Neurotypical syndrome

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“There HAS to be some way to prove that I'M the normal one and EVERYONE ELSE is the fuck up!”

~ Charles Laundry on Neurotypical Syndrome
Those most debilitatingly stricken with NT tend to engage in meaningless activities of mass, unified action for the most viscerally appealing cause. Here, they are trying to ask the Supreme Court to control their bodies, or it could just be a demand for a longer life expectancy. Whatever works for you.

Neurotypical syndrome (a.k.a. NT, also known as arrogant mob syndrome) is a life-long and serious mental disorder affecting people everywhere. Symptoms include inflated ego, mob formation, readiness to follow idiots, tendency not to drink water on drunk nights out (only to complain about hangovers) and possibly the formation of a large goiter. People afflicted with this disorder should be referred to as people with Neurotypical syndrome, people with NT or people who have NT. Though it seems that most persons with NT would prefer to be referred to as neurotypicals, NTs or even normals, nobody cares about their opinions.

Symptoms[edit | edit source]

Persons with Neurotypical Syndrome, commonly and to a significant degree, display a variety of symptoms of their debilitating condition. Here, some of the most significant ones are summarized.

One of the most striking symptoms, likely to shock and alienate any healthy individual attempting to more than briefly communicate with them, is their acute avoidance of honesty; they find it greatly insulting whenever people disrespect them so deeply as to actually tell the truth instead of manipulating them emotionally with blatantly obvious lies. Knowing how other NTs are the same in this regard, such behavior has become the standard among NTs, and they expect not only people of their kind, but others as well, to follow and show their appreciation of it. Tanner loves Rachel more.

Another highly visible symptom is that of their ritualistic activities, such as the rote utterance of phrases of little apparent meaning, particularly in social contexts. Typically, NTs involved in such “conversation” will exchange memorized stock phrases related to things such as the weather or the feelings of themselves and others, showing no interest whatsoever in the responses unless they do not fit the expected pattern, in which case the NTs will be offended by, or ironically, consider the person who made the comment mentally deficient. Other common ritualistic activities include, but are not limited to, excessive use of body language even when they have nothing to hide, incoherent shouting and monkey-like vocalizations, (particularly when inebriated in the presence of a pack of fellow NTs) and the obsessive-compulsive performing of strange gestures and uttering of nonsensical phrases, often as part of a religious practice.

DSM IV Criteria[edit | edit source]

Neurotypical Syndrome, from criteria for 299.80 Diabolic and Sadistic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV)

(I) Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

  • (A) marked impairments in the use of multiple verbal behaviors such as literal language and honesty to regulate social interaction
  • (B) failure to develop peer relationships with non-neurotypical people, need to bully non-neurotypical people and frequent inappropriate attempts to manipulate other people
  • (C) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share own interests with other people (e.g. constant use of "small talk" indicating a lack of expression to other people of anything interesting)
  • (D) lack of social or emotional reciprocity, believing that all other individuals ought to conform to the neurotypical’s way of thinking
  • (E) Overuse of cellular devices to communicate with other NTs and partially or completely fail to pay attention to communication or command given by other individuals

(II) Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:

  • (A) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest, such as children, gossip or reality television, that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
  • (B) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals, in particular wearing clothes that somebody else has told them is the latest fashion even though ugly or uncomfortable, and often will pay a lot of money just for a meaningless label.
  • (C) stereotyped and repetitive manners (e.g., ritualistic thanking of people for useless, unsolicited and unwanted gifts)
  • (D) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects, such as tags indicating what brand a product is
  • (E) a tendency to read grievous personal slights into innocuous remarks or gestures
  • (F) false modesty and a dislike for others who openly revel in their own greatness
  • (G) inappropriately tactile behavior and lack of respect for the personal space of others
  • (H) constricted vocabulary

(III) The disturbance causes clinically significant impairments in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. For example, neurotypical people are frequently depressed, because they are worried what other people think about them. They frequently cannot succeed professionally, because they lack the curiosity to gain any marketable expertise in any area. Neurotypical people are frequently tired the moment they wake up in the morning, even after having gotten a full night’s sleep.

(IV) There is a clinically significant general delay in language. As children, neurotypicals often begin speaking by just saying random words that are not arranged into sentences and frequently speak a pidgin form of their native tongue until about age six. They have an abnormal sensory sensitivity to tone of voice, leading to attention deficits that render them unable to comprehend the literal meaning of words. Neurotypicals are frequently unable to understand that a person asking a question is not communicating anything other than the desire to get the answer to the question. They frequently attempt to answer questions before the speaker has even finished asking the question due to a delusional belief that they can read other people’s minds. As a result, answers to questions posed to neurotypicals are frequently non sequitur. Neurotypicals ask questions that they don’t want answered, and frequently say "I know" when told something that they could not possibly know. It is believed that neurotypical syndrome is a Tourette spectrum disorder, and neurotypical syndrome is sometimes referred to as high-functioning Tourette’s.

