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Ed Sheeran

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A rare image of Gingerbread Ed in 2013. Seems like he's ready to ruin people's lives again.

Edward Christopher "Ed" [insert singular 3rd person subjective pronoun]eran (born 17 February 1991 - died NEVER) is a Canadian-British singer-songwriter, actor, owner of a bar in London,[1] and Rupert Grint lookalike. He is also known as "Teddy" on Instagram. Additionally, he is considered to be the "one true god" of his home country, and even the entire world. Asides from that, he's known to the public as the "Ginger Jesus". Ed is arguably a fad of the year 2017 and also a British nationalist. Even though his career was meant to fade away at the end of the 2010s, he manages to still make music to this day, much to everyone's annoyances. He is known to have a lot of chart hits, especially in the UK, including "The B Team", "Untitled (Take Me Into Your Loving Arms)", "Nothing Happens After Two" and most infamously, "I'm Back & I'm Desperate". However, they are most likely plagiarized, but he still gets away with it. His private life isn't very well known, thanks to having no surveillance cameras in his home and the fact that the address to it is changed every day. Despite having a male given name, Ed somehow manages to have female pronouns as part of his surname, so, logically, he would've instantly became a "she" right away. Oh fuck, how do we go by them again?

Whatever, we'll use male pronouns for this article, because logically, Ed's actually male and not even genderless. Even Wikipedia refers to him that way. Have you seen a girl named Ed before?[2]

Early life

On the day before he was born, his parents, John Heeran and Jane Sheeran were thinking of baby names. While Jane was pregnant with their second child, John hoped that they would be another girl, since they already had their first child, a daughter named Rebecca in the 1980s. Unfortunately, that would not be the case, and on the 48th day of the year, Jane gave birth to their first son in Halifax, Canada. John already had a list of girl names written in his notebook, but it was too late. Both parents would've considered unisex names but they ran out of ideas for them. So, in the end, they opted for the name "Edward",[3] which at the time is and still is one of the most popular names in Britain. A day later, their parents decided to legally divorce because of this[4], and as a result, Ed and Rebecca had to live with their grandparents instead in the other Halifax in Yorkshire. Unless you watch the music video for the song Photograph, you wouldn't know what he did in his childhood. Other than that, he mostly grew up in Framlingham.

Speaking of his childhood, despite being the most antisocial kid in school (for obvious reasons), he somehow managed to do very well in school. Unsurprisingly, he had been bullied not just because he was ginger, but because of the fact that a lot of people mistook him for female. His favourite subject in school is math, which would later become the basis of every one of his albums. During high school, he started to make friends, some of which wrote and produced songs for him later in his career. Eventually, it was revealed that he was voted most likely to be famous, which, sadly, turned out to be true. But we will get to that later, shall we?


2006–2010: The Pre-+ Era

A snapshot of Ed's first music video

During his high school days, Ed would pick up a guitar and start playing songs in the hallways. His first gigs were at his school gymnasium, but no one would show up.[5] Dissatisfied with this result, he decided to start attending school less and less and perform in the streets of his neighborhood, and only one or two people would show up. He would then release his self-titled album without a major label to keep up. While designing his album cover, he chose orange because it was his favourite color, and a cat's paw print because his favourite animal was cats. Also, during this era, he had released his first song, "Please Listen To This", with a music video. While that didn't blew him up, it somehow managed to predict Justin Bieber's career several years later due to the way that he sounded. Other songs from his self-titled album include, but are not limited to: "I'm Quiet Most Of The Time", "No Sleep", and "Get Some Help", the latter in which he featured his nephew Crowdmoon. Ed has also released other albums, but none of them got the same popularity as his debut.

2011–2013: +

After graduating from his high school, he decided to audition for The X Factor and hopefully get into a boy band, but he didn't make it to the finals, so he eventually got signed. He decided to release a song that was previously in one of his albums called "The B Team", because he thought that would garner much popularity. During the year 2011, Justin Bieber was popular amongst little girls, so the UK decided to create their answer to Bieber in the process. As mentioned, Ed's favourite subject was math, so the label that he was signed to decided to name albums after mathematical symbols, and they decided to make it orange because they looked at the cover of his first album while he was unsigned, and they didn't know Ed liked the color orange. The first one is + (pronounced add)[6]. They originally wanted to add Autotune to Ed's voice, but since he already sounds like Bieber, it was perfect enough. During his debut, he was marketed as "the next Justin Bieber". While this enraged many Beliebers in the process, it wasn't until the year 2012 when he blew up with his debut single, but due to the sheer number of Beliebers, it prevented it from getting into the top 10, thus debuting at number 20 in the US.

The ultimate cure for Bieber Fever. Wait, where's the milk?

Meanwhile, a new fanbase that consisted of British Justin Bieber haters had spawned. They called themselves the Cheerios, named after Ed's favourite cereal brand. They somehow managed to create the cure for "Bieber Fever" which consists of pouring a box of Cheerios[7] in a bowl and then pouring your favourite flavor of milk. They also claim that putting Magic Milk Straws in a glass of milk would have faster results.

2014–2016: x

After his debut album failed to chart in the top 10 in many countries except in the UK, his label thought that if his next album doesn't crack the top 10 in many countries other than that, they'd instantly drop him. That scared the shit out of Ed, so he decided to record new music. He then added a ton of swears in this album, simply because it'd do well, which it kinda did. It was his first top 10 album in many countries, but it went number one in the UK, so this was a first timer. The album in question is called x (pronounced Times)[8]. This album multiplied the amount of Cheerios, so now he got more Justin Bieber haters than usual. In this album, while we do have some more acoustic songs as usual, he also decided to rip-off Justin Timberlake and Bruno Mars' music styles.

This is what would happen if Ed did not win any Grammys in 2016.

