Nebraska
Nebraska The place the buffalo shits. We have kawrn. | |||||
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| Motto: "Buy Nebraska Beef! (Even though it is all brought in by train or truck from Texas and Montana)" | |||||
| Anthem: "United We Stand as long as Federal Corn Subsidies keep rolling in." | |||||
 | |||||
| Capital | Omaha | ||||
| Largest city | College World Series | ||||
| Official language(s) | English | ||||
| Government | Special Interest Democratic State | ||||
| ‑ He with the fewest teeth. | Tom Osbourne | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Little Red, Cornelius C. Cornson | ||||
| Established | May 30, 1854 | ||||
| Currency | Corn husks | ||||
| Religion | Christianity and Cornism | ||||
| Population | 97 | ||||
| Area | a lot | ||||
“If you took all the highways in Nebraska and put them in a straight line, they would go around the world 3 times...and you would still be stuck in the middle of nowhere.”
Nebraska, also known as the empty spot on the T-Mobile map, is an area on the map of North America designated by the French as "The place to fill in that gaping hole in Reality". After selling off the land as part of the Louisiana Purchase, the French became extinct in the New World as they died laughing. Nebraska has three exports: corn, rabid college football fans, and bullshit. The primary imports are Ranch Dressing, Husker's gear made in Asian sweatshops by blind, finger-less children, and hip waders to wade through the bullshit. Blind followers of the Republican Party and Christianity, Nebraskan's fully believe their shit does not stink. (This is untrue as Nebraskans cannot smell- they breathe only through their mouths.) The climate consists of a mix of mud and frozen wasteland. This is the most sorry state in America.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Nebraska is Creek Indian for "the big flat spot the buffalo shits in". It is as one pictures it, thousands of square miles of desolate, dead corn and slow, weed choked muddy waterways. This landscape is funded in full the Federal Government at taxpayer expense as The United States has great need for acres of rotting corn and strong backs with weak minds. Eastern Nebraska is slightly forested by imported invasive species, planted by "settlers" because they were "groovy looking". The one feature in the entire area is a large geological formation called "Chimney Rock" renamed by the tourism board from the original moniker, "The Giant Stone Cock". Bordered on the east by the Missouri river to differentiate between the mouthbreathers and kawrn in Iowa, and on the west by large piles of empty Coors Light beer cans, the remaining borders are in a constant state of flux as the surrounding states shift their anti-mouthbreathing quarantine zones regularly after sanitizing with napalm.
The Platte river bisects the state, providing an outlet for the excessive runoff from the corn fields. This is ideal as Nebraska is the center of the highest concentration use of Atrazine in the world. Atrazine is an important Nebraskan export as it converts males to females of all species. Nebraskans celebrate this because they all love a great set of tits, even on their sons.
In 1872, Sterling Morton of Nebraska City had difficulty finding a tree amidst the fields of corn upon which he could hang himself. He decided to establish Arbor Day—an annual day of tree planting. Thanks to Morton’s dream, there are now six trees suitable for hanging located near Valentine.
After Sterling Morton used the trees to hang himself, Nebraskans realized the trees were good for lynching negroes that were not imported to play on their football team (for pay) as well as a multitude of nothing but white people and a handful of Mexicans that they swear are legal.
Government[edit | edit source]
Corn. Fields. More corn.And even More.
Oh yeah, and a unicameral system, due largely to the fact that there are not enough people in Nebraska to fill two congressional houses. This is the reason that every table describing state legislatures in Amerika has an asterisk that proclaims:
- Nebraska has a unicameral legislature and is elected on a non-partisan basis.
The children of Nebraska spend a couple of extra weeks in school studying this unique form of well-mannered, organized bullshit.
Nebraskans, being a progressive bunch, once elected an angry black man to the Unicameral; after they did so, they vowed never to do it again...but Eric Crouch might be in the running sometime soon since Nebraska is the only state that still thinks he's worth something.
Nebraska was formerly ruled by a duke. The position of Duke of Nebraska is now a solely ceremonial role, which is currently held by Larry the Cable Guy, who voices Mater, from the movie Cars, who lives in Nebraska.
