San Marino
Serenissima Repubblica di San Marino The Awesome and Serene Magic Kingdom of San Marino and Gift Shop San Fricking Marino | |||||
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| Motto: 'Libertas ("We have a castle, and you don't.") | |||||
| Anthem: "Complice" | |||||
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| Capital & Largest City | San Marino | ||||
| Official language(s) | Sanmarinese, Sindarin, Fricking Gibberish | ||||
| Government | Fricking republic | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Marinus of Rab | ||||
| Established | 301 A.D., by a fricking stonemason | ||||
| Currency | Diamond Coin (internationally known as diarrhea) | ||||
| Religion | Stonemasonry | ||||
| Population | 976,500 trillion, 947,650 it's a bit squished in! | ||||
| Major exports | Artificial planets gifted by their pizza papa | ||||
| Major imports | Everything besides their fricking castles | ||||
| Favourite pastime | Hyping their nation | ||||
“They're awesome people, gave me an artificial planet that generates quotes for me.”
San Marino is a weird dot positioned somewhere in Italy. Somehow these folks got it into their head that they're too good for Italy just because some fricking stonemason was persecuted by the Roman Empire. I suppose they have a point, because the elite decision-makers at Earth Politics HQ declared them a country.
History[edit | edit source]
San Marino was founded by a stonemason who ran away because the Roman Empire was mean to him. What a wimp. I wonder how the Marinoans have any sense of national pride? The only redeeming quality they have is that they are "the oldest existing constitutional republic", which nobody outside San Marino probably gives two shits about (except Mariano Calixte Pictet). They are also the "smallest country or other jurisdiction participating in European football competitions". Wow! I'm impressed. Why the hell does anybody care about the size of countries participating in European soccer competitons? You can play, that's great. Now piss off.
Alternate History[edit | edit source]
During recent years rumours about a horrible plan by the San Marinese government to take over the world have begun to surface, though much still remains unclear. Here follows an excerpt from "The History of San Marino: A story of true Evil" by famous historian, archeologist, biologist, scientist, teacher, ass kicker and Swede, General Appo (cue evil laugh):
“Before I start talking, this is General Appo. I predict a sneaky guy will steal my quote. Anyway, (deep breath) The origins of San Marino´s plans to take over the world are shrouded in mystery. Around 290 AD a man named Marinus the Dalmatian arose to power in Dalmatia, mainly through claiming to be directly related to Jesus Christ. Remember, this was before various churchly meetings decided that Jesus did not have children. In any case, Marinus acquired quite a gathering over the years trough his oratory skills, though it seems that to his closest followers he revealed that he did in fact not believe in his own claims, and rejected the idea of any god or gods, believing only in the divine right of the Holy Marinus, his legendary ancestor whom according to himself had almost conquered the world at the head of a army of undead before being defeated by a coalition of Egyptian and Hittite armies at the Battle of Remuzka in 1456 BC, as evidenced by writings found inside the pyramid of Pharaoh muvafukintopoker IIX. How Marinus would have gained access to the pyramid of an Egyptian Pharaoh and who exactly Pharaoh Toepoker IIX was has never been satisfactory explained. Anyway, Marinus soon thought of a plan to infiltrate and take control of the greatest power in the known world, the Roman Empire. Claiming to be the younger brother of fellow Dalmatian Emperor Diocletian Marinus temporarily managed to gather both many Christians and non-christian soldiers under his banner, but as his army prepared to march on Italy and Rome in the year of 302 AD, several deeply believing Christians overheard Marinus uttering anti-christian remarks and as the word spread across the camp all the Christians and recently-converted-to-Christianity-soldiers simply left and returned to their old villages and garrisons while some angered monkeys working for the Evil Monkey set Marinus tent on fire. Unaware of the departure of most of his army but alarmed by the distinctive heat emenating from his tent, Marinus rushed out his tent to find an abandoned camp, with only a few dozen monkeys left who proceeded to empty a barrel of human excrement on him before they too left. Shocked, Marinus few close followers took him to the coast, where they awaited news of Diocletian's reaction. It was not to be a mild one. Having been almost on the brink of utter defeat because of a Christian rabble rouser Diocletian decided that something must be done about the Christians, and so as a direct result of Marinus actions the Diocletianic Persecutions were begun in 303 AD. The order was also given for Marinus to be hunted down and killed, and receiving news of this secret order from a friend in Rome Marinus decided he must flee. Realising that no one would look for him in Italy, Marinus and his handful followers fled in a small fishing ship over the Adriatic Sea they arrived at the fishing town