~ The Bible; Book of Eve, verse 3, paragraph 69 on sexism
Tits (also known colloquially as breasts, breasticles (a synonym of testicles), Olé, Olé Olé Olé, good juicy things, boobs, bhreus, boobage, bristols, jugs, hooters, knockers, melons, cantaloupes, coconuts, boulders, jug buddies, puppies, 'ta-tas, 'bodacious ta-tas', 'breastses', pairs, hand warmers, bosoms, yahoos, woohoos, milk supplies, jugs, zeroes, titties, f'doomps, Dolly Partons, grapefruits, hummers, woofers, tweeters, twins, norks, headlights, fun cushions, love muffins, armpit midgets, donuts, chesticles, chest pillows, nunga-nunga, droppers, chubbies, chi-chi, blouse bunnies, sweater puppets, sweater puppies, sweater meat, champagne glasses, beer goggles, berthas, big berthas, big McDuffs, bee bites, bubbies, droppers, fun bags, globes, racks, booblies, torpedoes, pumpkin bottoms, areolae, balloons, Twin Cities, bazookas, bazungas, bowling balls, -wink, wink- ers, gwabbas, hangers, cheery coat racks, love apples, flight decks, fuck udders, puppies, rib cushions, shoulder boulders, chebs, chest flesh, ditties, fleshy bagpipes, nards, nugs, willets, money makers, kettledrums, globes, blubber bags, dumplings, diddies, ta-tas, yabos, breast friends, big babylons, happy sacks, jacket potatoes, empty saddlebags, Granny Smiths, chubbie checkers, dirty pillows, love balloons, dick squeezers, big hands and top bollocks and God's gift to men) are a type of invertebrate symbiote of the class Mammaria.
Tits form a symbiotic relationship with human females early in their lives, attaching themselves permanently to the woman's upper torso. The tits leech nutrients from the woman's body and, in return as they grow, the woman gets free drinks in bars and pubs. Symbiont tits are often used by the host female in their mating rituals; delta waves generated by the tits' Nipptastic Gland are known to have a mildly hypnotic effect on human males. In addition, women often use the milk by-product produced by the tits to feed their nurturing offspring.
Tits are always born in sets of two; the pair being known as a rack (British English: shelf) can be used for beer pong. The rack will bond to a host female, and this pairing will generally continue for the rest of the tits' lives, and will bounce and once at the age of 40, they will get lower and saggier (unless fed on silicone). The physical characteristics of the tits are decided by a random dice roll, but can be altered or improved with science and / or protective and magical armour.
Tits will often venture out into the open in the very early stages of life, as their larval form makes them unrecognisable to predators (most commonly Hetero Sapiens). Following a brief period of freedom, however, tits will tend to remain sheltered for most of the rest of their lives, and will generally only be enticed out from their hiding by warm weather, college rush week, or after absorbing alcohol via their host.
Maturity and death
Most tits are happy and playful during the first third of their lifetime. They eagerly point forward toward tall, athletic males in the host female's vicinity. Even when well-covered, they may often visibly yearn to burst forth from their harness. But the happiness of most tits is temporary. Hosts often take on a second symbiont, known as an "infant", immediately reducing the tits to a role of abject servitude towards the new parasite, sacrificing their own vital fluids. The gravity of the situation is paramount, for it is the beginning of the end for tits.
Even sharing the workload, a brace (pair) of tits does not long endure the abuse it suffers from the infant. The tits become depressed and lose their vigour and elasticity (bounce). Bound to their slavery, they no longer greet men pert, but sag downward, meekly awaiting the next tiny, suckling tormentor. They become wrinkled and infirm. Sometimes, their innards may turn to a runny liquid, similar in texture to melted margarine. Many will become covered with hair, moles, rashes, and other spots of various colours. Poorly supported tits usually become suicidal by the time they reach age 20, and they attempt to crawl back into the womb. This causes them to slowly migrate toward the vagina, unless the host regularly keeps them imprisoned in their harness.
Tits technically die only when the host dies, but almost all tits are better off dead by the time they are 35.
Tits are almost always female, although a small proportion (global average: approximately 5%, United States of America: 45%) of tits are male. Male tits are not desirable, nor considered as visually stimulating as female tits (unless someone turns out all the lights). Male tits are usually frowned upon by society, mainly because they are hairy, and smell like stale cheese. Men who have these appendages are often thought to use mimicry to attract attention and advertisement for their copious consumption of alcohol and cheeseburgers. Hence "beer boobs", which is why women serving in bars always usually have the largest pair on display in any foolhardy inter-gender contest.
