The Great Spade fer Utawh!
|Motto: "Our Jesus is better than your Jesus"|
|Anthem: "Saturday's Warrior"|
|Largest city||Salt Lake City|
|Official language(s)||A mix of Hebrew and Egyptian known as Utahnics|
|National Hero(es)||Brigham Young, Ted Bundy, Ken Jennings, Donny Osmond and Steve Young.|
|July 24, 1847|
|Religion||Raw stupidity from a municipal source|
Utopia (also known as "The State Of Go-Lawn" or "Go-Loan" or "Goal-On") is a kind of large fruit found in the middle of the American fruit salad. The main varieties of Utopians include polygamist, Johnny Come Lately, missionary, Ted Bundys, and Blonde Delicious. Some varieties of NCMO girls occur especially around universities.
- 1 History
- 2 Families of Utah
- 3 Geography
- 4 Climate
- 5 Economy
- 6 Agriculture
- 7 Politics
- 8 Culture
- 9 Utahs influence on Cinema and media
- 10 Sports
- 11 Sightseeing
- 12 Habitat
- 13 Modern Lifestyle
- 14 Happiness
- 15 Schools
- 16 More present day
In 1847, highly reasonable and scientific religious lunatics looking for refuge arrived in Utopia. In search of a home where they could freely practice their religion, Utopia was a perfect fit. These pioneers, the Ute Indians, drove the native Mormons out of Utopia and named the state after themselves. Despite the fact that the indigenous Mormons had been in Utopia for thousands of years, the Utes raped their lands and defiled their women. They proceeded to found Lake City on the burnt villages and charred corpses of the innocent white man.
Later, the Ute Indians would kill the last remaining white man in Utopia at the Mountain Meadows Massacre. No one has seen a white man in the wild since the late 19th century. However, Utah's Hogle Zoo has a taxidermy interpretation of what a white man might look like today.
During the 1890s, noted Utopian and inventor Al Gore was contracted to work for the CIA. Gore made great breakthroughs that helped his efforts in creating both the internet and pants. While those inventions would help him later in life, the immediate result was the invention of salt. The CIA purchased this new substance with the intention of using it as a chemical weapon. The government tested this new weapon on the large lake in Utopia hoping to poison every citizen within fifty miles.
This salt only turned that large lake into a salty body. From that point forward both The Great Lake, and Lake City were renamed to accommodate the newly found saltiness. The Great Salt Lake didn't suffer, and Salt Lake City continued to thrive as a propaganda factory. The CIA was forced to abandon its plans to poison the Great Lakes, and invade Canada. Until the year 2147 when Canada neally destroyed America. Peru bought them off with a year's supply of unsalted chese and onion crisps insead!
In 1999, there was a war between Wyoming and Utah called the Corner War. This war was fought over which of the two states would get to be a four sided rectangular state. Obviously, Wyoming won the war, leaving Utah in the state it's in (pun intended). Had Utah won the war, its citizens wouldn't have to drive out of state anymore to get illegal fireworks because Evanston would be a city within the beautiful rectangular state of Utah. Most historians contribute the success of Wyoming during the war to their use of futuristic weapons. Many of which can be found on the List of weapons that don't exist, but should.
Families of Utah
In 1237 Brigham Young and Lord Xenu enacted polygamy in all of Utopia. Every man is forced into marrying all of his female cousins at the age of 12. Over the years this has lead to several genetic mutations, but even better stories, such as the origin of Paris Hilton. Utahns make these mutations extremely evident when they name their children. In accordance to the state law, all names must be formed by putting 20 names from the Book of Mormon into a blender and setting it on "milkshake" for 30 seconds. And yes, they blend.
Utah is one of the "unknown" states. While it's inhabitants believe that the state resides on the West Coast, other states have their own placement. For example, Southern states place Utah in the Midwest. Midwestern states place Utah in the Rockies. The Rockies place Utah in the Eastern states. And the Eastern states place it somewhere in the West. However, most cartographers agree that Utah has one of the saltiest lakes of the country.
Mormons think that Utah is the United States of America and Idaho is Canada. Mormons take frequent trips to St.George and Moab; also known as the Massachusetts and Kentucky of Utah.
Note in the map, the blank spot is Kentucky, where Mormons (virtually everyone in Utah) claimed it as the "Garden of Eden" where Adam and Eve lived. I thought everyone in "Happy Valley" claimed Utopia their home. - - Note, the blank spot on the map should be Missouri, because Independence Missouri is the supposed "site of the garden of eden"
Also the purple spot is where the lost tribe of Israelites (i.e. Navajos, Apaches and Mexicans) inhabited the "Promised Land" for only the Dead White Males leading the Mormon settlers killed all of them darkies off.
