Sleep deprivation

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Sleep deprivation is serious business.

Sleep deprivation is a mostly unknown but very nasty disease that is caused by not sleeping for an extended period of time. It's quite easy to spot a poor sleep deprivation sufferer because the victim will sport a variety of symptoms like red eyes, poached eyes, dropping your fork mid-forklift, dropping your tablet on your nose, pulling doors marked "push", pushing doors marked "pull", misplacing your glasses on your head, wearing your clothes inside out, and falling asleep while you are saying something interesting.

Sleep deprivation is mostly seen in computer nerds who are playing WoW and other online games for days on end. When they finally manage to fall asleep, those recluse dream that the Orc Warlord is running to slay their Mage of Fury and wake up in a sweat. Poor blokes. Unfortunately nerds are not the only victims of sleep deprivation. Many people like accountants, programmers, marketers, and secretaries and university students who have to spend all their day and night to make a project or study at the last minute for an exam for the next day, teachers who have been bullied all day long and need to stay up all night in order to correct all of the children's homework, and new parents who have been bullied by their infants who don't know how to sleep yet are also in the category of people who are most likely to be infected. Anyway Sleep deprivation torments lots of people because it causes fatigue, irritability, aching muscles, Paranoia, inflammation, and a sensation of imminent asplosion of the skull area. The stigma of having sleep deprivation has caused some people to disguise themselves as workaholics, and brag about their accomplishments that they completed instead of a good night's sleep.

Therapy[edit | edit source]

Scientists had been looking for the miracle cure for years when someone who preferred to remain anonymous found out that coffee could overcome the drowsiness that sleep deprivation caused. Pharmaceutical companies were willing to give millions of dollars to whoever could come up with a way to chemically isolate caffeine in a pill or a syrup, so that it could be sold on the market as a miracle drug against sleepiness. Even thought regular coffee can do the same job, minus the high probability of the death because of the chemicals and dosage the pills contain, most of the people still prefer coffee pills because they are cheaper than their local barista and don't take as long to prepare. Five minutes to brew coffee is way too long, and then there is the extra two minutes to add your cream and/or sugar (or honey or the sweetener of your choice) if you hate black coffee.

Some patients suffering from sleep deprivation tried alternate solutions, such as bedtime stories, herbs, hot tea with herbs, drugs that went BOOM, diet pills, noise of various colors, scheduled naps, and energy drinks. However, the energy drinks were soon required to carry warning labels once college students started mixing them with keg booze at frat parties, and the others were outlawed by the pharmaceutical companies or authorities who had received complaints about explosions and property damage, and/or doctors treating patients for Anorexia. Exercise however, could not be outlawed due to all the profit earned by the gyms and sellers of gym and fitness equipment, which far outweighed the consequences of sports injuries like concussions.

The test subjects used in the experiments on the suitability of the products who didn't die of a heart attack did 3 things at the same time at the office or started running for hours. So, except the danger of cancer, heart attacks and strokes another thing caused by sleep deprivation medicines is hyperactivity. Of course those are not the only problems of using coffee as a solution for Sleep deprivation. Another thing, not caused by drugs this time, is that coffee will create a strong need to pee which by ignoring it will lead to a kidney explosion. Anyway people don't seem to mind of all these negatives so they continue using drugs as a therapy instead of sleeping like any normal person.

The positives and negatives regarding sleep deprivation[edit | edit source]

Possible sleep deprivation victim

Despite the discovery of the medicine, the problem of acute insomnia still exists. The scientists keep on researching for a better version of the medicine, one that you don't have to risk your whole life just because you didn't sleep when you should have. Unfortunately, the need for coffee isn't the only thing that can kill you [1]. Also, depending on your age, it will either stunt your growth, make you as distractible and impulsive as a dog who just saw a squirrel, give you a hair-trigger temper, make you look older, or delete some of your short-term memory. One of the symptoms of this disease that I forgot to mention is that sleep deprivation can also cause depression which will probably turn you into an emo or something and we all know how emos end up...

Anyway, sleep deprivation can be controlled if you put more effort into resolving the problem. And things aren't dramatically negative, if you suffer from sleep deprivation that doesn't mean you will die just yet. It will first make you sulky, sad and your life will have no meaning at all but this is the fate of any true Uncyclopedian. Yeah, you read that right. You can be a member of our society and that sounds like a lot of fun. Sleep deprivation can transform you into something new. That means that being affected by this illness can transform you into something funny, like a goth freak or Emo due to the dark circles under your eyes. Or it could transform you into a Senior citizen before you reach age 65, and make you seem eligible for senior discounts.

List of other conditions[edit | edit source]

A number of studies by the Welsh Tourist Board have linked the condition to Sheep Deprivation whose symptoms are hairiness all over your body in the shape of a sheep's fur. Sheep deprivation does not cause lack of attention disorder or depression like we saw above but instead it transfers your body slowly into a sheep. Sheep deprivation isn't so widespread as sleep deprivation but there are still some victims of this disease hidden in caves. It is believed that Bigfoot was infected by a subcategory of sheep deprivation, Bear Deprivation, but this is a story we are going to study some other time.

See Also[edit | edit source]

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. I made you worry because you think that you will die soon. Haha!