Pennsylvania
Potholenreich The Pothole Commonwealth Pennsylvania | |||||
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| Motto: Get these Jerseyites out of my fucking town! | |||||
| Anthem: Tom Wolf's Spotify Playlist | |||||
| Capital | Philadelphia Pittsburgh Harrisburg | ||||
| Previous capital | Bloomsburg (The Only Town in Pennsylvania!™) | ||||
| Official language(s) | English, "Pennsylvanian Dutch" (German) | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Jim Roth | ||||
| Currency | U.S. Dollar, Cheesesteak, Heroin, Hershey bars, iron city beer | ||||
| Area | At least 10 miles | ||||
| National animal | Deer, Turkey, anything often facing the barrel of a rifle | ||||
| Drives on | Potholes | ||||
“Fuck!”
Pennsylvania (pronounced Bum-Bull-Phuk) is one of four states of the United States that tries to conceal even that simple fact by claiming to be a "commonwealth." The devout, religious citizens of Pennsylvania include the Amish, Quakers, holy-rollers, Muslims and black-separatist churches, and a few parishioners who are actually normal, though they are outside the scope of this article.
Pennsylvania consists of urban grime in the east, and proud coal-mining and steelworking grime in the west, with stretches of pastoral bliss in between, if you don't consider the religious kooks. These regions are united by a system of Turnpikes, which is almost as good as the thoroughfares in neighboring states, except that these cost money.
Pennsylvania is full of Pennsylvanians, they are a proud people who absolutely love fracking, police brutality, and building a wall on their southern border with Maryland.
History[edit | edit source]
Foundation of the Kingdom[edit | edit source]
William Penn, the founding father of Pennsylvania, as a very successful man. He grew up in England a productive and prosperous man. He was a Klingon warrior who wanted nothing more than to have people of all faiths (especially Protestants and Catholics) to live side by side in peace.
Unfortunately, many people thought he was a Romulan.
“He would secretly hold meetings with some other Quackers who were really undercover Romulans. During these meetings, children were burned, women were tortured, and the language of the Devil was spoken. As you can imagine, the neighbors were not thrilled by the noise. They sent a complaint to the neighborhood association, and warned Penn that if he continued to hold wild parties (they were quite obtuse), he could be kicked out of the neighborhood, and even England itself.”
Rotteringhamburgshire, the leader of the Romulan rumor, was accidentally shot in the back by Hunter, his lover, and the entire movement collapsed. Penn would not be Satanist for a long time.
Anyway, Penn couldn't stay in England, because he was being persecuted for being something OTHER than some random church, so one night he and his fellow Klingon warriors discussed the situation while roasting marshmallows over the corpse of Rotteringhamburgshire. They realized that there was plenty of land available in the New World, and that they could even try to establish a Holy Empire there. So, they decided to appeal to the King, Charles II, for a charter that would grant them land there. They agreed that their land, if granted, would be called "Pennsylvania" which would be in the face of Dracula, saying "This is Penn's land, and you're gay."
In the year of our Lord 1681, King Charles granted Penn a charter for land from the Delaware River to the west in addition to a Land Before Time DVD. Needless to say, Penn was overjoyed by this, because he could now claim land all the way to the Pacific Ocean. However, realizing that this meant claiming land in Kansas, Wyoming and Utah, Penn decided to stick only with the land that is today the state of Pennsylvania. He might have been a Quacker, but he was no Creationist.
The Dark Force Rises[edit | edit source]
Shortly after their charter was granted, Penn and his followers moved to their new land. They knew that their scheme of gathering Quackers to take over the New World had to start out covert. Penn knew that an overwhelming majority of Aimish and Quackers were pretty freakin' insane. He hired advertisers to promote Pennsylvania to these people. Within a year, more than 1 million Aimish and Quackers had moved to Pennsylvania. The problem was that an estimated 25% (250,000) were secretly Satanist. If left unchecked, they could easily defeat the remaining 750,000 that didn't believe in fighting. They quickly formed an occult and even got William Penn, formerly rumored to be Satanist, to join. Thus the Satanists were now in charge of the entire colony.
[Satanists create distraction from actual plans by fighting with Maryland over border.]
Ben Franklin, The Savior[edit | edit source]
Shortly after the Satanist's rise to power in Pennsylvania, there was a great awakening in the Force. A virgin mother gave birth to a young child, whose blood was so rich in Midichlorians, he was thought to have rivaled the powers of the Jedi Grandmaster Yoda. This child was named Benjamin Franklin. Throughout his early years, Benjamin, or "B-Unit", as many called him, was kept secret and safe, as his mother sent him to the Canadian wilderness to train and develop his powers through the Force. Benjamin grew strong and wise, and life was simple until he began to dream of his mother.B-Unit dreamed night after night of Satanist bureaucrats torturing his mother to death. He went on a quest to find and save her. Benjamin found his mother after months of searching, being tortured by these Satanists. She died in his arms, and Benjamin made sure to let the group of torturers feel his wrath.
