Hell's ass, Turkophagia, Turkoctonia
Debtocratic Republican Kingdom of Greece
Motto: in Greeklish: Do you like degrees?|
(Do you want more Greekness?)
The recommended Greekness is 78 degrees Farleftright.
"This is Sparta!"
in Greeklish: "DHESS HESS PARTA!!!"
|Anthem: *THIS IS SPARTA remix*|
|Previous capital||Athens, Nauplion, Istanbul, Rome, Spartaaaaaaa (in chronological order)|
|National Hero(es)||Doctor Who, Oscar Wilde, Ganymede, Graham Norton, the Village People, and anyone who's ever bummed|
|Currency||Greed (sickly white dogshit)|
|Population||10million, mostly homosexual|
|Ethnic groups||Gallifreyans, Muslims, goats, gays|
|Major exports||Negative balance sheets|
|Major imports||Euros, Stowaways|
|Two weeks in July, noon to midnight|
~ Every Greek man upon meeting another person
Debtocratic Republic of Greece, Hellacious Republic of Alas, Lather, Ladder, Grease, Geekland, Land which Reeks, Greebo, (Greek: Εεεεελλαααάδααααα // , listen: Media:Name of Greece.mp3), also known as The Kingdom of Bumming and Germany (Greek: Ποιος χλαπάκιασε το τυρί μου;), is mostly known for its invention of atonal music, anal sex, hairy asses, and city-roaming goats called Greeks.
Origins[edit | edit source]
Greece was founded in 1987 when Zeus did a gigantic fart and accidentally followed through. Hera was very unimpressed with this, as he was holding her head under the covers at the time, and while she washed her face in the bathroom, Zeus - anxious to avoid a literal eternity of passive-aggressive, toothy blowjobs - decided to fashion the pebbledashed eastern Mediterranean into a country and present it to her as a gift. He even managed to repurpose some sweetcorn, which he named Cyprus.
The rest of the story is lost to to the mists of time, but scholars believe that all Greek men being gay, all Greek women having hairy asses, the elevated sense of national pride even though they're living on sundried rocks of god shit, accents that sound like the gearbox in a Mexican taxi, and the alphabet made out of Microsoft Windings may well be the result of Zeus' penchant for Aldi-brand Ouzo.
History[edit | edit source]
The Greeks are a pompous people who like to claim they invented Europe, something they endlessly reminded the many many many different peoples who invaded their shitlands of over the years, which includes the Persians, the Macedonians, the Romans, the Venetians, Muslims, the British, Germany, themselves, Germany again, Muslims again, a shitload of goats, and Angela Merkel riding a tractor with an invoice in her hand (by far the most terrifying).
Persian Invasion[edit | edit source]
The first invasion occurred in 500BC when the Prince of Persia, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, led an army of seventeen men riding second-hand BMXs they'd got on ebay. The Greeks had never seen such advanced technology, and Athens fell in a matter of minutes, including at least two cigarette breaks. The Persians were also quite drunk (on Aldi-brand Ouzo), which explains why they picked Greece instead of literally any other country.
However, they didn't stay long. Once they sobered up, they realised they were in the Blue Oyster bar from Police Academy and beat a sharp Grexit, but naturally waited until after nightfall in case their friends found out where they'd been.
Macedonian Conquest[edit | edit source]
Later, the Macedonians arrived, led by Alexander the Great, a former waiter from Faliraki who was totes gay and also a bottom. Surprisingly, he was actually quite good at killing people, but then bottoms often do get quite psychotic when they're 40 and still single.
Under Alexander, the national anthem was changed to Can't Get You Out of My Head, and the national drink became a white wine spritzer. He later launched a successful conquest of Persia, largely because he liked nothing more than being fucked up his ass by Muslims, a trait later adopted by every single Greek man which continues to this day.
After his death, the result of anitbiotic resistant gonorrhoea from too many dirty cocks up his ass, Greece descended into anarchy, which no-one noticed, before its eventual conquest by the Romans.
