“Abnormality is anything which makes the rest of us look normal”
Abnormality: is A Behavioral Sciences term specifically related to the diagnosis and treatment of aberrant behavior through its relation to physical structures in the Brain. Its history as a science dates back to the early 1800's when German physician Franz Joseph Gall first proposed the theory of Phrenology. While the word abnormal is a contentious term that requires an arbitrary assessment of what constitutes being "normal", abnormality is a specific assessment based on undeniable facts. Everyone is fucked up, and it's the job of Behavioral Sciences to not only assess why an individual is a loony but to make that person aware of his or her abnormalities.
There are many common misconceptions about proper use of the term abnormality. The situation hasn't been helped by scientists in other fields of research who confuse the general public with continuous misuse of the term. Before we get to the serious research for scholars who wish to enrich themselves with an understanding of what abnormality is, we should first weed out the people who looked up the term abnormality to amuse themselves with cheap, freak show entertainment, or those who happen to be freaks themselves.
Deformity has absolutely nothing to do with abnormality. If you came here looking for pictures of deformed hands and babies I suggest you click your ass over to Google and do an image search for the term "deformed". This is not some kind of carnival side-show, this is Uncyclopedia.
Dysfunction is a term used in multiple fields of research, none of which happen to include abnormality. Dysfunction is a word that's popular with the "Self Help" crowd of whiny forty-somethings who figured out how fucked up they are only yesterday. If this happens to be you, here's some simple advice: Your parents are totally responsible for how screwed-up you are, so move on with what's left of your life. More importantly, get the hell off this page!
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN
Now that we have real scholars looking for hardcore scientific research about the mysteries of Human Psychological Abnormality, it's time to take a close look at the physical structures that compromise the Human Brain.
This is the area where maternal and paternal instincts reside. When a patient begins the breeding process, the Parental Lobe automatically swells to an enlarged state that lasts for roughly twenty years. Patients with an inflamed Parental Lobe normally have intense hatred towards displays of sexuality and will continuously say "what about our children" on daytime television talk shows.
Abnormality in the Parental Lobe: Causes a parent to act as if they didn't have children at all, perhaps treating a toddler like a Vegas showgirl.
The Occupational Lobe section of the brain is what controls conscious functioning when an employee goes to work. In order to control the negative stimulus generated by other sections of the brain in response to the Psychological vortex of employment, the Occupational Lobe takes control of most brain functions until the work stimulus is removed, protecting the overall psyche from damage.
Abnormality in the Occupational Lobe: Results in the complete loss of sanity within a mere few years for anyone employed by an average company.
Anger, alienation and violent emotions are all driven by the Temper Lobe, which is the easiest region in the Brain to stimulate. Agitating a patient can be accomplished with a myriad of internal and external stimuli. Internal Temper Lobe stimulants, such as the consumption of Alcohol, Amphetamines or Caffeine has been proven to magnify the irritating effects of external stimulants like insults and electric shocks, causing a patient to become violent with greater ease. English Soccer Hooligans who were allowed to consume several pints of Ale and subsequently forced to watch highlights of West Germany squeaking past England in 1990, exploded in such a violent rage that the experiment was never repeated again.
Abnormality in the Temper Lobe: is common amongst cult members, missionaries, Jehovah's Witnesses, submissive types and anyone else who refuses to be angry when properly provoked.
Full Frontal Lobe
The region of the brain associated with sexuality is located in the Full Frontal Lobe. All associations of the prurient interest are made starting in kindergarten and adolescence, then subsequently hardwired in the Full Frontal Lobe during adulthood. It's universally believed to be the most powerful part of the Brain, a theory which is continuously validated by the fact that most patients will not only fuck almost anything imaginable but will even spend money in that pursuit or in other silly arousal adventures.
Abnormality in the Full Frontal Lobe: is responsible for an aversion to sex with almost anything at all, even stuffed animals and ugly dolls. These poor souls will never experience the high state of arousal experienced by normal people when shown Brazilian scat porn, naked dancers or stomping videos and can usually be found riding tricycles sucking on lollipops and popsicles while looking for four leaf clovers and acorns.
The region of the Brain associated with being British is called Poms. Discovered by Australian Nobel Laureate Sir Bernard Katz while studying at the University of Leipzig, Katz received the Siegfried Garten Prize for physiological research in 1933 for isolating the Poms section of the Brain. Afterward, the term "Pommy Bastard" became a standard Australian and New Zealander term of endearment for inhabitants
of the British Isles which exists to this day. The Poms region of the Brain controls embarrassment, inhibition and shame.
Abnormality in the Poms Region: is inherent since having this physical structure is an abnormality in itself.
The region of the Brain associated with both processing and appreciating new experiences is called the Medjoola.
Abnormality in the Medjoola Region: can result in one of two extremes in behavior. Patients with low Medjoola activity tend to be xenophobic racists who exist in an idealized delusion of reality which is pervasive and inescapable. High activity is associated with patients who equate mandated diversification in the workplace with virtue, despite voluminous information to the contrary.
