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Royal Communist Democratic Republic of Portugal (Real República Democrática Comunista de Portugal)
Portugal.jpeg Portugalisgood.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Vai-se andando..."
Anthem: "A Portuguesa, Ó tempo, volta p'ra trás"
CapitalCIFRAO MAN!!!!
Largest cityLisbon
Official language(s)A strange dialect that sounds a lot like Russian and "The Sims" language.
GovernmentThe football republic: Cifrão man
National Hero(es)Fernando Mendes, Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa, Luis Figo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Jorge Gabriel, Saint Éder and José Carlos Malato.
CurrencyFootball (soccer) tickets and loans from the EU.
ReligionSoccerism, Soap-Opraism, Fatimism, Potatoism
Population4 million - Many many successful and dynamic brazilian "EXPORTERS" (and some successful and dynamic "EXPORTED" ones) and private entrepreneurs. A FEW extremely necessary highly efficient civil servants. Even fewer unemployed people. An inhabitant is a Portugoose (plural: Portugeese).
Major exportsBeautiful men, Cristiano Ronaldo(CR9), Nandos and pimba music
Major importsCod (not the video game), illegal Brazilians, University qualified Eastern Europeans to do shitty jobs
Hours of
9AM to 10AM; 11AM to 1PM; 3PM to 4PM.

Portugal (pronounced Poor-Chu-Gull) is located in Europe. Portugal was founded ahead of time by goblins who named the province of Sportugal after their love of snooker and F1. The Portuguese are known to be pioneers in world navigation, while brave Portuguese sailed far away, establishing cod trading posts in Africa, South America, India, Japan, and Iceland (they only kept Iceland because they had no cod from the rest). After a long day of sailing to Jamaica, where they planned to take control, they stole all their marijuana and called it "mon", a storm prepared for the South American coast. The Portuguese then decided to "fertilize" the land with their semen and kill all Tarzan-looking natives. This land had a mysterious power as all Portuguese explorers felt "warm" for each other after being 30 minutes. The land was then named Brazil because of the Basil herb, which has been known as the gay herb since the Portuguese dictator Jesus said it. Since then, all Portuguese homosexuals, blacks and Portuguese prostitutes have been banished to that land as punishment. (Much like Great Britain and Australia). There are also rumors that there is a trading post located in Pluto, where explorer Vasco da Gama presented Cod, a species of fish much appreciated by everyone in Portugal, to Darth Vader. Vader liked the gift so much that he used force to corrupt every politician in Portugal and turned Eusebius into a bronze statue. The country's long-ruling ruler is the Sith Lord Socrates I.

The Portuguese are believed to be the best football players of all time. Although this has been proven to be false, it is true that every Portuguese baby is injected with a magnetic magnet that attracts many modern soccer balls and other shit. The Portuguese are also famous for their ability to capture horses, an ability that helped maintain the long interracial relationship with England, where horses were long extinct.

Locale[edit | edit source]

Portugal is located in the Iberian Peninsula in Northern Africa. Sharing borders with the Fundamentalist Christian Republic of Morocco and the Democratic Republic of Portugal also known as Spain.

The Capital of Portugal is said to be Lisbon (a.k.a London in Portuguese), a underwater cave renown for its chemical, mining and steel industries and hot lesbians. However, people from the North will call Lisbon a "land of Moors" and growl something like "Long live Puorto/Puerto, carago!"

You know your friend is Portuguese if

1) he/she has a pointed nose. 2) they have 300 different recipes using codfish as the main ingredient. 3) he/she forces food onto you. 4) if they have high cholesterol, are overweight or has diabetes

Interesting facts about Portugal[edit | edit source]

As you may know, the Portuguese love their potatoes and fish. In fact,they live in potatoes (the lord made potatoes to provide homes for the Portuguese). The origins of the Portuguese are unknown as they consist of Italians, Arabs, Blacks and what seems like Mexicans and anything local except Jews, where they make a great "wood replacement" to burn in case the heating stops working. Portugal changed its name to "Jesus-owns-this-shit" in 1988 AD from the less less popular Sportugal.

Many many successful and dynamic "EXPORTERS" (and some successful and dynamic "EXPORTED" ones) and private entrepreneurs. A FEW extremely necessary highly efficient civil servants. Even fewer unemployed people. Inhabitants are called Portugoose, plural form: Portugeese.

It is alleged that some Portugese people are in fact shape-shifting lizards with a goal of complete global control.