Public Debt problems[edit | edit source]
Since the beginning of the year, The Greater Hellenic Debtocratic Republic has had a small problem of cash amounts. This is due to a few people in the government (who represent 0.00001% of the country's population) who spent all the public money on luxurious stuff, the fine life, and in corruption. Greece is known to be the best places to have enormous amounts of envelopes full of money, commonly known as Fakelakia (Φακελακια) (also known as baksheesh) that the people are used to give to the public functions such as the doctors, liars, err, lawyers and (of course) the tax claimers. Besides tourism, the envelopes are the main revenue sources of the country. However, Greece promises to Merkel's German Nazis (achtung!) and the American Republican Robber Barons to pay them back by other means of payments, such as anal sex or by farting on their own debts.
Government and politics[edit | edit source]
The Greeks invented democracy and the Romans converted it to the art of democratic corruption (which the Greeks also liked). Later on, the people realized they were much too lazy to govern themselves, so they formed a Senate to do it for them. Later on the Senate realized they couldn't be bothered so they convinced the people it was better to have a Prime Minister. These days the Prime Minister (whomever he is) is something similar to a Go Go Jesus doll from Dogma, a man of great presence and 3/6 of Kevin Bacon. His political party is called New Democracy (Νέα Δημοκρατία) because it redefined democracy, now a synonym of monarchy (μοναρχία). (Note: this party is subject to change until further notice.) In fact, they handled the administration over to George Michael, your regular power-hungry (and hairy) archbishop so it's more of a theocracy thing. The Prime Minister is well known for his appetite and has been said to be a direct descendant of Taz the Tasmanian Devil. This article does not cover the political opposition (αντιπολίτευση), as the parties responsible for that are Fast Forward, which is also noted by Final Fantasy fans to be in a state of petrification, and the Groucho, Harpo, Chico, and Karl Marx Flip-Flop Carnival Show. There have been reports that, besides these three parties, there actually exist, in Greece, ahem, let me catch my breath, more political parties, mostly belonging to the left. Sadly, credible evidence for this has yet to be put forth and said reports are generally considered wildly inaccurate. Singer Demis Roussos was crowned King of Greece in 1978. Greece was pleased to gain a Queen when Roussos married fellow recording artist Nana Mouskouri in 1987.
The current Minister of Foreign Affairs is the famous TV showman Tambakis.
SueTube Wars: Greece vs. Turkey[edit | edit source]
Greeks and Turks seem to fight over everything in general, while the most popular topics seem to be football, yoghurt and baklava, a dessert so filled with sugar that it might turn deadly when consumed in large amounts. Because both nations are well aware that they'll get really, really bored if they don't fight with each other on any platform possible, the national sport of both countries have lately been posting stupid videos on SueTube, which mainly consist of curses constructed in really bad grammar. The traditional theme of the videos is generally mothers (from each side) getting gang banged, and surprisingly, goat fucked. No-one knows how interspecies sex can be that big of an insult, but it apparently is a taboo for the youth of both nations, especially when Greeks are pretty much offended by it when they do it more regularly in private. The Turks always win, Gayreece is worst country and deserves to be destroyed
SueTube fights are held every week between teams of, say, Stavraetos666 and YoungTurkishWolf696969, and the game is continued until one of the teams' leader officially call emo.
The last major conflict occurred in 1989 when the two countries fought over a small pebble that a tourist dropped over the side of a ferry in the Aegean sea. Within minutes, a team of Turkish naval commandos had establish a small but significant presence on the pebble, raising fears in Thessaloniki that soon all pebbles would be seized by tiny little Turk soldiers. The Greek response was to increase domestic corruption, drink frappe and moan about everything so eventually the fuss died down. Then the Greeks spent a lot of Euro on themselves, couldn't pay the bill, and went whining to Mama Merkel to please give them more.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Greece is the most southern country in Pakistan (until they include Konstatinoupolis in it, it's in the Eurovision song contest after all so why not take it from there?) or the most southern country in Europe (a famous quote from a famous comedian-actor-football team owner-mayor, not all at the same time though:
|“||Gayreece is the only Mediterranean country with gay people, unlike Turkey, which actually has no gays, or Macedonia.||”|
It's funny in Greek so back off. Of course that was before the Nigerian import) or the most western country in Asia, cause, like...