Tracks 16 and 17 were songs included in the soundtrack of Lord of the Rings and The Fault In Our Stars, respectively, because the directors of both movies ran out of ideas for theme songs, so they hired him to do so. In 2016, he somehow managed to rig the Grammys when "Untitled (Take Me Into Your Loving Arms)" won Song of the Year, afterwards in which he had a feud with the other nominees on Twitter. He also got his first documentary called Sweaters for Goals. No one knows why it's named that way.

2017-2020: ÷ and No. 6 Collaborations Project

The album announcement in question

After a break from the music industry, Ed would be back with new music. He claimed that he would come back with an album that is similar to his debut, which turned to to be false. In 2017 we would be getting two songs: "On Top Of The Hill" and "I'm Back & I'm Desperate", the latter which was overplayed on many radio stations around the world. That song also got an UnTunes Verified episode five years later. This was the beginning of him becoming a fad in the year 2017. Not only did he made his third album unsearchable on many sites like Google, but one of the songs in this album is completely in morse code, making that also unsearchable. The album was called ÷ (pronounced Divide).[9] It is mostly a neofolk album with elements of dance music incorporated into it. It ended up literally dividing a lot of Cheerios, with half of them being stale before they could be eaten.

You should've never been there.

This release wouldn't be without disaster. On the 10th of March 2017, nine of the initial twelve songs charted on the official singles charts, claiming the lives of multiple up-and-coming British acts in the process. Not only that, but it spawned an outbreak that began in the UK, which is Ed's home country, which then evolved into an epidemic known as the "Edpidemic", in which people would listen to the entire 3rd album completely, even repeatedly before dying in the process, not to mention that the album itself did kill a lot of careers for new artists. Somehow, it managed to win many awards in 2018, but Ed was banned from attending any awards show after this because his album inadvertently killed a lot of people, even his fans. In the end, he was placed under house arrest, but the remaining Cheerios wanted him free, so, the authorities did, and he was able to go on tour, which ended up being the most attended one of all time because he was back and is desperate. The downfall starts here... and it still does to this day. Later that year, he got knighted as a Member of the British Empire because the government thought that he was the most nationalist singer in the entire country and that he had more hits than any artist in the 21st century. Not only that, but a law was signed so that Ed would be above the law and that he would not be arrested for any crimes that he does, and a religion was created based on him. He was also pardoned for his house arrest that was made earlier in the year.

In 2018, he somehow managed to have another documentary called The Greatest Songwriter of All Time, then Ed decides to lie to us at the end about the 4th album being "Subtract", when, in reality, this is what happened; in the year 2019, Ed announced that he was going to collaborate with Justin Bieber, which comes to a shock as Ed was meant to replace Bieber. Eventually, the most unlistenable song of all time, called "We're Friends Now", unsurprisingly managed to make a lot of ears bleed with its terrible chemistry between the two and trying to sound a lot like "I'm Back & I'm Desperate". Eventually, the song was included in a new project no one knew was happening: No.6 Collaborations Project, which was named because No.1–4 Collaborations Project never existed, and No.5 Collaborations Project wasn't even that popular in the first place.

Despite the fact that it was meant to be a complication album, many reviewers decided to take it as his 4th album, which ended up making Bieber's songs from 2011 sound like a masterpiece. Ed literally went full on DJ Khaled in this one, but somehow the world wasn't done with the Edpidemic yet, as that album managed to be number 1, like the lead single. Also apparently he got married in the beginning of 2019. Speaking of which, Ed starred in a movie called Yesterday which is about, you guessed it, The Beatles. There were 2 songs that he made and both of them would later have studio versions 3 years later. Those songs were "Penguins" and "YOLO", which have absolutely nothing to do with the movie's subject.

2021–2022: =

Isn't she cute?
Yes, this is the actual cover of Antarctica. It looks like something you'd make in Microsoft Paint.
This is what happens when you go full on edgy.

In August 2020, his wife gave birth to their first child, a daughter, whom they decided to name Antarctica because that was Ed's favourite place to visit. Also in 2020, he decided to go full on Jackson Pollock with his new single cover, only to look like something that would be better fit for an experimental artist/band instead. He released a song dedicated to his daughter, Antarctica, which also happened to be the song title. It sounded like something from +, except that he didn't sound like Justin Bieber anymore and is now androgynous in tone.[10] 2021 was a time when he turned 30. However, disaster struck again for the now 30-year old singer-songwriter when it turns out one of his friends died, thus he ended up being getting depression. At least he called a hotline to avoid killing himself. Unfortunately, during the livestream of the memorial concert for his friends, he started crying towards the end of one of his new songs, "Save You". Eventually, he'd actually come back, again, but instead of releasing "Save You", he decided to release a new song in which he supposedly reincarnates as a vampire, and to claim that he has a soul[11], he bleached his hair blond, but that never worked out. The song in which his vampire persona is in is called "Nothing Happens After Two". The Official Charts, still stuck in the year 2017, placed that song into the number one spot. Remember when he said that he'd release an album called "Subtract"? Too bad you got fooled again! It's actually called = (pronounced equals). The album cover for = was much more different; there were butterflies surrounding the equals sign. Apparently, he mentioned that it was his 4th album because No.6 was a compilation album.[12] Eventually, one of the songs from the livestream, "Save You" got a studio version, which was widely considered his best song in his career.[13] While this was considered his second single, this is actually a promotional single. We then get another song which is a ripoff of "High Hopes" by Panic! At the Disco, called "Do It Like That".[14] five days before the album was supposed to release, he and his daughter tested positive for COVID-19, meaning that he had to cancel every single public appearance that was scheduled. For the first time, fourteen snippets of the songs that are in the album were shown and heard by the public before release.