Utah's hatred of Wyoming is a result of vast cultural differences between the two states, as well as a bad experience had there by Mormon pioneers in the mid-1800s (if you think driving through Wyoming in a minivan with your family is tough, try it while pushing a cart). Nowadays, the rivalry mainly plays out in the form of intercollegiate athletics. Both the University of Utah and BYU have hard fought rivalries with the University of Wyoming. Wyoming fans hate BYU fans bringing their bad driving to Laramie, while BYU fans hate Wyoming fans showing up to their stadium drunk. Wyoming is rarely successful in beating Utah or BYU, but when they do, it's a glorious day for both human and cow residents of the state.
Utah's climate is extremely diverse. It's so diverse that the weather is nearly impossible for anyone, especially meteorologists to predict. We do have areas with cold harsh winters with lots of snow and areas where snow is relatively uncommon. In the north and mountains, days are hot, but nights are cool. In the southwest and in lower valleys summer temperatures pretty much bake your brains out, as evidenced by reading the editorial pages in most papers here. Most tourists seem to love going to the hottest and driest places in July and August, and we Utahans are fine with that. One of the most interesting features of our climate are inversions. These are magnificent anomalies of weather that cause cold air to be trapped by warmer air above. This often happens in Winter in valleys throughout Utah. Often wondrous things happen during these sometimes month-long events. Ice crystals form on everything and create a winter wonderland of delights, and lots of traffic deaths due to black ice and ice covered windshields (it's actually thought to be against the law in Utah to clean ice off of windshields). Then the sunsets through the inversions - wow! All of the vehicle exhaust, industrial air pollution, dust, and salt spray from the roads creates beautiful colors, not to mention asthma, bronchial distress, and days where children are warned not to play outdoors.
The primary import of Utah is body fat. There is no shade in Utah; some individuals have tried to import shade, without success. There also exists an underground distribution of LDS, mostly given to impressionable and rebellious teenagers.
Utah has a diversity of farms. They have farms that grow food. They have farms that raise animals and turn them into food. Many Utah animal farms consist of cows, chickens, pigs, cats, dogs, and pigeons. These farms sell the animal meat to grocery stores and restaurants. The bigger more high end stores usually buy the meat from the cows chickens and pigs. The lower end of restaurants purchase the dog cat and pigeon meat and pass it of as beef pork and chicken.
Utah votes Republican. That's pretty much all that can be said. There simply are no Democrats in Utah except that Scott Matheson guy they pretty much worship. Nonetheless many non-Uthans vote for Democratic candidates preventing what would be 100% Republican. There are recently two Mormons running for the republican nomination for presidency, Mitt Romney Who owned the rights to all 2002 Salt Lake olympics merchandise, and John Huntsman Jr. who at one point used to own Utah, until he sold it back to the United States to lead the fight against communism in china. Now both men plan to infiltrate the government and plant a strict guidelines of morals and principles into the US government. Studies show that politicians in Utah who advocate for the practice of anal sex between married couples, win elections by at least twenty percent of the vote.
You're welcome to live here, as long as you're one of us. All members of other religions besides Mormonism must be relocated to special enjoyment camps for recreation purposes. Registration is mandatory and you must give your first born to the Spaghetti Monster of Kolob.
Note: Inbreeding is completely legal in Utah and is encouraged by the Inbreeding Law 2902 of 1905, which states all cousins must produce one baby within 5 years of turning 18 (14 in some rare instances when Idaho residents are involved). NCMO is also a popular form of recreation which also applies to people from out of state. A large number of NCMO participants come from Ohio and are Mormon. There are a high number of Californians who live in Utah for an unknown reason, a research team is currently investigating the mysterious Californian migration, early investigations lead many to believe that the large number of meth factories has brought many Californians to Utah for new opportunities to work in the meth production industry as well as a curious fascination with the supposed Spaghetti Monster that lives underneath one of the thousands of unnamed streets in a glass room. Californians are probably bringing the meth because Californians suck and California sucks.
Also, travelers to Utah should be aware that only right-hand turns are allowed. Anyone found turning left will be cited for insurrection.
A side note is to be aware of the time anomaly. Because of Utah's unique location in the time space continuum, when arriving in Utah, one must remember to set his or her calendar back 50 years. Utah has tried to correct this time anomaly by installing special freeway signs and building a carpool lane, in hopes this will remedy the situation.