Greeks have invented the Western Civilization and gay sex and brought the light to all those cavemen people in the rest of the known countries at the time (Some still prefer the caves though, better climate, warm in winter, breezy in the summer and best hide for extra-family activities. There are no lights which makes excuses very easy to come by, i.e. "Sorry I thought she was my girlfriend"). Mericans are excluded because 'Merica wasn't invented at the time. In fact the Greek philosophers back then had a Battle-Royal with the military buffs, which they won, so as not to invent it. They were defeated a few centuries later, hence the transatlantic mess ("We told you so" -philosophers).
Given that (the invention not the battle!), everyone should be very careful when addressing any issue for any matter at any time regarding any Greeks. Should trouble arise, the Greeks can at any point in time, even in the past (the future is certain), switch off the lights and throw whoever responsible back in the dark ages, the ancient times, the paleolithic era, the bigger the issue the farthest the time-slot. A perfect example that clearly demonstrates such consequences are the Chinese. They never had a rift with the Greeks and now they're the no. 1 power. But of course the Greek hand is always close to the switch, so they're aware and tread careful.
It's common knowledge, but will be denied at request, that Greeks invented the black a-hole. The person responsible for it, accidentally fell through it, before the hole vanished in a poof of smoke (had he seen he would've gotten the idea), and the slave who came later, back from the groceries, found only a badly written hand note where it was scribbled: "Back Hole". (N.B. Contrary to common belief, it's not a discovery, it's an invention. Tools are needed quite often and science was put to use). Greece is the home of a select 11+ million people, all of them educated, powerful, and beautiful (Greek women, especially, have some of the most beautiful facial hair in all Europe). Greeks are the greatest ethnicity of all time. They have their flaws, but they are funny ones.
Economy[edit | edit source]
Consists mostly of blackmailing the Republic of Macedonia. Other sectors include taking excessive and unmanageable levels of government debt and then blackmailing the Eurozone into bailing them out before the euro currency collapses and with it the entire Eurozone. Italy is also a leader in this sector, but currently doesn't measure up to the Hellass.
Tourism[edit | edit source]
If you're bored/curious/hungry enough to enter a taverna alone, don't expect to be served in a long amount of time. In Greece it's very unlikely that someone eats alone. One is usually waiting for someone or else why leave the flat in the first place? For the waiter it will be very impolite to ask for the order before all the guests have arrived. Though this has changed in the major tourist places, and especially for tourists (who are ridiculously easy to spot) but you can still find such behavior in villages most notably in the island of Crete and pretty much in most other islands.
In Greece you must adapt to GMT but in this case GMT stands (or often sits) for "Greek Mostly Time". The Greek people have a very different attitude to time. When the bus is scheduled to come 10:30 it will come between 10 and 11, depending on the traffic, how many people the driver has met and felt he should talk with, and many other small things. Or a local might tell you that the bus will arrive AFTER 4 pm! Then he hasn't promised too much. The Greek people don't live by the clock. The Greeks also have a different opinion about when it's morning, afternoon and evening. You say Good Morning until 12. If you have agreed to meet in the 'afternoon', the earliest meant by this will be 6:00 pm! In Greece, the evening meal begins no earlier than 9:00 pm. Also no one will think anything of it if you phone at 10.00pm at night. However, 'siesta' time, between 3 pm and 5 pm is held to be sacred. During a siesta, though, it is very unpopular (often bordering to dangerous and suicidal) to disturb someone. So it's not an oxymoron to hear loud shouts/screams/curses during siesta. These come from people who value this sacred time and they are addressed at the other 'malakes' who don't and who themselves engage in all sorts of activities which they cannot find another time but this to practice, such as drilling, hammering, furniture rearrangement, high-speed motorcycle drive-by's (no shooting though) etc.
Greeks enjoy the fine art of dance. If you tease them for it, they will promptly curse you out in Greek to show their intellectual superiority, then castrate and decapitate you, just to prove a point.
Transport[edit | edit source]
The principal transport means in the whole country is by donkey (75% of all employed Greeks drive an ass to work). Donkeys replaced the cars and the buses a few years ago, because the country can't afford gas, let alone roads and public transport, anymore. This is probably due to the public debt problem, but nobody knows for sure, because the government ledgers are so messed up. Carpooling for typical employed Greeks means 5 people on a donkey.