Religion[edit | edit source]

Portugal's men and women are strongly convinced that Jesus was a Portuguese citizen, although since 2009 there are claims that he was born in Amadora, which is Lisbon's backyard. It's quite relevant to mention that it was in Portugal, Belem (it's Portuguese for Bethlehem), that Jesus Christ was born to Portuguese couple named Jose and Maria and he was then carried by a space ship to Palestine. As a good Portuguese, Jesus loved wine, fish, Nandos and cheating. He also lived in Nazaré (Nazareth) for a while. If not for the Portuguese, mankind would lose their Pirate Ninja Jesus.

Portugal has also a great religious belief in the "Tres Pastorinhos", three children that saw an U.F.O. It was later made public that the U.F.O. was in fact Virgin Mary. There is now a religious cult around this, that concentrates in the city of "Fátima". The great amounts of money generated by this fanatic satanic right-wing cult (but somehow tolerated by the Communists) were, of course, used in the benefit of the homeless and the poor. They were NOT used to build a multi-million religious temple complex

Portugal Man of War[edit | edit source]

was a term used to describe famous actor and soccer star, Brady Hall (Phillmune Montoya) who was of Portuguese descent. He quickly climbed the ladder of puberlarity by his famous quote. "My bush is the biggest, ladies love the cushion" (later used by Adam Sandler in the movie Don't Mess With the Zohan. He retired from soccer to move back to his cork farm in Lisbon as well as London with his wife Carmen the Tuba, where he spent many a day raping babies, raising his prize winning mudkips, and painting his warhammer 40k Orks. He has been divorced once (Carmen the Tuba0 and has been remarried to Fidel Castro and young aquatic lad kroot Grant Gubleman where they butt sex a lot.

Natives[edit | edit source]

The inhabitants of Portugal came mainly from Atlantis, although due to the radiation caused by the atomic bombings of the Lusicatic-Angolan war the inhabitants became much smarter than they originally were.

Most Portuguese can be described as ignorant, poor dressers, short, and dark with some exceptions.

Or to have the abiltiy of calling yourself the average Portuguese women without correction. Please be aware: Portuguese people are the only people able to say that Portugal is the worse country in the world. Anyone else saying that will be severely insulted and will get "Cristiano Ronaldo is the best player in the world, asshole!" speech.

Misc[edit | edit source]

Portugal is the site of a new disease, and many of them are sick. The UN has suggested that any traveling to the country should stop, but the UN is filled with pussies... so no one cares. The only known cure for this disease is to have the infirmed eat the "Punheta de Bacalhau" (Codfish Wank), which is a Codfish and Tomato salad. Another interesting fact is that on July 4, 1996, Portugal was the only country that was not invaded by aliens. The aliens were found to be allergic to codfish guns. Nevertheless they took a souvenir from "Caldas da Rainha" where it's God shows in many different penis shapes which can be offered to any needed pilgrims.

History[edit | edit source]

Cave Art in Foz Coa - this cave painting represents ancient portuguese with a mustache; the man with the larger mustache was probably the mustachedresser

Archaic Period[edit | edit source]

Finding evidences[edit | edit source]

Portugal's most ancient archaeological proof was found by the archaeologist Indiana Jones somewhere in India. He identified this proof as being a three-legged monkey with Benfica's t-shirt. Harrison Ford, however, claimed Indiana's theory was wrong, insisting that it was a two-legged monkey with a Porto t-shirt. These controversial theories ended near 2043, when President James Marshall assured to the archaeological community that no one gives a fuck about archeology because it's 'mostly pots and shit anyways'. It is generally assumed that the common-held belief that Portugal was founded by intergalactic goblins is correct.

Ancient Way of Life[edit | edit source]

Codshield - codfish (bacalhau) became a deadly weapon invented by the portuguese

Ancient portugeese weren't too different from modern ones: men used mustache as soon as they were considered adult. The mustachedresser was called bigodeiro. They used codfish as a weapon. Os Lusíadas, an epic poem by Camões, sings about the Big Codfish War (yes, the poem was actually alive; ergo, it sang;), where Vasco da Gama discovers his ancestors in Neverland and fights against them for possession of the Codfish Mines in Norway. Camões describes fifteen kinds of weapons based on codfish. The most popular kind was undoubtedly the swordfish. Portuguese were also very prosperous people. Portuguese cities were the biggest in the world. Indiana Jones found the ruins of Fatima and concluded that it was bigger than Portugal itself.

