Utah

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Utopia
The Great Spade fer Utawh!
YOOOO-tah
Utah.png Califate-Utah.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Our Jesus is better than your Jesus"
Anthem: "Saturday's Warrior"
Location Utah.png
Capital Park City
Largest city Salt Lake City
Official language(s) A mix of Hebrew and Egyptian known as Utahnics
Government Mormocracy
Eternal President
Czar
Military Commander
Joseph Smith
Roseanne Barr
Black Jesus
National Hero(es) Brigham Young
Ted Bundy
Ken Jennings
Donny Osmond
Steve Young
Declaration
 of Independence
July 24, 1847
Currency Golden Plates
Religion Raw stupidity from a municipal source

Utopia (also known as "The State Of Go-Lawn" or "Go-Loan" or "Goal-On") is a kind of large fruit found in the middle of the American fruit salad. The main varieties of Utopians include polygamist, Johnny Come Lately, missionary, Ted Bundy, and Blonde Delicious. Some varieties of NCMO girls occur especially around universities.

Originally only found in the State of Dessert, Utopians are extremely square, but not as square as Wyoming or Colorado.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Utah.

History[edit]

In 1847, highly reasonable and scientific religious lunaticss in search of a home where they could freely practice their religion found Utopia. These pioneers, the Ute Indians, drove the native Mormons out of Utopia and named the state after themselves. Despite the fact that the indigenous Mormons had been in Utopia for thousands of years, the Utes raped their lands and defiled their women. They proceeded to found Lake City on the burnt villages and charred corpses of the innocent white man.

Later, the Ute Indians would kill the last remaining white man in Utopia at the Mountain Meadows Massacre. No one has seen a white man in the wild since the late 19th century. However, Utah's Hogle Zoo has a taxidermy interpretation of what a white man might look like today.

During the 1890s, noted Utopian and inventor Al Gore was contracted to work for the CIA. Gore made great breakthroughs which helped his efforts in creating both the internet and pants. While those inventions would help him later in life, the immediate result was the invention of salt. The CIA purchased this new substance with the intention of using it as a chemical weapon. The government tested this new weapon on the large lake in Utopia hoping to poison every citizen within fifty miles.

This salt only turned that large lake into a salty body. From that point forward both The Great Lake, and Lake City were renamed to accommodate the newly found saltiness. The Great Salt Lake didn't suffer, and Salt Lake City continued to thrive as a propaganda factory. The CIA was forced to abandon its plans to poison the Great Lakes, and invade Canada. Until the year 2147 when Canada nearly destroyed America. Peru bought them off with a year's supply of unsalted cheese-and-onion crisps instead!

In 1999, there was a war between Wyoming and Utah called the Corner War. This war was fought over which of the two states would get to be a four sided rectangular state. Obviously, Wyoming won the war, leaving Utah in the state it's in.[1] Had Utah won the war, its citizens wouldn't have to drive out of state anymore to get illegal fireworks because Evanston would be a city within the beautiful rectangular state of Utah. Most historians contribute the success of Wyoming during the war to their use of futuristic weapons. Many of which can be found on the List of weapons that don't exist, but should.

The Corner War

Families of Utah[edit]

In 1237 Brigham Young and Lord Xenu enacted polygamy in all of Utopia. Every man is forced into marrying all his female cousins at the age of 12. Over the years this has lead to several genetic mutations, but even better stories, such as the origin of Paris Hilton. Utahns make these mutations extremely evident when they name their children. In accordance to the state law, all names must be formed by putting twenty names from the Book of Mormon into a blender and setting it on "milkshake" for thirty seconds. And yes, they blend.

Geography[edit]

Utah is one of the "unknown" states. While its inhabitants believe the state resides on the West Coast, other states have their own placement. For example, Southern states place Utah in the Midwest. Midwestern states place Utah in the Rockies. The Rockies place Utah in the Eastern states. And the Eastern states place it somewhere in the West. However, most cartographers agree that Utah has one of the saltiest lakes of the country.

Mormons think Utah is the United States of America and Idaho is Canada. Mormons take frequent trips to St. George and Moab, also known as the Massachusetts and Kentucky of Utah. Utah's relationship with America

Note in the map, the blank spot is Kentucky, where Mormons (virtually everyone in Utah) claimed it as the "Garden of Eden" where Adam and Eve lived. I thought everyone in "Happy Valley" claimed Utopia their home. Note, the blank spot on the map should be Missouri, because Independence Missouri is the supposed "site of the garden of eden".

Also the purple spot is where the lost tribe of Israelites (Navajos, Apaches and Mexicans) inhabited the "Promised Land" for only the Dead White Males leading the Mormon settlers killed all them darkies off.

