Attention deficit disorder

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“Yah, he was always the more calm one. It was always, "why can't you be quite and calm like ADD?" Well I'm nothing like him! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...! o hey, look at that!”


“IN SOVIET RUSSIA... hey butterfly look at me....”

ADD stands for, well, who cares. ADD is a disorder that sets the snob/rudeness level just over the line of extreme. You see, most people just barely tolerate your nonsense; you just blabber on about how your grandmother just crushed another cat by sitting on it, or how you won first place at an air guitar competition, or, uh; but if you have ADD, you will just simply say, "shut up you stupid aids-infested piece of monkey vomit," or uh, just ignore the blabber mouth. You see, we would listen to your wild sex story, but um, it's too bad you don't have one.

History[edit | edit source]

ADD was originally a made up fairy tale, along with the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. There was a kid who needed an excuse to explain why he wasn't paying attention in math class.[1] So he sat there and stared at the wall. The teacher then pulled out the whip (this is an old story), he finally looked at her, and since he was so caught up in the moment of not focusing and excuse making, he said "That's a nice whip you got there, what do you use it for?" Anyways, may that boy rest in peace, but the other students soon understood what he was trying to do. Soon enough they had a name for this fake disorder, AIDS. But then they realized that it was already taken, so they added an extra D and minused the S and the I (since it was math class). So every day after that all the students would pretend like they weren't paying attention in math class, although they may have been actually not (paying attention). When the teacher came up with the whip to ask why they couldn't, they would say "It's because I have ADD," thus making them get out of trouble(s).

This is what your brain looks like on ADD

But it didn't end there, eventually those kids grew up and had babies. They grew. Now these kids got so used to using ADD as an excuse that eventually it actually became a habit, which lead to a reduced function in the brain, and somehow eventually got into their DNA. When those babies' babies were born they grew it into an infectious disease. During childhood these kids would subconsciously spread the disease by biting people, (it's a habit that fades off eventually, but is extremely common when new teeth begin to grow). During the teen years they also subconsciously spread it through saliva when kissing the opposite (or in your case the same) gender. ADD tends to commonly fade away after 23, but in some cases it comes back during their midlife crisis.

When the virus enters a victim, it proceeds into the bloodstream and heads straight for the brain, from there it proceeds to infect the brain and actually change it in some way(s). Eventually, nearly 74% of the earths population was contaminated by ADD, but yet anyone that had it did not know they did. That was until the day that a scientist named Ozzy Osbourne... or something like that, was studying a the rather strange behavior of his partner. He nearly had a conclusion, until his working partner went mad and actually bit him. The ADD spread quickly amongst the mind of the scientist, because his heart was pounding rapidly from the attack. He then said, "That's it! That proves it, what you just did proves... proves... oh what was it again?... o hey look at my reflection on the test tube, it looks funny!" It actually took a few days after that for Ozzy to remember what he was proving, and him receiving the virus at such a rapid rate proved his research.

So the word spread on Ozzy's discovery, and everyone now knew why they were acting so strange. Eventually, ADD became a daily used excuse:

Whenever someone messed something up: ADD. When someone took there top off at a party: ADD. When someone killed again another: ADD. When someone died... well that was because of the liver failure, (from the drinking caused by the ADD).

But ADD was the ticket to get out of that argument, or boring conversation, or uh, the end of a sentence. It became so overused that it was soon illegal to have ADD. Ironically that year (it became illegal) there was a dramatic increase in crime rate. But in 2001, the law was removed due to George Dubya Bush being elected while accordingly having the disorder, and having many other illnesses as well.

“Umm, No! ADD is a real disorder and it was never illegal!”

~ Super smart Scientist on This article.

“Pshhhh... you're wrong; what do you know!”

~ Captain Oblivious on The above quote.

What to do if you get Affected[edit | edit source]

There are a few steps you must take to purify yourself if you get contaminated by ADD. If these steps are not taken you will be cut, hung, lit while you're still hung, and then we will piss on the ashes.

Step 1. You must go to a church and proceed to smash your face against a wall, like the Jews sometimes do.[2]

Step 2. Next you must run for president, although you will not make it due to the face that you smashed your face in, it's funny to see you fail. Actually this is how Bush was elected.

Step 3. We will provide you with a virgin and you must proceed to make love to her while she is tied up to a bed... nah, I'm just kidding, you should have seen your face! perv.