In the years to come, Benjamin gathered a large following of societal outcasts, and was eventually able to wrestle Pennsylvania from the vice grip of Satanism.
Oh, The Irony[edit | edit source]
Before they were thrown from power, the Satanists wrote into Pennsylvania law that no money may be used from the state budget to construct road signs. They believed that this would eventually fuck Pennsylvania over by discouraging people from driving through the state. And then, when things were in a state of chaos, the Satanists could come back and take over the state once again.
However, much later, in the 1950's, a group from Westylvania brought steel from Pittsburgh and constructed thousands upon thousands of road signs, along with the Pennsylvania Turnpike. The beauty of this Turnpike is unmatched by any other road in the entire Universe. Its awesomeness reigned over so many people that they could not bear to leave it, so they settled in Pennsylvania. As a result, Pennsylvania's population and economic growth can largely be attributed to that road, causing people to settle in the middle-of-nowhere and start a family or business. This is how places like State College, Pittsburgh and Allentown were established. It actually makes sense. Really, who would want to live in these places otherwise?
The Truckrising[edit | edit source]
As the Pennsylvania turnpike and other highways such as I-80 and I-81 started becoming more popular among passenger and commercial vehicles alike, cargo trucks began to grow resentful of the lack of truck representation on the roads. In retaliation the trucks launched a revolution that would later be called “The Truckrising.”
During The Truckrising, cargo trucks invaded and conquered all the public interstates in Pennsylvania, filling every lane of each highway and not allowing any passage. The truckrising lasted seven years before it ended in 1989 when Governor Bob Barkley passed a law that placed a maximum 90% truck capacity on interstate highways. The number of trucks roaming the public highways has been dwindling lately, although it is feared that the trucks are only gearing up for a second, much greater truckrising.
Westylvania[edit | edit source]
The Western counties surrounding the city of Pittsburgh and Altoona are full of God-fearing whites cligging to their bibles and guns. The region extends from a spit of land on Lake Erie to bordering on Toawanda (the nation's meth capital) to Harrisburg (the real state capital) to the people in Hazleton who for some reason hate Spicks and New Englanders.
Another regionalism is in Northeast Penn. facing the tri-state area of New York-New Jersey. Scranton or "Scrap metal" as it is known by critics, is the east end of the nation's rust belt, included are Wilkes-Barre full of jobless unemployed bums (blame Corbett) and Lehighton where everyone is HIGH. Don't forget to check out a town called Jim Thorpe named for the "world's greatest athlete" who was almost stripped of all his olympic gold medals.
Just by Pittsburg is Mt Lebanon. Mount Lebanon is in Alleghany County, and a truck route of US 19 is the only road to service it. The mountain is just west of 80°W and just north of 40°N. This mountain can possibly destroy all of Pittsburg and is the biggest chance of Westylvania being turned into Deathylvania.
The People[edit | edit source]
37% French, 39% Spanish, 13% German-American, 13% Mennonite and 23% every other nationality in the world. There are also a few angels as well.
Aimish[edit | edit source]
The Aimish who got their name because they start most conversations with I'm aim'in to.... (like: I'm aim'in to go gig me some crawdads or I'm aim'in to learn ya a good one if ya don't settle down, etc.). Mostly harmless, because they don't have any prank calls to defend themselves. Seriously, no electrics. But at least they have awesome land to live on.
Quackers[edit | edit source]
You might think that this article has misspelled "Quaker" every time. In fact, it is you who has misspelled Quacker every time. You see, the misspelling of "Quacker" originates from the French during the French and Indian War in the 18th century. When the Quackers were advocating peace between the French and English, the French only became more enraged by their efforts, and decided to call them "Quakers." That made the Quackers so angry that they decided to side with the English and kill any French or Native American who crossed their path. Unfortunately, it is a very old spelling and is only used on this article to portray Pennsylvania's awesome history.
Native Americans (Indians)[edit | edit source]
The Indians knowing which side of the bread was being buttered immediately fled the area or hid. Those that hid are still there today disguised as acorns, chestnuts, tree stumps, mud puddles, poison ivy and a few other things.
Franklinites[edit | edit source]
Franklinites are a diverse group of followers of Ben. They remain low key and in the background.
