the late 19th-century in order to give voice to those many millions of people who were too weak to ask of their top-hatted masters whether another helping of thin soup might be possible. Originally formed as a socialist party it has changed in recent years to a mish-mash of socialism and robbing popular Tory policies. It now works hard to give as much money to bankers as possible and sign away as much British democracy as possible to the EU. The new party leader is Ed Miliband who is officially aged about 40 but looks 15, an obvious ploy to appeal to the 'Yoof' Vote. The Labour Party is regarded as the third worst political party in Britain behind the Liberal Democrats and the Conservative Party - which isn't saying much.

History

Clement Attlee teamed-up with a rightwing Conservative to fight a fascist dictator. The modern-day understanding of this makes him a neocon and I for one will be voting for the Liberal Democrats instead.

Formation

The Labour Party or British Manual Labour Party of Workers, Peasants and Guardian Readers (to give it its full title) was formed in 1880 by Kier Hardon, a jolly man with a hearty laugh and generous smile. Thanks to Hardon and his winning ways, many weak and poor people were encouraged to limp to the polls, dodge the policeman's baton and vote for his new party and elect Britain's first socialist government in 1922. Because this was a socialist government, the royal family were immediately shot, all private property was confiscated by the state (or The State, if you prefer), Britain became a satellite-state of the USSR and your kids' teacher was replaced by a lesbian in a beret with a red star on it to teach them Das Kapital. This is true, honest guv'nor.

Rise to prominence

After this, the Labour Party soon supplanted the Liberal Party as the main opposition to The Conservative Party in Parliament. By the time Adolf Hitler turned out not to be a decent sort of chap with a sensible attitude to communism but a mad racist imperialist hell-bent on destroying Europe (albeit taking-down communism on the way) the Labour Party were considered trustworthy enough by the establishment to form a coalition with Winston Churchill. After the war, Labour won another term by a landslide under Clement Attlee and, as predicted, Britain became a Marxist police-state. Not really, they just created the NHS and built lots of prefab houses.

The postwar years - "to me, to you"

In the postwar years, government regularly switched between the Conservatives and Labour until the 1970s when the Labour-affiliated trade union movement decided that the best way to get the common man on your side was to let the streets fill with rubbish, only work two days a week, strike because your mate's legs were cold and live entirely on beer and sandwiches. In fact, whilst doing all of this, they loudly yelled demands through rather tinny-sounding megaphones for a 2000% annual pay increase, no worker to ever be laid off for "honest, trivial mistakes" (such as "so-called" theft, "so-called" sabotage or "so-called" murder of middle ranking executives) or indeed ever, recession or no recession while militantly waving placards. Shoddy-looking mis-spelled placards at that. Well, if they can't even be bothered to spell-check their placards then they deserve whatever they had coming to them. The bastards. The British electorate promptly chose Margaret Thatcher to be their leader in 1979. The bastards.

The Wilderness Years

In the 1980s, Labour decided to counter Conservative accusations that they were a party living in the past by choosing thrusting dynamic young buck Michael Foot as their leader and remaining tied to unions led by forward-thinking types like Arthur "Stalin" Scargill. After this approach failed to make Labour popular with anyone except the NME, the party had another rethink and dynamic forward-thinking Welsh slaphead Neil Kinnock became Labour leader. Kinnock picked the Labour Party up roughly by its collective cloth-cap and shifted it a little to the right, ditching inexplicably unpopular policies such as the nationalisation of banks and that well-known Soviet success-story, the planned economy. Unfortunately, despite a revival in Labour's fortunes and Thatcher's descent into madness and eventual destruction by John Major, Labour still found themselves unable to win an election because The Sun put a picture of Kinnock on the front cover looking like a lightbulb. People living in the burnt-out, needle-strewn ruins of their council estate which had built-up under Thatcher's sterling efforts to "make the country better" had been convinced of Labour's policies before realising, once they'd wiped away the tears of mirth, that Kinnock looked like a big lightbulb and promptly voted Conservative.

