“GNO MORE GNOMES!!! ”
Gnome syndrome - not to be confused with anglophobia, or the fear of englishness - is described as an acute fear of gnomes. However, the APA (American Psychiatric Association) refuses to recognize this as a legitimate condition, despite the fact that nearly everyone I gnome suffers from this condition. While the results of the syndrome on your daily life are minimal, it can gnome with critical chemical gnome gnome gnome brain gnome gnome disrupt reading abilities gnome.
The disease hits in 6 stages:
- Gnomes- all you can see, hear, think, feel, be, say, and smell is... you guessed it: gnomes.
- Preliminary effects- See [signs and symptoms]. These can last for years, and are usually disregarded.
- Quadriplegia- All four of the victim's limbs are paralyzed and lack any feeling in this stage. This is usually when the victim's friends amuse themselves by drawing obscene pictures on the victim's arms and legs while he or she sleeps. Stage 1 typically lasts for 3-12 months.
- Temporary toadness- Infamously referred to as the "Lemming" of the disease's stages, victims who reach this point often kill themselves. Thinking they are a toad, they jump headfirst down a flight of stairs or some other dangerous and exotic place. This transformation stage, however, is usually brief, provided the victim endures it, as insanity sets in quite rapidly after being a toad for 3 weeks (you try it and see how it feels).
- Insanity- This phase was thought to be the "grand finale" of the disease until 1987, when an individual who was afflicted with this disease also suffered from lyssophobia, or the fear of dealing with insanity. Because of this, he overcame Stage 3, and the disease progressed to yet another gnome.
- Excessive blinking- This is the most serious, most painful, and deadliest of the stages of the disease. The individual in the afore mentioned case died only days after its onset, due to gnomes in his eyelids (which were too large to begin with). This obviously lead to encephalitis, and the man eventually died of exsanguination through his aural and ocular cavities. Simply put, his brain swelled and pressed against his skull, causing him to bleed to death through his eyes and ears. The case was eventually made into the popular comedy "How to Die Slowly and Painfully", staring Jim Carry who was actually killed on set for added realism.
Signs and symptoms
You might have gnome syndrome if you...
- obsessively use the word "gnome"
- break into dance
- believe that you have encountered a "gnome overlord"
- have ever made love to a gnome
- enjoy the soft sound of rain on your rooftop on a calm summer day
- or believe the GNOME RULEZ THE WORLD!!!!111 so on so forth.
If you or a friend suffers from any of these problems, do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, lest you be quarantined for scientific research. (it’s not that bad... YOU GET TOAST!!!)
If you have the syndrome, you will be taken from your family and friends, packaged and shipped via UPS (3rd class mail, postage paid) to remote testing facilities, anally probed, administered
experimental FDA ...tested... drugs, and sent gnome. Then the doctors will come to your house and the treatment will begin. The doctors, who underwent almost 15 minutes of rigorous training, will force feed you dangerously large bottles of pink cough medicine, which will do nothing to cure you. Don't worry about spontaneously losing your sight, penis, car keys, or mind. That barely ever happens anymore, WE THEY SWEAR.
The Aztecs believed that consuming 3 bearded dragon eggs a day would cure the disease if accompanied by small strips of tree bark soaked in cyanide. It proved to be a successful concept, as it did in fact relieve the victim of the affliction. Unfortunately, it did so through death.
Side Effects of Treatment
- no shit (constipation, then spontaneous uncontrolled diarrhea)
- accelerated asian
- acute pain
- obtuse triangles
- severe weather
- a safe drop in blood pressure (followed by death)
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is gnome syndrome hereditary?
A: There is no scientific evidence to suggest this. However, it is widely suspected that if you have the misfortune of being fathered and/or mothered by a gnome that you will inevitably suffer from this disease. The severity of the disease is thought to depend on your lineage and just how gnome you are.
Q: Is there a cure?
A: There is no known cure to date, but rest assured that scientists are working around the clock to keep the cure from being found.
Q: Is there free testing?
Q: What should I do if I discover that I have the disease whilst in its early stages?
A: Although not clinically proven to work, many recommend seeking the counsel of a rabbi and/or Asian wombat, both of which can be found deep in the Vietnamese jungle. Research is currently underway to test these forms of treatment.
Less Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Would you like a Gnome?
A: Gno! Gno more gnomes!
Q: Answer the question! Yes or Gnome???
G: Ok, calm down, I'm getting some gnomes.
N: (sobbing) GNOOO! GNO GNOMES, GNO GNOMES! (breaks into choreographed dance number)
O: I'll get the gnomes! Let go of my legs!
M: *huddled in the corner, slowly rocking back and forth with a vacant stare* ...gnomes...
E: If you are going to act this way I just won't get any gnomes.
S: *in delight* Gnomes!
- Tom Mcdougal's book, Lawn Gnomes, Now and Then (1942)
- Martha Claymoore's The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stout Pamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stoog Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beckles: Volume 8 (2007)
- The gnome hotline: 1-800-U-R-GNOME begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-800-U-R-GNOME end_of_the_skype_highlighting
Note: This article is the first part in a one part series about gnome syndrome. If you want future articles e-mailed to you, click here. Don't worry, we promise that we probably won't use your information for Spam.(except for male enhancement ads, which will bombard your inbox until you purchase them)