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Jew Claw

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It's tough to discern whether the symptoms shown here are indicative of an especially harsh case of Jew Claw, or decades of opium abuse. Both are likely possibilities.
A man stricken with Jew Claw, shown here just prior to tying an Aryan woman to a train track while mischievously laughing and stroking his beard, two other notable symptoms.

“I once thought I'd caught Jew Claw... turned out I was just having a stroke.”

~ Noel Coward on Jew Claws

Jewish Claw is a physical deformity found mainly amongst Jewish Landlords and Money Lenders, possibly as a result of excessive hand rubbing at the mere mention of the word shekel. Recent research has linked the condition to a reaction to the large amounts of zinc found in modern currency. The Jew Claw has also been linked to bankers in Germany and the disputed Palestinian lands. It also has been related to the Jews taking people's money. It is very hard to defend against the Jew claw (I would recommend that one use the Jew repellent to defend oneself). They have been also related to Rick James and the Arbiter. They suck your blood and then they teabag you.

Early symptoms of the illness include uncontrollable "shrugging" and incessant hand-wringing. In extreme cases the sufferer develops an intense love of top hats and black cloaks, though no one has been able to explain why.

Merchant of Venice Beach

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The major breakthrough in the treatment of the affliction came about through the scientific study of one man, the so called "Merchant of Venice Beach[1]". The man, who is sometimes referred to as "Shimmi" first came to national attention in 1975 when his case was featured in National Geographic.

A number of tests, performed over the following twenty years revealed a large amount of data, with Scientists confident that prolonged analysis could provide the cause of the illness, and hopefully, given time and large sponsorship donations, a cure. By June 1983 a huge breakthrough had been made, first linking the illness to the handling of coinage. Further research led to the conclusion that genetically Jews are intolerant of, and in most cases strongly allergic to, Human Milk, Acts of Kindness, and perhaps most shockingly (and ironically) money itself.

Some Scientists believe that the research has been a major factor in the fact that the condition has, in recent years, almost completely disappeared. Many feel that is due to another factor, namely inflation, and the introduction of banknotes to replace the high zinc content coinage. The disease is today restricted to a small minority of sufferers.

"Shimmi" now lives in Florida and has made a full recovery.


Jew Claw is seen by many as a particularly debilitating deformation of the hands, but the banking community discovered in Germany, during die Weimarer Republik, that their hands were suited for carrying gold bars from vault to vault. This would prove invaluable to das dritte Reich bankers pressed for suitable workers capable of such tasks. Moving gold, however, wasn't their only use. Large sums of cash and coinage during WWII and subsequent years required the manual and rapid movement of money by means of Jew Claw.

Nowhere in history had the Jew Claw been so useful. Money was being rapidly transferred, efficiently and safely by banking assistants with Jew Claw. Later these same assistants would be promoted to Bank Tellers and middle management loan officers. The curve of the claw would be apt to give money away, but always with the rapid ability to flick the wrist and return money as quickly as it was taken, plus interest.

Americans with Disabilities Act

For those unfortunate Americans with Jew Claw, the Americans with Disabilities Act protects them against certain malformations of society. Those with Jew Claw shall not be discriminated against based solely on the a degree of curliness in their arthritic Jew claws. No matter how much money has passed though the fingers of someone with Jew Claw, job opportunities will not be denied. The most coveted jobs being those where one has to sort money according to size and worth, a rather dexterous task, quite suited to someone who can bend fingers in a such a sickening fashion. Typists, a long dreaded employment opportunity, not normally sought after, has been slowly seeing an increase in popularity because of the flexibility associated with Jew Claw.

Anti Defamation League

Abraham Foxman demonstrating his abilities with Jew Claw, in spite of being addicted to those precious shekels.

In 1989 whilst celebrating the 50th Anniversary of the start of World War II, a small group of influential Jewish Politicians and Business Men staged a protest in Vienna. Led by Abraham Foxman, the group named themselves Bara Brith after their fondness for the Welsh Soda Bread of that name, though most people know them by the name of the Anti Defamation League. Their stated aim is "to stop, by appeals to reason and conscience and, if necessary, by appeals to law, and if that doesn't work we'll send in Mossad Agents and you'll get yours like those bastards in Munich, the defamation of the people suffering from Jew Claw."

Despite a lasting cure existing since the mid 1990s many individuals remained fiercely proud of their disfigurement, and have refused treatment. Indeed many have used the illness to their own benefit, where it has become a specialist weapon within Krav Maga[2], known as the "Claw of Death".


  1. In a hilarious reference to Shakespeare
  2. Also known as Kung Jew

See also

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