Jay Leno

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The similarities between Leno and Gaddafi are striking.

“I think Jay Leno should be forced to tell a ton of Tom Cruise jokes about getting in bed with giant lobsters. What do you think, Bill Hicks?”

~ Johnny Carson up in heaven, finally realizing there are worse people than him on Earth, since Jay Leno is still there

Jay Leno[1] (born April 28, 1950) is a second-rate American stand-up comedian who stole the hosting job of The Tonight Show from David Letterman, even after Johnny Carson and NBC agreed years in advance that Letterman would take over the Tonight Show mantle. Due to Leno's quick thinking, clever maneuvering, and with the help of Helen Kushnick (one of the most notorious show business agent/producers in Hollywood history) Leno became the King of Late Night.

In late 2009, Leno screwed over his own family relative (Conan O'Brien from Late Night with Conan O'Brien) by luring him to Los Angeles to take over the Tonight Show spot while Leno worked his prime-time show; for some strange, eerie reason that resembles the JFK conspiracy, NBC fired O'Brien and put Leno back as The Tonight Show host within days.[2]

Leno is now the "once leering late-night leader of talk show hosts," renowned for his ability to giggle and sneer at the same time and for telling the longest Clinton joke in history has, coincidentally, become historical fodder.[3]

It is argued that his greatest achievement in show business is being NBC Universal's Biggest Fucking Kiss ass. Leno tells the same Clinton joke to an enthusiastic audience of Hollywood tourists for twenty years, his Schwarzenegger impressions grow more tiresome with age, and his entourage of eccentric noobs (Tom Green, Ross "The Intern" Matthews, Gilbert Gottfried) are nothing more than distractions back to the days of vaudeville. He is also a burglar of comedy material (i.e. The Howard Stern Show) that rivals the hit-and-run death squads of crime lord Denis Leary.[4]

The Result of Jay Leno as Your Late-Night Host, by Craig Ferguson, Late Night Rival[edit | edit source]

An accurate artistic depiction of Leno

After a few months, panicking NBC executives realized that by putting a middle-aged guy into the traditional realm of gray-haired geezers, they had not only fubared NBC late night for all time, but TV in general, and given people a reason to go to bed at night instead of snacking past their bedtime and performing poorly at work the next day. Although the the late night show has for years attracted approx. half the population of Cleveland, Ohio, the reckless decisions of NBC has reduced the viewing audience to the size of Delaware.[5]

NBC also failed to realize that most people awoke at around 6:30 am because they have jobs, for the most part. So who are these laze-abouts[6] watching comedy shows late into the evening hours? LOSERS.[7] People who can't work because of their drug/alcohol addiction. By 11:00 PM, everything is hilarious, even Jay Leno. By 11:15, his retarded guests are even marginally funny. Just kidding. What a bunch of nervous nellies. Although alcohol can increase humor, it also creates embarrassingly silly admissions/remininsces from the unfortunate guests. Like that one time at band camp............(insert all Leno guests here).[8]

Musical Appearances[edit | edit source]

Most so-called bands choose to debut their worst song EVER on the late night venue. The reason for this can be explained by the simple explanation that "who fucking cares?" No one is listening because they fell asleep during the movie promo section and/or never heard of these retarded bands and turn off the TV to save on their electric bill.

Is Jay Leno's chin his Achilles' heel?[edit | edit source]

Main Article: Jay Leno's Chin

Of course it is! Why else did Conan do flashlight under the chin impressions for years before The Tonight Show? Because he knew if Jay Leno put a flashlight under his chin and sang "In the Year 3000," the audience would run screaming out of the building, trampling each other, and cause a massive panic the likes of which haven't been seen since King Kong. The phenonemal trapezoid effect is scary because the longer the chin, the more massive the forehead when under-lighted. [9]

Just close your eyes and imagine Leno, Frankenstein or Herman Munster, [10] shining flashlights under their chins. Very scary and enough to call in the US military. NBC couldn't afford to allow such negative publicity, therefore Leno's chin was insured for $500,000 including a no flashlight clause. If anyone shoots Leno's chin with an arrow, NBC will benefit from the insurance policy and possibly save the network.

Battles with Bruce Campbell[edit | edit source]

Recent evidence and photos have shown that Jay Leno is, in fact, an alien. Leno's chin however, was a dead give away to obsessive alien stalkers like Michael J. Fox.

It is a well known fact that Jay Leno and Bruce Campbell are bitter enemies, often arguing about who has the better chin. This argument reached a climax in what is now known as the Chin Wars. Leno is thought to have lost this battle, but anyone who even hints that he did, is crushed by Leno's massive chin of death.

Charity Work[edit | edit source]

Leno makes a whole shitload of money, most of which he gives away to deserving, underprivileged people like Bill Gates, Donald Trump and Oprah. He also has a large collection of cars, in which he likes to drive around Los Angeles and run over sorry-ass restaurant waiters who think they're going to be the next Tom Cruise. You might think this is mean-spirited, but it's not. He's actually sparing them a lifetime of rejection and misery by running them over, so "it's charity, motherfucker!"[11]

The Clinton Era[edit | edit source]

Soon after news of President Clinton's sex scandal emerged in the mainstream media, Leno found his calling. Every day since, he has told the infamous "Clinton Joke" to an enthusiastic audience. He is hailed as the inventor of the Clinton Joke, and has honed it throughout the years with each telling. Years after Clinton's term ended, Leno continued well into the next presidency, adapting current events to fit into a Clinton joke at least twice in one night. He was awarded the honorary Comedy Central "Comedic Achievement for Most Clinton Jokes in One Lifetime Award" in 2008.