Falco in the video for his Europe-wide 1983 hit "Rock Me Michael Foot"

Smith to Blair

Kinnock resigned to become a Lord and work for the EU and was replaced by disco-dancing Scotsman John Smith. Unfortunately, after only a couple of years of being Labour leader, Smith was murdered by the Trotskyist tyrant Alan Milburn, under the orders of the noble Communist warrior Tony Benn and was replaced by Tony Blair who promptly did the same trick as Kinnock had regarding the party and their collective hat and caused controversy by wanting to ditch "Clause Four", Labours age-old commitment to public ownership of business which they'd clearly always carried out whenever they got into government. Its replacement is some wet liberal rubbish about Labour being a "democratic socialist" party who want a "dynamic relationship between private and public" rather than all that stirring stuff about the lantern-jawed proletariat bravely fighting the upper-classes police foot-soldiers from ramshackle barricades. Middle-class Guardian readers were particularly upset about the ditching of Clause Four because it's not like any of them had thousands of pounds tied-up in shares or anything like that.

Blair and his acolytes (including his own sinister Joseph Goebbels-figure, Peter Mandelson) decided to re-brand the Labour Party as "New Labour" which, ironically, was a label still sticking after thirteen years. Ed "Ed" Miliband's ascension to Labour leader in 2010 marks the end of old "new" Labour and the confusing establishment of new "older" Labour. Ed says "we're still not sure what to call the party". How about "The Labour Party"?

The Blair years

In 1997 the British working-class demonstrated their hatred of "sellout" Blair's ditching of Clause Four by handing him a landslide victory. The Conservatives replaced John Major with the sun out of The Tellytubbies and Major retired to seek-out a smaller pair of spectacles, consume some warm beer and become a philanthropic donator of useless governance. Blair promptly became a sort of Lord Protector figure and was determined never to relinquish power, until June 2007 when he did. The loser.

The Brown Sludge

Tony Blair spent millions of pounds on marketing the Labour Party as an electable alternative to the Conservative "I can't believe they're still alive" Party

More commonly known as "The Brown Streak". Nobody knows yet; certainly, that name doesn't bode well. Harriet Harperson succeeded John Prescott as Deputy Leader, people wondered during the First Round where Hazel Blears had got to, it turned out that Harriet had been sitting on her all along, after all Hazel's only little, unlike her expenses claims.

Gordon Brown's accession to power was easy; he had God on his side, as do all Scotsmen. Some of Gordon Brown's first tests of competency have been the Northern Rock crisis, when the seaside resorts of Blackpool and Morecambe both ran perilously short of hard sweets, the 'Summer Flooding' of Gloucestershire (a disastrous remake of 'Grease' on water) and his handling of the fall-out from the 'Credit Crunch', a delicious chocolate-coated but particularly crumbly American delicacy.

For awhile Gordon's poll ratings perked up like a man popping viagra but then all the old doubts whether the Labour Prime Minister was right for the job. Stories of him throwing office equipment at people and biting his fingers off led to many plots against his life. But Brown had the ring leaders taken out into the garden of Number 10 and had them shot. He will be long remembered for his lasting legacy of leaving Britain "best place to weather the great recession of 2009" (when he "saved the world" too); although the trillion pound debt the nations grandchildren have pledged their lives into servitude to repay is a minor point of contention.

2010 Election and Ed "At Least I Tried" Miliband

The Right(wing) Dishonourable "Red Ed" Miliband
"Red Ed" Miliband, seen here scheming for communist world domination.
Former "Leader of the Opposition," failing to actually oppose anything
Personal details
Born	David Edward Schlomo Miliband II, London, Afghanistan
Political party	Communist Party of the United Kingdom (1945–2010), Red Tories (2010–2015), Jobcentre (2015–present)
Children	None (infertile)
Profession	Tosspot (1945–2015), homelessness and begging (2015–present)

“Hell yes I'm incompetent!”

~ Ed Miliband on his incompetence.

“Lefty tosser!”

~ Boris Johnson on Ed Miliband

“One nation one nation; one nation, one nation (one nation one nation) one nation one nation; one (nation one) nation.”

~ Ed Miliband on channelling his deep love for Hitler's slogan (Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Miliband)

Following the 2010 General Election, which nobody won although Labour even less so than the Tories, but ahead of all others, although Nick Clegg was able to ride on into power on David Camerons coattails, Broon fae Troon decided to step Doon. Harriet was given the official Labour trousers to wear which she kept on until September 2010 when the Labour party elected Ed Miliband, an animatronic plasticine model of his brother David.