Utah's hatred of Wyoming is a result of vast cultural differences between the two states, as well as a bad experience had there by Mormon pioneers in the mid-1800s.[2] Nowadays, the rivalry mainly plays out in the form of intercollegiate athletics. Both the University of Utah and BYU have hard fought rivalries with the University of Wyoming. Wyoming fans hate BYU fans bringing their bad driving to Laramie, while BYU fans hate Wyoming fans showing up to their stadium drunk. Wyoming is rarely successful in beating Utah or BYU, but when they do, it's a glorious day for both human and bovine residents.

Climate[edit]

Utah's climate is extremely diverse. It's so diverse that the weather is nearly impossible for anyone, especially meteorologists, to predict. There are areas with cold harsh winters with lots of snow and areas where snow is relatively uncommon. In the north and mountains, days are hot but nights are cool. In the southwest and in lower valleys summer temperatures pretty much bake your brains out, as evidenced by reading the editorial pages in most papers here. Most tourists seem to love going to the hottest and driest places in July and August, and Utahans are fine with that. One of the most interesting features of Utah's climate are inversions. These are magnificent anomalies of weather which cause cold air to be trapped by warmer air above. This often happens in Winter in valleys throughout Utah. Often wondrous things happen during these sometimes month-long events. Ice crystals form on everything and create a winter wonderland of delights, and lots of traffic deaths due to black ice and ice covered windshields.[3] Then the sunsets through the inversions – wow! All the vehicle exhaust, industrial air pollution, dust, and salt spray from the roads creates beautiful colors, not to mention asthma, bronchial distress, and days where children are warned not to play outdoors.

Fatman2.jpg

Economy[edit]

The primary import of Utah is body fat. There is no shade in Utah; some individuals have tried to import shade, without success. There also exists an underground distribution of LDS, mostly given to impressionable and rebellious teenagers.

Utah also benefits from one of the largest uncounted concentrations of Roma people, being one of the only places in the world (besides Honduras) that do not collect gypsy tax.

Agriculture[edit]

Utah has a diversity of farms. They have farms that grow food. They have farms that raise animals and turn them into food. Many Utah animal farms consist of cows, chickens, pigs, cats, dogs, and pigeons. These farms sell the animal meat to grocery stores and restaurants. The bigger more high end stores usually buy the meat from the cows chickens and pigs. The lower end of restaurants purchase the dog cat and pigeon meat and pass it of as beef pork and chicken.

Politics[edit]

Utah votes Republican. That's pretty much all that can be said. There simply are no Democrats in Utah except that Scott Matheson guy they pretty much worship. Nonetheless many non-Uthans vote for Democratic candidates preventing what would be 100% Republican. There are recently two Mormons running for the Republican nomination for presidency, Mitt Romney Who owned the rights to all 2002 Salt Lake olympics merchandise, and John Huntsman Jr. who at one point owned Utah, until he sold it back to the United States to lead the fight against communism in China. Now both men plan to infiltrate the government and plant a strict guidelines of morals and principles into the US government. Studies show that politicians in Utah who advocate for the practice of anal sex between married couples win elections by at least twenty percent.

Culture[edit]

This man is a Texan. Utahns are much better dressed.

You're welcome to live here, as long as you're one of us. All members of other religions besides Mormonism must be relocated to special enjoyment camps for recreation purposes. Registration is mandatory and you must give your first born to the Spaghetti Monster of Kolob.

Inbreeding is completely legal in Utah and is encouraged by the Inbreeding Law 2902 of 1905, which states all cousins must produce one baby within five years of turning 18 (14 in some rare instances when Idaho residents are involved). There are a high number of Californians who live in Utah for an unknown reason, a research team is currently investigating the mysterious Californian migration, early investigations lead many to believe that the large number of meth factories has brought many Californians to Utah for new opportunities to work in the meth production industry as well as a curious fascination with the supposed Spaghetti Monster that lives underneath one of the thousands of unnamed streets in a glass room. Californians are probably bringing the meth because Californians suck and California sucks.

Also, travelers to Utah should be aware that only right-hand turns are allowed. Anyone found turning left will be cited for insurrection.

A side note is to be aware of the time anomaly. Because of Utah's unique location in the time space continuum, when arriving in Utah, one must remember to set his or her calendar back fifty years. Utah has tried to correct this time anomaly by installing special freeway signs and building a carpool lane, in hopes this will remedy the situation.

Unfortunately the local culture is limited by the amount of inbreeding, but does provide for some fun truth-or-dare games at family get-togethers.

Utah is the birthplace of jazz music, hence the name of their professional basketball team.