Unfortunately the local culture is limited by the amount of inbreeding, but does provide for some fun truth-or-dare games at family get-togethers.
Utah is the Birthplace of Jazz Music, hence the name of their Professional Basketball team.
Utahs influence on Cinema and media
Utah and its religion have been the butt of many jokes on TV and in movies. Without Utah and the Mormons the creators of south park would have no material for their show. Utah is the home of the Sundance film festival. The festival is named after Robert Redfords estate Sundance, which he named after a character he created for a movie role the Sundance kid. Many believe that the Sundance Kid was the sidekick of Butch Kassidy, but that is false. Robert Redford created him because he thought he could turn a little lie into history. Now we all believe him. Many praise-worthy films have been flimed in Utah. Mission impossible two was flimed in the beautiful city of moab, after word came that the star of the movie Tom Cruise was a Scientologist he was banned from ever returning again. Dumb and dumber was filmed in Utah. Napoleon Dynamite was filmed by Utahns, in Utah's northern colony of Idaho. The sand lot was a movie filmed in Utah.
The University of Utah Runnin' (and bagpipe playing) Utes pinball team and the Brigham Young University Flaming Mountain Lions cicket team are the most recognized college sports teams across the nation. While many Utahns follow the BYU Cougars, they are led into the abysmal gale of fateful reconnaissance.
The Utah Jazz is the only professional team. They became so only after being stolen from their Southern slave masters.
The Real Salt Lake was recently relegated to the 5A Utah High School Sports Association, thus releasing their "professional" status.
Utah almost had a professional Football team, but the guy planning to buy them mistook the Spanish term futbol for football and bought a soccer team instead.
Mail box baseball is a fun pastime of small towners, same as cow tipping
Utah consists of streets with no names. In 1811, Joseph Smith declared street names unethical, and that all other states who used such names would be cast into the burning pits of Hell. Thus, no streets are named, for fear of the Devil's wrath upon the land. This also contributed greatly to the wealth of U2, providing them with their single and greatest hit.
The main attraction of Utah is the Olympics and strange pale alien hybrid cult followers who believe they will inherit a planet one day if they kill all the pixies and rid the world of Coca-Cola, the root of all evil.
Those more adventurous may wish to climb the Jar-Jar Binks Mountain of Unsold Sex Toys.
And Don't forget to stop by the incredibly growing-then-shrinking Great Salt Lake or locally known as "the huge shit stink", where Seagulls fly by to die and the Mormons are thankful that an annual migration of birds dine out on those tasty little Crickets who ate up the crops: sounds like nature to me.
Utahs Mountains are a beautiful attraction, they are home to bears deer, elk, squirrels, cougars, sasquatch, and the unibomber once called them his home.
The endangered species of Utah is the right-hand lane. Right-hand lanes are prone to vanish at any moment, without warning. If you see a right-hand lane, be wary of its endangered status, and stay far away.
Oddly, there are a large assortment of center turning lanes that take up nearly 3/4 of the entire road. For this reason, there is no room for a right lane. In some cases, there is no lane but the center turn lane.
God described the streets of Utah as "My private Purgatory."
Two-piece swimsuits are also an endangered species in Utopia.
Teenagers are susceptible to being a billboard for vintage clothes companies. e.g. Converse, Abercrobie, Aeropostale, Hollister, Big Gay Al's, Converse, American Eagle, Volcom, Quiksilver, Converse, etc. Many parents also wear brands of the sort which is partly related to the shrinking parent-child age gap. If girls under 17 do not have at least one child they must hold in their period for one week. It is also a requirement that at the age of 35 you must have 10 kids and get a divorce and marry another person who has had 10 kids. Then have 10 more kids, rinse and repeat when necessary. There are usually a school or church related dance every Saturday. Play productions happen every 4 days. Boys involved in play productions are not classified a being a fag.
- Being a fag is an "in" thing in this country of Utah.
People assume that your have 2 wives when you're in high school anyways.
Pot parties usually happen on Tuesday and Friday nights at the richest and/or most Mormonistic Nazi person's house. People use the word "like" between every word they say. This valley girl syndrome is the way real men speak in this region. If you try to conform with the Mormons, never tell them that you are not part of the LSD church. Your identity is the one thing your should never reveal. One Moron, Moremoms, Mormone, Hermione, Mormon <-this one- can use Satan sense and instantaneously inform everyone they your going to a place that doesn't exist to them (Hell). Watch out for Mormons and Mormondar lines such as, "When do you have seminary?" or, "What ward are you in?" These Questions can reveal your normal self.