Ed's election surprised many commentators as his older brother was expected to win. However Ed tactically outwitted his brother by promising concession to the trade unions. The deal struck with national trade unions was: When elected (lol) to number 10, Ed would reintroduce the "Beer and Sandwiches" meetings at No. 10 with trade union leaders. The original "Beer and Sandwiches meetings" date back to the Wilson government of the mid 1970s. However with the election of Thatcher government in 1979, these meeting fell out of fashion, as Mrs Thatcher preferred to delegate negotiation directly to a police baton and "striking" the heads of miners, particularly in the years 1984–85. Mrs Thatcher was known to dislike beer and smelly working classes and much preferred pure battery acid.

Also part of a secret plan was hatched to wrong foot the Conservative Party. As Ed looked too young to have done anything dangerous before 2010, he has now become the Labour Party's new leader. Also it has been noticed that: Ed has a special talent, that no other politician seems to have. It is well know throughout contemporary society, that it's easy to tell when a politician is telling lies! 'his or her lips move' however Ed has overcome this standing disability associated with politicians: Ed speaks through his nose.

Ed's main political supporters were:

• Ed Balls, aka Balls-up Eddie/Ed Bellend: Ed Balls is also the illegitimate child of George 'Muhammad' Galloway and an 8 year old Islamic Camel.
• David Miliband: Former Blairite.

[editor]Sorry I can't remember any more of them.

Miliband's full name was Edward Schlomo "Red Ed" Miliband II (Russian: Ле́нин; born 24 December 1933), and was a leading member of the Communist Party of the United Kingdom from 1945-2010. He then converted to the Labour Party in 2010 and became the "Leader of the Opposition," and resigned in 2015 following a humiliating electoral performance to the twats Tories in England, and those bagpipe-blowing, haggis-eating weirdos in Scotland. Ed Miliband was born in a yacht on the River Thames, London and his dad once killed someone's kitten - "the Red Bastard!"

Miliband has been praised by his supporters as the second coming of Christ and denounced by everyone else as an incompetent brainwashed son of a Soviet liar and radical six-foot communist sinus and/or an incompetent petty bourgeois politician and traitor of the workers. Following his defection to Labour in 2010, the party has been remarkable in its ability to be completely indistinguishable from the opposition parties, with the exception of all their policies beginning with "unlike the Conservative party..." This has resulted in the British electorate going clinically insane and voting for Jewkip instead, causing the European Union to think that Britain is full of tosspots. Thankfully, nobody cares about those bastards anyway.

2015 Election

Ed Miliband with his 6 Labour Party pledges.

Jeremy Corbyn in his formal attire

Keir Starmer is a man.

“And Miliband spoke all these words to the bemused crowd: "I am Yahweh your G-d, who brought you out of Egypt, into out of the land of slavery. Thou shalt have a strong economic foundation. Thou shalt make for thyself a higher standard of living for working families. Thou shalt have an NHS with the time to care, for Yahweh will shall not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his health service. Thou shalt place controls on immigration, and allow for thyself a nation where the next generation may do better than the last. Thou shalt also create homes to buy and take action on rents." And when the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear, for it was sure that David Cameron were to be the next Prime Minister.”

~ Ed Mosesband on receiving the 10 commandments delivering the Labour Party's 6 pledges to the British people.

Following the failure of New Labour, Miliband decided that the party should remove the term New from New Labour, as it made them think of somewhat bad things that Tony Blair has done (such as the Iraq War, officially called "Operation Get Me Those Oil Fields"), and so he changed New Labour to fuck the Tories fuck the SNP One Nation Labour, also known as the much less fascist sounding Labour Classic™.

Opinion polling prior to the 2015 General Election showed that the parliament was set to be "well hung," with Miliband and David Cameron's penises being almost neck-and-neck, with Cameron's being slightly bigger at 9 inches, Miliband's at 8.5, Nicola Sturgeon's at 8, Nigel Farage's at 7 and Nick Clegg's at 2. However, the actual results showed that Miliband's penis had become dramatically smaller following the victory of the Scottish National Party in Scotland, and thus Cameron won by a slim majority. Britain was fucked for 5 more years.

Following his resignation, Ed Miliband decided to prove that the Labour Party still cared about the working man by jetting off to Ibiza.

Jeremy Corbyn

Miliband decided to piss off and fade into oblivion, remembered only for his bacon sandwich antics, probably because they weren't certified kosher (although he's not the only one known for a bit of piggy business).

