From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Republika Tudjmanistan
This is surely wrote by some jealous serb
Motto: We're in the EU, we're in the ...?, we're ...? ... Where are we?
Anthem: Narodna
Capital Zagreb
Official language(s) Croatian
Anything but Serbian!
Government Catholic Oligarchy Masquerading as Democratic Republic
‑ President Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović aka Ice-T's wife Coco
‑ Screwing Around Stjepan Mesić ("Stephen Littlemeat")
National Hero(es) Dražen Petrović, Goran Ivanišević, Alan Ford, Marko Perkovic Thompson
 of Independence
1939, from Kingdom Yugoslavia
Currency Otters
Religion TV
ritual coffee drinking
Population Not many, due to the wolves
Best actress Ševerina Vučković alias Ševe


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Croatia.

“It's the most beautiful country in the world”

~ Any Croatian outside Croatia

Croatia is the home of the only ex-Yugoslavians who were right—as long as you ignore that business about invading Herzegovina and blowing up a 600-year-old bridge for no good reason.

Croats believe they are Aryans, Goths, Iranians, Avars, Bulgarians, Slavs, Illyrians and who-knows-what-else, all at once. Everything but Serbs. Essentially, this means their parentage is unclear.

When a Croat is bored of the country, he goes to Germany, which already has more Croats than Croatia does. When there, he will never stop saying that Croatia is the most beautiful country in the world.


The map of Croatia looks like the letter C (although perhaps it is a boomerang, a croissant, or a dragon, which actually also shows how hard-working the Croats are. They are so tired after sleeping at work all day that they need to sleep a few more hours, especially when they miss the daily dose of the national drugs, coffee and gossip. The drowsiness is expressed in typical regional expressions: "I-don't-feel-like-it" and "I-don't-want-to."

Dubrovnik, probably not built by Croatians

The Croatian capital, Zagreb, is mostly inhabited by students and other non-natives. There is an urban legend about people actually born in Zagreb, but all witnesses have disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Zagreb is home to 101 Dalmatians. All the grass in Zagreb has been eaten by cattle that mysteriously came from the east.


Croatia comprises two regions, the inland (also known as Slavonia and Središnja Hrvatska), which was part of Hungary for a thousand years and therefore thinks it is really Austria, and the coast (also known as Dalmatia, Primorje and Istria), which was part of the Venetian Republic for a thousand years and therefore thinks it is really Italy. The two parts despise each other; the pale-skinned inlanders for their coffee addiction, the tanned coastals for their obsequiousness to foreign tourists. The two have nothing in common except religion and hatred of Serbs.

The two regions have different dialects of Croatian. You can tell which part of the country you are in by looking at the locals. If they sit in front of their houses, you are in southern Croatia. If they sit in front of their houses, you would be in northern Croatia.

The seacoast region (also known as magyar tenger) mainly lets Croatian fire brigades compete to see which has the better Jeep. There are also some serious fires, but the fire brigades do not fight them, as there is no budget for suitable equipment after buying the snazzy all-terrain vehicles.


Croatia's history is long and glorious (at least, according to Croats), although until 1991, Croatia never really existed as an independent country.

Through recorded history, Croats were subjects of the Avars, Franks, Byzantines, Hungarians, Venetians, and Austrians (and, since 1918, the Serbs). Nevertheless, this long servitude has had a strong impact on the Croatian psyche and has given Croats plenty of time to create a glorious virtual history with innumerable heroes, kings and princes, their own statehood and the Parliament. Some Croats claim to be descendants of the Hungarian whores and Serbian officers serving in Austrian and Hungarian armies, though they did not consider themselves Croats and did not speak any Croatian.

Croats have a long history of falling out with anyone with whom they happen to be in a union (Romans, Germans, Austrians, Czechs, Hungarians, Slovaks, Slovenes, Serbs, Macedonians, Montenegrians, Bosniaks, Klingons, Smurfs, Barbies, etc.). In honor of that, they named a city on the Adriatic coast Split. However, the only real war Croatia ever fought was against Greece in 1992. They lost, of course, but Croats, as always, were not to blame. Albania did not give the Croatian phalanx of elephants free passage across the mountains and Croatia, lacking a navy, had to surrender.


The narodna noshnja is an export, like cigarette smoke or coffee stains.

Croatia's major exports are sunshine, fortified homemade liquor, dark tan, nice vacation memories, and pregnant tourists. Minor exports are popular music, unusual clothes (called narodna nosnja), digestive problems caused by a wide variety of food that compels people to overeat, and curable sexual diseases. Croatian Generals are also exported, mostly to Den Haag, if not misplaced in transit.

Tourist services are well-developed; they will tell you so. Croatia makes more of its few-hundred-kilometer coastline than neighboring Hungary does with the 90 km Balaton Lake. Fully two of Croatia's many beaches have sand instead of the typical rocks. It is a matter of national pride that a beachfront theme is, "Experience the true Sahara," a truly creative way to put a happy face on chronic outages of the fresh-water system.

Apart from robbing and exploiting tourists, a significant source of national income is foreign loans. They are not really loans, as Croatia has no serious intention to repay them.


Croatian science (or znanost, knowledge) marches on with the invention of a perpetual motion machine. The announcement of this invention, the "gravitational engine" of inventor Miroslav Stabek of Sarajevo, appeared in the authoritative Croatian state news agency Hina, to dispel all doubt as to its believability. The announcement stressed that "all proceeds from the product over the next two years will go to the Croatian state budget."