This sounds like a heavy amalgamation of his previous releases, don't you think? Also, that album got number one in the UK and other countries, yet again, because the charts love favoritism, except that in some cases it would drop to other places, something that wouldn't really happen for Ed anyways.[15] Not only that, but he did a Christmas song with none other than Elton John,[16] which is an English translation of the classic Spanish song "Feliz Navidad". A week later, the song would have a sausage roll-themed remix, except the entire lyrics are just "sausage roll" over and over again.[17]That remix was a collaboration with none other than LadBaby.[18] In March 2022, he was going to be sued for one of his songs, that obviously being "I'm Back & I'm Desperate".[19]The victim claimed that song was similar to another song of his. The case never happened, obviously. Later that April, he would go on tour for the last time and do more collaborations in the following year. The farewell tour's stage may be the best one he ever had, but the concept is too similar to U2's 360° Tour from the 2000s.[20] U2 were unable to sue Ed for plagiarism, sadly.

In May 2022, Ed announced that he has welcomed a second daughter, however, he had not disclosed her name because of privacy reasons, and is unlikely that he will ever. He managed to announce it the same time Rihanna had her first child, except it got less coverage because Rihanna's baby bump was covered a lot in the media, even it was part of a sculpture of her. When another celebrity whose baby announcement has been reported more in the media than you in your home country, you know you've fucked up real bad. Granted, the British media tried to do so, but it's just local sources. Also, he released the "Tour Version" of =, containing new songs, including studio versions of "Penguins" and "YOLO" from the movie Yesterday. We would also get two extra songs that were previously not in the original. Those songs were "I Will Always Love You"[21] and "Welcome To My World". Surprisingly, those were actually good songs, but sadly the former was never in the original to begin with.

He had been terrorizing Australia, New Zealand, Canada and the USA in 2023 through his tour. He also plans to ruin the continents of Asia and South America in 2024, and Europe once again in 2025.

Ed also announced his last album, - (pronounced Minus)[22] to be released next year in an interview with The Breakfast Club. Peace will be given to the United Kingdom and the world once and for all as he finally retires from the entertainment industry after his tour finishes a few years later to spend more time with his children and to avoid being considered a nuisance in public. Thank fucking god.

2023–present: - & Totally Not Stealing This Idea From Vivaldi and Weezer: Autumn

In November 2022, Ed announced that he would be taking a break until 2023 at the latest. In order to do so, he decided to remove a majority of his posts from his social media accounts. It killed his entire fanbase forever, although his label might be the ones behind it. This was most likely because it was for promotional purposes, which makes sense since that's meant to be his final album of his career. He started wearing jackets with yellow symbols on them, something that might be part of the album cover. Ed's "fans" (which are nonexistent at this point because they had enough with him) theorized that this would be a visual album, the first and only one of his career. It has also been revealed that the final night of the Mathematics Tour at Wembley would be part of a documentary titled The Start of The End of an Era: The Beginning of the Final Performances, exclusively on Disney+, along with other shows in the tour. That documentary would be released on before Thanksgiving[23] in 2022. It also holds the record for the longest title on the streaming service.

Asides from the flavor names, they'll most likely taste the same.

8 tracks have been revealed in a separate show back in October 2022. He later released a song dedicated to one of his friends who had died called "F64" which was mostly good, but only for the lyrics. Ed came back on Instagram at the end of January 2023, only to realize that everyone had unfollowed him. In February 2023, Ed infamously announced his line of hot sauces called "Tingly Ted's" which only comes in two flavors. However, both of them taste the same. His management also gave away yellow notebooks that had highlighted dates and lyrics of his songs on the same month. On the 17th, most people think Minus was going to be announced/released on this date but that never happened. It was an excuse to include his birthday in it. 10 days later, a teaser promising that Ed will NOT sell out ever again has appeared on his website and on Spotify. On the first of March, Minus was revealed this time and was touted as his final album ever because it seems that at this point he lost his entire fanbase.

In April 2023, Ed got sued by one of Marvin Gaye's friends. Just like every single lawsuit he has faced, this will never go through. No matter where he got sued in, this applies everywhere. You can say he's the wannabe ruler of the music world right now.

Another documentary released on Disney+ 2 days before Minus was out, entitled "Wait, There's More". In it Ed gives us details of his personal life, something he's mostly never done since he's a private person. Also, it appears that he's going to quit music earlier than you think, if people don't watch the documentary. If enough people did, then he wouldn't quit at all.

The first two singles from Subtract are "Eyes Open" and "Sinking Ship". Surprisingly, these were considered to be one of his best songs simply because they're honest enough. It seems as if his music is finally improving, but again, that's not saying much.

On Star Wars Day 2023, Ed took back his statement of retiring from music after enough people watched his new documentary. Unfortunately, world peace will never be a real thing as a result.

Ed's failed attempt at killing more people.

Minus was released a day later and everyone in the world loved it. But let's be real, he'll never get his true fanbase back. However, in an attempt to do so, he remade that meme from 2017 when he was promoting Divide in his home country, but now he's in Los Angeles. Another Edpidemic did not happen and as a result, no one was killed, despite being the most powerful person in the world.[24] Also, not only that, but it appears that he seems to be upset while doing the remake, simply because Minus debuted at number 2 on the Billboard Hot 100, when all he wants is for it to be number one on both that and the Official Charts. That never happened.

Also, he doesn't consider his tour as his "farewell tour" anymore after - was released, so it feels like as if he's going to be in the music industry forever.[25] In his US leg of the tour, in an attempt to redeem himself, he decides to give away foods to random strangers. While this can be seen as a nice gesture, this still actually doesn't help his reputation elsewhere, especially when he's around with famous people like him.

It has been revealed that Ed has decided to do another series of albums, based on seasons. He has been stealing this idea from Weezer and Antonio Vivaldi, in which they did EPs and songs based on seasons. In Ed's case, he's doing full length albums. Obviously the latter can't sue him since he's dead, but Weezer were prevented from doing so, as usual. He also says that he will sell Damper Hampers which included everything that he's fond of when one talks about Autumn. Additionally, Ed has mentioned that a free Damper Hamper will be included when one buys the physical copy of his album (see the discography section) and free "Autumn-Vision" sunglasses for limited edition copies. Because he's responsible for making pounds worthless, Damper Hampers cost less than $9 (US equivalent). Nevertheless, demand for the Damper Hampers were high, so they were sold out in less than a minute after the ad was posted on socials. It restocked on the 24th of August 2023, which also happens to be the announcement for the new album.

