The Life and Times of a Cute Little Puppy
The Life and Times of a Cute Little Puppy is a harrowing tale of love, betrayal, and jealousy written from the point of view of a cute little puppy as he struggles to find meaning in his life. The back of the book says that "... never before has a such a harrowing tale of heroism been written about any puppy, whether cute or not." With 55 chapters, mostly about how cute the puppy was, the adventures contained within The Life and Times of a Cute Little Puppy are so damn harrowing 'n shit that the book has been banned from several school libraries across the nation.
Early life: Trouble Brewing
Sadly, The Cute Little Puppy never truly knew his father beyond being a Daschund who enjoyed playing with bright objects. His mother was no better, being neglectful, she would frequently abandon her children to play with a tennis ball or attack squeaky toys in a playful manner. Not once did The Cute Little Puppy have a real conversation with either of his parents. At only eight weeks old, the puppy and two of his sisters were captured by slave traffickers (this part of the book is open to interpretation) while their mother was busy fetching a stick. The Cute Little Puppy was given to the ASPCA to be taken care of, and almost was (in the Italian Mob sense of the term) before he was rescued an hour later by an equally cute family.
The autobiography continues with The Cute Little Puppy receiving news of his mother’s death. Since he had not seen his mother for most of his young life, the puppy does not feel much remorse at his mother’s passing. He is, personally, deeply disturbed by this, and begins barking and whimpering while rolling around on the ground in front of the camera. Oh look at those big brown eyes! Awwww! Who's having an existential crisis? YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!
Trials and Tribulations: Troubled Times
Although on the surface The Cute Little Puppy's life seemed calm and not very interesting, The Cute Little Puppy's life was about to change irrevocably and forever. This point in his life was the fulcrum- the crucible against which The Cute Little Puppy would put both his mind and character to the test. This chapter in his life was most certainly harrowing like no puppy's life has been or should be. It was really exciting, and I'm not just saying that.
Around this time, The Cute Little Puppy released his first album, Woof Woof Arroooo Puppy Puppy. A 63 minute album of The Cute Little Puppy barking and begging set to '50s and '60s classic rock, the album sold millions and allowed him and his newly found family to settle in to a life of comfort. Sadly, The Cute Little Puppy's second album, Bark Bark Arroooo Bark Bark, a 65 minute album of The Cute Little Puppy barking and whimpering to '90s and 2000s death metal didn't do as well, which just goes to show that The Cute Little Puppy's life was not all flowers and rainbows. No sir. Not at all. Not. At. All.
Run-ins with the Law: The Introduction of his Troubles
Never before, and never since, has a Cute Little Puppy been so tried and hounded by life's harrowing experiences. Oh my, were his experiences harrowing. By the end of all his harrowing troubles, The Cute Little Puppy, although still cute and still technically a puppy, no longer could say with full honesty that the world was a friendly place (although he couldn't say that before, either).
At the tender age of three months, The Cute Little Puppy was a millionaire and had a different girl over at his mansion every week to rub his cute and precious little belly. The Cute Little Puppy lived a dream life for a short while, spending his days scratching himself, eating any kind of meat he wanted, and fetching any stick he pleased. It's true that he didn't actually have any run ins with the law, but what do you expect? He's just a dumb animal.
In a little "screw you" to the readers, it was revealed that The Cute Little Puppy actually did have a run in with the law, when he was called as a witness to his master's tax fraud investigation, but this episode in his life was not included in the final printing of the book.
Troubles: The Time of Troubled Troubles
In the history of the universe, never before has a dumb animal been subjected to so many harrowing events. The Cute Little Puppy was about to see his life change course forever: standing at the helm of a ship made of his own destruction, The Cute Little Puppy could only squeek helplessly, and grapple for toys helplessly, as his ship ran aground on the shore of Destruction – just off Disaster Island.
After a while, The Cute Little Puppy's record sales dropped off, and he had to resort to begging to be fed. The Cute Little Puppy was forced to play with inanimate objects, and poop in a sandbox like a dumb animal. The Cute Little Puppy had never before been so not-pampered.
Postscript: The Troubles Begin
After meeting the president, The Cute Little Puppy was sent to Iraq to boost troop morale, and is currently happily employed as a land mine detector. In all honesty, the soldiers would have preferred porn mags, but they weren't cute enough to have their opinions matter. After being a commercial and critical success, The Life and Times of a Cute Little Puppy is scheduled to become a movie sometime in the near future, with extended cute sequences and a happy ending.
