The Enslaved Waky Wasteland of the Republic Of IWAK
|Motto: IWAK, you don't defeat my country!"|
Anthem: WAK WAK not -erate SaddamIraQ Uraq Bilaq Akkaq
|Official language(s)||No one knows due to the loud booms|
|Property of||American Empire|
|National Hero(es)||Sargon of Akkad, Gilgamesh, Paul Wolfowitz, Mr. Takashi of Japan, Oscar Wilde, Socks, Month-old potatoes, Osaka bin Laden, Adam Smith, George Dubya Bush, and Saddam Hussein|
~ George W. Bush on Iraq“It sucks to be stuck between Iraq and a hard place”
~ Captain Obvious on Iraq
Sovereign Independent state of
iRaq IWAK is a beacon of fire situated in the Sahara desert near Africa. It was once the home of Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Barack Obama and other Muslims, and was a grave threat to world peace. Sadly, because of this, the Bush family America was left with no other choice but to engage it, and to steal its oil, establish millitary bases, and other selfish reasons lead the simple people of Iraq into a new age of freedom and love, just like in the Greatest Country in the History of the Earth, America, home of the brave. It had nothing to do with oil at all.
History[edit | edit source]
iRaq was one of the greatest empires of Antiquity, situated between the Tigris and Euphrates. The word iRaq is derived from mât iraqi, which is the ancient Mesopotamian term for "Land of Raqius," the flying Minotaur banana-shaped god of iRaq. The western and eastern parts of iRaq consist of two alluvial plains, where irrigation enables agriculture; a vital part of iRaq's economy. The capital of iRaq, which is located between the eastern and western plains at the southern base of the Tigris, is named after the ancient iRaqi god Anuus.
After all known civilizations in the world had been mercilessly subjugated, the ancient iRaqis grew so bored they destroyed themselves. Modern scholars are still hotly debating this issue. Nevertheless, just to spite us, the iRaqis took all their wondrous inventions with them. From written records scientists estimate that our current technology is only about one-fifth as advanced as any random piece of crap thrown together by a mentally-handicapped ancient iRaqi child. However, such an iRaqi child probably never even existed because they were all just so darned smart. Wuh suuup?
After being completely destroyed for over 1000 years, iRaq was re-founded at least 100 years before America in the dessert near Africa by Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. Once known as Saudi Arabia, it was famed for its great culture, which included writing stories and making pretty little tweeny-weeny cups and bowls.
Its people adapted to its harsh environment by wearing loose, white clothing and by growing wild beards. At least one hundred years ago they began to worship Allah, the the man in the sky, just like what the Americans do, except in American English Allah is called Jaysus.
According to Fox News, about ten years ago, iRaq made an evil pact with Afghanistan and Hummus, and formed Al-Qaeda, the most evil terrorist threat in the universe and the greatest threat to America since Pig AIDS.
Throughout its history it has struggled by being periodically pwned. Alexander the Great, Ghengis Khan and Fox News have all pwned it at various times in its history. Life expectancy in iRaq is thus 14 years of age for men and 7 for women, just higher than that of Baltimore.
In 2001, Al-Qaeda engaged the World Trade Center and killed over one hundred million yuppies. This caused the Great Leader to engage the dark force that was terrorizing the free world; Muslims.
In 2003 our brave heroes, who have done so much for our freedom, crossed over the border and entered iRaq. They were greeted by millions of grateful Iraqi people crying tears of joy, bearing flowers and gratefully receiving the chocolate traditionally thrown to peasants after their country has been blown to shit by America.
Since then, America, the land of the brave, has killed at least a million
people terrorists, lifting the spirits of the world community, and spreading democracy,peace and love to the country.
Although some Muslims may have died due to collateral damage, iRaq is now a democracy just like what America is. Although America, land of the brave, has several permanent bases in iRaq, it intends to withdraw soon.
Maybe next year or something.
U.S Military in iRaq[edit | edit source]
The U.S currently has a force of around 20 million rednecks, latinos, and ghetto black which are to be considered
slaved forever to be in iRaq. As well as spreading American values to the simple people of Iraq, these soldiers also earn $6.75 an hour.
