Beta Fish
The beta fish (Beta splendens, literally meaning "limited release of a simply splendid product with a goal of finding bugs before the final release"), was the first species of fish to be released to the general public, albeit in a limited number and for a very brief time. Now extinct, it is believed that the beta fish grew to just under three inches in length and carried with it a beautiful array of long, flowing fins in a myriad of colors such as moderately dark blue.
History[edit | edit source]
The concept of a "beta fish" came to be after some people, a little girl, Johnny, a guy and some horses named Tommy and Tubbness realized that there were simply too many bugs outside. Little yucky ones that bit their children and drained them of blood. Big, scary ones with colorful wings that flew from flower to flower and drank up the nectar with their terrible proboscises. Scary little ones that crawled on the ground and stole breadcrumbs from picnics. The group knew that something had to be done about this rising epidemic, but what? They had to create a creature, one that would eat bugs but which would live under the water because there were already so many things above the water, like mice and trees and dogs, all of which were yucky at times, and nobody wanted another yucky-at-times thing. The team got to work, looking at modern bug-eating creatures like lambs and pickles for guidance, and within a few years they finally had something to show for all of their hard work. Initially known as the "ALPHA FISH", an acronym for A Living Predatory yet Harmless Animal Feeding on Icky Small artHropods, it was originally released just to a limited number of people. It was successful overall as a bug-eater, sometimes eating any suitably minuscule bugs that happened to fall in the bowl in which it lived, but a little too dominating and aggressive, and so was recalled and all of the original alpha fishes flushed down the toilet. A few weeks later, the first true "BETA FISH', an acronym for Better Eater of The Arthropods Frightening Innumerable Scared Humans, was released to the general populace, similar to the alpha fish but without the dominant aggression exhibited by it's predecessor.
The beta fishes - small, colorful, and content to spend their life in a small cup of water filled with their own waste products - were a big hit with the lazy public but they too had their flaws. Likely as a result of their breeding for reduced aggression, the original beta fish had terribly low testosterone levels, and as a result had low sex drives and soon became fat and balding, spending most of their time sprawled listlessly in front of the television. Because of these inherent flaws, the reign of the beta was short and it wasn't long before they too were recalled and replaced with the even more improved Fish 1.0 and it's various expansion packs now available, such as Tunatastic, Bassilicious, and Flounder Power, which are no longer restricted to the use of eating bugs and which now may be found for most any use, such as providing entertainment or directly feeding the populace with their creamy flesh.
Diet[edit | edit source]
The original beta fish was created solely for the purpose of getting rid of insects, a feat which it was apparently quite adequate at doing. However, it was noted that by the late Charlie Darwin that, in captivity, the beta "throved gloriously upon an eating diet of cookie crumbs and rice cakettes", and many people reported that it also accepted most any sort of soup, even chicken noodle, and apparently enjoyed greatly the sweet taste of cranberries.
Habits[edit | edit source]
It was noted by a few great minds that the beta fish was a rather sedentary creature that did little to nothing for most of the day. While this is undeniably true, it can also be assumed that, like most fish, the beta did occasionally move slightly to the left or to the right and it may have even moved it's tail or a fin once in a while, when the need arose.
In conclusion[edit | edit source]
The beta fish was a fish.