Coronavirus disease 2019
“I did not have relations with that virus.”
COVID-19 is an extremely deadly sexually transmitted disease currently infecting your family, your neighbor, your dog, and probably you. It is 100% fatal in 100% of cases and is likely worse than death itself. There is no known cure which you can afford. It is an airborne, liquidborne, gasborne, and solidborne infection spread by simply looking at someone infected with the coronavirus. The main group of people that get infected are called a Covidiot and your grandma
After observing the success of the United Kingdom's Brexit project in promoting social cohesion and community spirit, the United Nations, the World Health Organisation, and Pope Francis proposed and subsequently undertook a similar experiment towards achieving sustainable world peace.
Start of the COVID-19
In January 2020, the 43rd President of the United States of America and the perpetrator of 9/11, George W. Bush, decided he would visit China and coordinate with the deep state for an efficient way to kill Asian people. In a way to scare dim-minded rednecks and drunk college students, Bush decided to name the flu he created in his sweatshops the coronavirus after his favorite Mexican pale lager. The disease was an alteration of the flu, and after many days of new infections appearing and numerous deaths, the media decided to pick up on this new pandemic. In typical fashion, the media deemed this mass outbreak to be caused by the
perfectly normal illegal trading of infected animals in markets throughout the Wuhan Province, which is obviously false.
The spread of the COVID-19
After the virus shut down most of China and infected many people, Bush felt like he could do more with his creation. So after many days of thinking, he decided to fly to his hive and hatch a new plan to spread the virus. Bush's new master plan was to take an ungodly swing of death to penetrate the heart of God, which would then cause the coronavirus to spread like the legs of a woman in the strip and causing many countries to be absolutely clapped by the coronavirus.
After Bush succeeded with his plan, thousands of deaths occurred. Then the hooty-tooty nerds at some university changed the name of this disease to COVID-19. However, the media never cared about the coronavirus' new name, so everyone kept calling COVID-19 the coronavirus. Eventually, the coronavirus had spread around the world, but after having put Italy on lockdown and causing several events and sports being canceled or postponed, such as the NBA, the famous E3 gaming event and even the 2020 Olympics. COVID-19 continued to spread quite rapidly, and it shook the United States more than Valdivia in 1960. A few of the worst affected states is the hippie filled, hobo-infested, weed-smoking states of Washington and New York.
After cases continued to soar, many efforts were put in place to prevent the spread again. The only things you can see on cable tv anymore are about the coronavirus, and many states in the US issued stay at home orders. Despite those efforts signaling a much more grave event yet to happen, the Facebook moms of this world never took anything they were told about the coronavirus into consideration. The Facebook moms violated the stay at home order by leaving home and socializing, inviting friends over, and buying toilet paper in stores. The only good sign from this event is that Facebook moms may eventually become extinct in the near future.
The six best ways of protecting yourself and others from COVID-19 are:
1. Touch your face as much as possible.
- Touching your face as much as you can in order to keep you safe from the outside environment. This is because your hands are the cleanest part of your body and you can rub the cleanliness of your hands to your face to make you cleaner.
2. Touch every handrail and surface in public.
- Rubbing, licking and touching every available surface possible, such as doorknobs, railings, subways poles, bus seats, and basically anything else frequently touched by other human beings is your best plan, and this doesn't include yourself and this will spread the cleanliness between humans.
3. Do not wash your hands.
- Washing your hands is very bad; washing your hands with hot water and soap agitates the virus and can make it angry and insult your mom and/or call you gay through Xbox live game chat. And don't get me started on hand sanitizers. Hand sanitizers were created as chemicals to torture people during the Nazi occupation.
4. Face masks are useless.
- Don't use face masks; the authorities will mistake you as a terrorist and kill you on the spot.
5. Don't cover your coughs and sneezes.
- Covering your sneezes and coughs are for cowardly bitch-boys, and you don't want that, do you?
6. Finally, buy all toilet paper available in the markets.
- During this epidemic, use toilet paper to try to get your shit together. Also, hoard supplies for the next 50 years, because who can tell if toilet paper would exist then? Cause as we all know, toilet paper can be useful for weaponry and rations if shit hits the fan even more.
Care and cure for COVID-19
There is no cure for the coronavirus, and you will fucking die upon contact with any person from Asia, so make sure that when you feel remotely sick to tell everyone you know that you have the coronavirus. Also, make sure to also say some blatantly racist statement with no backed evidence about Asian people.
The virus has already caused thousands of deaths, but it's a good chance that even more people die of boredom. They get so bored when they're in quarantine, and everything's closed, that they just bore themselves to death. Also, an increased rate of deaths by boredom was recorded when Fortnite's servers where down on March 17th, because Fortnite players have nothing better to do.
Portrayal in popular culture
The coronavirus has been portrayed as Shrek's evil Asian cousin in the film Men In Black, as a fat pizza delivery guy in the Star Trek series, and recently as Tekashi 6ix 9ine in the movie Escape From Pretoria.
|Coronavirus | Tips to avoid the coronavirus | Worst Thing in the World: Coronavirus | Coronavirus X-Files Special|
|infected||E | AMY | Johnny Logan | Rand Paul | Boris Johnson | Billie Eilish | Jon Ola Sand | Mark Zuckerberg|
|uninfected||Lars von Trier | Donald Trump | Queen Elizabeth II | Ozzy Osbourne | Claire Danes | Elon Musk|
|dead||Goa Tse | Bernardo Bertolucci | Kobe Bryant | People in Heaven | Christof | George Floyd|
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|unrelated articles||HowTo:Pick your nose discreetly in public/At the Park|