Kings and such[edit | edit source]

Sorry, there have been no kings of Portugal. Portugal has been ruled by Socrates I (But King Eusebio may have also probably ruled for a while) for time immemorial since anyone can remember.

Trying to usurp the power[edit | edit source]

Mozart and Beethoven tried to rule Portugal during this period, but they never made it - King Eusebio just wouldn't let them. Wagner came with his gracious Valkyries trying to be king, but the best he could do was to build Portugal's first quality brothel. I got my first job there. Several statues from the latin-greek antiquity tried his luck, but they didn't know that Portuguese people were Latin- and lactose- and bronze- and statue-intolerant (the only intact statue in Portugal is King Eusebio's; all the others have at least a corrosive pigeon shitbomb).

Portugeese expansion[edit | edit source]

The portugeese people wanted for more peanuts to throw at Brazil and codfish. They constructed strong and fast ships and traveled all over the world! In one of their travels, they met Galileo, who taught them how to be killed by the Pope. Then they met Napoleon who taught how to be an Italian in France. As if it was not enough, they met Dante Alighieri, who taught them how to frighten by a Divine Comedy. These were quiet profitable learnings, and so the portugeese established secret colonies, which they disguised as codfish traders. There are also rumors that portugeese people were in Mozambique. Kofi Annan tried to steal info from the portugeese, but so far Mozambique is, still, a land to be found. But in all truth it wasn't until some Portugeese king or other married some bird from Lancaster (England) and had a lad called infant Henry did they really discover anything. Oh, and don't forget that Columbus was in fact the bastard half brother of the at the time king of Portugal. He wasn't born in Italy as many would make you believe, but in a little village called Cuba in the southern province of Alentejo.

Portugal - Spain: surprise buttsecks![edit | edit source]

This period consisted of both nations engaging in a rape war consisting of non-gay battles throughout North Africa. They later felt it was more appropriate to stage the battles in Brazil due to the fact that 98.999999% of the Brazilian population are homosexuals. Many Historians believe that the reason for this feud was due to Pokemon trading, as it is said that Portugal were fuming that Spain didn't deliver the Mudkip. The war ended due to the Brazilians wanting to join in.

The big move[edit | edit source]

Portugeese wanted to be closer to other civilizations. And so they started to separate Portugal from the mainland with a saw. The entire Portugal navigated through the Indic and Atlantic oceans, and finally they anchored near Iceland, a nice spot to catch more codfishes, and maybe the flu.

Modern Period[edit | edit source]

After they got tired from the cold, they colonized Iceland so that they could get codfish and went back to Iberia because they missed the sun. By then, they discovered that the codfish is Man's best friend after the dog. Some years later, FCPorto won the Champions League and got a lot of money by exporting José Mourinho, a.k.a. LisbonBlaster to the English as their don't want him in London! Porto invested that money to control the codfish trade and is using his profits to buy new players and prostitutes for referees.

This is a cartoon that ilustrates what the portuguese favorite activities are. These are also favorite activities in many of the English-speaking countries whose citizens are reading this, but it's totally okay to just pin this on the Portuguese because they're foreign.

Latest years[edit | edit source]

Even after controlling a huge empire, they surrendered the last colony in 1999, keeping only Iceland, for codfish, the island of Madeira so that they could get free bananas, and the Azores for pineapples. Years later, they began investing in wind power. The Portugal hope to amass a cloud.

Once a cloud is caught it will be tethered above the Algarve to dissuade Britons from buying any more holiday homes.

It is also believed that a cloud permanently occupies the space above Durão Barroso's head, the cloud is set to a permanent storm mode, which gives him that (kinda) serious look.

Government and Politics[edit | edit source]

Following the collapse of King Salazar, preceded by the Triumvirate of Júlia Pinheiro, Floribella and Infante D. Henrique, which led to the Civil War, Portugal's system of government is now the bananocracy, from which the country earned its cognomen of "República das Bananas"(Banana's Republic - NOT the nightclub). The objective of the bananocracy is to maintain power for the maximum of time possible without promoting any significative changes(which would put in risk the bananocracy). To this effect, the party currently in power must use a varying number of tricks, including many symbolic measures, while dismissing all responsibilities for the inevitable failures, claiming them to be the fault of past governments, and ocasionally, the Holy Spirit. This is sometimes referred to as the game of the "Batata Quente"(Hot Potato). Ejections in the executive are also much present, specially when the standard of living registers an important low. The standard of living in Portugal is measured by the smell of the olive oil on top of the codfish. When it presents a distinguishedly foul odor, the population gets depressed(also known as "ficar com os azeites") and begins having crisis of self-confidence. If the situation gets critical, the pharaoh may awaken from his sleep inside the Sarcophagus(located in Belém), and eject the government.

