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“Quite resembles a phallus, I'd say, and thus makes me plumb giddy! Weee!”

~ Oscar Wilde on John Travolta films
The swordfish in nature.

The swordfish was a unique attempt at medieval aquatic warfare. The concept was to breed a fish that could strike at the wooden hulls of ships with its sharp scales, and cause the ship to sink. The result, whilst extremely practical, is undeniably humorous to find in nature.

Origin[edit | edit source]

When Al Gore invented wooden sailing ships in the year 1345, everyday medieval knights were at a loss as to defending themselves from the ships. Arrows would only be able to pick off one knight at a time, while catapults and other artillery would take too long to set up. In a fit of despair, one renowned knight, by the name of Sir Colin Mochrie, traipsed down to the docks and made fun of some of the fishermen there. One particularly angry fisherman began to yell at Sir Mochrie and hurled a fish at him. While surprised by the attack, Sir Mochrie was mostly unfazed, and retaliated with his sword. After the slaughtering, Sir Mochrie happened upon the realization that if you were to somehow take the properties of the deadly sword and combine them with the properties of the swimming fish, you would have just the force required to stop the wooden sailing ships. One night of drunken fish copulation later, and Sir Mochrie's new weapon, the swordfish, was born.

Habitat[edit | edit source]

The swordfish tends to dwell in the vicinity of the British Isles. The diet of the swordfish is trees, which can make for a bit of a dilemma regarding food. Ever since Al Gore upgraded ships to the metal variety, swordfish numbers have been dwindling. The swordfish is now endangered, and it is extremely unsafe for people to head near swordfish habitats, as they have taken to flinging themselves out of the water and into trees. Passers-by may find themselves accidentally impaled by the traveling fish.

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History[edit | edit source]

  • Swordfish totally kicked the asses of sailing ships. Weren't you paying attention?
  • Lord Voldemort, renowned arch mage and kitten hurling battler, is believed to be a swordfish.
  • Porn star Donkey Kong once used a swordfish as a "prop" in one of his movies. There were no survivors.
  • The Queen of Afghanistan once Wrestled with a swordfish, But had her head cleanly sliced off.
  • There are persistent, yet garbled, rumors of a swordfish leading a desert cult somewhere in the American west. Said cult is supposed to be rife with sex, drugs and bacon, not to mention a complete lack of dental hygiene.

Demise[edit | edit source]

The near-extinction of the sailing ship (did we mention those?) in the 21st century led to rising disapproval of the swordfish in many quarters. Its death warrant was signed when the rival penfish proved mightier than its bladed opponent. Despite valiant efforts by Al Gore, ably assisted by the now decapitated Queen of Afghanistan, the swordfish passed away on 26 November 2008.

See Also[edit | edit source]