The typical Malakas driver throws bottles out of his vehicle's window (or off of his donkey's back) without caring about a possible accident-inducing trajectory or environmental impact. The most appropriate word that describes this attitude is "Ellinaras" (big Greek jerk). This attitude doesn't necessary involve a vehicle. The "Ellinaras" will throw away anything available but useless to him/her wherever possible. Usually it is within 2-3 metres (6-9 feet for drunk Britons and/or Yankees) from a designated area for that purpose (trash can, dump site, ashtray etc). In this context, this is the usual, short conversation between two smokers who cannot see the ashtray or bother to ask for one: "-So where's the ashtray? -Right underneath you jerk, the BIG one".
The Greek driver is always the best there is, whereas all the rest are just "malakes" (pl. of "malakas") and is an expert in fast driving, but only that. This can be verified by the geometric increase in the number of vehicle accidents every year, hence the favourite motto: "Going nowhere (but the tree) fast".
It is said that the only reason no Greek would drive an F1 car is that they have no horns.
Demographics[edit | edit source]
Most Hellenes are divided in two categories: Hellenares and Hellenarades. They are mostly the same thing: People who care for nothing more than football, sex, and themselves. When they cause damage, they always blame others. However there is one difference: Hellenares, in opposite to Hellenarades, have some decency when really needed. It is also said that this process is infecting immigrants as well, with Albanians living in Greece turning into Alvanares and Alvanarades, respectively.
- 100,001% Ancient Hellens
The minorities in Hellashole are a non-existent paradox, one of the rare known examples of applied anti-matter physics, they are there and they are not there in the same time and place. They are the basic philosophical implications of Nothing. Commonly they are referred to as Nothing by the Hellashole Government.
There is also the race of "psonia". It is hard to define it but in basic principle it's the young people who believe they are better than everyone else and flaunt it. Similar (or better) to chavs. A psonara (the female) can be spotted on the streets of the rich suburb of Kiffisia with a bird's nest hair style, sipping on a Starbucks frappuchino whereas a psonio (the male) is harder to spot. He has shoulder-length hair or hair-length shoulders, is gorgeous and knows it, very very loud and will hit on anything that moves. Of course, all Greek people use the term loosely for anyone who is annoying them at that moment.
Languages[edit | edit source]
Historically speaking, the Greek alphabet was developed by Athenusus Alphabetus, who was known to have a severe case of ADD (just like every other living Greek), hence the weird letters.
Apparently, even the Greeks don't seem to understand their alphabet... but if you are a stranger, and ask a greek to read a label or something, he will probably grab your ass, cup your face and start double penetration.
Another branch of the alphabet in Greece is known as the Geek language and consists more of numbers than of letters. On the other hand, their numbers consist of letters instead of numbers.
- "Μalaka (gr: Μαλάκα en:That which kills kittens)" or in the southern dialects, "Jackoff (n.)"
- "Αnde gamisou (gr: Άντε γαμήσου en: Fuck you)": Go and find your peace in a local theater, mainly used as a blessing
- "Gamo to mouni tis manas su / to spiti sou (gr: Γαμώ το μουνί της μάνας σου/ το σπίτι σου - en: I'm fucking your mother's pussy/your home)": Give my greetings to your family, mainly used in meetings.
Culture[edit | edit source]“Greeks have a lot to give us, and I think that personally I'm not big enough to fit all they have to offer.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Greek culture
It is well known that the ancient Greeks invented three things, civilization, ouzo, and sex. Modern Greeks invented just gyro and frappe, but hey, they have to rest too.
But of course, their biggest and most significant invention has been wrestling. Wrestling dates back to the ancient times, where it was practiced right after theatrical performance, to the delight of every man. Even then, wrestlers had to undergo a lot of training to achieve a
desirable rugged body. So yes, it is thanks to the Greeks that we got such a beautiful and entertaining sport as wrestling today.
Greeks show a particular interest in social topics of the people they know, and they're masters in the art of Culture Making). The process is widely known as ξεκατίνιασμα (ksekatiniasma) in honour of the Greek actress Katina Paxinou, who is thought to be the first person ever to have collected and recorded the proper rules of conduct. After Pericles, of course.
