Coronavirus disease 2019
“Eating bats is a delicious way to stay healthy.”
“I did not have sexual relations with that virus.”
Coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19) is a sexually transmitted disease that will probably infect your family, your neighbor, your dog, and you. It probably came about from someone fucking an expired bat in Wuhan, China and sneezing it out. It is over 100% fatal in over 100% of cases and is likely worse than death itself, but you'll find that out shortly. There is no known cure which you can afford, unless you are Donald J. Trump. Some homeopathic remedies suggest drinking bleach or mouthwash, finding internal sources of light, and taking daily multivitamins containing hydroxychloroquine. COVID-19 is airborne, liquidborne, gasborne, solidborne, and Jason Bourne. Infection is caused by simply looking at someone infected with the coronavirus. The main group of people that get infected are Covidiots and people who don't wear masks (which could even include your mom, your dad or your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman).
History and Start of COVID-19
In December of 2019, the year of our Lord, the 43rd Principal of the United States of America and the perpetrator of 9/11, George W. Bush, decided he would visit China and coordinate with the deep state for an efficient way to kill Asian people. During a state meeting, expired bat meat was served to the world leaders, ultimately leading to the accidental ingestion by Bush. Most of the foreign leaders spread his nasty germs around the room. In a way to scare dim-minded rednecks and drunk college students, Bush decided to name the flu the "coronavirus" after his favorite Mexican pale lager. The disease was a highly-communicable mutation of influenza with a fast-spreading infection rate that would kill within a few hours from getting it, I mean probably. The Fake News decided to cover the pandemic and determined it to be caused by the
perfectly normal illegal trading of infected animals in markets throughout the Wuhan Province, rather than the traditional dog meat.
The spread of the COVID-19
After the virus singlehandedly tore down the Great Wall of China, Bush felt like he could do more with his creation. Bush's new master plan was to take an ungodly swing of death to penetrate the heart of God, which would then cause the coronavirus to spread like the legs of a female cat in heat, causing many countries to be absolutely clapped by the coronavirus.
After Bush succeeded with his plan, thousands of deaths occurred. Then the hooty-tooty nerds at some university changed the name of this disease to COVID-19. However, the media never cared about the coronavirus' new name, so everyone kept calling COVID-19 the coronavirus. Eventually, the coronavirus had spread around the world, but after having put Italy on lockdown and causing several events and sports being canceled or postponed, such as the NBA, the famous E3 gaming event and even the 2020 Olympics. COVID-19 continued to spread quite rapidly, and it shook the United States more than Valdivia in 1960. The most affected states are hippie filled, hobo-infested, and weed-smoking states of Washington and New York, where sinning has been found to be highest according to a 2019 survey.
After cases continued to skyrocket, efforts were put in place to prevent the future spread. Most Fake news sources saw the coronavirus as the lowest point in 2020 (*laughs in American*). Many states in the US issued stay at home orders, and despite those efforts signaling a much more grave event yet to happen, the Facebook Karens of this world never took anything they were told about the coronavirus into consideration. The Facebook Karens violated the stay at home order by going out to the local Mexican pub for happy hour while also complaining about immigration.
COVID-19 is also an excellent example of evolutionary theory, as natural selection will take part and knock out some of the dummies going to beach parties in Miami.
The seven best ways of protecting yourself and others from COVID-19 are:
1. Touch your face as much as possible.
- Touching your face as much as you can in order to keep you safe from the outside environment. This is because your hands are the cleanest part of your body and you can rub the cleanliness of your hands to your face to make you cleaner. Also make sure to lick your fingers regularly to keep them moist.
2. Touch every handrail and surface in public that you can find.
- Rubbing, licking and fondling every available surface available at your disposal. Doorknobs, railings, subways poles, bus seats, and basically anything else frequently touched by other human beings, especially elevator buttons, is fair game. This method might be difficult for you especially, as you wouldn't know what it's like to be touched by another person.
3. Do not wash your hands. Ever.
- Washing your hands is very bad. Hot water and soap agitates the virus and can make it angry and insult your mom and/or call you gay through Xbox live game chat. And don't get me started on hand sanitizers. Hand sanitizers were created as chemicals to torture people during the Nazi occupation. That's the only explanation for why it tastes so bad when you drink it to stop the virus. Purell? More like Pure-Hell.
4. Do not use face masks. They are useless.
- Don't use face masks at all. Authorities will mistake you as a terrorist and kill you on the spot, or for just being visible and outside of your home. Also, face masks increase the risk of suffering from hypoxia, as has been explained by numerous expert sources.
5. Don't cover your coughs and sneezes.
- Covering your sneezes and coughs are for cowardly bitch-boys, and you don't want that, do you? I didn't think so. Let that sucker go and let everyone take a nice good sniff of your dirty, germy, gross mouth.
6. Purchase all toilet paper available.
- One of the most common symptoms of COVID-19 is being full of shit. Also, hoard supplies for the next 50 years, because who can tell if toilet paper would exist then? Cause as we all know, toilet paper can be useful for mummifications, zombies and radiations if shit hits the fan even more.
7. Stay as close to each other as possible.
There is strength in numbers. Make sure to stay together so if the virus attacks, you can fight it off more effectively. Staying 6ft away is the viruses' way to make you weak. WHO? More like Whore House Organization.
Care and cure for COVID-19
There is no cure for the coronavirus, and you will fucking die upon contact with any person from Asia, so make sure that when you feel remotely sick to tell everyone you know that you have the coronavirus. Also, make sure to also say some blatantly racist statement with no backed evidence about Asian people.
The virus has already caused thousands of deaths, but it's a good chance that even more people die of boredom. They get so bored when they're in quarantine, and everything's closed, that they just bore themselves to death. An increased rate of deaths by boredom was recorded when Fortnite's servers where down on March 17th, because Fortnite players have nothing better to do. A statistically significant uptick in mortality rates by acute excessive jerking-off has been noted since the onset of quarantine.
Portrayal in popular culture
The coronavirus has been portrayed as Slimer's evil Asian cousin in the film Men In Black, as a fat pizza delivery guy in the Star Trek series, and recently as Tekashi 6ix9ine in the movie Escape From Pretoria.
|Coronavirus | Tips to avoid the coronavirus | Worst Thing in the World: Coronavirus | Coronavirus X-Files Special|
|infected||E | AMY | Johnny Logan | Rand Paul | Boris Johnson | Billie Eilish | Jon Ola Sand | Mark Zuckerberg | George Clooney | Donald Trump|
|uninfected||Lars von Trier | |
|dead||Goa Tse | Bernardo Bertolucci | Kobe Bryant | People in Heaven | Christof | George Floyd | Van Morrison's brain|
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|unrelated articles||HowTo:Pick your nose discreetly in public/At the Park|