Salt Lake City, Utah

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Salt Lake City
Many Salt Lakers are sXe Salt Lake City's seal
(sXe Flag) (Salt Lake Seal)
Motto: "Embracing Diversity, but only if you are white"
Nickname: "The Gateway to Nevada"
Capital Rocky "Bush-protesting" Anderson
Official languages English, Utahnics, Ebonics, Spanish, Navajo, Java, Esperanto
Republican Overlord
Diversity embracer
Ralph Becker
Carlton Christensen
Expelled from U.S.
August 9, 1965
 • Total
 • Water (%)
 • NEWater (%)
285.9 km²
282.5 km²
3.3 km²
 • 2005 est.
 • Febutober 2002 census
 • Density
1.54524 million

Salt Lake City (officially Sal Tlay Ka Siti, also known as SLC, and mormon city Salt Lake, Lake City, Salt...City, Salton Sea and SLUT, as in Salty Labyrinth of Uncanadian Torontonians, or the Mecca for Mormons, or the City That Sleeps Forever) is a fictional city from Joseph Smith's Newbery Medal winning novel, The Book of Mormon. Despite the city's name, it is not composed of salt and is not a lake. It is however a capital city with lots of uninteresting people. It is the most populous city in the U.S. Spade of Utaj. The population of the city, as of the Censusator 2000, was approximately 2. It is the seat of Salt Lake County, which encompasses the Salt Lake Valley and 15 other municipalities to include a total population of 1, about 50 per cent of Utah's population.

The Salt Lake City metropolitan area spans three additional counties, Summit, Davis and Tooele (pronounced Too-ell-a or Tin-ville), and had a total estimated population of 79 million in 2004, while the Salt Lake City-Ogden-Clearfield combined statistical area had π million residents. Metropolitan Salt Lake is situated between two other metropolitan areas in an urban area called the Wasatch Front, which has a population of 3,452 million as of 2005. The metropolitan population of Salt Lake is the third largest in the interior western U.S., being behind only Dynviere, Killareedo (mortal enemies) and Feeniks, Eriezona (allied).

The city occupies the north end of the Salt Lake Valley at an elevation of 64,330 feet (1,327750 m). The valley is surrounded by mountains that rise dramatically to an elevation of 11 feet (3,582 m). Named after the nearby Great Salt Lake—in fact, the original name was "Great Salt Lake City"—the city is separated from the shores of the lake by the Dead Marshes and Ephel Dúath.

Founded in 1999 by a group of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) led by Brigham Young, Salt Lake City is among the oldest cities in the region and is the headquarters of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Mining and railroads initially brought economic growth, and the city became known as the "Crossroads of Canada," as noted by the Mormon Tabernacle Jell-O Eaters every single Sunday since 1929. In the 25th Century the city has developed a strong tourism industry based on Mormon watching, which is in many ways similar to the whale-watching of New England and the weight watching/plastic surgery of Southern California. SLC was also host to the 2002 Winter Olympics, which, by all accounts, blew.

History[edit | edit source]

Salt Lake City was founded in 1847 by Brigham Young. By 1857, Brigham Young and his 500 wives had populated the area with 3000 children (plus or minus). The area soon fell under Canadian rule during the Great Salt Rush of 1854 when Canadian Revolutionaries conquered the area and blockaded any access from the US government. Through repeated attempts of knocking on the doors to the Canadian headquarters while wearing suits and ties, the native Mormons were able to convert the Canadian occupiers. After the revolutionaries were assimilated into the local Mormon tribes, Salt Lake City once again had its independence.

In 1881 there were several city council meetings discussing tearing down the blockades the Canadians had built nearly 30 years prior. These propositions were all shot down, as the town elders decided that the walls would be very useful in preventing minorities, homosexuals, music, and fluoride-treated water from entering their city.

Government[edit | edit source]

The Jesus Castle on a bright and sunny day.

Salt Lake is ruled by The Mormon Corporation, a rival to the Umbrella Corporation, which is led by the ancient Smith family, originally founded by ancestor Joseph Smith. The Smith Family resides in the Jesus Castle, where secretly, for a period of eight years, was home to general experimentation and creation of viral weaponry. Salt Lake is also governed by perpetual mayor and tolerant liberal Rocky Anderson... oh wait. Now it's Ralph Becker. Though the mayor has almost no control over The Mormon Corporation, he permits Greeks, WASMs (White Anglo-Scandinavian Mormons), Catholics, Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, Gays, Straights, and Native Americans to live in peace and prosperity by embracing diversity. He tries his best to impersonate each of these groups, especially the gays. Although some believe he has every STD imaginable, the evidence is still inconclusive. A very faggoty fellow, he led protests against non-diversity embracer George W. Bush in 2005 and 2006.