In Portugal, the power is exchanged between the two main parties: PS and PSD, who generally hold the office for 8 years each, before passing the testimony, an occasion of much rejoicing to everyone involved. During this event, the Portugeese demi-god Sebastião returns from Além Mar and magically resets everyone's memories, parting away again in the Nau Catrineta. The general population is unaware of this, and it is often rumored that one day Sebastião will emerge from the fog and return to Portugal permanently, to break the cycle and make all problems disappear instantaneously.

Politicians[edit | edit source]

  • Duke of Brangança, a King-wannabe of the Republic of Portugal and father of two children with huge
    unrememberable names, who actually are the gardener's kids.
  • The Demi-God Sebastian a king that left in one cloudy morning to buy milk and is yet to return.
  • Paulo Portas, the gay shown in the picture aside. He is told to have taken it up his ass by his Major when he was Minister of Defence.
  • Floribella, a Portugeese highly respected "singer", who forced Queen Júlia Pinheiro and Infante Don Henrique to withdraw their forces from the Great Portugeese Civil war, by torturing them with horrible childish songs until they submitted, being the first ruler of the Portugeese Republic.
  • José Pinto Coelho, some random neo-nazi from PNR, that is getting support from 14 year olds.
  • Alvaro Cunhal, The only portugeese male over 65 who didn't have a facelift, Also responsible for bringing down the birthrate due to being a baby-eating, homosexual communist.
  • Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa, the only guy in Portugal who knows how to pretend to read books.
  • Santana Lopes, a baby in an incubator who was Prime Minister for 4 months.
  • Salazar, Antonio Oliveira was one of the most powerful Kings of Portugal. After being born,Salazar overthrew whoever was in charge, and for some years, Portugal almost became one of the World's super-powers. Right now, people suspect he died like Christopher Reeve, but because of falling from a chair.
  • Maria Leal, the only woman who hasn't engaged in an homosexual act, also known for the great song called Dialetos de Ternura. This song is said to have killed King Eusébio and started the Portuguese Sithian Revolution, led by Sócrates I.
  • Luís Marques Mendes, the guiness world record holder for being the tallest midget in the world. He is also known for being Clara de Sousa best friend.
  • Sócrates I was the ruler of the Portuguese Empire from 2005 to 2011, in which a new spelling agreement was introduced. He was accused of corruption or something but anyways. Socrates led the Portuguese Scythian Revolution, started by Maria Leal, and defeated king Jorge Mendes and his dog Max in the legendary Pingo Doce Battle. He is also known for inventing the saying "Porreiro Pá".

and...all a bunch of people no one knows...

Economy[edit | edit source]

Imports[edit | edit source]

Although the DVDs of Gato Fedorento (literally means Stinky Cat) are imported from the seas of Switzerland. Their DVDs are the best ones, and one of them is the only one to ever have the word bidé (bidet) on the front cover (according to the DVD's front cover)
  • Codfish, from all over the world, mainly from the Portuguese Colony of Iceland; can taste good.....depends what drugs the fish was on...
  • Mustachedresser teachers;
  • Ukrainian doctors to work in civil construction;
  • Croatian smugglers who bring in Romanian Gypsies;
  • Spanish, French and German men looking for Portuguese pussy, because their wives are ugly as sin;
  • Brazilians, Africans, Asians and all kinds of parasites (the PNR wants to kick them out, that's why they are called evil neo-nazis);
  • Mostly low-quality football players;
  • Spanish, French and German women looking for Portuguese cock, because their husbands are gay as Liberace;
  • Random crap, such as Tokio Hotel;
  • Dentists;
  • Soap operas;
  • Brazilian prostitutes (Actually, the only reason for the invention of Brazil was to outsource the whore and homosexual-market);
  • advertisers;
  • music festivals;
  • Brazilian Soap Operas;
  • Really, really bad music, that somehow gets platinum;
  • Algarvian inglich al'raite?;
  • Gato Fedorento DVDs;
  • La Cucucaca Gallina is the annoying 1970's children show song;
  • British intelligence (kinda);
  • Little british girls named Maddie;
  • And Galicians.
  • Spanish cotton farmers
  • Those people who emigrate to France and come back here all cocky and not talking our obscure dialect;
  • South-Asian people that deliver food in their 2-wheeled hair dryers;
  • Rich chinese that get portugeese citizenship by investing in real estate and small shops that sell random crap.