Obese Morons[edit | edit source]
They cover a wide geographical range & make up -6% of the commonwealth's population. They enjoy partaking in the gourmet delicacies offered throughout the state, such as: cheesesteaks, Primantis, Hershey's chocolate, pierogies, Auntie Anne's pretzels, potato chips, ketchup, apple sauce, milk, butter (did you SEE the butter sculpture at the farm show??), scrapple, cheez whiz straight from the can, Yuengling, Yuengling Lager, Yeungling Light Lager, Yeungling Bock, Yeungling Black & Tan, Yeungling Octoberfest & Lebanon bologna. Now you know why everyone in the state is fat, no vegetables are in the Pennsylvania diet except potato chips & ketchup.
The Cities, and Other Locations of Interest[edit | edit source]
Pittsburgh[edit | edit source]
Obviously the most awesome city in the entire state, and that's a record you want to have. Sporting the best football team in the country,The Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers are 6 time super bowl champions and its fans will always remind you of this. The fans are know for being the best fans in the league. They are know as 'Steeler Nation' and their flag is the famous Terrible Towel, invented by the Legend himself, Myron Cope. However, the fans are also some of the most obnoxious in the league, but with good reason, I mean 6 time super bowl champs. A famous quote from the fans is,"Got 6 rings?. I didn't think so. But we do". The Steelers are named for the massive amounts of steel Pittsburgh produced back in the day The city of Pittsburghs sports steam all share a common bond, Black and Gold. Black and Gold, the colors that unite Steelers and Pirate, Pirate and Penguin, father and son, mother and daughter, Black and Gold the colors that unite the city, the Nation the People. Anyway, there are many things to do around Pittsburgh, including Kennywood, The Strip District, and I do believe there might be a few micronations scattered here and there. Pittsburgh also has the best skyline in the state. Anyway, yinz wanna visit.
Johnstown[edit | edit source]
It floods here all the time. In 1889, 1935 and 1977, like a 40-some year curse has on them. Johnstown keeps rebuilding itself in such a place where the river was supposed to be rushing. Move the town uphill or something, you must be on crack?
Erie[edit | edit source]
The spirits of redskins in Pennsylvania used to all gather in this area to moan and howl. When a city was build here it was called Erie for the erie noises. When Ben Franklin sent exorcists here, they were never seen again. Now, Canada sends its ambassadors here to shop. Aside from this, there's nothing much to do here.
Williamsport[edit | edit source]
People mistakenly believe this was named as a port for William. In fact It was named for the fact that William used it as a hunting preserve: William's sport (that sport being hunting unbelievers and were-wolves).
It is home of the Little League world series, where teams represent your local kiddie ball team take on a foreign country known for hiring fake midget players in their rigged games. What a sport it is, too bad the innocence of the game is ruined.
Lycoming County[edit | edit source]
This is the area around Williamsport named for the stray Lycanthropes that got off the hunting preserve. However they were all killed 300 years ago.
Hazleton[edit | edit source]
William Penn set up his mistress with her own town. God knows who she was or what she did.
Central[edit | edit source]
Shamokin[edit | edit source]
Shamokin Township is known for it's colorful community, questionable education system, terrible high school football team, and out of order Dunkin' Donuts restrooms (See Arson.) Tourists travelling through Pennsylvania are advised to avoid the area at all costs. To ensure the town's questionable folk don't expand and reproduce around the globe, the entire township is surrounded by another township, known as Coal Township. Many people tend to confuse the two as being the same, but they don't know what the hell they're talking about.
The Shamokin area is also known for being the home of the worlds largest manmade mountain, though nobody really cares. Thousands drive by that mountain every day and nobody even bats an eye at it, it's just a mountain of coal.
It is so torn aport from crime and lack of common sense/funding from leaders to the point that even Dick Cheney would feel bad. Of the nearly 8,000 people that live there, 7,999 have a criminal record, with the only one who doesn't have one is the one police offcer that patrols the township 30 minutes a day. Fun fact, the last arrest in Shamokin that didn't end in a 3 day township-wide shootout was in 1979.
There are a few half decent locations throughout the sprawling metropolis that is Shamokin. Ming Guan's Chinese restaurant is known for its very delicious Chinese food. What most people don't know it that they use cat and dog meat in their Beef Lo Mein like every other Chinese restaurant.
Gangs[edit | edit source]
Multiple gangs roam the streets 24/7, here's a list of the more prominent ones:
- The Clowns: Well known for their nightly pranks, these intimidating people make up anywhere from 1-5000 of the population.