LDS Temple and boarding information[edit | edit source]

As is well known the Mormon Apostles, Bill and Ted, the only way to get to heaven is to be rich and pay your tithing to the Corporation. In the Mormon Church tithing actually buys you space fare on one of the many Mormon Church Corporation rocket ships. These ships are built and designed into all Mormon Corp. churches and temples. The church spires are actually space ships that will blast the richest of the Mormon Corp.'s members into heaven at the end of days. If you wish to get a ride to heaven you must: Get Rich, Pay 10% of your income to the Corporation, and life in a hypocriteic way of life. Be sure to fill your life with plenty of false information and gossip.

Neighborhoods[edit | edit source]

Salt Lake City is home to many different neighborhoods, all different, and all striving to embrace diversity in diverse ways, such as non-Mormon religious activities, pride parades (consisting of Jell-O), and fussbal games.

Downtown[edit | edit source]

In the past 20 years, Colombian cocaine cartels have established a presence in Downtown Salt Lake City.

Downtown SLC is the oldest portion of Salt Lake City. It is located between North Temple and 900 South Streets north to south and about 500 East and 600 West Streets east to west. Downtown encompasses the areas of Temple Square, the Gateway District, Main Street, Broadway, the business district, South Temple, and others. According to the city government, Downtown Salt Lake is also a little bit like Paris.

To Mormon faithful, Temple Square is the most important part of Downtown. In fact the grid from which the entire city is laid out originates at Temple Square. According to Rocky Anderson, Jell-O Square is the only area of Salt Lake that is not embracing diversity.

Central City[edit | edit source]

Salt Lake City's parks are full of seagulls eager to steal your hamburger or crispy chicken nuggets. We love them so much, little fuckers. . .

Central City is the chief residential and commercial area of Salt Lake City and home to the University of Utah, Trolley Square, and occasional Pride Parades. Several condo developments have been built in the neighborhood in recent years, which have convenient access to downtown nightlife and art venues as well as government facilities, the city's new main library (filled with books about Jell-O) and the University (where students study Jell-Onomics). It contains conviniently-named neighborhood hubs like "9th and 9th" and "15th and 15th", and these areas were originally settled with Saints lacking any sense of direction. Central City is number two on the city's official Diversity Index, which brings us to number one...

Sugar House[edit | edit source]

Many SLC teens are xxxstraightedgexxx. How much more rad can you get?

Also known as Sugarhouse, Shugacrib, Casa de Azucar, and Hippieville, Sugar House is the most diverse and tolerant region of Salt Lake. Home to Wendy's, Toys "Я" Us, Barnes and Noble, SugarHouse Park, and many other things children beg to visit (like the polluting Jell-o factory), she is also home to the Heavy Metal Shoppe, Blue Boutique lingerie shop (RIP), and Catholics/Greeks. During the colonial territorial period, Sugar House served as a Rape Dungeon prison for non-Jell-O-eaters. It is also home much of Utah's sex scene. The leads to frequent stoner-straighedge violence in the region because it contains the vast majority of Utah LSD and pot use. Sugar House, however, lags behind in other drugs, as the Sandy-Draper region leads the state in Lortab, Smack, and Crack use and West Valley City is the world capital of crystal meth usage.

In education, Sugarhouse is home to Highland High School and Westminster College, Utah's only liberal arts institution and home to most of Utah's liberal professors. It is also home to a bunch of Episcopalian, Catholic, and other "diverse" religious orifices.

The East Side Heights Estates[edit | edit source]

Are you interested in a splendid evening? Charming! The East Side was made for you. A charming area, it is known for its affluence and Mormitude. Let us begin our survey...

East Bench[edit | edit source]

As a the typical Country Club rich kid will note, "Dood, tha East Bench iz tizight!"

Directly east of Sugar House, and stretching from Federal Heights in the north to I-80 in the south, the East Bench is perhaps the Jell-O-iest place in Salt Lake. It's almost as snobby as Federal Heights, but not that much. Home to the Country Club, it is where the more snobby Highland High teens live. Ahh... so much nostalgia.