In recent years, Nebraska has been ruled by the Cornhusker Nationalist Party and its Chairman, Bo,"go screw yourself," Pelini. This party was swept to power after the humiliating defeat of Nebraska at the hands of the Auburn Alliance in the so-called Cotton War. Its ideology focuses on the purity of the Nebraskan cornline and seeks to keep it free of inferior kernels. The party has also sought to expand in the hopes of adding some place of interest to Nebraska and thus initiated an invasion of Iowa, resulting in a brutal war of attrition between the two superpowers. Some scholars are baffled by Nebraska's reasons for invading its neighbor; after all, if they wanted to find somewhere fun, why did they invade western Iowa? Nevertheless, the war continues to this day.
Economy[edit | edit source]
Nebraska has no true economy per say. The entire state is propped up the the federal government in the form of corn and farm subsidies. Corn is never harvested as it is worth more if allowed to stand and rot. This provides the illusion of failed crops, thus ensuring the annual Federal paycheck. Small localized versions of what some refer to as an economy center around the trading of daughters for breeding, Bible pages for use as toilet paper, and pure rascism extract to spread in the guise of christian fanaticism.
Culture[edit | edit source]
There is no real culture in Nebraska.
As an example of what Nebraskans try to pass off as culture, examine the music of Omaha's own 311. Another fine example is anything from SaddleCreek Records.
Currently their is a movement to "put Nebraska on the map" by petitioning to change the spelling of "corn" to "kawrn", thus reinforcing that all stereotypes are true.
Mouthbreathing, a sure indicator of a Nebraskan, could be considered a form of culture. This form of atmospheric intake utilizes only an open mouth and the abdominal muscles. Lubrication of the oral cavity is achieved by occasional lip-licking and drooling. The tradition is to allow one's mouth to hang open and inhale and exhale through it. All other breathing function is disabled as the requisite muscles have atrophied. While considered a medical condition in most of the developed world, mouthbreathing is a way of life for Nebraskans. Recent research reveals that mouthbreathing has its origins in the attempt of early Nebraskan settlers attempting to raise their blood-oxygen levels to boost brain power. Sadly, they were unable to comprehend the fallacy of this tactic, but successfully passed on the new genetic mutation to their progeny.Over the generations, the culture of mouthbreathing has led Nebraskans to believe their shit does not stink due to their innate inability to draw air through the nasal cavity.
Religion[edit | edit source]
There are three main religions in Nebraska: Huskerism, Christianity and Republicanism.
Huskerism[edit | edit source]
Huskerism is a small, zealous cult popular with the poorly educated fans of American College Football. Adherents can be easily identified by their predilection for crimson red clothing emblazoned with the only letter of the English alphabet they can read: "N". They worship a triad of idols. The first is a pictograph of a farmer in overalls, referred to as "Herbie Husker" or "Li'l Red". The second is a large ear of partially shucked corn. The third is a strange entity called "Tomosbourne", believed to be the incarnate avatar of the rectal union of Herbie and the Corn. They can be often heard chanting "Go Big Red", a local euphemism for uncontrolled genital bleeding.
Christianity[edit | edit source]
Christianity is less a religion and more of a weak excuse for Nebraskans to try and hide their infamous low intelligence. Unlike the real Christians of the world; Nebraskan Christians readily support racism, homophobia, inbreeding, and chinchilla abuse.Worship services are usually planning sessions for the next lynching, beating, dragging, or fisting of the targeted people and animals previously mentioned.
Republicanism[edit | edit source]
Republicanism is so closely linked to both Huskerism and Christianity as to be indistinguishable. In addition to the previously described activities, Republicans worship Ronald Reagan as the Creator and the forced, involuntary sterilization of anyone that makes less than 90,000USD per year.
Tourism[edit | edit source]
"Nebraska: For when you have time to see nothing!"
Nebraska is a popular tourist destination for those that do not know any better. The nearly featureless geography often leads lost travelers to believe they are in a useful state like Kansas,Missouri, or Euphoria.