Within a particular rack, shelf, or brace, neither tit serves as a designated leader or alpha, although when sighted in the wild, variables such as momentum, sway, protective or decorative coverings, and the angle of the sunlight in which the rack is cast may result in one or other of the tits being regarded as a superior specimen. Any changes the tits go through during their life, whether natural, or introduced by the host female, generally occur to both tits simultaneously.
Tits, as found naturally in the wild, occur in many different colours, shapes, sizes and mass. They are almost always found in pairs; unless some form of illness has intervened, a tit is very rarely seen without its life partner. Tits are known to position themselves prominently on their hosts, usually blending in and complementing the host's natural body shape, size, and curvature. The aureole acts as a form of camouflage, and differs widely between tits in terms of colour, size and shape. The nipple acts as a natural transmitter (antenna) for the tit's delta wave generation. Again, nipple size and shape varies from specimen to specimen, although their delta wave is standardised (as certified by the International Standards Organisation ISO 8008s), and is recognised universally.
Delta wave generation
Individual tits naturally produce delta wave emissions, generated from deep within their Nipptastic Gland, but focussed beneath the nipple. The nipple acts as a form of natural transmitter, specifically an antenna for these waves; though total harmonic purity is achieved when tits can transmit as a pair. This is long known to have a deep hypnotic effect on human males (and also some females), along with other higher mammals. Transmission power the delta waves is greatly boosted in strength when the nipple is erect, resulting in a greater hypnotic effect, due to the more accurately focused transmission beam. The strength of the waves is also affected by the size of the tit, and critically, how much protective material separates the tit from its audience. It has been noted that the presence of multiple tits (from a multitude of hosts), also known as a "boob fest", has a greatly enhanced cumulative effect, to the point of overloading the delta spectrum; this often resulting in an effectively vegetative state in nearby males, many are seen drooling, talking shit, or even rendered speechless. One alarming effect of an overloaded delta wave in some vulnerable men is asphyxia (men quite literally stop breathing). For immature subjects (boys at onset of puberty), any young males in vicinity of delta waves will frequently but uncontrollably discharge without any other reason; this is characterised by the distinguishable wet patch in the front of his trousers, just above the groin.
Titnotism, and other medical treatments
There has been some research into the possible use of tits in hypnosis, and other forms of mind-altering therapies. Research is ongoing, but more donors are required for the appropriate clinical trials. Future donors are urged to call 0800-BOOBS4FREE to register their interest.
It has also long been strongly suggested that direct stimulation from tits, preferably from more than one tit owner, anywhere on the body of a man suffering with clinical depression, has a positive effect on reducing low mood. Anecdotal evidence proves a positive gain in previously depressed men of 9.35791578389345303 points on the clinical depression score (out of 10), as published by the British Association of Psycotherapy's (BAPs) scientific publications department. However, the American Reference Society on Ethics (ARSE) failed to accept BAPs findings; ARSE noticed that the studies all highlight that the vast majority of the males in all of the studies were of Caucasian males. BAPs retorted the ARSE critique; quite rightly stating that black men do not suffer from depression, due to being hung like a donkey!
Tits as a food source
Tits are considered a tasty snack in many nations. Though some individuals find the idea of snacking on tits disgusting, the popularity of tits has increased significantly in recent years. According to the American Tit Fanciers' Society (colloquially known as Playboy), the majority of people who try them rate tits as either tasty or very tasty.
The preparation of tits for consumption is quite simple, and indeed, the majority of people prefer to lick them raw (though this is considered a delicacy in some countries, but strictly verboten in other countries). The most common preparations involve hefting the tits to assess for weight, then jiggling them to test and savour the texture and consistency, before burying ones face in them and, according to professional chef, Gordon Ramsay, "going to town". Tits should never be smashed or otherwise handled roughly; careless actions like that will almost certainly ruin an otherwise perfectly nutritious meal.