Influence on cinema and media[edit]

Utah and its religion have been the butt of many jokes on TV and in movies. Without Utah and the Mormons the creators of South Park would have no material for their show. Utah is the home of the Sundance Film Festival. The festival is named after Robert Redford's estate, which he named after a character he created for a movie role. Many believe the Sundance Kid was the sidekick of Butch Cassidy, but that is false. Robert Redford created him because he thought he could turn a little lie into history. Now we all believe him. Many praise-worthy films have been filmed in Utah. Mission: Impossible II was filmed in the beautiful city of Moab, after word came that the star of the movie, Tom Cruise, was a Scientologist. Dumb and Dumber was filmed in Utah. Napoleon Dynamite was filmed by Utahians, in Utah's northern colony of Idaho. The Sand Lot was a movie filmed in Utah.

Sports[edit]

The University of Utah Runnin' (and bagpipe playing) Utes pinball team and the Brigham Young University Flaming Mountain Lions cricket team are the most recognized college sports teams across the nation. While many Utahns follow the B.Y.U. Cougars, they are led into the abysmal gale of fateful reconnaissance.

The Utah Jazz is the only professional team. They became so only after being stolen from their Southern slave masters.

The Real Salt Lake was recently relegated to the 5A Utah High School Sports Association, thus releasing their "professional" status.

Utah almost had a professional football team, but the guy planning to buy them mistook the Spanish term "futbol" for "football" and bought a soccer team instead.

Mailbox baseball is a fun pastime of small towners, as is cow tipping.

Sightseeing[edit]

NCMO license.jpg

Utah consists of streets with no names. In 1811, Joseph Smith declared street names unethical, and that all other states who used such names would be cast into the burning pits of Hell. Thus, no streets are named, for fear of the Devil's wrath upon the land. This also contributed greatly to the wealth of U2, providing them with their single and greatest hit.

The main attraction of Utah is the Olympics and strange pale alien hybrid cult followers who believe they will inherit a planet one day if they kill all the pixies and rid the world of Coca-Cola, the root of all evil.

Other attractions include Human Fire-Breather Rocky Anderson and the Amazing Nail-Eater Matthew "The Jackass" Godfrey.

Those more adventurous may wish to climb the Jar-Jar Binks Mountain of Unsold Sex Toys.

Don't forget to stop by the incredibly growing-then-shrinking Great Salt Lake, locally known as "the huge shit stink", where Seagulls fly by to die and the Mormons are thankful that an annual migration of birds dine out on those tasty little crickets who ate up the crops: sounds like nature to me.

Utah's mountains are a beautiful attraction, home to bears, deer, elk, squirrels, cougars. Sasquatch and the Unibomber once called them home.

Habitat[edit]

The endangered species of Utah is the right-hand lane. Right-hand lanes are prone to vanish at any moment, without warning. If you see a right-hand lane, be wary of its endangered status, and stay far away.

Oddly, there is a large assortment of center turning lanes that take up nearly three-fourths of the entire road. For this reason, there is no room for a right lane. In some cases, there is no lane but the center turn lane.

God described the streets of Utah as "My private Purgatory".

Two-piece swimsuits are an endangered species in Utopia.

Lifestyle[edit]

Teenagers are susceptible to being a billboard for vintage clothes companies, e.g. Converse, Abercrobie, Aeropostale, Hollister, Big Gay Al's, Converse, American Eagle, Volcom, Quiksilver, and Converse. Many parents also wear brands of the sort which is partly related to the shrinking parent-child age gap. If girls under 17 do not have at least one child they must hold in their period for one week. It is also a requirement that at the age of 35 you must have ten kids and get a divorce and marry another person who has had ten kids. Then have ten more kids, rinse, repeat. There is usually a school- or church-related dance every Saturday. Play productions happen every four days. Boys involved in play productions are not classified a being a fag. Being a fag is an "in" thing in this country of Utah. People assume that you already have at least two wives when you're in high school anyways.

Pot parties usually happen on Tuesday and Friday nights at the most Mormonistic Nazi person's house. People use the word "like" between every word they say. This valley girl syndrome is the way real men speak in this region. If you try to conform with the Mormons, never tell them you are not part of the LDS church. Your identity is the one thing you should never reveal. One Moron, Moremoms, Mormone, Hermione, Mormon[4] can use Satan sense and instantaneously inform everyone they your going to a place that doesn't exist to them.[5] Watch out for Mormons and Mormondar lines such as, "When do you have seminary?" or, "What ward are you in?" These questions can reveal your normal self.

Corn mazes are very popular among teens and the elderly.

