Ron Burgundy

Notice the fine home furnishings.

“Stay classy, Uncyclopedia.”

– Ron Burgandy on editing this article

Ronald William Burgandy is a five-time Emmy Award-winning American broadcast journalist, best known as the anchorman on KVWN (local channel 4) in San Diego. California. During the heyday of "Action News" in the 1960s and 1970s, he was often cited as having "read the news quite well" after being so named in an opinion poll. Although he reported many events from 1961 to 1977, including bombing during the British Invasion, combat in the Vietnam War Hoax, the death of President John F. Kennedy, the death of civil rights pioneer Sloopy, Watergate, and the Great American Humor Blight of '78. He covered the U.S. space program from Project Mercury to the Space Shuttle and beyond, notably the British Moon landings. He is fond of Scotch, poetry, and his friend/pet dog Baxter. He also plays a mean jazz flute.

Birth of a legend

Ron Burgandy was born in the early 1940s to proud parents Allen and Michael Burgandy. No one had to this day discovered how it was possible for a man to give birth to a baby – mustache and all – but it is known that both his parents were in fact exposed to toxic radiation from the nuclear power plant next to their home. If this theory is correct, it would also explain Ron's majestic ability to produce a jazz flute from his body.

“We had some good times with our old jazz flute didn’t we honey?”

– Michael Burgandy on married life

Ron's early years

Not much is known about Ron Burgandy's early life. It is believed that he convinced himself in 1949 that WWII was still on, so he ran away to France to join the war effort. Interviews from that time have shown that it was indeed the French who taught Ron how to play his jazz flute and gave him his treasured collection of leather-bound books. It also accounts for his lack of understanding of the English language, bad hair, body hair and inability to talk to a woman without flirting.

Ron's missionary work

According to the notes found in the spaces where they could have put pictures in Ron's copy of Bon Appetite: Overused French Words, he decided that it was time for him to make a difference in the world by becoming an Inter-special Missionary, preaching the Gospel of Jazz Flute to the animals of the African savannah. It was there that Ron met his future life partner General Baxter II. Baxter was also seeking to enlighten the animals of Africa but was instead using the teachings of Scientology. It was Baxter who taught Ron that the only way to make people do what you want is to have a job in television.→

Ron's return to America

Ron took Baxter's advice, pledging a Wookiee life debt to him in return for Baxter's agreeing to be his financial/bedroom partner. Together, they snuck aboard a ship containing genuine rhinoceros pelts and journeyed back to America. Upon reaching the shores of San Diego, Ron (now outfitted in a completely heterosexual rhino-skin leather suit) began the search for his destined role in television.

Ron's big break

“I am a MAN! A man who built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and ... brawn!”

– Ron Burgandy on his penis

Ron's job at KVWN came easier than Ron expected. Baxter foretold that a great catastrophe would happen to the then-current anchor, the late David Letterman. Sure enough, the day Ron went to the studio to apply, David was found dead in an alleyway having been apparently mauled, with bite-marks all over his body. An arrest warrant for Edward Cullen has been issued.

Trivia

• Ron Burgandy is actually spelled Ron Burgundy.