Another longstanding recipe, updated for the 21st century by Nigella Lawson, emphasises that tits are often tenderised using a process known as motor-boating, in which the chef places their mouth between two tits, and then shakes their head rapidly in a side-to-side motion, whilst simultaneously reciting the lyrics of the Coldplay song yellow. Nigella updated the song from the previous long-established tune Raindrops keep falling on my head by French crooner Sasha Distel, because the connection to a golden shower was too close, and off-putting for human consumption. From her own personal research, Nigella (cited as a world authority on tits, due to her own buxom bust) had earlier considered One night in Heaven by M People, but she was forced to dismiss the Heather Small-led song because it created "too much droolage". Another song touted by Lawson was the Christine Aguilera hit Come On Over Baby (all I want is you), but Nigella was concerned that the focus of the song would be misunderstood!
Tits are also often eaten with toppings. Tits can be topped with almost any food imaginable, though sweet condiments such as whipped cream or runny chocolate drizzle are usually preferred. Vegetarian and non-dairy options are also popular, such as mayonnaise and ketchup, and for those with a hot and spicy palate, fiery chilli sauce is stimulating for both! Tits are best eaten fresh; time is not kind to tits, for over time they will lose their soft and supple nature, becoming less appetising. It is often difficult to appraise the freshness of tits at a first glance, as they are typically well covered, in order to protect them from the elements, and predators; to preserve their freshness and maintain their appeal. The traditional methodology used for assessing the freshness of tits is multi-faceted, and includes questioning the host female as to their origin, age, and enhancements (natural and otherwise); a physical assessment, which includes surface texture, feeling for lumps, blemishes, pimples and dimples, along with the now obligatory squeeze test (assessing plumpness, fullness, elasticity – all of which can affect their acoustic properties). One final test (which is crucial, but frequently very difficult to assess) is that of smell: a fresh odour is critical to avoid dining on tits that have passed their "use by" expiry date. Rogue suppliers of tits destined for human consumption which have gone rotten are frequently known to mask their putrid smells by copious and liberal applications of perfumes; whilst the alcohol acts as both a preservative for the actual fragrance, and can also disinfect bad bugs on the surface on manky tits, perfumes can not eradicate the rotting flesh of tits that are frankly only fit for the garbage dumpster!
Aside from their common use in feeding the young of human females, symbiont tits can also be used for sustenance by other adult humans via a technique known as the "titty-pop", supposedly a traditional precursor of the modern lollipop.
In summary, tits are classified by the United Nations as a "vital ingredient" in their Rules for Dieticians from their World Food Programme. The Bristols office of the Food Standards Agency (FSA) of the United Kingdom classifies tits as one of your five-a-day, though the FSA states that both tits need to be consumed as one of your five. The Humane Society of America (HSA) published a series of alarming reports regarding the dwindling consumption of tits, particularly by obese males and females; the crux of their research shows a causable link of increasing obesity directly as a result in titular consumption. Clearly, the global and international organisations are all singing from the same "Titty" songbook, so on your next visit to a fast food drive-thru, be sure to take the health option – McBoobies, and salad with mayo.
Use in warfare
According to documents released by the Russian government in the late 1990s, during the Cold War, the FSB of the USSR planned the development of a weapon, referred to, variously, as Boobastroyka and the Tsar Booba, involving the implantation of 20 mm short-muzzle canons within specially bred tits; and the forced bonding of implanted tits with the sexiest Soviet operatives, along with the Spetznast. The documents identified over two hundred bars and drinking houses in Britain, the United States of America, and other Allied territories and locations, which the Rusky operatives would infiltrate and overrun. However, the plans were abandoned at the end of World War II when the Soviet Republic decided that they'd rather keep the operatives for themselves!