Exports[edit | edit source]

  • Fugliness
  • The knowledge of diving
  • Orgasm wine
  • Nandos (e Zés);
  • Moroccans
  • Codifish;
  • Nelly Furtado;
  • Pregnant Portuguese Women;
  • Lazy Portuguese Men;
  • Port, port, more port, and port;
  • Super Bock and Sagres(beer);
  • The letter ‘u’;
  • Bragança's whores (originaly brazilian whores that imigrate in to Portugal);
  • Bragança's mothers (although they weren't on the cover of Time);
  • Porto's t-shirts; (which is Portugal's biggest exportation, next to Codfish);
  • José Mourinho, Luís Figo and Cristiano Ronaldo;
  • José Sendas (the one and only holy inventor of Magic and child prostitution);
  • Durão Barroso (now known as only José Barroso, or José Burroso ("burro", Portuguese for dumb), as George W. Bush liked to call him);
  • Pyramid's steel framework (estimated time to conclusion: 2937);
  • Pimba music;
  • Hi-pitch screaming by Mariza;
  • Lúcia Moniz (who?) on that movie Love Actually (yeah, right);
  • Sheep milk;
  • Green Port Wine;
  • Lupinus luteus;
  • Bakers and Grocers;
  • The cork;
  • André Sardet;
  • Toy (a Portuguese "pop-singer", not a toy... it's just Toy);
  • Switzerland's hired clock makers;
  • ZéZé Camarinha (ask any british female tourist in Algarve.); and
  • Chicken
  • people to England
  • Curses like "Caralho", "Foda-se" and "Merda" which are an essential part os the Portuguese language, and the last one, "Merda", was poorly copied by Spain, who says now "Mierda"
We are the champions!...

Portuguese Linguistic Cultural Heritage[edit | edit source]

Since the dawn of Portugal's foundation that their founder and people have used a number of curse words and insults that have lived trough out the ages and still are a part of their culturality.

Curse Words[edit | edit source]

Here are the most used curse words and their possible translation into current English. Go on, try to read them all out loud. If you can pull that out correctly, you get a free cookie  :)

  • Merda = Shit
  • Caralho, Pila, Piça, Sardão, Cobra-Zarolha = Cock
  • Foda-se = Fuck / Fuck it
  • Bosta, Trampa = Crap
  • Porra = Damn!
  • Esporra, Meita, Nhanha, Langonha = Cum
  • Cona, Patareca, Irmã, Pássara, Passarola, Passarinha, Pachacha, Crica, Cloaca, Palhalhona, Tranca, Entre-Folhos = Pussy (Pássara is a "female bird", Passarola is a "medium-sized female bird" and Passarinha is a "small female bird" - probably it is still a mistery to you, but it just doesn't have any relation to actual genital size)
  • Rata = Pussy (literally it means "female rat" and says a lot about Portuguese culture in comparison)
  • Grelo = Pussy (yep, another word for the female genitalia... but this time it's no animal; it's a vegetable. Honest! - We Portuguese sure are creative, right?...)
  • Colhões, Tomates = Cojones, balls
  • Broche, Mamada, Bóbó, Bico = Blowjob. (Broche is formally a "brooch", Mamada would be "suckjob" and Bico is "beak")
  • Punheta = Masturbachion
  • Cu, Peida = Ass
  • Olho do cu = Ass hole (literally, it is "eye of the ass". See also: goatse)
  • Bolas, Tomates = Balls, nuts (Tomates is, naturally, "tomatoes")
  • Puta = Bitch
  • Vaca = Bitch (yes, "vaca" means "cow"... here we go again;
  • Cabra = Goat. I mean, bitch. Oh well, you guessed it, it's both.
  • Cadela = Bitch. that's right, bitch. It also means female dog.
  • Paneleiro, Brasileiro, Pandulas, Panasca, Panuco, Bichona, Larilas, Borboleta, Rabeta, Boiola, Maricas, Roto = Queer, Gay
  • Canalha = Scoundrel
  • Filho da Puta = Son of a Bitch
  • Cabrão = Motherfucker (But the entry in the dictionary reads really large male goat... talk about bestiality!)
  • Chupista = Cocksucker (seldom used, but always fun)
  • Espanholada = Tittyfuck (it was actually invented by the Portuguese in their first contacts with Spanish girls and it is so far the only known useful purpose for the Spanish people ["Espanholada" may be roughly translated as "spanish wank"])
  • Caverna = Pussy literally

Insults[edit | edit source]

This is how portuguese insult each other. Try saying them yourself, it is powerful fun.