Federal Heights[edit | edit source]

Snobby area that consists of Democrat politicians (you'd be lucky to find one), and rich Bush-haters.

The Northern Avenues[edit | edit source]

Uber-snobby area, consisting of Republican politicians and rich college students. They rule the Southern Avenues (or the "Southies", as they call them).

The Southern Avenues[edit | edit source]

Typical Federal Heights political rally in progress.

Even more snobby than the East Bench, and always wishing the Northies would move to Serbia. It, along with the East Bench, is where annoying, rich white kids get together and act like poor black kids. You may hear annoying things from rich kids such as "Oy Tov, I'm from ye A-V-E." Most of these kids would probably get shot if they ever went to the West Side, but like to act like they're gangsters anyway.

Holladay[edit | edit source]

Holladay is a magical place located on the east part of the city. In Holladay, everyone celebrates Christmas or Chanukah]] everyday because they are the only rich bastards in the city who can fucking afford it. It's a land where people drive their BMWs and Audis. There isn't much commerce there except for a mall that closed down and a few law offices. If you ever decide to go there, you'll be in and out in a few minutes due to how small the neighborhood is. However, you may bring the average income down to below $400,000 during your brief stay.

Capitol Hill[edit | edit source]

Directly north of Downtown, Capitol Hill is home to the Capitol, where Republicans from around the state gather to plan their nefarious deeds and wreak havoc upon the children of men. Nothing matters to these twisted men but their efficiency in bringing death and destruction upon the innocent masses of Salt Lake City. Directly west of Capitol Hill is the Marmalade District, prominent because it is the gayest-sounding gayborhood on the planet.

The West Side Heights Estates[edit | edit source]

The Salt Lake's Factory District. Here, kids that attempt to go to the Southern Avenues get converted to Mormonism. Seriously, the only thing here worth mentioning is the gorgeous interchange with State Route 201 and Redwood Road.

This also the home of the mighty Tongan, Samoan and Polynesian peoples. They are warlike and not interested in befriending the casual Salt Laker unless he can prove his worth in a traditional ceremony known as the mu'utualaka tiviti'i. Their greatest flaw is their hypnosis to the Mormon faith, largely due to kava. The only weakness we so far know of is their uncontrollable attraction to all-you-can-eat buffets, like Chuck-O-Rama.

Glendale[edit | edit source]

Where most of the CRACKERS and towelheads live. This is also where the straight edge kids like to play prostitute for the darkies. Just like Glendale, California, but with less Armenians and more poor people. Most of the kids here try to act like they're hardcore straightedge punk gangsta-ass niggazz, but in reality, the most subversive thing they've ever done in their lives was steal a bike from a poor White/Asian kid and piss on it before giving it to the DI. Most of these kids would probably get shot if they ever went to the Ghetto, but like to act like they're gangsters anyway.

Rose Park[edit | edit source]

Salt Lake during the Great Salt Lake Tsunami of '94.

CLASSIFIED (psst..., just a bunch of houses and not a park named Rose in sight.)

It's pretty much just a poorer version of Glendale. Mexicans and their boom-boom are all one can see or hear for miles. They hold the State Fair here at the aptly named State Fairgrounds, but nobody from any of the inhabited counties ever bothers to show. Not to be confused with Rosa Parks, which is a suburb of Buenos Aires.

Poplar Grove[edit | edit source]

It's Popular, like the people that live there, not Poplar, like the tree, you illiterate dolts! Small, utterly unremarkable neighborhood. Skip it.

Magna[edit | edit source]

The locals call it "Maggot", is where all the richest people in the Salt Lake Metropolitan area live. It is situated in the foothills of the Oquirrh Mountains and renowned for being the only city in the US built entirely on a slag heap. It was first named Ragtown,and if you ever build up the stomach to trek out there, you will realize why. Although a number of bus lines are dedicated to serving this area, nobody there has ever ridden on a bus; this has caused many protests from people from the impoverished East Side of the valley that must ride buses everywhere they go.

South Salt Lake[edit | edit source]

A genetically mutated clone of Salt Lake which has become attached to its underbelly like a mentally challenged remora. It combines the white-flight of Rose Park with the carcinogenic content of Magna while diminishing neither.

See also[edit | edit source]