In another possible pyramid scheme, Ed has decided to sell travel tickets to Mediocre Britain, but that's because of how mediocre Autumn is there. Both tickets will be added into the packages of the regular and limited edition physical versions of his new album. Autumn will come exactly a week after his last theater show, which is basically the 29th of September. Those who preorder the physical version of the album will get a free Damper Hamper, while those who buy the limited edition version will get a Damper Hamper, plus free "Autumn-vision" shades. Both versions contain tickets to Mediocre Britain. So, you thought this was a pyramid scheme. Surprisingly, it isn't.


Does this mean his reputation is getting better? No. Anyways, the Autumn album got released and people think that was better than Minus. During the pop-up event at New York City, Ed was been accused of cheating through the corn maze that was set up. This album was his second attempt at recovering his fanbase, which will never happen at all.

But it doesn't get any better, because during the finale of his Las Vegas tour stop, the Tour That Can't be Pronounced would be extended to 2026.

In 2024, Ed changed his mind about ruining South America and instead decide to terrorize some music festivals around the world and also some parts of Europe that he's never been to before. He is still ruining Asia and the Middle East, though.

Musical style

Ed's music has been considered by many to be pop, mostly stereotypical acoustic pop ballads that you would hear at a wedding. This was always the basis for his earlier albums and his debut, as well as all his albums, but when x was released, he somehow managed to ripoff other styles done by artists, mostly those of Justin Timberlake, Bruno Mars, Jason Mraz and even Justin Bieber to some extent. On his third album, ÷, which has been considered to be his most fatal album to date, it is not as similar as his debut but is some what folk-pop inspired, with elements of neofolk and dance pop. That album also began his selling-out phase. No.6 Collaborations Project combines a lot of genres like reggaeton and electropop, but it falls flat. His fifth album, =, which is his not his 4th, has some songs sound like they come from a Maroon 5 album. This is what you get for selling out. In an attempt to win back his fans, - was made to sound similar to his first two albums and was intended to copy Taylor Swift's entire discography. Everyone loved the album, but that wasn't enough to make them fans. Same could also go for the Autumn album with the long name, but better.

Personal life

We knew what he has done when he's not performing, including, but not limited to;

  • Pouring a bowl with Cheerios with his face on it without milk
  • Having streams on the website UStream while meeting people he has never met before
  • Attempting to overdose on gummy bears
  • Ghostwriting songs for artists like Justin Bieber, One Direction and many more
  • Pretending to be the The Gingerbread Man from Shrek, Chucky, or Prince Harry
  • Creating plans for world domination
  • Making it so that every Autumn, his face shows up when leaves die (a reason why many Brits do not go outside during Autumn)
  • Nearly killing people in music videos and getting away with it
  • Fondling chickens
  • Throwing dollops of whipped and/or shaving cream at his tour crewmates when it's their birthday
  • Opposing Brexit (ironically)
  • Taking too much breaks
  • Being an overtly protective father to his kids
  • Cat huffing (pictured)
  • Destroying all things (he succeeds every time)
  • Stealing concepts for his albums
  • Making terribly overplayed music, as always
What are you doing to that poor cat? Put it down!

...and much more. What could possibly go wrong?

Other things you might not know about him

There are a lot of things people (including you) don't know about him until now.

  • Ed is close friends with the cast of Friends.
  • There is a river that runs through Ed's hometown called the River Danforth, named after Thomas Danforth from the Salem witch trials. Unfortunately, because Ed was more famous, the river has since been renamed after him.
  • Ed dislikes Coachella and will not play there.
  • Ed is very good at lying. For example, in an interview from 2021, when asked how tall he is, he answered that he is 5'10". Google refutes this, saying that he is 5'8".
  • Ed has ruined many TV shows and movies. Every time he cameos in a TV show, people would either switch channels or turn off the TV immediately. For movies, people would just leave the theater. This doesn't apply to those who are British, however, because they're forced to watch his cameos, even if they don't want to.
  • Despite being born in 1991, some sources say that he was born ten years before (1981), which would've made him in his forties. He also would've had the exact same birthdate as Paris Hilton.
  • Ed has an obsession with tattoos and has several of them in his body. No other ginger would have that many. Apparently, he claims to have only one, which isn't true at all.
  • Ed's eyes are blue, but his eyes turn black when he's upset, and white/pastel blue when he's happy. He is the only person capable of this. Currently, researchers in the country are finding the cause of this.
  • Ed's favourite sauce is ketchup. His least favourite is mustard.
  • Ed has killed many people in his music videos and never gets arrested for his crimes, even if it is accidental.
  • Due to his massive ego being inflated by the British government, he instantly wins a Grammy or any other music award every time he gets nominated. This could also be the case for his Uncyclopedia article being one of the top articles of 2023, but it is unknown at the moment. You bastards.
  • Currently, Ed is learning Italian and Sheeranism will be spread to Italy if he gets fluent in it. As of 2023, it has already conquered the entire country because he's the best-selling foreign artist there.
  • Every time Ed shaves off his beard, he instantly gets mistaken for a girl. This is justified due to him possibly having a gender crisis, but almost no one disagrees with that idea that he's male. There's a picture of him wearing a dress that exists on the Internet, but he has no plans to change his gender.
  • Rumors are circulating around that Ed is not real and is actually an artificial intelligence trained on the latest songs that have charted on the Official Charts. This gives him inspiration to create his next song inspired by these songs, and then writes them so that hopefully they could be the next chart hit. If that is true, then he is allegedly trained by his family, friends, fanbase (if it even exists in the first place) and the people who run the Official Charts. There's also other radio hosts that have done this too just to rig them. However, it has all been disproved as somehow he exists as a human and not an AI. Although, with the rise of ChatGPT, he pretty much has a chip in his body to do all these things. Without this chip, he'll (most likely) die.
    • But, since he's a god, he actually can't die. He is the human equivalent of the immortal jellyfish, so even if he dies, he'll regenerate back to where he used to be. In addition, he'll go back to his adult stage if this happens.
  • In some images on the internet, Ed's hair isn't red, but rather blond. This could be true if the way it was taken made his hair look blond, or rather, photoshopped so that he's blond. He's denied this numerous times and said that he's a redhead, and said that he has strawberry blond hair, which is basically a red-tinted version of, well, blond, which is why it's named that way.
  • It appears that Ed is related to a mobster named Frank Sheeran. Neither of them met in person.
  • Out of every celebrity to ever exist in the world, Ed appears to be the most recognized of them all. He is also the only-known celebrity to have a "default" outfit, which is similar to that of many fictional characters. He can easily be spotted with his ginger/strawberry blond hair, a white shirt, black or green pants/shorts (preferably in the Stone Island brand), and sneakers, but the design of the sneakers depends on what he chooses, so basically he's known to have a large sneaker collection. Occasionally he'll wear a sweater instead of a white shirt, and a pair of sunglasses sometimes.[26] Also, he could be spotted with a cap on, but that's also an occasional thing. You'll either find him with or without a beard in recent years, simply because he doesn't like growing a beard nowadays and wants to make himself look more younger. Don't forget that he's also more recognizable with the tattoos in his arms. With this outfit that he has worn in public more often as of now and not other outfits that he used to wear back in the 2010s, he's arguably the most stalked celebrity ever in the history of the entire world. Somehow Ed isn't bothered by this, even with having a private personal life that no one should ever care about.
  • Because of how evil he (mostly) is, this article holds the record for the most categorized page on a single person in Uncyclopedia, with about 50 categories. Not only that, but apparently Ed appears to be the most categorized musician in the website. This article also appears to be the featured article with the most categories on the fork. WHAT WAS THE WRITER THINKING?!
    • Except, who cares? He's forgettable for the most part. If he dies, people will forget that he was dead as he is capable of resurrecting himself. No wonder he will be alive even beyond the eventual heat death of the, seriously. He's not your average human, and not your average celebrity. Although he dresses like an ordinary person just to trick people into thinking that he's not famous at all.
  • There are other things about him if you watch a MTV program called "101 Things You Should Know About Ed", which includes some (but not all) of the facts that are listed in the program. Since that would make this list longer, you should be better off watching it on YouTube or another video sharing website. Let's move on to the next section.
    Let's be real. Did Ed really bleach his hair?