The communist duffer Jeremy "Jihadi Jez" Corbyn entered the Labour leadership election in the aftermath of the disastrous 2015 general election as a rank outsider, priced at 200-1 for victory by British bookmakers. Corbyn won the election in the first round with 98.9% of the vote. He then celebrated by climbing onto his Chairman-Mao style bicycle, wearing his Leninist cap and generally fermenting the overthrow of capitalism with the Shadow Chancellor.

He campaigned vigorously for miners to be treated with respect despite there being no mines, for ties to be increased with the long-defunct USSR, and for Lenin to be invited to parliament and given a state banquet - despite having been dead since 1924. He subsequently led his party to the biggest electoral defeat it has ever seen in its lifetime - winning just 1 seat, with 649 losses - because it's not the 1950s any more.

Following his resignation, Jeremy Corbyn decided to prove that the Labour Party still cared about the working man by jetting off to Ibiza.

Keir Starmer

Keir Starmer became the new leader of the opposition, after a great raspberry shortage led to a crisis within Labour's ranks (many of whom were exposed as having been addicted to the red fruit). One of Starmer's first acts was to use experimental technology to turn Jeremy Corbyn into a giant raspberry, to much public outcry. Nevertheless, he has held on to his position as leader of the opposition, winning a vote of no-confidence 428-222.

He regularly visits Ibiza, and occasionally makes aggressive statements decrying raspberries.

Why do so many people vote Labour?

• They think the Labour Party actually gives a rats ass about people who earn less than 100k a year.
• People love the great taste?
• Ed Miliband's winning smile, action man face and easy-going humour?
• They are illegal-immigrants and the Daily Mail told them that Labour were planning to give them a billion pounds a year and a free palace?
• It eases their guilt about being middle-class and having two cars?
• Many of their voters are working for Daily Mail, and want people to keep whining on the powers that be
• They have become mutated by all the alcohol, tobacco/cannabis smoke, Red Bull, take-aways, "reality TV" and general fecklessness they were exposed to over their childhood and teens the to the point where their intellect is on a par with that of a your average B-Movie zombie (see Jade Goody).

But The Number One Most Popular Reason:

“ To spite the Tories, those bastards ”

Notes on a Hardie/Hardy Dynasty

Many rumored that the disaster of Brown's leadership has much to do with a crisis in English national identity and the British one which the Labour party generally catered for. The Little Englander regarded him as sociopathic and a poor communicator - as well as prone to gaffs. A similar opposition claim was also adhered to, leaving middle class voters little choice but to oust Brown, "Who got us into this mess in the first place".

From the party's formation in 1900 until the First World War, the Labour party was constantly led by the left wing House of Hardie Their position on the party's left meant they suffered a brutal propaganda war with the right wing press. Many Labour left wingers wish to reinstall the Hardy dynasty , rallying around the truly terrifying new blood Tom , a young actor who has already played 'Death Wish' Charles Bronson in a biopic.

King Lear Hardie was the first Labour Prime Minister. However, this ended when he went insane, left the country to his two vicious daughters and got naked in a thunderstorm. Premiership handed over to Chancellor of the exchequer Thomas Hardy, who was voted out at the 1911 General Election later that year because the public saw too much of him moping on a Moor. The next year, a General Election was announced, with a surprise victory for party favourites the Hardy Boyz, after Jeff Swanton Bombed Liberal PM David Lloyd George through a table. When a general election was announced in 1914, they were expected to beat Tory leaders the Dudley Boyz, but with Lloyd George still sour about 1912, he interfered and hit Matt with a chair.

Opposition to WWI saw the expiry of the left-wing Hardy dynasty. Keir was boning some posh totty 1/3 his age, Queer was discovered to have squandered his allowances on Wizard of Oz merch, Thomas kept brooding and eventually took up a job writing jingoistic crap for the Propaganda bureau, and intense personal quarrels between Matt and Jeff made another Hardy premiership impossible.

The party has been on a downward curve towards completely abandoning the socialism of the Hardys ever since. Nye Bevan Hardy, a cousin to the the Boyz and, as head of the house in Wales, the nearest heir at that time tried to reclaim the party on a wave of popularity from his NHS, but died before he could.

By this time, the family's influence on the party had severely waned. The only MP since of the Hardy bloodline was Tony Benn, an illegitimate son of Thomas. He remains a rallying force for Hardy restorationists.

See also

• New Labour
• Socialism
• Donkey Jackets
• The Miliband Brothers
• Bernie Sanders
• Richard Littlejohn and the Daily Mail - Sworn enemies of the Labour Party