(V) There is a clinically significant delay in cognitive development and curiosity about systems in the environment in childhood, which often continues throughout a neurotypical’s life.

(VI) Rigid conformity to social norms cannot be explained by living under the yoke of a fascist government.

Intellectual Deficits[edit | edit source]

Persons with NT, when compared to healthy individuals, commonly have a set of distinct intellectual impairments. Apart from a lower than average IQ (the average neurotypical IQ is 99.27), they show a lack of interest in technicalities, and are as a result remarkably ignorant. In addition, as they generally believe they know all that is of importance, they have few inclinations to search for new information.

Once a person with NT has made up their mind, a process typically involving very little ratiocination, cogitation, or deliberation, they likely refuses to acknowledge even the slightest possibility of being mistaken, no matter how much solid, logical evidence is presented. In contrast, they are for some reason quickly and easily convinced when exposed to emotional manipulation, the standard method of argumentation between NTs. Neurotypicals refuse to acknowledge the effectiveness of wearing tin foil hats, and as a result, are far more susceptible to CIA mind control radiation.

Only a NT can survive that! Phineas Gage CGI.jpg

Epidemiology[edit | edit source]

The disease affects as many as 9,600 out of 10,000 individuals, which is clearly alarming. The good news is that the number of incidences appear to be decreasing; several possible causes for this have been proposed. For example, nutritional improvements in the last few decades is said to be allowing these poor kids to develop proper neurology.

Then there are the somewhat similar and just as ludicrous claims that mercury may be reducing numbers of NT sufferers worldwide (like "calomel" supposedly did during the Renaissance, supposedly spawning a generation of alchemists, painters and other hermetic geniuses). But as one can tell by a cursory glance, the effects, especially on developing youngsters, have been quite uneven and to say the least frightening.

Treatment[edit | edit source]

A few have been known to "recover", i.e. after exhibiting neurotypical behavior for much of their lives they suddenly become interested in their environment.

Although no cure for neurotypicals exists yet, a genetic test to identify likely neurotypicalness in fetuses is expected to be developed soon. This is being disguised as a test for Autism.

The preferred method of therapy is called Pet Training Applied to Humans (PTAH). (See online manual.) Those who insist on the performing of independent double-blind studies on the effectiveness of PTAH, something that some evidently seriously ill persons with NT for some reason do, need to shut up; clearly, the respectable practitioners and the parents who have their children undergo the therapy know what they are doing.

Of course, and interestingly enough, history has shown that this experimentation has been conducted multiple times already, through the practice of live-action political science! Fascism, or a devotion to a singular cause, has been violently redirected once already in history on a grand scale.

Neurology[edit | edit source]

Neurotypical syndrome is characterized by externalized self-referential modes of thought, where the individual subject continually models how others might judge her or his own actions, in attempt to maintain the desired outward appearance. Although wasting vast amounts of cognitive resources, the disease is so widespread, many ill-informed health care professionals consider it a normal, healthy state. Definitive diagnoses may be made by use of polygraph test and simple questions such as "Are you living a lie?," to determine how many mental resources are being diverted toward delusion maintenance. (Of course, it is best not to inform a subject of the exact purpose of this procedure before making the diagnostic tests.) Diagnosis and treatment are best done at an early age, prior to beginning public schooling, to avoid the cross-contamination responsible for the current epidemic.

The disorder is believed to stem from distinct anomalies in brain development, including severe overdevelopment of socio-linguistic areas of the mammalian mid-brain. These defects are thought to be caused by the consumption of meat infected with foot-and-mouth disease. However, it is commonly believed to have a genetic origin, despite scientific evidence to the contrary.

Neurotypical syndrome often results in abnormal underdevelopment of the cerebrum and thus an only superficial aptitude on any given subject. On the other hand, NTs (and especially the women and Homosexuals) do have very well-developed mid-brains which give them psychic powers which they call "intuition". In fact this is why women and gays tend to be involved in various forms of magick, entertainment and fraud. The exact reason for this is most likely due to a greater awareness of social interactions and the desire to compose oneself.