In the United Kingdom, following a damning address in 2009 by the then Chief of the Defence Staff (CDS), Field Marshal Sir Terrance "Tiny" Hardgone; to the Parliamentary
cross dressing cross-party Defence Select Committee, it was placed on record that the combat arms (presumably legs, torsos, and heads are also included – though this was never actually confirmed nor denied) of the British Armed Forces were becoming severely demotivated by the chronic lack of fresh tits; especially when deployed on active operations. In some situations, fresh tits were available to eat (and for other pleasures) at less than one month intervals. Shockingly, on many Royal Navy (RN) vessels, seamen were deprived of all titage (alive and dead) for more than NINE months. Supplies of Vaseline actually ran out on many ships, and ALL submarines. Some inventive seamen resorted highly specific lubricants; on conventionally armed subs, torpedo tube grease was illicitly improvised. However, this contains a very high level of molybdenum disulphide (an extremely dark grey compound, which blackens everything it contacts), which is perfectly fine to hide torpedoes aimed directly at enemy shipping but catastrophic for a Caucasian penis. On submarines which carry the nations' nuclear deterrent, the missiles which deliver the buckets of golden sunshine to their desired targets require an extremely specialised, very rare, and costly synthetic grease. The composition of, and the ingredients contained therein are highly classified, and very little is known about this mysterious lubricant. Unfortunately, an extremely embarrassing reaction with the grease occurs when inappropriate used by miscreant submariners; namely, it causes human flesh to fluoresce very distinctly. Specifically, two distinct tell-tale observations can be seen. When this grease contacts human flesh, AND fresh semen, it permanently stains the item of skin to glow a bright dayglo red. However, if a third human substance comes into contact (together with human skin and male cum), namely feces and / or anal juices, the fluorescence is even more visible, and permanent, with a sad and tragic ending. Specifically, his dick will glow a blinding dayglo red AND blue. It is visible through the standard RN uniforms, including Action Stations attire. If a glow-in-the-dark dick was not enough of an embarrassment, the real problems start nine to twelve months later; the penis, or indeed any other bodily item(s) which penetrated where the sun does not shine, slowly withers up, dies, shrivels away, and ultimately drops off. Embarrassing if the seaman is home on leave and having sex with his wife – or the local loud-mouthed whore – only to leave his rotten dick INSIDE her pussy after he shoots his load (which will now be his very last time to cum). The remainder of this shall be left to ones own curiosity or imagination.
In light of the above, and further to the lack of foresight (no, not foreskins) to ensure adequate supplies of fresh tits, caused by the consistent failure to actively recruit fresh
virgins young female solders into combat roles was causing two very specific problems amongst the British military in general. The first is a health and anatomical problem; male combat soldiers were getting overly developed right arms, causing a notable asymmetry in their upper bodies, due to excessive daily fatigue (known as targeted strength and fitness training in civilian speak). The second is more of a logistics problem, as too many socks were being disposed of as rubbish, instead of being laundered with their other items of combat uniforms (presumably in some kind of act to avoid shame by hiding any self-incriminating evidence of unapproved fitness training)! Hardgone urged all Select Committee members, and in turn, their colleagues and ministers to approve all means possible to address the chronic tit shortage in the Armed Forces. The most popular (and bloody obvious) suggestion was creation of a fully combatant new unit of the British Army: the Cleavage Corps; a 21st-century update on the long gone (but never forgotten) FANY (First Aid Nursing Yeomanry), along with the WRAC (pronounced "rack", Women's Royal Army Corps). However, the WRAC would need a dramatic change in policy from their former original incarnation; it was known that virtually all WRACs were good for only one thing – just like all racks the only thing to safely do with them was to "screw them against a wall". Unlike their former (and much loved) FANY compatriots, most WRACs, if not all were fucking ugly as sin. "I wouldn't even fuck that with yours" (your dick) was frequently heard when a new or fresh WRAC entered the bar, and a desperate squaddie needed to relieve his stress!
So, an earnest recruitment campaign to get "tits with tasers", "girls with guns", "boobs with bullets", "mammaries with missiles", "birds with bombs" – and a variety of other tag-lines – are unofficially used to urgently get sisters-in-arms to swell the ranks (and the trousers) of a robust and sustainable supply of fresh tittage to help satisfy the frankly unsatiable lads of the British Armed Forces. What ho! Stiff upper lips, chaps!
- Lawson, Nigella (2000); "My tits became drenched – not from milk nor cum, but too much droolage"; Tits For The 21st Century – the new male diet, that girls can also enjoy; Ramrod Publishing, Mayfair, London; softback (automatically changes to hardback); ISBN 8008-8008-69.
- "Tits vital for daily human consumption for males of all ethnicities"; www.Food.un; Berne, Switzerland; United Nations.
- "Two tits count as one serving – part of your five-a-day healthy food intake"; www.FSA.gov.uk; Bristols, England; UK Food Standards Agency; accessed: daily, as required.
- "Tits are NOT a luxury like caviar, they are a vital food ingredient for ALL Americans"; www.HSA.org.us; Titsburg, Pornsylvania, US; from the decade-long series "Healthy America – Eat Yourself to Good Health".
- 'Your country needs YOU ... Your country needs your ASSETS ... Sign up today, and see the world as you have never seen it before!'; www.MoD.uk; Whitehall, London, SW1A 2HB, United Kingdom; Ministry of Defence; Notes: official standardised recruitment literature for all branches of the British Armed Forces.