- The School Board: Not much has been heard from them in a long time, it is assumed they are laying low, attempting to avoid contact with other gangs. They didn't do much really, in fact, they did the least out of all the gangs, next to The Police.
- The Police: (Disbanded)
- The Good Parents: (Disbanded)
- The Cunts: Truth be told, anybody who isn't a clown falls into this gang. This gang and The Clowns are at constant war
South Central[edit | edit source]
Susquehanna River[edit | edit source]
Interestingly this river is named after one of the elder chuthullu gods, who coincidentally shares the name with a local Injun tribe. Heck, they probably got their name from him. History shows others had the same idea as Penn and settled in what is now Pennsylvania to worship without interruption by annoying neighbors. The things reported to live in this river scare even the wolves.
Harrisburg[edit | edit source]
Named after Harry S. Burgmann the legendary Chuthullu worshiper who relocated his cult here. The skirmishes between the Chuthullu Cult and Penn's satanists were dark, dirty, nasty and ugly. No, they're all gone. Today it's a hellhole run by an ecclectic oligarchy comprised of followers from numerous, cephalopod-worshipping factions.
And don't forget to join a sightseeing tour of Three Mile Island. Watch the cooling tower reactors burn down and glow at night.
Lancaster[edit | edit source]
Crime-filled, the entire city is under public surveillance cameras. Home to mostly Puerto Ricans, Mexicans, Cubans and other Hispanics in a battle for turf against the black people and white people. The local history is Germans and Dutchmen were thrown out by the Irish and Italians before they too were thrown out by Southern whites (See rednecks) or green Russians (see Jews) over time.
All locals have been trained to spot non-locals on the sole basis that non-locals will unintelligently say LAN-caster instead of Lang-KIS-ter. Anyone who says LAN-caster will have their vehicles broken into while they take the kiddos to Dutch Wonderland for the day, but it's their own damn fault for leaving the GPS & credit cards in plain view with the doors unlocked like they were still in their cozy gated communities.
Reading[edit | edit source]
The acclaimed hometown of Jon Gosselling and his wife Kate who have 8 kids on a reality show and have a bad marriage fall apart in the public eye. How embarrassing is that? Jon is a dork, Kate is a white trash ho and all the 8 kids will fall into foster care.
Enough about that, Reading is a rusty-old town without work and all of a sudden, New York yuppie types want to live there? The city's symbol is a Pagoda- don't they know they're not in Asia?
The city is most famous for its railroad, which was once used to transport flightless birds and porn across the Atlantic Ocean. Today, the Reading Railroad is only used to piss people off in a game of Monopoly.
York[edit | edit source]
Not New York, but just as urban blighted. They had a race riot in 1968 when they had it up to here with niggers. The war of the races (black roses win). A real-estate boom brought tons of New Yorkers, New Jerseyites, New Englanders (go home), Puerto Ricans and Central Americans (you know, those MS13 Salvadoran gangs) to make York into an extension of the Philly metro area megapolis.
Souderton[edit | edit source]
In the north end of North Montgomery county of North Penn Colony with a Northeast angle of former New Yorkers, Californians and Floridans want to live here. Souderton is the hub of a housing boom-and-bust commuter bedroom-and-bathroom community in Bucks (or Buttfucks) County.
Souderton A.k.a Yuppie central, town-and-country folk and enough Home Depots aside Wal-marts and Bed-Bath-and-Beyonds to make your head spin. The locals can afford their daily drive to work and back home on the not-so-cheap turnpike.
The town is 90% Caucasians, except 9% Asians and 1% token black folk, but lately the composition has became 40% Hispanic and 30% Semitic. However, Souderton is now 50% brown, 45% yellow and 5% grey. No white folk within city or "township" limits.
Philadelphia[edit | edit source]
This was not originally part of Pennsylvania, it was settled by some Greeks that were blown off course. They were worshipers of Aristaeus, the god of cheese. What Philadelphia actually means in Greek is lost to the ages. The most common form of worship is the eating of the cheese steak (and the soft pretzel.) Penn, being a lover of cheese steaks, went to war (the war lasted 7 3/4 seconds) and captured Philly from the Swedish, who wouldn't know a good cheese if it bit them.
The city went apeshit when the Philadelphia Phillies won their first world series in 28 years. They will go apeshit again if (and I do mean if) the Philadelphia Eagles go to their first super bowl in 28 years (they wont, there terrible just like the city.) Its sports profile includes: Flyers hockey, the 76'ers basketball, and Union soccer teams. Now, these teams won more than the Phillies, Eagles, and the bygone former Philadelphia A's ever won. Although in the Flyers' case, that means division and Eastern Conference Championships and not Stanley Cups, which would take Hell's freezing to happen.
