David Letterman

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'David's head expanding when contemplating all the possible jokes he can tell every night about Bill Clinton and O.J. Simposon!'

Years Active 666 A.C. to 6669 D.C
Amount Employees Slept With 15.6 more then Wilt Chamberlain
Amount of jokes told about O.J. Simpson 21,210,768
Amount of jokes recycled about O.J. Simpson again 11,673,900,789,654
Amount of jokes told about Rosie O'Donnell 950 lbs worth
Amount of jokes told about Rosie O'Donnell that were actually funny 3
Amount of jokes told about Bill Clinton 12,900,00
Amount of jokes told about Bill Clinton having sex with Monica Lewinsky calculator exploded when giving final result
Amount of jokes told about Dick Cheney shooting someone lost count after 1,990,000
Amount of jokes told about "that thing on Donald Trump's head" way too many
Amount of jokes told about Osama Bin Laden & Al-Qaeda Enough to go multi-platinum with
Amount of total jokes all together told that where funny 7
Amount of jokes that aren't funny All Episodes between 1985 to 2010

“Least the intern he banged didn't save the stained dress”

“It's no surprise he slept with an employee, how do you think Paul Shaffer and CBS orchestra got the gig?”

~ That trumpet player in the band that looks like Ron Jeremy

David Letterman is the former host of the CBS late night variety show called, "The Late Show With David Letterman" and is also a part time postman for Western Union, a self proclaimed greatest ever greeter Walmart has ever seen, and holds the world record for most times a jacket has been buttoned up, then unbuttoned repeatedly during a 55 minute time slot.

He is currently the host of the Netflix talk show, My Next Guest I've Slept With Needs No Introduction... Just a Paycheck.

In 1985 David took over from Johnny Carson as the #1 late night talk show host and assistants bent over a desk on American and Cincinnati television. Dave was chosen himself by Johnny Carson as his second choice to take over his position, his first choice was Jay Leno but Jay's enormous chin would not fit between the entrance doors to the the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City so Dave got the contract.

Before Sleeping With Employees[edit | edit source]

Here is usually a good place to write about someone's full name and talk a little about the person's childhood & family, as well as things he did before becoming an international celebrity. But seeing as how no one really cares to know, we felt no need to include one and just jump straight into the life you know him as today.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK[edit | edit source]

Since the time The Late Show began, Dave has interviewed even more celebrities than employees he has slept with (believe it or not, though the figures for each are close) and has interviewed many of the world's most renowned names and celebrity persona ranging from actors, musicians, politicians, Media Personalities, & aliens. And then people that an audience could live without ever knowing about such as, Dave's Mom, Dave's Tailor, Dave's personal Gynecologist, Little Fat Kids, Cafe Workers and weird people who do things like sticking their thumb inside their pets' orifices to make them yelp to music to make it seem like they are singing to a silly song.

The show will also contain regular segments that each have a catchy theme tune to them played by Dave's real life gay lover Paul Shaffer & the PMS orchestra.

Regular Segments[edit | edit source]