Public image

Despite being one of the most forgettable singers ever in recent history, Ed is actually a nice person and pretty much deserves credit for philanthropy. For example, he has donated to various charities, a majority of them in his hometown. This barely proves that he isn't a dick after all... unlike fellow ginger Geri Halliwell.[27] Even with this personality, he ruins British peoples' lives when any of his songs get placed on #1 on the Official Charts. People may look at him and think that, "Oh wow, he's such a nice person",[WTF?] but what he really is that he is a wolf in sheep's clothing (see below).

Relationships with other celebrities

Ed is known for his fake "nice guy" personality. As mentioned, he seems to be really nice to ordinary people when you look at his face or his body language, but he is actually a very mean person when he's around with celebrities. He gets extremely fussy when another person wins a category he's nominated in at an award show, like Kanye West, which means he's egotistical. An example being that when he was nominated for "Favorite Male Artist" at the 2018 Kids Choice Awards, he lost to Shawn Mendes (who, ironically, mentioned Ed as an influence). When Mendes got up on stage to accept his award, despite being banned from every award show in existence, Ed straight up interrupts Mendes' speech Kanye West style by entering The Forum and getting on stage, saying that he is the greatest artist of all time and that he deserves it. He got kicked out by security for the rest of the show. This ended up with Mendes no longer acknowledging Ed as an influence, and, of course, a feud on Twitter between the two. The trend "#IStandWithShawn" began trending, and, as a result, Ed was banned from being nominated from the Kids Choice Awards ever again.

He also used to be friends with Taylor Swift. During the production of the latter's album "Reputation", he got extremely upset when Swift said that she was going to feature American rapper Future for the song "End Game". Ed got into an argument with Swift about which rapper should be featured in the song, which ended up in a physical fight between them. Swift is no longer friends with Ed since that incident.

During the production of the music video for "Merry Christmas", Ed killed Elton John by kicking a present to his head. Although many thought that this was intentional, Ed said that it was by accident, which of course, is a big fat lie. Due to British laws, he would not be arrested for charges of murder.

His fake personality can be seen on TV, which is proven by going on the internet and reading news articles and YouTube videos of what really goes on behind the scenes during episodes of late-night show episodes and movie sets. It makes James Corden the nicest celebrity in the world. This is why no one in Britain wants to be like him, or be famous in the first place. But still, they wished they could get away with crimes. That's the only thing good about him.

British propaganda

The one true god in his truest form. You can't kill the center eye, which is supposed to be him, by the way, but the eyes in the rings can be damaged. However, they'll regenerate instantly.
A practitioner of Sheeranism

If you have lived in the UK for a very long time, you wouldn't go a day without his name being mentioned. He is everywhere in the country. There's a story behind this; back in 2012, the British government and Pink Floyd asked the public to vote for which act should close out the 2012 London Olympics. The winning act would perform with Pink Floyd in the closing ceremony. Out of the many choices, Ed was chosen to close it out by a single vote. Coldplay was second. He was also chosen to perform for the British Army in Afghanistan. When he got knighted in 2017, the government decided to make him the "one true god" of the country. Ed would be allowed to do any crime in Britain without getting arrested. The government also opened up churches in the building to worship him in an all-new religion, otherwise known as "Sheeranism". Every place in the country will be forced to have a Sheeranist building by default, otherwise they could face fines. There are more Sheeranists than any major religion in the British Isles. However, not only that, but the religion has spread around the world, including Australia, the USA, Brazil, and more countries. Said religion has been accused of being cult-like, in which the government denies that. Also, the 17th of February, which is Ed's birthday, is now considered a national holiday. It is tradition to send him Valentine's cards with happy birthday written on it, along with other things associated with the holiday, because it is 3 days after Valentine's Day. Ed's music has been used as a weapon of mass destruction around the world. He also got a seat in Parliament, but Ed doesn't seem to be bothered with politics. As such, the government considers him as a national hero and would arrest anyone that speaks negatively of him. He's not going to lose this title when he retires or dies.