The region of the Brain associated with the tolerance of food that tastes disgusting is called the Celerybrum.
Abnormality in the Celerybrum:can also result in opposite extremes of behavior. Patients with low activity in the Celerybrum section of the brain find it difficult to eat anything but extremely bland food while high activity is associated with the people you see on Fear Factor eating Madagascan Hissing Cockroaches.
The region of the Brain associated with breakfast cereal consumption is called the Cerealbellum. The cereal industry spends billions of dollars every year on television advertising and research in an effort to covertly stimulate the Cerealbellums of the general public into preferring their product over that of the competition. Modern researchers have suggested that the Cerealbellum may actually be the gateway to consumerism but the Full Frontal Lobe is still considered the prime region associated with the shopping impulse.
Abnormality in the Cerealbellum: results in the intense dislike for breakfast cereals of any kind. People with this disorder are likely to become cereal killers if interventions and treatments aren't promptly administered.
Spinal Tap Cord
The region of the Brain associated with artistic expression is called the Spinal Tap Cord. The association between this structure and musical virtue originated in prehistoric times when the first Spinal Cord instruments were constructed and played by Neolithic Age musicians. In the 17th century, potential musical prodigies were once tested, shortly after birth, for artistic merit by performing Spinal Tap surgery and examining the fluid for sugar content. Composers such as Bach, Handel, Haydn and Mozart were all tested as infants and determined to have good taste.
Abnormality in the Spinal Tap Cord: results in the appreciation of music which is considered obnoxious to people with healthy, undamaged cords. Unfortunately, a solid majority of people are born with a damaged Spinal Tap Cord, resulting in the proliferation of top 100 Pop Music radio stations.
Brainstem And Brainseed
Abnormality of the Stem and Seed is essentially impossible as any physical deformity of these structures would result in immediate death. However, the abnormalities of other sections of the brain are expressed through the Brainstem and Brainseed.
Stem: The region of the Brain associated with experiencing consciousness is located at the Brainstem. The Brainstem consists of a nerve network that serves to interconnect all regions of the brain together as well as connecting the Brain to the central nervous system and the rest of the body. The Brainseed is a central location on the Brainstem where all thought and consciousness is experienced. It's considered the seat of abstract thought and humor as well as agony and despair.
Seed: The task of managing all of the complex and divergent impulses originating from other Brain regions is the sole job of the Brainseed. One of the reasons that committing suicide by firing a gun inside the mouth is so popular is because it's perfect for hitting and destroying the Brainseed, thereby ending the agony of reality as quickly as possible.
AM I NORMAL?
Let's Take A Test
The sole purpose of Behavioral Sciences is to make a patient aware of just how screwed up they really are through education and identification of behavioral Abnormality. Don't be a big wuss and answer these five true or false questions honestly:
- 1) I like to watch pornographic movies with small children (T/F)
- 2) I love the smell of Kidney Pie (T/F)
- 3) I love my job (T/F)
- 4) I am happy and contented at all times (T/F)
- 5) I like it when someone tells me to go fuck myself (T/F)
Adding Up Your Score
Let's go over the questions individually and generate a score based on your answers.
If You answered True: You're probably a Pedophile and you're vile and disgusting. +3 points
If You answered False: You're puritanical, inhibited and filled with shame. +2 points
If You answered True: Don't worry, it's all part of growing up and being British +2 points
If You answered False: You're a xenophobic racist living in an idealized fantasy world +3 points
If You answered True: You're full of shit +5 points
If You answered False: Your Occupational Lobe needs therapy +2 points
If You answered False: You're the death of any party and should never leave your home +2 points
If You answered True: You have an association with humiliation and sexual gratification that is perverse +3 points
If You answered False: You're a raging hothead who can't even take a little joke +2 points
Well, How Did You Do?
Less than 10 points: Congratulations, you're somewhat normal but we'll be watching you
10-15 Points: You have simmering issues that make you difficult to love. Continue to the next section to begin the healing process.
Over 15 Points: Not only are you as fucked up as the losers who scored between 10-15 points but you're in total denial of that fact, which means your Brain has numerous abnormalities.
WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?
Ages 20 and under: Congratulations, you've made great strides in becoming aware of your abnormalities at an early age. Simply use the chart of Brain regions we've provided and stimulate the proper areas with a wooden mallet until you either feel normal or can pass the test.
Ages 20-30 Well, the prime years of youthful wonder are slipping through your fingers and you've only now discovered the extent of abnormality that exists in your frail psyche. Since multiple abnormalities are by now permanent, you're going to need the intense and personally rewarding experience of Behavioral Science therapy. Contact a modern Phrenologist immediately.
Ages 30 and above: Well, your life is practically over now and the newly found awareness of just how much abnormality is now a permanent member of your personality is finally sinking in. There's two choices for you to mull over here, either continuing with your blissful, yet unlovable, brand of ignorance and denial or becoming a whiny old "Self Help" junkie who should get the fuck off this page and research the term "dysfunctional" because we can't help you here.
- Benjamin Rattick "Phrenology For The 21st Century" Phrenology, November 18th, 2008