of Rimini near Ariminum where Caesar had once held his famous appeal to his legion at the Forum of Rimini. Marinus once again tried to encourage the population to follow him in rebellion, now claiming to be an incarnation of both Scipio Africanus, Spartacus and Moses, and with his amazing oratory skills he convinced the population to abandon their pagan gods and worship Marinus as the avatar of God. As word spread of the growing christian beliefs Diocletians agents were sent to Rimini, though it appears they remained unaware of the new rabble rousers identity. As the agents arrived escorted by many soldiers Marinus fled to the peak of nearby Mount Titano with perhaps 50 followers. After successfully seducing the noblewoman Felicissima who owned the land around Rimini, Felicissima bequeathed the little mountain to Marinus and his followers, urging them to always remain united, an advice Marinus and his descendants closely followed. Even though Marinus lived out the rest of his days in peace, overseeing the creation of houses and such suitable for a base of operations for the eventual overtake of the world, a few things more things are important to note. Since (with a few notable exceptions) no more people have ever been allowed to join the San Marinese than the children of the 50 who followed Marinus to Mount Titano, all San Marinese are descendants of these people. This not only means that the San Marinese are horribly inbreed, but since Marinus is told to have had at least 10 children with his followers, a large portion of the San Marinese population is directly descendant of the legendary founder of their nation. Seeing as both Marinus and the handful of close followers who left Dalmatia with him were all Dalmatians, the Marinese also shows a distinct Dalmatian heritage, as proven by DNA tests. Due to this actions in Rimini in the years following 303 AD almost 50 years later the Council or Rimini was held there at 359 AD to solve the issue of Arian controversy over the nature of divinity of Jesus Christ. Though the details of the various slightly differing definitions shall not be brought up here, it is interesting to note that an compromise had almost been reached between the supporters of the Creed of Sirmium (presented at Rimini) and the Creed of Nicaea, until the now almost 90 year old Marinus limped down from Mount Titano to deliver a final great speech, declaring that no such compromise should be made. Convinced that this strange old man was a messenger from God himself the bishops were once again at each other throats, vicious letters flying across the entire christian world. Though the split would take almost 100 more years to complete, without Marinus speech at Rimini it is unlikely that the Christian church would have splitd into an Orthodox and Roman Catholic part. Marinus is reported to have died of syphilis shortly after this event. Then they conquered Russia. Enough? (deep breath) do not trust the quote, this is General Appo, not that guy, reminding.”
Geography[edit | edit source]
San Marino consists of nine towns on nine hills. That's it. It's frickin' tiny. They're unlucky. Russia has all of Siberia, and it only uses it for mining, shaman rituals, and exiling capitalists. They should take it over. Too bad San Marino's army is about three people (as opposed to Liechtenstein's one-man army). They could still probably take on the USA with ease though, as the Marinoan crossbowman don't really do 'friendly fire' incidents, something which the US military frickin' excel in. Furthermore, the US has a history of losing to frickin' tiny places (Cuba, Vietnam, Iraq, Starbucks) so a loss to San Marino is frickin' likely. Since the marinoans are too proud of living in a tiny castle-republic, they've decided not to take over France, whose army already had surrendered to San Marino. One Marino marine said: "It'd be too easy for us to conquer France, but we like our village, so we just slept with their women and took all the wine and cheese"
Notable Marinoans[edit | edit source]
Other than "Dan", there are no notable Marinos, apart from their nice girls. San Marinese girls speak Italian and look just as sexy as Italian girls, which is pretty hot. However, if you marry a San Marinese girl, you will be able to be domiciled in San Marino for tax purposes and benefit from big tax breaks.
Sport[edit | edit source]
San Marino is renowned for their successful football team in spite of the country's small size. The national side made headlines with an emphatic 1–0 victory over powerhouse Liechtenstein in 2004, the winner coming courtesy of an own-goal from Mario Frick, which was subsequently claimed by Andy Selva. The team attracted widespread praise again in 2006 when they restricted three-time World Cup winners Germany to scoring 13 goals in a qualifying match for the 2008 European Championships. Their national team will never earn a win until 20 years later in the 2024-25 UEFA Nations Leauge, where they have demolished Liechtenstein on both legs with a 1-0 win at home and a 1-3 win away at Liechtenstein. So far this is the only team that San Marino has beaten, as there are no european clubs that has ever officially competed against San Marino in fear that they would be steamrolled by their impenetrable team.
San Marino probably has a hockey team.