  • Stupid Dumb Tricks where Dave invites losers from all over the country to come into the studio and do something completely retarded to fill in 5 minutes before cutting to footage of the dumb video of the week that will be played on average 75 times a show for the next 15 weeks.
  • The Subtitled Pictures where Dave will hold up a newspaper clipping or picture from a magazine and try to add a humorous title to it, then flip it on the floor behind him where he keeps a group of kidnapped employees tied up to receive a nasty paper cut for not wanting to sleep with him.
  • Know Your Cuts Of Meat which is just an excuse to go into the audience and ask where they are from, so the audience can chant out and clap like anyone cares if they are proud to be from somewhere like Rhode Island. This game was however later added to the initiation process for Freebutcher pledges by Dave himself, who is a memeber of the Freebutchers.
  • Christmas Throw happens every year just before Christmas when Dave will throw a football at the stupid object they have put on top of the tree, and bore an audience to death for 10 minutes while he and the guest show their lack of sporting ability.
  • Animal Planet where Dave invites a retarded Animal keeper on the show to bring in a bird or monkey in diapers to look cute for ratings while the keeper is oblivious to Dave making him look like a moron on live television.
  • Watering Pedestrians every year without fail when summer comes along, Dave will play the previous year's footage of squirting pedestrians with a hose on the streets of NY. But the most famous of them all is...
  • The Top 10 List where Dave will read out a top 10 list based on current events, which are never really funny at all, but the audience is bribed with a coupon for a buy 1 get one free hooker at Central Park that Dave's mother works as the head mistress.
  • Staff and special guests walk-throughs, when the set is invaded randomly for them to talk to Letterman, who randomly talks back.
  • Booth announcer interuptions with Allan Clutter also often randomly announcing something and, when a camera then shows him, he is dressed as a lion tamer, ballet dancer, or baby, or he is holding a gun to his head.
  • Hello Deli competitions, with street-bums being brought into a nearby shop to appear with the owner, Rupert Jeez.
  • Audience Giving Useless Applause this game is played almost nightly. The audience receives a signed photo of Dave banging Sarah Palin on the CBS news desk, provided they play along with the game. The game is to give as many useless rounds of applause as they can whenever someone mentions they worked with an actor that everyone knows, particularly award winners and old farts that have croaked in the past 10 years. Other ways to win are when someone on the show mentions they are going to/already have or are even thinking about having a baby, or whenever anyone mentions they are getting married/just got married or have been married for such and such amount of years. This is all a prank Dave likes to play on home viewers to make them wonder why these people get a round of applause for doing something any old average-Joe can do. But hey, seeing an uncensored pic of Letterman nailin' Pailin is worth going along with the stupid idea!!!

The Late Show Top 10[edit | edit source]

Ticket to see the Late Show... $35.70
Payment for laughing at jokes.... $complimentary T-shirt.
Having the chance to stand on the desk and urinate into Dave's mouth..... Priceless!!

The Top Ten Things You Always See On The Letterman Show.

  • 10. Dave finishing off his introduction and then asking, "Is he over there?" like spotting a little bald gay man dressed like Elton John is hard to miss.
  • 08. Mention of Bernie Madoff.
  • 07. Rupert G not laughing at Dave's jokes 'cause he can't see the applause sign from the "Hello Deli".
  • 06. When a guest first comes out, Dave will whisper into there ear, "Laugh when the audience does, the applause sign is not visible from this side of the stage".
  • 05. Mention of baseball that only Americans care about.
  • 03. If a joke actually works for the show, expect the Late Show to repeat it every night for the next 2 months. If the joke doesn't work, it will still be re-told every night for 2 months anyway.
  • 02. David coming out and undoing his buttons on his jacket, then doing it back up, then undoing it, then doing it back up again till he undoes it to sit down.
  • 01. The #1 in the "top ten" always sucks. So to keep with the tradition, so does this one.

Dave's Dad, because really, the mom jokes are in poor taste

Late Show Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Dave owns many sets of pants that are kept, worldwide, in case of need, in train station lockers numbered 7.
  • Jay Leno is a secret fan, to the extent that he flew from LA to NY and snuck into the 4 February 2010 taping of Letterman's show in disguise as a comedian.
  • Letterman's life support machine is maintained by staff member, Tony Mender.
  • Dave has 3 children with his wife Paul Shaffer. All of them boys. Their names are Larry, Curly and Baldy, named after their parents.
  • Felecia Collins is the guitar player of the PMS orchestra, not Lenny Kravits as most people believe.
  • Biff Henderson was a miss universe runner up in 1983.
  • Dave slept with <insert name here>'s mom in 1998.
  • Richard Simmons refuses to be a guest on the show since Dave insulted him by calling him heterosexual.
  • Employee of the months get bonus points for swallowing
  • Dave's yearly summer joke of spraying water on pedestrians outside the Ed Sullivan theater was never funny to begin with.
  • Stephenie is the daughter of Vince McMahon.
  • The guy in the PMS orchestra on trumpet that looks like Ron Jeremy actually IS Ron Jeremy.
  • In order to remain relevent, the show is taped the day after it airs, and the PMS time machine delivers it to the network on the afternoon it airs.