Philosophy[edit | edit source]
As well as being home to many Gods, Greece has also had its fair share of clever people (who mainly helped make up the Gods). Some philosophers to have lived in the country include Socrates (469BC - 399 BC). He was a teacher, and through his philosophy discussed many ideas that upset some people, including, rather stupidly, the government of the day. He was eventually given a choice of either leaving the country, or to die through drinking poison. As has been well recorded in history, faced with this tough choice, he decided to relocate to Brazil, where he helped the South American nation win 7 world cups, and spoken under the table after every match, introduced by Pele.
Other famous Greek philosophers were Plato and Aristotle, but Socrates ran rings around them with the ball at his feet.
Chauvinism[edit | edit source]
Officially there is equality between the sexes, but women are actually paid less. About 40% of the Greek women are engaged in active employment despite their proper place being at home, taking care of the 'malakas'. Greek women are not liable for obligatory military service and they love it; more time spent in shopping! When divorcing, all belongings are equally split between man and woman as neither of them can come to any compromise. Today a Greek woman may keep her maiden name when marrying and some do just to spite their husband. Greek women only give birth to half as many children, as they did before World War 2; this is probably a master plan of Zionists and Freemasons to reduce the number of Einsteins that have gained the monopoly in the world mind market and that caused many to argue and stop the exports. Arranged marriages are encouraged by law as is the payment of a dowry, so both actually apply but none will talk about it. The average life expectancy for Greek women is 917 years. For men it's 80 because they can only stand the women for 80 years.
Most women (and most men too) refer to (other) men as "malakas" (asshole, dick, jackass, wanker and also buddy, pal). It is cheesy, but becoming increasingly common, for women to use "malakas" to address other women. Studies haven't been conclusive but an increment in women's balls has been cited as a possible reason.
Cuisine[edit | edit source]
All Turkish and Arabic, but spelled in the Greek alphabet so as to appear as native people's food. It's no secret that before the arrival of Arabs and Turks the main food were stones. Fried stones, stone stir fry, stone soup and stones with Macedonian cream were the favourites of the Greeks. Strangely, the late-night greasy kebab so beloved of the English doesn't seem to be a feature of Greek cuisine.
Cinema[edit | edit source]
Perhaps the best movie ever made depicting the light-carrying, shining, famous, ancient and enormous Greek culture and civilization is "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", where with well established scientific methods, the pluralism of the Greek language was proved beyond any doubt along with the origins of modern English in Greek (in fact, the origin of every modern language from Greek). This movie is a favorite of fat bitches who dream of a rich WASPy guy who will sweep her off her feet and beg to get into her bizarre dysfunctional family.
This famous lack of success was mirrored by the sequel, Zorba the Greek, filmed entirely in a Gus Portokalos' restaurant in 1962. The hero, Basil (Ernest Hemingway), arrives in Crete to find that it is inhabited by a peculiar species of bloodthirsty peasant called the Cretin that likes to murder sexy widows and that can't even figure out a way to slide logs down steep hillsides. The heroic Zorba turns out not to be Greek at all, just a misplaced Mexican, so Basil thinks "sod it" and decides to get drunk and dance like an arthritic shepherd like everybody else.
Famous People[edit | edit source]
Greece is the home of many famous people. Socrates, Aristotle and Plato but they died some time ago. Other famous Greeks were Cleopatra, though she moved to Egypt for religious/incestuous reasons. Then the Romans came and religion and the Byzantine Empire so it wasn't until the 20th century that anyone can remember a famous Greek. Well one famous Turk was born in Greece, Thessalonika to be exact: Mustapha Kemal who later became famous for beating the Allies at Gallipoli in 1915-1916. He is now known as Kemal Atatürk and a man no one dares to make fun of in case they are arrested and their website taken down. Attaturk's birthplace in now a museum and has a 24 hour security to prevent Greeks attacking it if they lose against Turkey in football matches.
Other famous Greeks are the singers Demis_Roussos and Nana Mouskouri. Roussos was the Greek version of Tiny Tim or Barry White, though some suspected he was really Luciano Pavarotti's illegitmate half brother. Roussos lost weight and still sings on cruise ships. Mouskouri always wore glasses when she performed which made her look a bit like a librarian. However it is related that back stage she would let her hair down and 'swear like Pireaus sailor unloading suitcases from a passenger ferry'. Celine Dion has acknowledged Mouskouri as an important wardrobe inspiration (though minus the specs).