A few self proclaimed tourist sites do exist however. Most are in fact cleverly disguised hobo and migrant worker rest stations such as downtown Lincoln, the Old Market in Omaha, or the Incest Celebration Hall in Kearny.
Nebraska does have three notably natural features. They are worth mention only in that they posses striking resemblances to the appendages for which they are named. "The Gigantic Stone Cock" sometimes improperly called "Chimney Rock" is nearly 300 feet of phallic granite, erect in the badlands. A second feature,"The Whore's Saggy Tit" or "The Big Nipple" is a unique butte formation named for the wife of the first mayor of Gering, Nebraska just outside of Scottsbluff. The third is Hayworth Park, an unique underwater recreational vehicle campground created in 2010 in Bellevue, Nebraska that provides visitors with an outstanding view of the raw sewage and untreated effluent regularly dumped in the Missouri River by the City of Omaha.
The College World Series draws a million salivating morons each summer to Omaha. While cleverly disguised as a very large championship of American Collegiate Baseball, it is in fact a method of reproduction by Nebraskans. An exchange of genetic material is achieved from the "fresh" gene pool of outsiders through fine mesh sieves constructed to strip DNA contaminated cash. This collected fragmentary DNA is then cloned with Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing. It is then sold back to the baseball fans as a topping for food or as a penile dermal application to easily solicit intercourse from local females. This has led to the the well known credo of the CWS: "If'n ya wanna gets laids, dips it in Ranch!"
Population[edit | edit source]
Population: Iowans and Corn
Cities Located in Nebraska[edit | edit source]
- Alliance - Home of Carhenge, a replica of stonehenge comprised of junked automobiles.
- Ashland –Formerly: "Trashland" but after the first two letters of the neon welcome sign burned out, they were never replaced.
- Auburn - Largest mobile home park in the world.
- Aurora - Also a stripper in Lincoln.
- Bancroft - A dot placed on the map for compass navigation.
- Beatrice -Center of camel toe farming
- Belgrade - It has one bar that doubles as a veterinarian/casino/hair care center. They also have a weird old man that jacks off while sitting on his front porch.
- Bellevue – Means "beautiful view",in French. Excellent joke and sales point by the first colonizers as it helped with the sale of the Louisianna Purchase to the U.S.A.
- Blair – The town ocassionaly rotates 360 degrees and vomits green pea soup.
- Broken Bow - Home of the world's largest pole vault coach.
- Central City – Named for its location in the southwest portion of the state.
- Chadron - It's like being on a different planet.
- Columbus – Every state has one.
- Donovan - Next to McNabb.
- Duncan - Doughnuts
- Elmwood - See Murdock
- Elkhorn - Suburb of Omaha. Usually under water.
- Emerson - Smallest town on Earth, the only thing it has noticable is a train that doesn't work, and corn. Corn, corn, corn.
- Falls City - STD capital of the world.
- Fort Calhou- the home of absolutely nothing to boast about
- Fremont – Famous for its bypass and its need to recruit in sports so they don't completely suck at everything they do
- Gibbon - the only city in Nebraska named after a monkey
- Grand Island- possess traffic lights on every 1/4 of a mile leading into the town, and none actually in the town.
- Gretna - Mouthbreathese for "greatness". What it is great for remains unknown.
- Hastings - but straw smells too.
- Holdrege - Ample parking day and night, and people spouting "Howdy neighbor."
- Kimball - named for the famous single testicle cheerleader.
- Kearney – Has an arch, also known as "Flatlander's St. Louis". People come from all over trying to figure out why they built it.
- Lexington - is misrepresented on maps due to a typographical error. Actually "Mexington" after the numerous excellent taco shops.
- Lincoln – A suburb of Memorial Stadium and the site of the Ascension of Tom Osbourne.
- McCook - The middle of nowhere.
- Murdock - Famous for the rampant steroid use of the High School Cheerleading Squad
- Nebraska City – Because "Iowa City" was taken.
