Oyster card

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The Oyster Card is a piece of plastic commonly held to allow one to enter any part of London using the power of magnets and "computer tomfoolery". They are to be feared and respected, just like the Royal Family or Ant & Dec. There is, however, a very dark secret to their usage. Oyster Cards are in fact where all of the microchips Bill Gates planned to put in vaccines ended up, meaning anybody who owns an Oyster Card hears the Windows XP boot-up sound whenever they wake up, making people confused and hopeful for a future where Windows Vista never existed, which unfortunately it did. Oyster Cards make travelling in London marginally less difficult although sadly not reducing the number of incidents where homeless people hapazardly relieve themselves onto expensive garments and jewellery.


“The world is your Oyster card”

~ Proverbs 25:16

Take the rough with the smooth[edit | edit source]


It's well plastic, two tone blue on blue. Put it on the machine, green light goes on, machine goes beep. What more can you really expect out of life?? I know it, and you know it, even your mum knows it: the Oyster card is the shit. If you got one in your pocket, then you're fresh like Daisy Duke.

Squash your Beef[edit | edit source]

The haters, they talk and talk and talk.... It doesn't work if you go overland to Romford or whatever, but it's not as if Tfl is in the business of providing an integrated transport network is it? And who the fuck lives in Romford anyway? Seriously did you ever meet someone that lives in Romford. I know it hurts inside, but we are all here for you.

You Too Johnny Foreigner![edit | edit source]

Every tourist that comes to London thinks they've been rinsed when they find out that the trip from Heathrow they paid £18 for only really costs £1.20, but who are tourists anyway, and where do they come from. Think about that before you go talkin like a idiot.

“It don't take money, don't take fame, don't need no Oyster Card to ride this train”

Minor Technicalities[edit | edit source]


To get you from A to B, the Oyster card needs to be well juiced with liquidity. The word on the street is that Ken Livingstone individually 'Baptises' each card before it sees the light of day.

Facts and figures[edit | edit source]

Ok, k.......... enough chat about all the ins and outs. Let's just let the numbers do the talking:

  • Since its launch in 2003 over 17 million Oyster cards have been sold. When you consider that the population of the greater London metro area is around 13 million, it doesn't take a mathematical genius to work that if you live in London you've probably got something like 6 oyster cards.
  • To date the Oyster card has saved 1420 lives and £149,080,000.
  • If I won the lottery I'd put £2400 on my Oyster card.
  • The Oyster card is more than just big, it's massive in a truly massive way.

See also[edit | edit source]