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Sumer (/ˈsmər/; from Akkadian Šumeru; Sumerian 𒆠𒂗𒂠 ki-en-ĝir, approximately "Land of da Civulized Keengs" or "Native Land") was one of the early civilizations of the Ancient Near East. Located in the south of the present day U.S. province of Iraq. Sumer is widely considered to be the first civilization in history, and is credited with the invention of, among others, the sail boat, the wheel, writing, and 14.

The Early City State Period

Sumerians enjoying the fruits of civilization.

In the 6th Millennium B.C, a non-Semitic speaking people settled the southern Mesopotamia, and the discovery of alcohol created the impetus for the first large permanent Human cities. Using irrigation and the fertile silt from the rivers Tigris and Euphrates, the Sumerians raised large crops of wheat and barley, with which to desperately convert into beer as fast as possible. In time, the farming grew into large-scale cities with large populations that were larger, and bigger than others that were not so large, because they were small. The Sumerians developed the first complex societal organizations which allowed the advancement of technology, art, and science. They invented modern concepts as tax returns, desk jobs, and the nanny state. These improvements allowed the freedoms of the individual to slowly be whittled away, and the overbearing drudgery of modern society to slowly crush one's soul. With a drastically increasing population, mankind was able to further its age-old struggle against the environment considerably.

That damn environment.

However, the newly created city-states soon fell into conflict, with constant warfare over centuries the states were left weak and divided.

Sargon of Akkad

See ya later. Asshole.

Unable to see past their own petty differences, The Sumerian city states were ripe for conquest.[1] Meanwhile, to the North, the Akkadian King Sargon Deeznuts was gathering power. King Sargon led his armies on a path of conquest from North-Mesopotamia to the Persian Gulf, creating the first empire of human history. Said empire was short lived, as Sargon set sail to the West in search of new lands to conquer: never to be seen again. Modern scholars speculate that he is still forever trapped in the Bermuda Triangle, or he simply sailed off the Edge of the World.

UR III Renaissance

After the fall of the Akkadian Empire, Sumerian society experienced a cultural revival, and it is from this period that we get the most impressive artifacts. At the peak of its power, Sumerian influence reached from the Persian Gulf, to the Mediterranean Sea, to The Taurus Mountains. However, they apparently did not learn their lesson from last time, and soon went back to fighting amongst themselves. Sumer was overrun by Barbarians around 2000 B.C. and blotted out from the face of the Earth. It is rumored that sometimes,late at night, the Ghosts of Sumer Past can be heard eerily howling to the wind and scratching in the dirt in a vain attempt to prove that Pi is rational.


Ostrich Knife Fighting: A popular Ancient Sumerian drinking game and the precursor to Modern-Day Curling

The Sumerians were a deeply religious people, and spent most of their time struggling to squeeze some sustenance out of a harsh land. Rigorous labor and mercilessness in combat were the cherished characteristics of a Sumerian man. But that was only 4 days of a Sumerian week (which was 18 days.) On the weekend (14 days), Sumerian culture was highly centered around the consumption of large quantities of alcohol.[2] Thanks to them, we today have something to drink so we can forget about civilization as we huddle in a dirty bar and hope to die soon. The Epic of Gilgamesh is also one of the few surviving texts that have reached us today, and gives a unique glimpse into Sumerian culture. The hero, Gilgamesh, after a night of heavy drinking, wakes up with a severe hangover and finds he has incurred the wrath of almighty Ishtar. Hilarity ensues as Gilgamesh and his side kick Enkidu go on wacky adventures trying escape divine vengeance, and somewhere along the way, there is a philosophical moral on humans trying to reckon with their mortality thrown in.

Where are the Sumerians Now?

Dead and in Hell. They were just a couple thousand years too early to be saved by Jesus. Think that's unfair? Tough shit.

See also

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History of Civilization
  1. If only those fools had been able to see that Uruk was obviously the best. What, you don't think so?
  2. Why else would anyone in their right mind invent civilization?