- Norfolk – Used to be "North Fork", but that was too hard to say.
- North Platte – so named to differentiate from the non-existent South Platte. Used to be "Norplatte"
- Ogallala - post Apocalyptic outpost that defends the like-named aquifer
- Omaha, Nebraska – favorite target of ICBMs of the Soviet Union due to it being the origin of the "musical" group 311
- O'Neill - Come over down to O'Neill, and to meet some friends on time.
- Papillion - pronounced pap-PILL-ee-yun because the French for butterfly is too hard to say.
- Peru - A country in South America listed here because they grow corn too.
- Platte Center - Center as in "of a corn field" because it is hard to live in the center of a river.
- Plattsmouth – home of the annual King Korn Karnival which is exactly what it sounds like it is...
- Plattview - Is it the same town as Springfield? Nobody knows, but every kid in this school drives a tractor or truck to school. (It's required)
- Red Cloud - Their claim to world fame is it was the home to a cross dressing lesbian author that got the fuck out of that shithole town the first chance she got.
- Rosalie - Named for the first white child to be born in the state.
- Scottsbluff - Farthest west part of the state.
- Seward – Also affectionately known as "a great place to dump your trash"
- South Park - because every state has one.
- Springfield- because every state wants one.
- Valentine - The most Depressing place to be in Love on Earth
- Wahoo – Not as exciting as it sounds. Landlocked town named for large ocean going fish.
- West Point - There is a point, but it isn't in the west.
- Wisner(d) - It has a population of three virgins: two nerds and a hottie.
- York – from the Swedish for corn as spoken by the Swedish Chef
Famous Nebraskans[edit | edit source]
- Lady Gaga's on again off again boy-toy
- Sacramento Kings basketball (once played in Omaha). Then they left. I wonder why.
- William Jennings Bryan
- Dick Cavett
- Willa Cather The cross dressing lesbo mentioned above. Please note that she never came back.
- Johnny Carson
- Charles Starkweather A fine Marine
- Malcolm X for 12 seconds
- Willy Wonka because it was the only place they wouldn't notice his Oompa Loompa's were child labor slaves.
- Conor OberstA God-Damnned emo!!!
- Gerald Ford before he realized his ideas were too good for Nebraska.
- 311 They had a series of hits in the '90s that all sounded like the same song.
- Bright Eyes < aka Conor Oberst
- Larry the Cable Guy He studs heifers, literally.
- Ryan Reno
- The Weighted Companion Cube
- Several members of the Hale Bopp Cult (now defunct)
- David Swisher, pole vaulter
- Leigh Schmale
- Beer
- Peter Fonda
- Forest Whitaker Although he will never admit it.
- James Valentine Maroon 5
- Matthew Sweet
- Marlon Brando
- Danny Woodhead
- Fred Astaire
- Montgomery Clift
- John Beasley
- Tow Mater
True Rumors[edit | edit source]
- Nebraska has more sunny days per year than Florida.
- Every US citizen is somewhat related to Nebraska.
- Upon entering Nebraska, one is lulled into a state of eternal sleep and/or death.
- One theory states that Nebraska exists only as a state of mind, and the corn is a by product of the lack of imagination found in most Americans (they think Corn is from Iowa).
- Giant hot women used to live in Nebraska (but find the super chief 50 feet tall in the Sioux Indian Reservations).
- Scientists at the University of Nebraska are working on a device which will create the Anti-Nebraska, a giant city interrupted by comically small patches of grass. If Nebraska and Anti-Nebraska ever come into contact, it will certainly bring about the end of the world.
- Nebraska football cheerleaders are actually cows.
* There are no hillbillies in Nebraska.The presence of hills is a prerequisite for billies.
- There are no rednecks in Nebraska, as rednecks are people of Scots-Irish/Slavic descent originating from the coal mining regions of Appalachia.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Corn
- Fields
- meth
- Corn
- Giant Man Beasts
- Man Bear Pig
- Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house
- Tom Osborne
- Beer
- Cone heads
- Creamed Corn
- Cattle