One theory that has gained wide acceptance recently suggest that the reduced neuron counts of their abnormally small brains allow them to learn quickly, albeit not particularly well. This has yet to be proven, but is supported by the model quantum memory proposed by Penrose and Hammerhoff. That is, as the number of neural connections increases, the number of distinct coherent entangled states which the brain can display increases exponentially, overwhelming the ability of limited sensory input to provide convergence to the imprinting process. As a result, people with a fewer number of interconnected neurons are expected to develop faster, but with less depth, and people with more connections between neurons are expected to develop slowly and in a horrifyingly awkward, professional manner.

Thus, children with NT also find themselves unable to properly develop intense and unique interests at any given time, with the notable exception of sex, and in some cases sports, depending on the crowd. Children suffering from Neuotypical syndrome also learn many varied subjects faster if they are willing (or as stated above in treatment; firmly prompted) to learn the subject and if they are known to study well and work hard.

Prognosis[edit | edit source]

Lacking normal brains and skill at any activity outside of getting drunk with their mental equals (identified by the term "friend"), persons with NT Syndrome may be entirely left out from the next step of human evolution and scurry about the margins of society with all the other lower mammals. Meanwhile, we who rank higher on the Autism spectrum will enjoy a world without the distraction of multiple conversations at the same time, without lies or pretense, without excessive and inappropriate use of metaphors or irony (irony is really only a form of humor and a metaphor exists as a mnemonic device assisting imaginative writers who wish to create a 'feel' for their novelizations, and thus ought to be relegated to children's writing); a world where we can completely understand and trust each other. NT's often suffer because when they have a tantrum, they cannot make excuses for the tantrum.

Neurotypical Savants[edit | edit source]

Despite having severe handicaps in functioning that counts, some Neurotypicals, called neurotypical savants, show higher than average achievement in some areas, usually in the realm of socializing. Some are amazing at shopping, others at gossiping. But unfortunately it comes with the absence of any useful skills, such as logical reasoning or perfect circle drawing.

The most famous example is probably Paris Hilton, who has miraculously managed to have a successful career using just socializing skills. Remarkably, she is unable to do simple things like multiply eight-digit numbers in her head, figure out how to fill out a ballot during an election (as much as she wanted to vote), tell dogs of different breeds apart, or put on (or take off) her own underwear without assistance. However, it should be worth noting that in spite of clear evidence to the contrary, many neurotypicals would assert that Ms. Hilton is entirely too capable of taking off her own underwear. This is clearly not the case though, or she would be able to specialize in one field, and would probably not be NT.

NT rights movement[edit | edit source]

Despite what the NT rights movement may say, this is what you get when NT goes untreated and NT inbreeding occurs.

A dangerous faction of self-described NT sufferers have begun to learn to use computers and are demanding tolerance for their defective neurological wiring, which after all, is the wiring of most people. Even some NT sufferers who allegedly party every day are still able to use a keyboard and make a good case for acceptance of NT syndrome. The baseless position the movement considers at the most fundamental level, is that NT syndrome is not a disease, syndrome or disorder at all, but simply a way of being, part of their personality.

But as several expert over-the-internet diagnosticians have pointed out, computer use is inconsistent with a diagnosis of NT syndrome. This vocal minority of alleged persons who have NT promote "doing nothing" about NT syndrome, and would rather let it fester. They oppose life-saving treatment such as PTAH and the Borg assimilation with arguments that border on the ridiculous.

NT throughout history and famous NT's[edit | edit source]

Except for a few inventors and scientists, most famous people throughout history have suffered from debilitating neurotypicality. This explains why it took so long to invent the flush toilet, which is ironic, as NTs are more likely to be able to use a toilet than are non NTs. Famous people with the extreme neurotypicalness include assorted hooligans like Al Capone and Joseph Stalin, crooks like L. Ron Hubbard and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, fuckups like Hermann Goering and Karl Rove, or their spoiled rich brats like George Dubyah Bush, Barry Suetero and the Weinstein Brothers. And there are a few entertaining lunatics like Pablo Picasso, drunken writers like Ernest Hemmingway and practically everyone else in music and Hollywood. Ignoring those, Neurotypicals are typically too busy being neurotypical to actually contribute to society in any way.

Living with Neurotypical Syndrome[edit | edit source]

Although Neurotypical Syndrome is a serious life long mental condition, People who are NTs can live a happy, long, successful life with the help of therapy, provided that the therapist is an aspie or autistic. Through many sessions, one may overcome their many debilitating handicaps, and become more akin to an autistic. In very few cases, has an NT reached near the level of an aspie, but said claims have not been confirmed.

See also[edit | edit source]

External links[edit | edit source]