Utah fashion consists of "mom" jeans, long sleeved dresses with pants worn under, capris (on guys), and male teenagers have a trend of wearing their little sisters' pants.

Happiness[edit]

Currently, Utah is the happiest state in the U.S. because of its status as the holy land, and the frequent use of anti-depressants (happy pills). Because liberals are jealous of Mormons, they have falsely declared Utah as the saddest state in the nation. Not only that, they also go as far as to claim Utah has the highest rape rate in the United States. Do not trust those nutty liberals! They are speakers of Satan and speak lies, LIES!

Oh yes, it's not rape if you're married to the children – that's a healthy Utah father–daughter relationship. Since men are the only allowed census-takers and state representatives in Utah, all that is shown to the public eye is sexually-satisfied sunshine. Jerusalem is the Holy Land and Utah's road construction is the biggest prank the government has ever pulled. Roads are torn up with the promise of being fixed, and then the workers just ... leave.

Schools[edit]

Schools in the Country of Utopia are a loose grouping of Down syndrome children and 4.0 students allocated in large toolsheds. There is a gap between elementary and high schools in education (often referred to as junior high). Hunting season is a school holiday otherwise schools always stay open, even if four feet of snow falls overnight.

2006 Utah Teacher of the Year, Television #984A4

Utah schools are required to recruit at least three African American students to attend; twenty Polynesians, a Native American, a hundred Mexicans, and unlimited Caucasians to receive state funding.

Elementary school[edit]

Elementary school is where small Utopian children are taught the teachings of the great Utopian teacher: Television. In addition, every time a new family moves into the neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher due to the influx of 20-plus students.

Junior high[edit]

In junior highs (known outside the Great Country of Utopia as middle schools), students are required to learn proper kitten huffing techniques and to lose their virginity.

Practicing the penis ritual

High school[edit]

Non-Mormons in high school are abnormally common with a four parts per million ratio. Reflecting Utah's Aryan heritage, in high school, it is illegal to wear anything but Hollister, American Eagle, Aeropostle or Abercrombie. Each article of clothing must also have an obnoxiously large logo, resembling a billboard or internet ad. Windows are also illegal in Utopian schools. Should the power go out (as it often does, due to shortages of kittens used in the incinerators), all cell phones are used as light. Kitten huffing is the most popular sport.

Dance attire[edit]

Boys: missionary clothes.

Girls must wear a dress. The dress must not reveal any neck, wrist, body, ankle, back, midsection, or cleavage. Prom queen is the girl who most resembles a turtle or aardvark (bonus points for both).

Note: Due to a recent growth in the "gentile" population, dresses showing knees have been permitted at dances, though this claim is unsubstantiated.

More present day[edit]

Utah continues to be an enclave of Christian fundamentalism.

  • In 2000 Utah took a bold step by no longer using tax money to pay for public education. Utah's public education system is funded using all the funds from the Utah State Lottery.
  • There is no Utah State Lottery.
  • Adult stores by law can not have more than 15% of the items on the sales floor be adult toys ... it's a sex shop.
  • Any beverage containing more than 4.0% alcohol by volume is considered liquor, and can be sold only in state liquor stores.
  • Alcoholic beverages served in restaurants MUST be served with food, and must be consumed in the same location you ordered the beverage from.
  • They are now trying to criminalize beer.
  • In 2001, Utah institutions of higher learning have become revenue generation sources, eliminating the need for taxation to support any form of education at all. Money collected from unsuspecting students now goes to the state general fund, to help finance Cold Fusion research and theories about global cooling.
  • In 2006 Utah became the first state requiring teachers to teach the theory of The Flying Spaghetti Monster in all high school classes. The state endorses Spaghetti Monsterism because its teachings are close to that of the Mormon Church.
  • Also in 2006 State Senator Chris Buttars, with support from the Eagle Forum and Utah Jazz owner Larry H. Miller, introduced a bill forcing all gay people in the state to relocate to Wyoming and live as sheepherders.
  • In 2006 Utah's governor discovered he was under the mind control of Mormons.
  • As of now, Utah is the richest state, and the only one to utilize Golden Plates as a currency, a jarring contrast from the other 49 states' currency (Green, numbered toilet paper), the state is also filled with the most Mormons, creatures of habit, always wearing a white shirt, with necktie, and black jeans, don't let the disguise fool you, they have already brainwashed all of Utah, you could be next.
  • It is the only place Utahraptors are not found.

Notes[edit]

  1. pun intended
  2. If you think driving through Wyoming in a minivan with your family is tough, try it while pushing a cart.
  3. It's against the law in Utah to clean ice off of windshields.
  4. this one
  5. Hell