Step 3.14. Go to the shopping mall and enter through the back door. Head up to the shoe store, and ask a man to get you your ballet shoes, after he gives you the code (he licks your ear) he will hand you a key, hold on to this you will need it for later. Walk over to the Mcdonald's, ask the man at the register for a Big Mac with cheese[3], with medium fries and a diet Pepsi. Pay the man, just not with a 100 since they don't except those. Bring the man in the black tux at the end of the food court the meal. Thank you, I was starving... dude, ugh those freaking retards, I said no pickles! Well you did say no pickles, wait you did right? Whatever. Anyways here's a letter, take it to the man named Habubu in the Cowboy Outfit shop, and say that you want your tuna sandvich, then give him the key. He may wink at you, don't worry this is not part of the mission, (and no he's not gay, he just has ticks). He will hand you a box, he will open it and in it will be another box. Hand him the envelope, he will open it and read out "open this box with this key", he will then hand you the key that was with the letter. Take the box outside and open it... *techno music starts to play*... haha! You just got rickroll'd!

Step 4. Well there is no step four. The rick roll scares 10% of the ADD out of you, the rest of the steps were just for you to not be able to socialize again. Congratulations! Your life is now ruined, why don't you go do yourself a favor and play football near a canyon.

Dealing with it[edit | edit source]

If you are a person who doesn't have ADD (tortured), dealing with people that have it can be a living hell-hole[4]. On the contrary however, if you have ADD (torturer) you can learn to love screwing with people that don't, and have one hell of a time doing it.

Tortured[edit | edit source]

Well, congratulations, you have not been infected by the plague known as ADD. But this can actually be a curse rather than a blessing. Now you must withstand the torturous pains of the annoying and curious. There are a few techniques to come back at them when they ignore you. Here are some of the best ones:

  • Begin to talk about their mother: This one is great because it grabs their attention pretty quickly and keeps them focusing for a while. The most important thing to keep in mind with this trick is that you have to include sexual-related words frequently, even if you randomly just through them in. For example: "So yesterday your mother and I were talking, penis and then she asked if my vagina was working because her's tits was acting up".
  • Pull a trick on em: Say something childish yet hilarious. Since they are paying no attention at all, start saying things like:
  • Silent people have small penises.
  • If you're gay don't say anything!
  • Pretend you're ignoring me if you're retarded.

By doing this you will humor yourself, and watch as the clueless friend sits there wondering why the hell you're laughing!

  • Shank them: (This one is my favorite one.) They are being rude and annoying just grab something pointy and shank away! It works even better if it pierces through their skin!
  • Show em' your Boobs: This only works well if you're a female or fat dude. (It depends on the guy (or girl) you're showing your boobs/man boobs to.
  • Assassination: Well, it won't actually catch his/her attention, but hey! I bet he'll/she'll learn his/her lesson!

With these techniques you're bound to knock the ADD right out of em'! Although, most end up hating you... or in a hospital. But hell, you won!

Torturer[edit | edit source]

Well if you are one of the many that have been intoxicated with ADD, life isn't over! You have the gift of the annoying. Sometimes this can actually be used to get your way, but mostly it's just to screw with other people. Here's how:

  • Ignore them: This is the most obvious, and actually the most bland, of them all. You can piss the hell out of the people you want to by simply ignoring what their saying. A common thing to do is reply "ya," to everything they say. But the key is to not actually ignore them. Instead just play along, and when hey pull a "are you ghey," you respond a "no" to their surprise, then continue to reply "no" to everything. A wise thing to keep in mind is to commonly roll your eyes and look as if your looking at something else, (although you're not); it's not that confusing.
  • You got something on your shirt: A good ol' prank to pull onto someone that will just tick them of is the classic "whats that on your shirt?" followed by a pointless, yet hilarious flick on their nose. This just tends to make people laugh the first time, give you the evil eye the second, and never seems to work on the third. So instead take your time, and after the first one space out your trick. Maybe do a different one in the meantime. By the time you get to the twenty-third trick their face will be red! Then Falcon Punch them.
  • Copycat: This one is probably the most annoying of all. Copy every word they say. Every-word, they, say. And when they try to pull an, "I'm a retard," line just reply, "yes you are!" Now if you're with a real smart one they may go: "I, (insert name here) am a copy an utter idiot", so what you got to do is say that annoying and pointless line: "I know you are, but what am I?"
  • Sneak Attack: In this one you'll need a fellow one of your people. What you do is distract the victim by having a conversion with them, or simply ignoring them. While this is going on have your partner walk up behind the guy and stab him scare him... (stabbing is illegal... but gets better accolades in the sneak attack community).

Keep in mind these things should never be done on that friend of yours with the criminal record, tattoo and anger problems. These should also not be preformed on that hot chick that really was into you. Doing it on either of these two will end up in a loss of you manly-hood; one hypothetically, one literally. (Go ahead, take a guess on which one rips your balls off.)

Known sufferers[edit | edit source]

See Also[edit | edit source]

Not-so-interesting interesting facts[edit | edit source]

  1. I mean what normal human being can! Right?
  2. Hey I'm Jewish, I just said that 'cause... well it's sort of true.
  3. Hold the pickles
  4. Haha, 'cause you see your parents are hell, and your mother has a, um... eh, you get the point.