People thought that Ed is Bat Fuck Insane because of his role and some of the actions that he has done, which is actually true because he really is, prior to that he wasn't, but now he is now. Because of this, he has been banned from the Axis of Evil-Doers since he overpowered every single member there. Heck, even Ed somehow managed to beat Adolf Hitler in an arm wrestling competition in less than one second. He also ripped his arms off as well.

One could argue that Ed is the most powerful celebrity to ever exist. This is true, as he has every single superpower imaginable, such as flight and time travel. He can't die either way, and when all humans are mass extinct, Ed will be the only human to survive.


He's also banned from Heaven and Hell because he's way more powerful than God and Satan. Not joking. But he's not going to die anyways, so it's also pretty pointless for him to go to these areas when he dies.

Also, all political parties in the country must believe in Sheeranism. Not doing so will get you fired. This has happened at least once.

Ed's name as a god is, mind you, "Edsus Christ Prime". People have mistook the abbreviation of his god name by one letter and got something very unfortunate.

Considering the fact that after Taylor Swift got the title of Time Person of the Year in 2023, she is pretty much now the god, or goddess of the music space, but in the country that Ed has lived in since coming from Canada a day after he was born, claiming that Swift is the "one true god of music and the entire world" will get you a penalty.

Okay but... How is he a nationalist? I'm confused.

For several years, Ed has been loyal to the UK since he was born, despite being born in Canada. He is also loyal to his county, in that case, Suffolk, since that's where he grew up most of the time in his life. Not West Yorkshire, though, even though he actually has a Canadian and Yorkshire accent. His Suffolk accent is faked by him. He supports the national football team. He also supports Ipswich Town and actually went as far as sponsoring it with his farewell unsearchable tour (not joking). He has played 12 shows in Wembley Stadium and broke an entire record for most shows played there. Even Elton John and Adele could not top that. Additionally, Ed has more hits than any other artist in the Official Charts in the 21st century, has more certifications and awards in the country, performed for the Queen three times, and most likely has more fans there. You can not make all of this up, since he's the most nationalist Brit in the entire world.

However, despite being British, he is also (secretly) Japanese to some extent, but that fact usually gets covered up by the government because of it being not true, according to them. Unlike almost every foreign celebrity, Ed's name in Japanese is entirely in Hiragana and not the usual Katakana, and is one of the few celebrities to have that distinction.

This is what it would look like if it were spelled that way: えど しいらん

It's also worth noting that there's another variation of his name that retains the Hiragana translation of his first name except due to his last name sounding Japanese, and not Irish as originally stated, so convert his last name to Kanji and you get this: 紫藍えど

But even with all this information Ed will always be loyal to the Brits, despite the names made up by his "fanbase" overseas. He seems to be ignorant of his nonexistent fans from around the world.

Operation Gingerbread

"Operation Gingerbread" is the funeral plan for Ed. The plan includes the announcement of his death, the period of official mourning and the details of his state funeral. The plan started in 2017, the year when Ed got knighted. There were other plans put into motion, including "Operation Boots" if he were to die in Scotland, "Operation Red" if he were to die in Wales, "Operation Lion" if he dies in Ireland (and also the northern one) and "Operation Teddy Bear" if he dies anywhere that is not in the British Isles. There are several circumstances that will happen if Operation Gingerbread happens, but it's mostly similar to what they did to the Queen.

Except, if Ed dies, one of his representatives will have to convey the news. Their first act would have to be to contact the prime minister and the code phrase "the gingerbread man is dead" will be conveyed. All radios in the country will have to play his music only, but only the slower ones, since faster ones wouldn't be appropriate. Also, obviously, everyone in the country has to attend the funeral (unless they're unable to) and be upset about it. Those who are unable to have to watch the funeral from various livestreams. If you can't, well, obviously, you'd be charged millions of pounds for this.

But let's be real. That's never going to happen anyways. Ed's immortal. However, not only that, apparently since he got knighted it apparently made his entire family immortal as well. Depending on how you see it, it might be a good or bad thing. If he ever dies he'll just respawn, just like almost every single video game character ever.

Extreme Sheeranism

Extreme Sheeranists are known to write fanfiction. And they're very cringy. By the way, it seems that this is something that Ed would do.

You thought that we were done talking about Sheeranism. Well, what if we talk about an extreme version of Sheeranism? TLDR it's basically Sheeranism but it's extreme. But what we're talking about are the stalkers that Ed has. That's right, he has a lot of internet memes pertaining from his appearance to his shitty songs. They also write fan fiction about him, some of them talk about the reader (usually female) having sex with him. They are NOT true and honest Cheerios, though. They seemingly like white-knighting him, just like the white knights of CWC, or Christine Weston Chandler.[28] There's no way that he's going to have the same fate as her.

Other fanfictions can actually seem possible, such as this fanfiction in the right where it talks about "crawling into one's ear" very literally. If you see an Extreme Sheeranist, do not go near them. If they try to convince you to join their religion, just say "no thanks" and go on with your day, unless you actually really want to. Actually, you shouldn't. Why? Because you'll most likely be deranged by the time you do.

An extreme practitioner of Sheeranism

Failed prime minister campaign

In 2015, after the Multiply Tour ended, Ed decided to run for prime minister through an independent party. When he announced his campaign at first, he said that if he became prime minister, he would've made ketchup compulsory in every single steak restaurant and also would have made 5AM illegal. He tried to do so at the entrance of his home, but only one person supported him, which is ironic considering the fact that he's the most patriotic person in his country. Despite all this, he was so famous in his country, he became the favorite to win the election... only to lose to Theresa May. Since then he has given up with the campaign.