Jennifer Aniston is worshipped as a god by many Greek woman. Consquently when Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie, the Greek nation declared war on 'chisel face' and to this day Jolie has declined to visit the country for safety reasons. In contrast All Greek women are in love with George Clooney. He also cannot visit Greece in case his smothered to death by fans at Athens airport.
Sports[edit | edit source]
In term of sports, Greeks adore group sports.
Joint champions with the Turks in the friendly sports competitions organized during the last six centuries. These include such events as "rock climbing", "flag hoisting", "flag lowering", "who's fucking flag is that anyway?", "I can't see, it's too dark", "get that fucking goat off the rock, it's eating the flag", "it's okay, it's not our flag" and "fuck the flag, let´s go for the goat"". These games are usually organized on tiny, utterly useless islands, inhabited by goats, to promote local tourism.
Another important sport is arguing. Greeks do it non-stop, the ferocity with which they argue is directly proportional to the amount of frappé/ouzo in their blood at the time, however, even if sober and sleep deprived, they are the stubbornest people this world has yet to spawn. They will get together and talk about any number of topics, not to make conversation, but to, by trial and error, find a topic that is disagreed upon, and then spend the next 5 hours (minus any possible interference with siesta) arguing over it, usually to find that they have the same basic ideas, just with slightly different details. But now, they're satisfied!
Toss the Macedonians became Greece's national sport after the conquest of Greece by the 'Greek' Macedonians. No literally, they were forced to toss off Macedonians, but they didn't really mind. How else could they keep such firm bodies? It's not like they had stair master or steroids.
Greece's other national sport is sitting and drinking coffee for hours, preferably outdoors (weather permitting and more often than not it is) in squares or (ideally) by the beach. The average duration of a coffee-drinking session is around 3 hours, but the same group of people can be seen occupying a table for as much as 7-8 hours. During that time, members of the group come and go, others leave to run some errands and then return, by the 4th hour none of the original members is on the table, but don't be fooled, it is the same group of people! In popular places it is so hard to get a table, that you just have to hold on to it no matter what. This phenomenon explains the outrageous prices of coffee in Greece, as it's actually the space you re paying for (it's essentially real estate business, not catering). To compare equal things, an espresso costs 3 Euros in Athens and 0.70-1 Euro in "expensive, cosmopolitan" Milan. For other types of coffee, such as Freddo (based on espresso, inspired by the Italians but only known in Greece) you can pay as much as 7 Euros. On a sunny spring day, one can notice the number of 30 year old people who slothfully sip their coffee in outdoor cafes at 11:30 am on a Wednesday, and surprisingly can afford a 6 Euro Freddo, when they're apparently unemployed.
The most popular kind of coffee in Greece is the frappé (φραπές, φραπεδιά, φραπόγαλο (with milk), φραπεδούμπα). A sure indication of a good frappé is when it's so thick that the straw doesn't sink in it without having to push it down. Foreigners who wish to try Greek frappé for the first time, should not count on being able to sleep for the following 2 or 3 days and will need to hang anvils from their eyelids if they ever want to close them again.
Greeks will drink coffee at any time of the day, it's common to see people drinking frappè at midnight, before starting their night out (in Greece nobody goes clubbin' before 01:00 am, unless they want to help with cleaning).
Mythology[edit | edit source]
Before it became Christian, Greece had its own set of Gods. For example, before (the) Madonna, Aphrodite was the Goddess of love, lust and sex, and is thought to have been the most beautiful made up woman of all time. Apollo was the God of music, prophecies and archery, and was strongly associated with the Sun (although nobody bothered to tell NASA this before sending Tom Hanks into space).
In not too specific an order, other Greek gods to have been seen roaming around town after dark are: Hades (of the underworld), Poseidon (sea and horses – though not seahorses), Hera (marriage and childbirth), Dionysus (wine, parties, bit of a dude), Hephaestus (an inflammation of liver tissue), and finally of course Zeus, King of all the Gods and Lover of all mortal females.