“In deed...”

~ Oscar Wilde on portuguese curse words
  • Filho-da-puta = Son of a bitch (literally, "son of a whore")
  • Filho-da-mãe = Son of a bitch (literally, "son of the mother", implies that the target's father is an unknown costumer of his mother)
  • Cabrão = Bastard/Motherfucker
  • Cabra = Bitch
  • Estúpido = Stupid
  • Matarruano = Some one form the farms, like a dingus, hill-billy. Can also be called dumbass.
  • Otário = Douchebag
  • Porco or Porcalhão = Usually used to define some one that has dirty thoughts or is purely a pig.
  • Puta, Brasileira = Essentially the same meaning as bitch, but shorter so you can say it more often in a short period of time.
  • Parva = Stupid, for girls
  • Vai pró inferno = literally, "go to hell".
  • Vai pró caralho! = literally, Go to cock.
  • Vai-te foder/Vai-te lixar = Go fuck yourself
  • Vai comer merda! = Go eat shit
  • Vai para a puta que te pariu = Go find the whore that gave birth to you
  • Maricas, Mariconso, Brasileiro, Paneleiro, Pandula, Panasca, Abichanado, Roto, Panisga, Panilas, Pina = Queer, since gays in portugal don't reveal themselves...for some reason( the ones that do, are immediately sent to live in Brazil)... so in portugal Gay = someone who is homosexual, like Pina! (Yes, we use Brazillians as curses many times. Let's just say we hate them)
  • Pega-de-empurrão = takes it from behind; gay; like a car, one who needs a push from behind to start up
  • Saloio, Bimbo = hick; redneck; anyone who's from London
  • Morcão = same as "Bimbo", pronounced morcõm, usually used to describe Portuguese from the South of the land... Lisbon, London and thereabouts
  • Monte de merda = Pile of shit
  • Vai fazer broches a cavalos = Go give blowjobs to horses
  • Vai educar o teu irmão = Go educate your brother
  • A tua mãe é um homem = Your mother is a man
  • Vou-te dar uma pilada na testa = I'm giving you a turkey slap in the forehead.

Some of these words are used in Brazil too (but brazilian's accent is unintelligible in Portugal. Portuguese people assumes that brazilians will always tell a gay joke. So, they decided to not understand Brazilians... ).

Chinese influence[edit | edit source]

During the development of the Portuguese language many Chinese sailors traveled to Portugal. Or the Portuguese went to China, who gives a flang, anyway the resulting influences on the language have produced a sister-speak to Engrish called Poltuguese which includes such phrases as "Muito Obligado" or "Vai queler quelepe?" which eventually made its way into contemporary Portuguese. This can be heard on 318.283.945 Chinese Shops and restaurants in Portugal as they don't pay taxes to live in our beloved pile of crap that some call country.In fact there are so many chinese people living within portuguese borders (including the sea meters) that the punch bag has long been untilized by the portuguese people, translacting however to using chinese people.

The Toilet Paper Heritage[edit | edit source]

Portuguese Linguistic Cultural Heritage contributed in a decisive way to the development of the well know mathematical theory of the Toilet Paper Paradox. Several Portuguese talkers, following the period of Portugition, in which Portuguese language, Portuguese import, Portuguese export and Portuguese laws were illegal, were obliged to secretly talk in Portuguese only at WC. The consequences were terrible; one of them was the Toilet Paper Crisis, closely related with the Toilet Paper Paradox. Following such paradox the Portuguese scientist Einstein (not the famous one, it's the half brother) created the general toilet paper relativity theory which allowed Portuguese fishermen to wrap codfish in the said toilet paper preserving them for generations to come.

Fun facts[edit | edit source]

Portugal, despite its Celtic (a code word for "Moors & Arabs"), Nordic and Aryan heritage, has over 500 years of North Africans, Black people and Gypsies in their country. The Portugese known for their xenophile tendencies intermarried them and pursue new fetishes with newly introduced minority groups: the tall hot blonde Hungaryians, Romanians and Ukraineian women through mail order bride catalogs. Those lonely dark, swarthy Portugee men want 'em bad.