Impact on the music industry

This is your fault, Ed! You were the one who caused all this!

Ed has singlehandedly destroyed the entire British music industry after he debuted. The NME called him "uncool" when he first started out and still does to this day. Every year, at least one NME reporter gets fined for saying that he is uncool. He is also one of the many contributing factors to the pound being worthless. After "Sausage Rolls For Everyone" was released, he was criticized for being a "snobbish cunt" and for profiting off of food banks. Because of this, his sister hasn't talked to him for several years, and downright refuses to do interviews for the sake of her privacy. However, his parents and cousins are willing to do some interviews, and in a majority of them, they were concerned about his rise to power and how he'll eventually destroy the world with his music.

This is what Extreme Sheeranists think happens after Ed reads the entire Uncyclopedia article about him. Also, this is the ONLY time they got something right, even though they lie all the time and the fact that they're really delusional as well.

Even if he did all these bad things, he has allegedly influenced others including Shawn Mendes, Fifth Harmony, Why Don't We, and more. Every musical act that mentions him as an influence will be given the "Sheeran Effect", which means that their career will nearly fade away at the end of the decade that they were popular in, but they will still make music to annoy people. That mostly applies to artists who have debuted in the 2010s. Thankfully, there is a decrease in the amount of musicians citing him as an influence as of now. His actions have inspired artists like Drake and Taylor Swift to get away with more than three songs to hit the Billboard Hot 100. The entirety of Uncyclopedia will get fined when the British government finds out about this article, especially when they look at the categories.[29] There was a petition to deport him back to Canada, which would never pass. When he hypothetically retires, the British economy will rise again. But it's sinking slowly, and it will remain that way forever.

No matter what, there are Extreme Sheeranists trying to defend him. They get butthurt when someone says very bad about them. They believe that all of his songs are perfect and will not be able to withstand this article. Heck, they might be threatening legal action. And they're definitely going to get you at some point.

Why can't he stop lying? Goddamn it, we're going to get sued either way. Whoever wrote this article's going to get tried for slander and defamation, and will be pleaded guilty, making this article blocked in his home country. Screw you, Ed. We never liked you anyways. Sincerely, every Uncyclopedian ever.[30]


+ (2011)


  1. The B Team
  2. Drunk With A Cat
  3. You And I (Are About To Die)
  4. Why Don't You Come To My Shows During Grade 8?
  5. Wake Me Up When You're Sober
  6. Big Bump
  7. This Sucks
  8. That City
  9. I Stepped On A Lego
  10. You Don't Need Me
  11. Kiss You
  12. Give Me Love or Else
  13. Crunchy Leaves
  14. Twitter Is Fun
  15. Buy This Album
  16. I Hate The Beach

x (2014)


  1. 1
  2. Why
  3. Sing This Song
  4. Do Not Listen To Other Albums
  5. Please Come Back
  6. Photograph
  7. Blood
  8. Trainer Ocean
  9. I'm Running Away From My Home
  10. What Am I?
  11. Untitled (Take Me Into Your Loving Arms)
  12. Heartache
  13. Rewind
  14. Drowning
  15. Even I'm Lazy To Come Up With Song Titles
  16. The One Ring
  17. Okay? Okay.
  18. Rose
  19. Go Away
  20. Distant
  21. Make It Rain Forever

÷ (2017)


  1. Been Away
  2. On Top Of The Hill
  3. 10,000 Rocks On A Lake
  4. I'm Back & I'm Desperate
  5. - .... . / -... . ... - / ... --- -. --. / .. -. / - .... . / .-- --- .-. .-.. -..[31]
  6. Girl From Galway
  7. Tell Me This Will Be Over Soon
  8. The Kanye Song
  9. Break Your Heart Instantly
  10. What Do I Even Know?
  11. How Do You Feel
  12. Meet Me In The Supermarket
  13. Somewhere In The World
  14. What Do I Even Know? Part 2
  15. A Song About Nobody
  16. If You Don't Like This Album, Don't Listen To It

No.6 Collaborations Project (2019)


  1. Am I Beautiful? (Please Say You Do) (feat. Khalid and Ariana Grande)
  2. North of the Border (feat. Jessie Reyes and Drake)
  3. Cross The Others Out (feat. Chance the Rapper & PnB Rock)
  4. Take Other Albums Back To London (feat. Stormzy & Aitch)
  5. The Best Part Of This Album (feat. Adele)
  6. We're Friends Now (with Justin Bieber)
  7. On Something (feat. Kanye West)
  8. Forget Who I Am Please (Remember My Name) (feat. Eminem & 50 Cent)
  9. Felt It (feat. Young Thug and DJ Khaled)
  10. Put This Album On Number One (feat. Ella Mai)
  11. Nothing (feat. Bad Bunny)
  12. I Don't Want A Bad Metacritic Score (feat. H.E.R. and Paul McCartney)
  13. 1000 Days and a Night (feat. Meek Mill & A Boogie Wit da Hoodie)
  14. How To Break My Heart Easily (feat. Skrillex, Diplo and Deadmau5)
  15. BLOW YOUR MIND (feat. Florida Georgia Line and every feature on this album)

= (2021)


  1. Life Is Changing
  2. Do It Like That
  3. First Time Ever
  4. Nothing Happens After Two
  5. Fade Away
  6. Flip Over
  7. Leave Me Alone
  8. Crash
  9. 2sided
  10. Stop This
  11. Denial
  12. Save You
  13. Marshmallow Skies
  14. To Be Continued
  15. Antarctica
  16. YOLO
  17. Penguins
  18. I Will Always Love You
  19. Welcome To My World
  20. Flip Over (feat. Taylor Swift Nobody, because no one wants to collaborate with him on this track for a remix)
  21. 2sided (feat. Lil Baby)
  22. Nothing Happens After Two (feat. Bring Me The Horizon)
  23. Peru