British Military in iRaq[edit | edit source]
The British were cunningly tricked into joining the war in iRaq by Al Gore who promised them the chance to kill Pakis, just like in ye golden days of olde.
However, they now rarely venture out of their base, preferring to stay in with a nice cup of tea instead, and when they do venture out they are almost always killed by American friendly fire.
The British Army in iRaq are a traditional British blend of queers and Muslim hating peasants and are led by Generals Sir Elton John and George Michael, formerly of Wham!.
They have no motorised vehicles, guns or helicopters and in combat are forced to rely on sticks and kicking people in the balls.
iRaqi Weather[edit | edit source]
The weather in iRaq is generally Sunni in the north and Shite in the south, with some Kurdstorms in the far, far north. Every year their will be a bullet rain for 5-6 days for decreasing population by around 98%
It does however enjoy a 15 minute period of winter sometime between January 12th and January 15th where US soldiers generally wear their cold weather gear and wonder "Why the hell am I freaking freezing and its only 65 degrees!!!!!1"
Wildlife of Iraq[edit | edit source]
iRaq has several endemic species, such as terrorists, which are to be found throughout the country, and Americans who can often been seen engaging children from helicopters, blowing shit up to spread democracy or playing Quake 3 in the Green Zone whilst pissed up on booze.
Suicide Bombers: This sub-specie sadly has a rather short lifespan of 12-15 seconds. They can be found at any densely populated area or near the Green Zone.
Al-Qaeda: There are lots of Al-Qaeda in iRaq. That's a fact.
Militia: The most common sub-specie. Pretty much everyone is a militia of some sort, including women, children, old men, and Americans.
Americans - Upstanding parables of virtue, spreading democracy, McDonalds and Christian family values around the world. They are a peaceful people despite having collateral damaged at least 600000 countries since the first episode of Friends.
Tourism[edit | edit source]
Abu Ghraib, a new tourist idea for the whole family! You to can waterboard a terriost, just like Jack Bauer.
Warning: Only for patriotic Americans! After you're done go visit the 364th US Embassy. At 37 hours old, it's the oldest building in the country.
Porn! Lots and lots of amputee porn! Just wander down the street, and you'll see lots and lots of amputees, all from the side effects of our own invasion!
Art[edit | edit source]
Modern Iraqi art is dominated by the bold and dramatic theme of death.
Iraqi Exports and Imports[edit | edit source]
Iraq is well known for maintaining sand-worms its lush deserts. The farms are famous for deceiving the united nations and thus gained the slang name "Anthraxnohere" farms. Anthrax is hand grown and picked by orphaned Iraqi children and carefully placed in barrels to be packaged away to Britain. When Anthrax arrives at Britain is has many fates. The fates being; Released into the atmosphere and ending up in your lungs. Being placed in letters and posted to you and ending up in your lungs. Or being developed into a "Look Daddy, I'm a martyr too!" toy to be given to Muslim children when their balls drop, and ultimately ending up in your lungs".
Iraq is also the leading developer in Class A Virgins. Virgins are grown under the most professional means and then shipped up to paradise to be Allah's bitches 'n' hoes. Others are raped by Americans.
There is another export; Oil. although this is not anything to do with anything.
Other exports include; Sand, Oil (though this is of little importance and derives no real uses), A thousand thank you's, Magic Carpets (Supplied to textile world) and cannon fodder for Americans.
Iraqi Imports heavily outweigh their exports in quantity and consist of; AK-47's, R2-D2's, WD-40's, 13-37's, N0-0b's and Sand (Which they then export...). Iraqi's often take a liking to war vehicles such as the "LM-AO" tank. The Lm-ao tank was named because of the fact it is a Heinz Baked Beans tin with wheels and a AK-97 as a turret. Iraqis are known as Space Orcs because they basically act similar to the fictional Warhammer 40k Space orcs in scavenging anything metal. They also share similar appearance and facial structure as Space Orcs. The common Iraqi is said to become a man the minute he holds an ak-47 and shoots his virgin wife, rape her and then revive her with a +10 heal spell he bought from a mana store. Thus, the high demand for AK-47's which also come in a Necrophile edition.