News of this invention by a Croat will elate all Croats who are striving to prove that Nikola Tesla indeed sent a cable to some Croatian politician. According to the only available copy of the cable, the one on display in Zagreb, Tesla (a 100% Serb) said he was proud of his Serbian lineage and of the "Croatian homeland," even though, at the time of Tesla's birth and boyhood, the "Croatian homeland" was called the Serbian Military Front, was populated mainly by Serbs, and was ruled directly by the Viennese Court.


Croatian culture is rather a contradiction in terms, but Croats live in a fantasy of having a very rich culture. If one asks you how you like their culture, please just smile and nod. The abundance of cultural and natural treasures in Croatia are mostly remnants of foreign domination.


Croats are very hospitable and friendly (except to Slovenians and Serbs). They are curious to quickly know everything about you for use in the sport "What-Did-They-Do?" Most Croats are very communicative, immediately and emphatically answering in the negative and staring whenever a tourist asks whether they speak English.

You will find very devoted customer care. Shopkeepers will continue touting their merchandise even after you insist you can't speak Croatian. And if a Croat should do something noble, he won't stop bragging about it: Ja sam tebi brate tada pomogo, a ti meni ovako sad!


The primary language of Croatia is, oddly, Croatian. Any other language is fine too, if it brings tourist dollars and euros to Our Beautiful (LIJEPU NAŠU), as they call their country. (Since the dawning of the euro era, they have instead called it Our Expensive.)

The Croatian language largely consists of trying to avoid vowels, with double points for using z's and j's. The creator of Wheel of Fortune—the game show in which contestants can "buy a vowel"—was a Croat, though Croats never buy vowels but save their money for coffee and beer.

Croatian is totally different from Serbian despite common roots. For example: tea in Croatian is said ćaj but in Serbian it is said čaj. If you already speak Serbian, it is easy to learn Croatian. Just add "J" wherever possible, omit vowels at the end of words, turn every "Č" into "Ć", finish every question with "ne?", and above all, speak in an effeminate manner. Some Croats speak Slovenian and it is easy to recognize them: They just mumble "kaj" and act like drunk farmers.

When Croats aren't talking about Serbs, they brag about how much you can curse in Croatian, with curse words that proudly can't be translated into any other language. Every other word in Croatian is kurac, which can mean anything.

The key sentence in any Croatian phrase-book is "We should do it" (or, "It should be done"). For over 1300 years, this has marked the approach to national sovereignty. Recently, the Croatian National Academy started a degree program in Should-be-ology. After proclaiming the independent Republic of Croatia in 1991, this sentence has become the national excuse for everything from establishing the Law of Rights to making the ferry come on time during summer.


Croatians are avid sports fans. Croatian athletes have won international renown, but inside Croatia, the most popular sports are Coffee-Cup Lifting, Smoking and "What-Did-They-Do?” These sports require intensive training, typically at coffee shops, even during working hours. Employers support Croatian sports by excusing work absences. The most famous Croatian sportsman is Janica Kostelich. Her big ass is the main reason why she keeps on going down the hill that fast. She, like fellow skier Ivica Kostelich, looks male but has a female name.

Another popular sport in Croatia is beer drinking. It links the population to the Czech Republic. Old men and teenagers train for this sport all day every day. They sit in bars (the kafic) and try to zbariti the waitress.

A recent new sport has a simple rule: You just have to priječi granicu, kill as many Serbs as possible, and burn down their homes. The winner becomes a national hero and wins a lifetime vacation in Haag. Croatians celebrate every defeat of the Serbian national team, in any sport, by any opponent, as enthusiastically as they celebrate Croatia's own victories.


Croatian popular music is considered tolerable, especially in surrounding countries.

The most notable Croatian star is Severina, at least among connoisseurs of pornography. Her private video is the most watched film in the Balkans; and she sings too, as though anyone is listening. Her singing is most often accompanied by the national instrument, which is clapping hands. (Thus the name of this genre of music, klapa.)

Traditional music is sung in cafés (bument is the "prim" which can only be played by flaming homosexuals). One of the most popular Croatian Guitar/Bass/Drums/Harmonica/Gajde/Piano/Ukulele/Triangle/Harp/Dajguze/Anal Drombulja/Vibrafone players iz Zoran Vincic or "Zvina." He loves to say "Pićka" and is a 21-year-old virgin.

Some undying bands that just keep making new albums like some people just can't face the facts that they are u kurcu (a strong state of mind/life like depression, when you're over 30, don't have a job, and still live with your parents). The prevalent national musical genre is Sviranje Kurcu. However, even though most of the Croatians try to deny it, artists like Prljavo Kazaliste are still roaming the land, singing out-of-date pop/rock ballads to unwilling audiences.

Current Developments[edit]

Croatia is now trying hard to become a protectorate of the European Union, a natural consequence of centuries of foreign domination and its effect on the Croatian national character. However, Croatia is not expected to get this protectorate before the Ottoman Empire does. No matter, as long as they get in before Serbia.

See also[edit]

Jugoslaviaflag.JPG Socialistic Federal Republic of Yugoslavia Jugoslaviaflag.JPG

Montenegro | Bosnia and Herzegovina | Croatia | Slovenia | Serbia (Kosovo) | Macedonia