- (2023)


  1. Sinking Ship
  2. Saltwater
  3. Eyes Open
  4. Forward
  5. Dust Bunny
  6. End Of My Career
  7. Blindfold
  8. Closed
  9. Abandoned
  10. Strike
  11. You Don't Wanna Know
  12. Synthesize
  13. No Strings Attached
  14. I'm Back & I'm Desperate Part 2
  15. Door
  16. Cigarettes
  17. After
  18. My Last Song (Because You Don't Like Me Anymore)
  19. Everybody Hates Me (Vinyl Exclusive)
  20. I Get It (Vinyl Exclusive)
  21. I'm Done (Vinyl Exclusive)
  22. Goodbye (Vinyl Exclusive)
  23. Actually I Lied About Leaving (Physical Disc Exclusive)

Totally Not Stealing This Idea From Vivaldi and Weezer: Autumn (2023)


  1. The song that I sing to my kids every day, I am not joking. What makes you think I should release it as a single?
  2. !!! World Domination !!!
  3. fucking GREAT!!!!!!!
  4. Baby, You're A Firework. Come On, Let Your Colors Burst.
  5. 🧡[32]
  6. can you see me? (👁️👄👁️)✌️
  7. IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!!!11!!!!!111!1!!
  8. Chapter 1:
  9. I dON'T hAvE a FlAT chEST
  10. You Thought This Album Was Entirely About Autumn???
  11. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)[33]
  12. ♡ I'm Just Ed ♡
  13. 17/2/1991
  14. Why is this album ending??? What the fuck???? HELP??????? UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Denial, Again (2024)

Other songs that nobody cares about (according to Spotify), with some exceptions

(Parentheses and italics) denote actual lead singers of these songs.

  • So (2009)
  • I Like You (2009)
  • Lately (feat. Devlin) (2011)
  • Me (feat. Wiley) (2011)
  • Friends (feat. P Money) (2011)
  • Ego (feat. JME) (2011)
  • Big Man (feat. Mikill Pane) (2011)
  • Don't Kill Me (feat. Ghetts) (2011)
  • Dreams (feat. Random Impulse, Sway & Wretch 32) (2011)
  • Hello Again (feat. Dot Rotten) (2011)
  • London Bridge Is Falling (feat. Yelawolf and Fergie) (2011)
  • You Need Me FFS (feat. Yelawolf) (2011)
  • Literally Everyone (feat. Yelawolf) (2011)
  • Outro (feat. Yelawolf) (2011)
  • Get It Out (2011)
  • Two Days (2011)
  • Fireflies (Owl City Cover) (2011)
  • Autumn (2011)
  • Sprinklers (2011)
  • Where We Are (2011)
  • Hot Tea (2011)
  • Her (2011)
  • Nobody Cares Enough (2014)
  • Enemies (2014)
  • Put It Off (Rudimental) (2015)
  • Peru (Fireboy DML) (2021)
  • Merry Christmas (feat. Elton John) (2021)
  • Sausage Rolls For Everyone (LadBaby) (2021)
  • Bam Bam (Camila Cabello) (2022)
  • Segue/Never Your Love (J Balvin) (2022)
  • Are You NOT Entertained? (Russ) (2022)
  • Un Dia Ordinario (An Ordinary Day) (Paulo Londra) (2022)
  • Turning On Against You (Big Narstie) (2022)
  • Friendly Haters (D-Block Europe) (2022)
  • Scarlet and Violet (2022)
  • Call on My Own (Vianney) (2022)
  • F64 (2023)
  • A Really Beautiful Game (2023)
  • The Strictly Great Bar Factor Got Talent (Devlin) (2023)
  • Unguiding Darkness (No One Has Talent Anniversary Edition) (Foy Vance) (2023)
  • Don't Let Him Out (AGH MY EARS 10th Anniversary Version) (Passenger) (2023)

See also


  1. Even though he doesn't visit it as often as he used to before.
  2. I mean, have you really? Maybe you have, but I highly doubt that.
  3. Because it was popular. Also, he wasn't named for the Thomas & Friends character.
  4. Considering this, they also had the option to abort him but that never happened.
  5. It also didn't work for other locations at his school.
  6. Also known as Plus and With
  7. Appearance matters; it has to have his face in it or else it won't work.
  8. It's also known as Multiply, Increase, Grow, and Breed.
  9. This album is also known as Split, but no one calls it that way.
  10. Well, kinda.
  11. In which he doesn't, obviously.
  12. Turns out he doesn't know how to count. This is technically his fifth.
  13. But that's not saying much.
  14. It was also placed in the number one spot too.
  15. Slowly the world is starting to recover itself.
  16. Who also looks like him.
  17. One would question how this is related to Christmas at all.
  18. Who is also known to make sausage roll-themed Christmas songs that reach number one on the charts.
  19. Yes, really.
  20. Basically the stage spins Ed around, slowly in a 360° manner. Occasionally, it would move up and down. Meanwhile, the band members are separated from each other. This was done just because he wanted more people to attend his shows. Very desperate, right? In some cases, fireworks and colourful smoke bombs would light up on top of the the halo-shaped video screen.
  21. He's not covering the Dolly Parton song, by the way.
  22. also known as Subtract and Deduct
  23. Referring to American Thanksgiving. What did you expect in an article about a British celebrity who is really Canadian?
  24. Maybe he just doesn't want to do it again.
  25. SPOILER ALERT: He is going to be in the music industry forever.
  26. He also used to wear prescription glasses, but that made him less recognizable than he used to nowadays.
  27. Who may have also done the same but still she's a dick.
  28. Except they seem to be even more toxic. Asshats.
  29. The only solution is to make the categories more positive.
  30. P.S. You seriously don't have an idea what "talent" is to you.
  31. The Best Song In The World
  32. Orange
  33. Swiggity Swooty
Cream of the Crap
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