Corn mazes are very popular among teens and the elderly.
Utah fashion consists of "mom" jeans, long sleeved dresses with pants worn under, capris (on guys), and male teenagers have a trend of wearing their little sisters pants.
Currently, Utah is the happiest state in all of the world because of its status as the holy land, and the frequent use of anti-depressants (happy pills).. Because liberals are jealous of Mormons, they have falsely declared Utah as the saddest state in all 50 states. Not only that, but they also go as far as to claim that Utah has the highest raping rate in all 50 states. Do not trust those nutty liberals! They are speakers of Satan and speak lies, LIES!
Oh, yes, it's NOT rape if you're married to the children, it's a healthy Utah father/daughters relationship. Since men are the only allowed sensus-takers and state representatives in Utah,all that is shown to the public eye is sexually-satisfied sunshine. Jerusalem is the Holy Land and Utah's road construction is the biggest prank the government has ever pulled. Roads are torn up with the promise of being fixed, and then the workers just...leave hahaha.
Schools in the Country of Utopia are a loose grouping of down-syndrome children and 4.0 students allocated in large toolsheds. There is a gap between elementary and high schools in education (often referred to as junior high). Hunting season is a school holiday otherwise schools always stay open, even if four feet of snow falls overnight.
Utah schools are required to recruit at least 3 African American students to attend, 20 Polynesians, 1 native American, 100 Mexicans, and unlimited caucasians to receive state funding.
Elementary school is where small Utopian Children are taught the teachings of the great Utopian teacher: Television. In addition, every time a new family moves into the neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher due to the influx of 20+ students.
In junior highs (known outside of the Great Country of Utopia as middle schools), students are required to learn proper kitten huffing techniques and to lose their virginity.
Non-Mormons in high school are abnormally common with a four parts per million ratio. Reflecting Utah's Aryan heritage, in high school, it is illegal to wear anything but Hollister, American Eagle, Aeropostle or Abercrombie. Each article of clothing must also have an obnoxiously large logo, resembling a billboard or internet ad. Windows are also illegal in Utopian schools. Should the power go out (as it often does, due to shortages of kittens used in the incinerators), all cell phones are used as light. Kitten huffing is the most popular sport.
Boys: Missionary clothes.
Girls: Must wear a dress. The dress must not reveal any neck, wrist, body, ankle, back, cleavage, body, midsection, cleavage, etc. Prom queen is the girl that most resembles a turtle or aardvark (bonus points for both).
Note: Due to a recent growth in the "gentile" population, dresses showing knees have been permitted at dances, though this claim is unsubstantiated.
More present day
Utah continues to be an enclave of Christian fundamentalism.
- In 2000 Utah took a bold step by no longer using tax money to pay for public education. Utah's public education system is funded using all the funds from the Utah State Lottery.
- There is no Utah State Lottery.
- FACT: Adult stores by law can not have more than 15% of the items on the sales floor be adult toys... it's a sex shop.
- FACT: Any beverage containing more than 4.0% alcohol by volume is considered liquor, and can only be sold in state liquor stores.
- FACT: Alcoholic beverages served in restaurants MUST be served with food, and must be consumed in the same location you ordered the beverage from.
- They are now trying to criminalize beer.
- In 2001, Utah institutions of higher learning have become revenue generation sources, eliminating the need for taxation to support any form of education at all. Money collected from unsuspecting students now goes to the state general fund, to help finance Cold Fusion research and theories about Global Cooling.
- In 2006 Utah will become the first state to require teachers to teach the theory of The Flying Spaghetti Monster in all high school classes. The state endorses Spaghetti Monsterism because its teachings are close to that of the Mormon Church.
- Also in 2006 State Senator Chris Buttars, with support from the Eagle Fourm and Utah Jazz owner Larry H Miller, introduced a bill forcing all gay people in the state to relocate to Wyoming and live as sheepherders.
- In 2006 Utah's governor discovered he was under the mind control of Mormons .
- As of now, Utah is the richest state, and the only one to utilize Golden Plates as a currency, a Jarring contrast from the other 49 state's currency (Green, numbered Toilet paper), the state is also filled with the most Mormons, creatures of Habit, always wearing a White shirt, with Necktie, and Black jeans, don't let the Disguise fool you, they have already Brainwashed all of Utah, you could be next.
- It is the only place Utahraptor are not found