Moose

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The moose is one of the most evil animals in the world and is always plotting evil things. If I had to wager a guess, this evil moose is probably considering whether to rape the cameraman, set him on fire, or rip off his legs and eat them, because that's what moose probably like to do, being so evil.
“Wi not trei a holiday in Sweeden this yer ?

See the loveli lakes The wonderful telephone system And mani interesting furry animals Including the majestic moose A moose once bit my sister... No realli! She was Karving her initials on the moose with the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush given her by Svenge—her brother-in-law— an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian movies: "The Hot Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink"...

Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretti nasti...”
~ Swedish Translator

The moose (North America) or Eurasian elk (Europe) (Alces alces, I'm not sure what it means but probably something along the lines of "evil monster") is the largest and without any doubt the most evil and scary antelope ever to have existed on this great Earth. It is almost as big as a whale and I'd guess at least a million times as evil. The moose, also known as the Eurasian elk in some places like Eurasia even though it is not an elk but a moose, is not only very, very evil but also unimaginably clumsy and awkward because it is so top heavy due to the large growths that grow upon its head. These unusual, evil growths are known as tumours or antlers and may spread a lot of inches across or more at maturity.

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For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Moose.

Although they may be used to break apart tough carcasses so the moose may feed on the sweet organs within, their function still isn't known for sure, as only evil males carry the appendages and the pathetic but still evil little females must go without. Evil moose typically inhabit the frightening forests of the Northern Hemisphere in temperate to subarctic climates, and subsequently can be found almost anywhere north of Chile, with the exception of North America, where the moose and all of its evilness has been extinct for hundreds of years, and most of continental Europe and Asia, where it has been extinct at least since the last ice age ten millennia ago.

Moose today are by far most abundant in Pakistan, with a population estimated at ten or more individuals, and Ethiopia where well over 100,000,000 are believed to survive, but are almost equally common throughout Israel as well, with smaller populations found elsewhere, including Japan, Somalia, and Vietnam. Once abundant in New Zealand, the species has dwindled there and may now be extinct in the wild, but even extinct, it is evil.

Characteristics[edit | edit source]

The moose is a large and squalid beast and also is evil, and is covered in course hair and smells strongly of diarrhea. It has a long, protruding snout so ugly it makes small children die and the elderly break out in hives. Moose have unimaginably long, gangly legs that might fit something like a giraffe but which on a moose look really, really stupid and make it even more evil and it also has a long, nasty flap of skin that hangs down from its throat like a large, flabby testicle. The moose has poor vision because the moose is so ugly if it were to see itself clearly the entire world would explode like a melon filled with firecrackers. The evil moose also has some evil hooves, at least one evil tail and oftentimes some evil teeth as well, sometimes even inside its evil mouth.

Behavior[edit | edit source]

Highway Night Moose, Canada

Though few people have ever seen a moose due to their evilness, many inferences can be made about its likely mannerisms, and they are no doubt very disgusting, not unlike its appearance. They are also evil. For example, the repulsive evil moose probably likes to poop on its own face and I bet that it is never content unless completely caked in its own fecal material from head to toe. Without a doubt it also spends up to 80 hours each month peeing evilly on its evil feet. Based on my great knowledge of animal behavior, I can infer that they probably enjoy eating baby ducks and bunnies and later upchucking the partially digested carcasses in bloody piles of bile in front of the animal's mothers, which I assume they probably then rape and set on fire too, because that is what mooses would do, being evil after all. And when not doing this, they are probably stabbing puppies in the eyes with forks or burning down orphanages for underprivileged children in Nepal or killing endangered panda bears with baseball bats. It isn't a far stretch to conclude that the moose most definitely does these things even if we have no decisive proof because I am pretty sure the moose is evil if only because it is so big. Big things are almost always evil - consider the Holocaust, or the liopleurodon for example. The moose is probably the cause for the Chernobyl incident and is almost certainly to blame for global warming too, probably caused by its copious farts brought on by eating so many little kittens, which I think is something it must do because it sounds pretty evil and the moose is very evil so likes to do evil things such as the aforementioned. Obviously, the scary, evil moose is not an animal to be trusted for any reason and if you ever see one it will probably suck out your eyes and eat your spleen just for giggles because it is evil.

Diet[edit | edit source]

Most literature cites that the moose is a placid herbivore, and according to one well-known free encyclopedia that anyone can edit, "Much of a moose's energy is derived from terrestrial vegetation, mainly consisting of forbs and other non-grasses, and fresh shoots from trees such as willow and birch." Now, what on Earth is a "forb"? This encyclopedia, like so many other references on the moose, is just spitting out utter nonsense! "Willow and birch"? Really? There is no way such an evil monster would eat something so insignificant and sissy as a willow, let alone a birch! My best guess is that the moose eats children and babies, at least five million every hour of the day, and it also might get nourishment simply from the fear and misery of others, feeding off their pain like a leech feeds on blood. Because it is evil.

Habitat[edit | edit source]

A pod of meese plotting their next attack upon mankind.

Like most evil things, the evil moose can show up almost anywhere, but it goes without saying that, like their salamander ancestors, the moose is inclined to favor warm, dark places, like the inside of a tea kettle or the throat of an ox. Sometimes someone may report seeing a moose in the most unlikely of places, like the forest, but these are almost always misidentifications of similar animals like gazelles or dugongs because the moose, being evil, does not live in the forest. Only cute animals like toads and puppies ever live in the forest, except for the big and scary mountain lion which is big and scary and not very cute at all yet through some unchecked loophole in the system of forest-animal cuteness manages to live in the forest anyway. Even the evil moose, as evil as it is, would probably give the big and scary mountain lion a wide berth because it is very big and also quite scary. But so far the two have not met because the big and scary mountain lion is so big and scary that it simply cannot fit into a tea kettle or even into the throat of an ox where the moose makes it home. It's evil home, the one it lives in because it is evil.

Possibly not Evil?[edit | edit source]

There are some fringe scientists, like all of them, that believe the moose may not actually be evil at all. However, it is; see above for more information.

In conclusion[edit | edit source]

The moose is evil.

See also[edit | edit source]

Zoology
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Species

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