US Takeover[edit | edit source]
Main article: 2003 Invasion of iRaq
iRaq was conquered by the British during the Middle Ages and was subsequently renamed to Afghanistan. Originally the plan was to masturbate the entire country into glass by Global Warming it, however this plan was discarded when the President George W. Bush at the time realized that how important
oild and money is if the United States of America "liberated" the iRaqis. It was true that Saddam was only playing Wizard Chess with his people, but the iRaqis loved him. The main reason for the invasion was for the flag design which offended a baboon, 3 dvd players, Mussolini, Stalin and Hitler. After successfully overthrowing the government(using the newly invented anti-iRaq cowbells) and tearing down the statue of Stadaaam Whosther', dictator of the country, Betsy Ross created the new flag which is much more patriotic. Ankit recently converted Osama Bin Laden to Christianity and is now the joint ruler of Iraq.
You are not entitled to view results of this poll before you have voted.
Weapons of mass destruction[edit | edit source]
ERROR 404: WMD could not be found. Abort, Retry, Invade? i [country] c:\civl_war> win Bad command or file name...try peace c:\civl_war> exit Bad or missing command interpreter...try nuke c:\civl_war> launch WMD.exe file could not be found...ask Saddam c:\civl_war> run nucular Bad command or pronunciation you dumbass American c:\civl_war> ping www.iraqwmd.com 4 sent, 0 received, 100% loss c:\civl_war> dir Directory of c:\civl_war 9/11/2001 <DIR> . 9/11/2001 <DIR> .. 5/24/2005 14kb saddam_stuff.txt c:\civl_war> netsh wmd ip reset log.txt c:\civl_war> netsh wmd r Bad command or file name (wmd r:) c:\civl_war> exit Error: The operation timed out.
Iraqi Joke OR Jordanian Joke?[edit | edit source]
A Jordanian found a magic lamp - a genie appeared and asked his wish. The man said, "I wish all these Iraqi refugees would go back across the border!"
"Why?" asked the genie, "whatever have we done to you?"
Politics[edit | edit source]
iRaq was under No-Ba'ath Party rule from 1968 to 2003, which caused the
hygienecleanliness of the nation to go down almost to the level [fill in your own punchline here, I'm not touching this one, even with a sanitary wipe]/ of Poland. In 1979 Saddam Hussein exterminated the government with peace jokes and remained president until 2003, when he was unseated by a US-led invasion of privacy.
On October 15, 2005, more than 63% of eligible iRaq users came out across the country to vote on whether to accept or reject the new constitution. On October 25, the vote was certified and the constitution passed with a 78% majority. Happy iRaqi citizens flashed purple thumbs to anyone who would look, certifying that they'd either just voted, or spent the night pricing cans of green beans at the local Safeway.Muwafak Toma was iraqs Head leader before Saddam Muwafaks Son was The greatest soccer player in the world .
iRaqi politicians have been under significant threat by the various factions that have promoted violence as a political weapon. The ongoing violence in iRaq has been incited by an amalgam of religious extremists that believe an Islamic Caliphate should rule, old regime Sunnis that had ruled under Saddam that want back the power they had, and iRaqi nationalists that are fighting against what they view as a foreign occupation. The fourth, shadowy, constituent to this conflict is the World Media, who incite daily riots and other outbursts, in the hopes of being able to sell a few more boxes of detergent back home during the prime-time news. Deaths in iRaq are caused by brave freedom fighters who hide in people's homes and blow up the guys walking across the street. The fact that they are killing more of their own religious brothers than the opposite side's insurgents does not seem to come to them.
iRaqs[edit | edit source]
From the iRaq buildingset advertisement:
- "A build your own Vietnam situation building set. Comes with: corrupt politicans, brainless/brainwashed citizens, large armies with real firearms and gaseous weapons, American Weapons of Care and Nurturing(aka Strategic Weapons aka Weapons of Collateral Damage), body parts and more. A small task force of Swedish UN weapons inspectors is also available in the collector's edition. For a small extra fee you also receive Anthrax, terrorists operatives suicide bombers and Boeing 737's. For specially hand crafted American and iRaqy tyrrants see registration form and contact your local Kremlin Office."