Philadelphia is also known for its own brand of the greatest from of human expression--BEER!
The burbs of Philly[edit | edit source]
The Suburban Sauron ring of Philadelphia covers from 10 to 50 miles (no metric, this is America) from the statue of Ben Franklin and is known for the sports curse it leaves on the metropolis' fan base.
They live in places like: Norristown, home of illegal Cheech landscape grubs, King of Prussia, known for the overpriced Mall that covers 50% of the town, Chester and its West side, Upper Darby, where the people are known for their putrid smell of rotting kimchi, Willow Grovem known for a closed-down air base, Doylestown, Bensalem, and Levittown, one of the two first of millions of post-WWII cookie-cutter, upper-crust home tracts.
Pennsylvania also is hailed as the alternative state to live in in the Northeast. But when you live in Philly, you will be like, "sure, those New Yorkers want to come in and ruin it for the rest of us". In 2010, it is one of three Northern blue states to vote for a Republican state governor. THAT WAS A BIG MISTAKE, as you have seen. If they had voted Democrat, the would've been in high seventh heaven with everyone working and with big smiles. Yeah, right.
The burbs have expanded rapidly due to the douchebags from Philly wanting to get away from the crime, but also wanting to live near every store you can name. In the end they brought both stores & crime with them. Along with traffic. And we all know what traffic means... POTHOLES!
Tunkhannock[edit | edit source]
An average place, not really awesome but not the last place you'd want to go either. It is located about 12 kilometers from Sheeptown(Noxen). Notable for noobs that probably wouldn't last 5 minutes in Alabama. The only attraction is the popcorn shop downtown and NAPA auto parts. It is home of the Tigers, a football team that went 16 years without making it to the playoffs. We do have Robinsons Martial Arts so that's a plus. The school curriculum consist of getting kids to stop chewing even though there are more chew cans in the parking lot than cars. If you're old, it's perfect for you here. If you're not it's a hell-hole that you are trapped in until you graduate from high school. The police are corrupt. It's on a who knows who basis. If you know the right people, you can get away with anything. You don't you're screwed. If something happens in the school and you contact the police, the station a few blocks away says they don't handle the school and tell you to go to the staties about 5 kilometers away. How fucked up is that? Then the staties tell you to go to the town cops even though you just came from there. Nevermind, yeah this might be the last place you'd want to go.
Scranton[edit | edit source]
This place is the home of the Dunder Mifflin Inc.(a paper company). Notable residents include wonderful manager Michael Scott and his underlings. A popular tourist attraction is Schrute Farms owned and operated by the one and only Dwight Schrute.
Ashville[edit | edit source]
Is small retirement community in Pennsyltucky which consists of 279 people according to the 2000 Census, all of whom are related. The median income for a household in the borough was $21,875,90% of which was spent on crystal meth and Cialis, with the remaining 10% being poured into the up and coming homosexual geriatric porn industry that thrives in Ashville. There are 100.7 men for every .7 women. This rag tag bunch of soldiers have been living for the past 20 years under the impression that Red Dawn is actually happening and that they are America's last hope.
Kilometer Run[edit | edit source]
A small community smack dab in the middle of the state. The signs on the highway warn, "No services," as you approach this exit, which you should read as, "You're fucked if your car breaks down here." May possibly not have outlawed inbreeding yet, much like most of the rest of the state.
Pocono Mountains[edit | edit source]
A large mountainous region in northeast Pennsylvania that many tourists visit year round for its breathtaking views and vast array of wildlife. Tourists must beware however of the incredibly hostile gang deer that patrol the area. It is rumored that the infamous deer gang is headquartered deep within the Poconos. There are several accounts of tourists being attacked or even murdered by gang deer in the Poconos every year, with the number of attacks naturally peaking in the fall due to that being Horny Deer Season.
The number of gang deer attacks has been slowly declining since it peaked in 2013 at 367 attacks, 99 of those having been fatal. It is also said that gang deer have begun to migrate into other areas of Pennsylvania, as well as other states such as New York and West Virginia, so perhaps nowhere is truly safe from these menaces.
Pothole Highway[edit | edit source]
Pothole Highway covers every inch of paved and unpaved road in Pennsylvania. Every summer potholes are patched up with bird poop and leftover cheez-wiz, only to reappear the following January. It's like hoo-doo magic! There are some extensions of Pothole Hell Highway that you have to pay to drive on. This payment (called a "TOLL") is for the extra potholes on which you have the privilege to drive. After all, any self-respecting amusement park would charge you for a ride on the roller coaster, so why not the bounciest road too??