Since then, Leno has retired to a humble village with his wife and airplane hangar of 1000+ cars, vowing never to appear on television again. He still tells his famed Clinton jokes to the locals, as well as his children and grandchildren, who will remember them for years to come.

Arnold Schwarzenegger voice impersonations[edit | edit source]

Jay Leno's habit of lapsing into nonsensical Arnold Schwarzenegger voice-overs like a Tourette's Syndrome victim were cited as the reason for his replacement of the Tonight Show host by Conan O'Brien in 2009. Critics have likened the impersonation to that of a drunken retarded walrus, or possibly a Bulgarian moose during mating season. Cable companies claim that within 5 seconds of these horrific imitations, 95% of the viewers flip the channel to Letterman.

Memorable Quotes from Jay Leno, Scarily Un-Fucking-Talented Comic[edit | edit source]

He She It is coming this way!!! Abandon ship!!!
  • On Monday Derek Jeter announced that he supports his teammate Alex Rodriguez, but he does not condone anything he did...including Madonna.
  • On Thursday, politcians came together asking the corporate CEO's to apoligize to the American people for squandering their money, the CEOs replied "Yeah, you go first."
  • Very exciting Super Bowl on Sunday, and they said every seat at Raymond James Stadium was a good seat. Unless, of course, you were sitting behind Aretha Franklin. 'Hey, lady, the hat. Take the hat off, lady.'
  • And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton's brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother.
  • And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them.
  • And because of our huge budget crisis, California's now going to delay paying your tax refunds, to which Tom Daschle said, "That's why I didn't pay them in the first place."
  • So now Sarah Palin has admitted to smoking marijuana at one point in her life, but she said she didn't like it. She said it impaired her thinking skills & she is hoping that the effects will wear off soon.
  • Recently it has been reported that Paris Hilton has lost her virginity...to which George Bush said, "Aw...She'll find it."

People in Show Business Jay Leno hasn't Heartlessly Fucked for Personal Gain[edit | edit source]

References[edit | edit source]

  1. also known as Gay Leno, Chay Wenno
  2. Making O'Brien suffer a corporate move that turned his Tonight Show tenure into an office temp job. Of course, Leno did this to his own family relative, Conan. This exceeds most bullshit Hollywood behavior and enters Wall Street/Lehman Brothers/Bernie Madoff airspace
  3. Replace "historical fodder" with "A BIG FUCKING HOLLYWOOD FRAUD, WHO KNEW?"
  4. Rumored to be a family relation of Leno, as well as Conan O'Brien. Explains why the last "NBC Late Night Show Wars" fiasco of 2009-2010 was a complete hoax, and a failed attempt for a ratings-grab, while ABC Disney kept killing everyone with Lost and Desperate Housewives, and Fox still owned you all with American Idol
  5. For you guys not in the Hollywood comedy writing business, this entire section is in the form of a Craig Ferguson monologue, and probably was written by Craig, who spent all week struggling over this between his AA meetings
  6. Wankers from the ultra-superior colony of the United Kingdom, Craig Ferguson or otherwise, are not allowed to comment on American comedians, because most Americans are not British like they, and pwning a guy like Jay Leno doesn't sound right in BritishScottish-nese.
  7. Basically the unemployed, college kids, and old people
  8. "Go back to Scotland, Craig Ferguson. If it wasn't for The Drew Carey Show you'd be a dead fucking drunk on the streets of Burbank. Sincerely, Jay"
  9. Is this a word? Fuck no, but everyone knows the meaning of this from childhood sleepovers since time incarnate
  10. Wait, best keep your eyes open
  11. Leno likes to scream out "motherfucker" after successfully committing a fatal hit-and-run blow to another waiter on Melrose Avenue
  12. Ripped off from Craig Ferguson's monologue on American obesity, who did a much better job with it. Leno, thinking he could do the same, shrinks it down to a one-liner and quips "Enough said."

Bibliography[edit | edit source]

From the 2008 book When I Attacked and Raped My NBC Boss Bob Wright by Jay Leno's Evil Twin. Wait, that's not Leno. That's Al Gore! Well, close enough
  • All My Clinton Jokes
  • 501 Hilarious Clinton Jokes
  • DYI: Clinton Jokes And You
  • How I Got Started Telling Clinton Jokes
  • Clinton Jokes: The Secret to Being a Real Comedian
  • How to Tell a Clinton Joke (Illustrated)
  • The Continued Evolution of the Clinton Joke Throughout Time, by Stephen Hawking
  • I Like Motorcycles, and So Should You and Bill Clinton Joke Manual
  • Monday is My Porn Night With More Bill Clinton Jokes
  • Bill Clinton's Jaw of Destiny With More Bill Clinton Jokes
  • How to Tell a Clinton joke: "Did you hear about the time Clinton got a blowjob?"
  • "All Things Led Zeppelin," I mean "Jay Leno," I mean "Clinton," I mean...never mind
  • Jay Leno's If I Intentionally Kicked Conan Off The Air, Here's How It Happened
  • When I Attacked and Raped My NBC Boss Bob Wright, by Jay Leno's Evil Twin
  • My best friend Bill, & Other Tales of Erotica