Some of Portuguese men's favorite exchanges to their wives are "Maria, give me a beer", "Maria, where's dinner?", "Maria, kitchen!" and "Bad, bad Mary! You are here, you are eating!"

The vocal "u"[edit | edit source]

Portuguese language uses only 2 vocals:

  • The unexplainable sound vocale, typed "a", "e", "i" and sometimes "o".
  • The u sound (like Kung Fu or doom), typed "u" and sometimes "o".

That means, for instance, that the word Portugal is pronounced like Poortoogahl.

In fact, Portuguese was the first language that use the "u" vocal. Thanks to this, several vocabulary innovations were possible. Here are some examples:

  • Cows could say mooo for the first time;
  • Mad cows could say wohooo for the very first time;
  • Powder exploded for the first time actually sounding like boom;
  • You didn't exist before.

Portuguese People and Demographics[edit | edit source]

50% of Portugal are Africans, Asians and Fake Portuguese citizens (Brazilians with fake Portuguese passports). The native Portuguese are a mixture of Arabs, Blacks, Italians, Gypsies, Spaniards, Ukrainian hookers, more Africans and Mexicans. The very latest introduction to the population are Britons who migrated to Portugal from the British Isles of America ever since Easyjet was invented. Many Portuguese today look like Italians, Arabs, Africans and Gypsies and they discover at least 50 more genetic and ethnic origins there everyday.

A published report says the Portuguese population will be replaced by the proficuous Romania-born gypsy children, who beg on Portuguese cities' streets, skip school with their parents active support, wash car windscreens while creating huge traffic jams, steal wallets and wear many layers of dirty clothes - even in Portugal's hot summer. Most incredible are the matriarchal women (and very young girls) with hips as wide as they are tall. They wear shawls and dresses of wonderful reds, yellows, and blues - and will follow you like a bad smell nightmare in the streets begging for money. Adult gypsy males use to spent their time in prison or taking other people's property. All of them speak Romanian.

Portuguese Mythology[edit | edit source]

Ancient Period[edit | edit source]

Portugal has a rich patrimony of legend and folklore that arches back to the ancient magical kingdom of Lusitania, from where tales of rainbow colored Unicorns and big breasted , half-naked, blonde females, riding said Unicorns, allegedly had their origin and survive to this day. Much of the ancient myths were recorded in verse by Camões, in his film, The Lusiads, shortly after the invention of alphabetic writing. It is widely debated whether these legends already existed since the time of Paleolithic moustachedressers, or were the invention of Camões. Also, the question of whether Camões was smoking crack (or in place of crack, salt used to preserve codfish) subsists to this day. There is also the question of this one eyed poet being able to see anything at all, as legend tells it this man was a veritable Don Juan and had his eye poked out with his own pen by some annoyed husband.

Classical Period (Portuguese Expansion)[edit | edit source]

Adamastor, the legendary creature who took the life of many Portuguese explorers. He has now retired, and owns a restaurant in Costa da Caparica, known as "O Barbas" meaning "The bearded one".

Most of the characteristic folklore for which Portugal is known today, though, emanates from the expansion period, and the saga of explorers Vasco da Gama and Vale e Azevedo to find more codfish. This took them to the Norwegian Sea, where by accident they discovered Iceland, and were forced to fight an unequal war against the native indians, led by arch-enemy Col. Kurtz, who were far more numerous. Despite being overwhelmed, they managed to steal huge quantities of codfish before being rescued by D. Sebastião in the Nau Catrineta. On the way home, they face a sea monster of gargantuan proportions, Adamastor(on the photo), who destroys Nau Catrineta with a simple movement of his hand. After the codfish reserves were spread out on the ocean, the monster got briefly distracted and Vasco da Gama escaped, by swimming backstroke style. It was thought then that only Vasco da Gama and D. Sebastião survived the disaster; Vale e Azevedo and the crew sank into the revolving seas. Shortly before reaching Portuguese shores, Vasco da Gama discovered Spain. Legend tells that, once he arrived, the population mistreated him and offered him a shitty service in the hostal he stayed in, so, in return, he made them all talk with extremely annoying accents, as to warn off visitors, and then founded the Spanish Inquisition, which wasn’t really expected. Sebastião got back to Lisbon two years later after being booted out of London, but he didn't stay for long and sailed away in a cloudy morning to Além Mar to buy a milk - The Portuguese are still waiting for his return . Vale e Azevedo by dumb luck did survive leaping to shore on the backs of his sinking crew, on his way back home Vale e Azevedo came across the wreckege of Nau Catrineta which he improved into a famous yate that got him into jail... Later on, a Portuguese expedition lead by King Salazar would conquer Iceland, controlling much of the Codfish trade there, which was vital to Portuguese economy.

