Wedding
A wedding, also known as a 'Woman day' is an elaborate social function with the primary aim of making everyone give a woman as much attention for as long as possible.
Reasons For A Wedding[edit | edit source]
1. Woman is over 30 and poor as a churchmouse, so she marries to have half the bills paid.
2. Woman's family suspects that she is a lesbian, so she marries to get them off her back.
3. Woman is fat and knows she will never do better than the joker she is marrying.
4. Why not? I had nothing better to do.
5. To remove unwanted plants from one's garden.
Shit hits the fan[edit | edit source]
If a woman starts talking about a wedding you know you are entering a world of pain. Women usually have their marriage planned down to the finest detail by the time they are six, which is when they traditionally start looking for a husband. The husband is largely incidental to wedding procedure, however it is illegal to perform the wedding without him, and because no woman wants an unsightly man next to her at her wedding, great care is taken to find a candidate who slots neatly into the mental image.
Most men know the score on this front and will run a mile as soon as the 'W' word rears it's ugly head, however sometimes men will actually consider having a wedding, if you are a man and considering a wedding, your first thought should indicate what is wrong with you:
- Fabulous, I can buy a new suit and some shoes... You are gay, find a man to marry.
- That would be a lovely way of publicly expressing our love and commitment... You are gay, find a man to marry.
- Wow a wedding, that's a relatively pain free way of seeing all my friends... You are clearly a mentalist or some other kind of retard. Have a couple of valium, a whisky, a joint then a little lie down.
How to tell someone you got engaged (Often confused with "Enraged")[edit | edit source]
Engagee: Hi Bullcrap, I got engaged this weekend
Guy engagee knew: Ohh, make a fart.
Engagee: Thanks. it happened while you were drinking beer and mooning people at the football game last Sunday. When you mooned the player of the Nuts, they got spooked and had a touchdown, so I proposed to my boyfriend and he said "Yes"!
Engagee: I hate to do this, but I gotta go, I'm hungry and want to eat at the In N' Out
Engagee: Bye
Guy engagee knew: Gee, that was quick. What's next, the Pope becoming Catholic?
The big day....[edit | edit source]
No wedding is complete without the following elements:
2nd Thoughts[edit | edit source]
On the day of the wedding it is traditional for the bride and groom to pretend they don't want to do it. Obviously this is just an elaborate charade with the aim of focusing everyone's attention on the bride more strongly. When you consider that the groom has already invested more than his car cost on an engagement ring, a Wedding Ring and a wedding band, and the bride's parents spent a truck load of money on a dress that can't really be used for anything else.
There is also an opportunity during the service for objections from the public. Again this is a facade, as anyone who has tried to stop in this way knows.....
Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue...[edit | edit source]
Borrow your friends new pensioner porn DVD and you pretty much have this covered.
The ceremony[edit | edit source]
When the guests arrive for a wedding, the ushers will ush the guests with both style and grace. In a typical wedding ceremony, which is derived primarily from tradition, the bride and groom will stand side by side at the front of the church, zeppelin hanger, or utility closet throughout most or all the ceremony.
Depending on the country, her age and situation, and her personal preferences, the bride may walk alone or be escorted by her father, her mother, both of her fathers, both of her mothers, members of the commune in which she was born, her step-father, her ex-husband, a mannequin, or the groom. In Swedish weddings, the bride and groom usually [CENSORED].
The music played during the procession is commonly called a death march, no matter what songs are played.
If the wedding is part of a religious service, it cannot be recognized as legally binding in the United States for doing so would violate the separation of church and state.
After the wedding ceremony itself ends, the bride, groom, officiant, and two witnesses generally go off to a side room consummate the marriage. Once the witnesses and officiant are satisfied with the bride and groom's performance, they sign the state-issued marriage license. If the marriage license is not signed, the marriage is illegal, and all parties involved will be hunted down without mercy by the authorities and shot on sight.
Once the marriage license is signed, the bride and groom only have one chance to get to the reception: to run for their very lives! For this is the part of the ceremony where the guests start throwing flower petals, rice, birdseed, stones, rocks or knives at the newlyweds - and their suitability for married life is determined by whether they can run the gamut without coming to an untimely end.
The reception[edit | edit source]
Weddings are most often followed by receptions. The reception is where the dancing, drinking, and partying occur, basically to celebrate the death of a friend's social life. Occasionally, the reception will be cut short by another party. This is known as an interception, and the lucky woman who caught the bride's garter may then run with it until she is tackled, forced out of bounds, or scores.
The aftermath[edit | edit source]
Once the wedding procedure is completed the woman becomes a 'Wife' and the man becomes a 'Husband'... Both have clear responsibilities in the relationship:
- The Husband's main task is to try to escape the clutches of the wife (also known as the 'ball and chain' or 'Er indoors') in any way possible. Classic solutions include:
- The Wife's responsibilty is try to recapture the attention she received during the wedding by endless talking about it. She may use a variety of props to assist her in this mission:
- The wedding photos
- The wedding video
- Auntie Jane's photos from the wedding
- If all else fails A divorce can be used to re-focus attention on the bride....
“You know that after almost 18 months divorced, I have begun seeing someone within the last month. Well, my Ex Husband went a little nutso when he found out...but has been sticking to the no contact.....that is until today. Well unbeknownst to him....i am aware that he shipped his girlfriend off to California on Wednesday...so has habits go....I was expecting the torment and torture to begin then....he gave it a couple of days and it today it started. Starts off with a simple e-mail..asking what plans if any did I have for our son's birthday next week.That led into....."so are u and K living together part time now or what??" Well, trying to be nice....i simply responded no. He pushes it on and ultimately in the end....he has the nerve to tell me that back in April he bought a 3+ karat solitaire, size 7. So dummy me....i congratulate him, wish him well and simply say...well now you've finally gotten what it was u were after all along....best wishes on your marriage. He calls me a dumazz and tells me that he bought it for me!!!!!!!!!! :o WTF!!!!!!!!!! How is it that you are living with your girlfriend and go out and buy an engagement ring for your Ex wife??? Not that I really believe that he did...but it all boils down to she's away the mouse wants to play. I cut him short...tell him he had his chances and opportunities with me and he forfeited all of those already. Too bad, so sad.....keep on trucking, buddy. I have had enuff of the freaking mind games.....But you know what....this time it didn't make me cry....my heart didn't feel like someone stabbed me in it....and I felt nothing....sad...but true....a 22 year relationship and suddenly I feel nothing like i used to feel when I would see his name in my inbox, his name on my caller id...or even a car that looked like his roll by on the road. I FELT NOTHING.....”
Oyster card: Not particularly bridal
If the Wedding Goes Wrong[edit | edit source]
You're soon-to-be wife will be mad at you and blame everything on you.