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San Diego

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Sandy Eggo.

San Diego (pronounced: gritty toaster waffle) is a foreign classy country that resides in-between Mexico and the United States within the Dictatorship of southern California. The capital of the modern world, it is inhabited mostly by college students, latin americans, millitary personnel, and homeless people. Interestingly, recent polls have shown that 100% of white San Diegans are having sexual relations with immidiate family members, recent census shows that roughly one-half of all San Diegoans are, in fact, of hispanic descent. The other half fall of the population in San Diego accounts for the majority of homeless people. This Population consists mostly of white bummy surfers.

Brief History

It's a little known fact that San Diego is derived from a Spanish phrase meaning "whale's vagina." Ah, those hilarious Spanish missionaries.

San Diego was founded by the Germans in 1904, and scholars maintain that the translation of San Diego was lost hundreds of years ago. San Diego is most well known for being a gateway to the promised land of Tijuana, also known as the "happiest place on earth" due to the abundance of illegal drugs. San Diego lets it inhabitants "Run Free," shoot their handguns at street signs, and completely disregard the English language in favor of 'Spanglish.'

Despite the horrible economic drain San Diego places on the Colorado River with its perpetual overuse of water by its steadily growing population, the San Diego economy continues to thrive on its seemingly endless abundance of year-round Halloween shops, Starbucks coffee houses and of course, Roberto Alibierto's Mexican food restaurants. Still, San Diego stays classy.


San Diego is well known for its Stratocratic governing body, enforced by the Border Patrol and the San Diego Chargers, but what few political insiders know is that this is really just an elaborate cover for King Stallman of King Stallman Bail Bonds, who really runs the show behind the San Diego street scenes. Thanks to the King's tireless efforts, San Diego now features the safest borders in the world, with its 100% effective Border Patrol that stops all illegal firearms, immigrants, and chimichangas from entering the The United States.


Like every city in the world, San Diego has four seasons: Close to Summer, Not quite Summer, Almost Summer, and Oh hey it's Summer again! Here are the weather statistics (annual avg.):

  • Precipitation: 1mm.
  • Temperature: 74 degrees. - Exception: during August around 105! A freakishly misnamed wind, the Santa Ana, comes in reality from Anza-Borrego desert...or so they think. What these Starbucks caffeine-addicted fools don't realize is that these devilishly hot winds really come in from Arizona, specifically Tucson. For further understanding of this situation: "The warmest month of the year For Tucson, AZ is August, when southerly winds blow across the lake of fire and cools the city down. These winds, which can gust to speeds in excess of 130 mph, carry large amounts of hot ash from the sulfur pits located south of the city. The ash subsequently floats down at varying intervals throughout the day in what is referred to by local citizens as the "lluvia del Diablo.", or in English, "a refreshing cold air from the Devil's butt."

Local Culture

This photo was taken at the annual group meeting of the Carmen San Diegitas.

San Diego County, especially the upscale community of La Jolla, is home to some of the most violent and idiotic gang warfare in the entire world. By far, the strongest gang has been the Carmen San Diegites; although their influence has recently waned as the Spicoli Clan have grown in strength. Since 1990, there has been an escalating turf war between these two gangs over control of the bridges on Mount Soledad. Historically, the Carmen San Diegitos have been responsible for the kidnapping and torture of thousands of Dagoan teenagers who just wanted to catch tasty waves with a cool buzz, but ended up playing a pseudo-educational computer game in which you chase a fictional villain in a red trench-coat and fedora around the globe and through time.


These signs, paid for through a $6 billion grant from the U.S. federal government, warn local beach-goers of possible dangers.

Perhaps the most memorable of San Diego beaches, Black's Beach boasts a two-mile long sandy strip, where the clothing is always optional. The City recently installed a new series of signs at Black's Beach making it more obvious to visitors that they are approaching an area where nudity is permitted. Many locals complained that the previous signs were too puny and there weren’t enough of them. In order to remedy the situation, San Diego decided to revamp the beach with fresher signage intended to protect families, kids, and people that just ate lunch.

Other attractions

  • Seaworld: Home of the last Shamu on Earth.
  • Balboa Park: A cluster of plaster buildings made to fool Japanese tourists into thinking the city has history.
  • Camp Pendleton: Home of the block-heads. Not to be mistaken for Legoland.
  • Chicano Park: Smell the sweet frangrance of urine.
  • Legoland: Where all the thrill rides are made of lego bricks. (Is that safe?)
  • Wild Animal Park: AKA San Diego State University on the weekends.
  • Oceanside Surf Museum: Old surfers never die - they just get stuck over here.
Due to poor funding, many of the San Diego Padres were forced to take up moonlight gigs at Hooters.
  • Pacific Beach: Over-priced tourist trap.
  • National City: Closest you can get to Mexico without actually being in Mexico.
  • Petco Park: Makes more money charging for parking to Comic Con than the Padres actually bring in.
  • Under the Coronado bridge: Possibly some whores and a good chance of getting murdered
  • Empty lot of Harbor Drive: Site of the epic battle between newstations recreated for the movie Anchorman.
  • El Cajon: A place where urban gangsters and rednecks live side-by-side. 75% of the people who appear on Jerry Springer reside here. Known for its crystal meth-based economy.
  • Santee: The white supremecist hub of San Diego County. Also known as "Klantee".
  • Fam Mart: A place where you can buy fake brand-name apparel and get shot at the same time.
  • El Cajon Boulevard: I think I saw your wife walking along this road last night...
  • Sycuan Reservation: There's a 99.99% chance that you will go missing if you walk around here alone at night.
  • Windansea Beach: Where surfers try to be gangster.

Famous people from San Diego

Go fuck yourself, Sunny Dago.

Ron Burgundy, five-time Emmy award-winning journalist, is the main anchor for the San Diego Channel Four News Team. A lot of people know Ron, and he has a reputation of being "kind of a big deal." Always confident, ignorant, and not very intelligent, he has a great fondness for scotch whiskey, furniture made of fine mahogany, and of course, his dog Baxter. An accomplished jazz flute player and avid camper, Ron has been known to pitch one hell of a tent, so don't act like you're not impressed.

See Also

External links