True facts about Portugal[edit | edit source]

It's true, you know...
  • Portugal was the first country to ever show a Death Metal version of Noddy's theme song on public television, played by Moonspell, a portuguese Death Metal band (with kids in the studio too). Video proof is shown here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_E2OTs_QS90
  • The Madeira islands has had the same president since 1974.
  • Everyone in Madeira who votes against this president will become unemployed.
  • Portugal is the only country to have a district with a president who ran away to Brazil for 5 years due to the police being after her. When she came back, she got freed of all acusations and became president of Felgueiras again.
  • Portugal wastes 12 000 € per football match on electricty.
  • Portugal forces their teachers to work in different districts than the ones they live in.
  • Lisbon (a.k.a. London), Portugal's capital, is spelt in a way that is very simlar to Lesbian (there was in fact a party in Lisbon for Lesbians from London named Lesboa - which can also mean HOT LESBIAN).
  • Even though there are lots of protests from the workers, claiming they are paid too little by the governement, a large part of the country goes to Brazil twice a year (summer vacation and New Year) during it's high seasons, they all drive cars, lunch on restaurants almost everyday and have house maids;
  • Portugal's President (Cavaco Silva) came from a small town in the South called Poço de Boliqueime (poço=well, as in the hole in the ground; de=of; Boliqueime=Burnt cake (bolo=cake, queime=burn)). After elected, he changed the name to Fonte de Boliqueime (fonte=fountain).
  • Portugal is one of the countries in Europe where there is most adverts between (and during) shows. Every 1 and a half hour movie is interrupted, while the best part is beginning, at least 3 times (in Titanic it's 5) by groups of 15 minutes, in cable channels, and 30 to 45 in national channels of adverts. Regardless of this, the radio station Comercial is one of the most listened to.
  • Portugal's magazine Sábado (sábado=saturday) comes out every Thursday.
  • Portugal show "Os Grandes Portugueses", where people could vote for who they believed to be the best Portuguese person of all time, was won by the only Portuguese Dictator of all time; Salazar (no relation to Founder of Hogwarts from Harry Potter ...we suppose [edit: Actually, JK Rowlings named Salazar Slytherin after this dictator]). Also, a parallel vote was made, called "Os Piores Portugueses"(The Worst Portuguese), in which People voted for the worst Portuguese...Salazar won this one as well.
  • Portugal has gone through 4 different Prime-Ministers in the past 5 years (Guterres, Barroso, Lopes and Socrates I)
  • The Prime-Minister of Portugal has a degree in engineering, however a diploma in his possession says he passed (but the date on it is a Sunday), a diploma in the city hall says he flunked and was missing some classes altogether, and all the teachers who taught his classes in his days say they've never seen him before.
  • Portuguese are known for spending almost 1.500€ (2,390.18 USD) in mobile phone messaging a year, teens go up to 2.500€ (3,983.64 USD).
  • Fernando Negrão, candidate for Lisbon Mayor after failing to become London Mayor, had a campaign called "Clean Up The Town". One afternoon he walked around the city delivering brooms to all the women he could find. NOTE: ONLY WOMEN FROM LONDON!
  • that portugal has more crappy articles than the english site (uncyclopedia idiots)
  • If it weren't for some portuguese women in the mid 1870's (namely D. Catarina), that went in vacation to England, the British wouldn't have the habit of drinking tea, neither would the "Tea time" exist.... (actually, it was earlier -- around the time of D. João I)
  • Portuguese students don't have to care about their grades and such, as they won't fail their classes if in the end of the school year the submit them selves to an exam that will set the final grades no matter what those grades were until that moment...even if the grades enough to fail...now that's progress, you can miss a whole year of classes then in the last weeks study and pass the year, ain't that something...?
  • There a currently no racial slurs for the Portuguese, so....

Tell the Portugee Spicks, Dagos and Polaqx to halt their gay blacklegendary ways.

Yada Parada[edit | edit source]

The first Portuguese-American to come out of the "Portuguese-American" closet. See Yada Parada. Since "he" was already outside Portugal, "he" was spared of being expelled to Brazil.