Did you know?[edit | edit source]
- iRaq could, if they wanted to kill all Jews and Poos in 35.7 seconds.
- iRaq is the only place to use the exclusive Clusterfuck 2.0 App
- iRaq is a country or.. was.
- iRaq once tried in 1980 to invade the iRan but lost due to no warranty.
- It was once said that iRaq was full of people with a population of 33,235,000, its not 500.95 as you can see its not a whole number as the rest of the guys body was blown off into iRan.
- Iraq was one of the first places on earth that was visited by aliens from another planet?. The Anunnaki from the planet Nibiru crash landed in Mesopotamia due to a shortage of fuel and was invited to stay there while they worked on manufacturing fuel from available minerals in the area. The machinery and computerized systems are still there today, since they never got out of the country. They built a series of caves to house their factory of turning sand and rocks into Gold which was their fuel's closest facsimile. This has always been known to other countries around the globe and France was befriending Iraq & Hussein at the time of the invasion by Bush and his cronies. America has since built a HUGE embassy over the caves at a cost of over $200 Billion of taxpayer money. This is providing a lab for the British & American scientists to continue their understanding of the machinery that was left behind. In a 4 year estimated time period we should be able to duplicate the methods that the aliens were using to manufacture Gold from earth's minerals. Now you know the Real story behind Bush's push into Iraq rather than searching for Bin Laden.
- iRaq is cool, but still smells of excretment... and napalm.
- iRaq's (non-existent) capital was built near Babylon capital.
- iRaq is currently attempting to get into the Guiness Book Of Records for having the most amount of AK - 47's per person than in any other country, they are behind Mozambique by 3.
Political and Social Reform[edit | edit source]
In 2010, following widespread civil war and unrest, president Byron Hadley drew up measures with the intent to restore order and peace - and if anyone broke the rules, he'd put every motherfucker in the infirmary!
1- Over in iraq (and for that matter, afghan), your day will be structured like there's certain tasks you've got to do. 2- If you go on holiday and you aren't fit when you come back, you will be disciplned, and it's not nice... 3- YOU WILL ENJOY YOUR COFFEE! 4- It is absolutely necessary to listen to the theme from Meet Joe Black, and Cigaross at least 50 times per day. 5- You must mercilessly make fun of your token fat friend and say he looks like an egg before poking his ears with toast fingers and asparagus. 6- Smashed up Apple-Mac hardware is the new official currency. 7- Whenever there is a sunset, you must walk directly towards it until it goes down. 8- All living rooms must contain at least 20 ornamental china plates. 9- Burnt hair is the new national dish. 10- The price of toilet roll rocket launchers will be raised from £3.50 to £3.52 to ensure that no blind dogs are harmed during combat.
Passing Croths[edit | edit source]
President Hadley also drew up rules for a new sport which aimed to improve international relations. Passing croths is largely based around morris dancing, but with greater emphasis on physical contact. A game is won by either setting the opponent's blue smoke pellet alight, or by slapping him with a raw steak. As of March 2010, the current champion is Ged Simmons from Scotland, recently successful in defending his title against Tim Tum Tee of Nepal.
See also[edit | edit source]
- 911 - Of course Saddam caused 911, it's the truth.
- Al Qaeda Chicken
- Middle East
- iRaq's Study Group recommendations
- Saddam Hussein
- Saddam's Trial
- George W. Bush
- Gulf War II (video game)
- iRaq War
- W's Missing Doughnuts
- Oil-for-food program
- Muhammed Saeed Al-Sahaf
- An Open Letter to Walter Beaman Jones Jr.
- A Tour of Baghdad
- Golf War
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