The first recorded mention of sin is documented in the Bible in the Book of Cialis, verse 2:16 — "The LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to feast upon any of the animals that The LORD God hath made unto you, but thou shalt not partaketh of the fruits of the trees, for they are high in carbs, and are truly the ingredients of sin." Even though Adam West told the others, Adams North, South and East made a human pyramid and climbed up to get enough fruit for the four of them as well as for Eve. Levitra 4:20 — "The woman saw that the fruit was low in fat,that it was both crisp and tasty to the tongue, that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was filled with enough fruit to make pies and brown bettys and dumplings and the like, she took of the fruit, and ate; and she gave some to the Adams with her, and they ate, except for Adam West, for he had sated his hunger with emus." God found out and was wicked pissed, as is told in in Levi 5:01 — "God said unto Eve and three of the Adams, Because you have done this, you are cursed above all livestock, and above every animal of the field. Your bellies will becomes bloated with fat. Your faces will be pocked with uneven scars and unhealing boils. Your children will be painful to the ear and lacking in the head. You have eaten of the Tree of Carbs and The LORD God has found out about it, and The LORD God disapproves."
While many adhere to a strict interpretation of man's first sin, several theologians have posited that Eve and the Adams sin was not that of a high-carb diet, but rather their ignoring the individualized health plans that were laid out for each of them by God. Many cite the Atkins Scrolls, which were uncovered by Geraldo Rivera in 1986, as proof that God does not consider carbohydrates to be an abomination. Most historians who have translated the scrolls from their original Ubbi-Dubbi agree that they contain the following passage:
- "Yea, for to each his own design; as many stars as there are in the sky so shall there be diets in the land. You shall eat only fruits and vegetables, and it shall please me. You shall eat no vegetables, except for baked potatoes and onion rings, and it shall please me. You shall eat exclusively from the King of Burgers and the Queen of Dairy, and it shall please me. Rejoice in your food, for this is a pleasure on Earth, you fatties."
Historical Perspective (continued)
Instead, these historians point to a different transgression as the original sin: the Sin of Sharing. The Holy Book of the Kindergartenants, Every Sin I Needed to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten, serves to corroborate this interpretation. Here are the Top Ten Sins, as outlined in "ESINtKILiK":
- 1) Don't share everything; when nothing is yours, then what's yours is nothing.
- 2) Don't play fair: the shared rules of men are nothing before the holy word of God.
- 3) Hit people, as a fist gives a lesson that the tongue can never impart.
- 4) Don't put things back where you found them, for order begets complacency.
- 5) Don't clean up your own mess.
- 6) Take things that aren't yours.
- 7) Don't say you are sorry when you hurt somebody, for the tongue will unlearn the lessons of the flesh.
- 8) Don't wash your hands before you eat, the waitress won't know your drink order and you'll slow down the process.
- 9) If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.
- 10) Hot chicks and cold beer are good for you.
Remember kiddies: if you commit sin, Sin will eat you!
As another product of God´s neverending boredom, He sto--CREATED a piece of paper, and then proceeded to write with his Almighty Pen of Eternal Ink. The document that He CREATED on that fateful day is known as "Harry Potter and the Seven Dwarfs" and its objective is to maintain humans under a strict law with punishment from flying monkeys looming over their heads if they fail to sell their souls to google.
The Seven Deadly Sins
- Lust - Any thought that involves having sex with anything, be it sentient or otherwise. This includes one´s own hand. (As proof that God hates lust, consider STDs.) One of the few God-approved forms of Lust include deriving pleasure from visions of virgins displaying their breasts on painted glass.
- Gluttony - Commonly known as the more selfish section of the Seven Sins, it is common knowledge that God created this law in order for large quantities of Cheez Whiz to remain intact for His enjoyment. Because God eats Cheez Whiz. Perhaps Satan does, too. In any case it is also common knowledge that they are one and the same entity.
- Greed - Quite obviously, the good things of the Universe — such as Broadway shows and designer jackets — do not come for free and actually require a hefty monetary price to be traded for them. Thus, it is imperative that no human ever craves to hold in his/her hands more than the exact quantity of 9.56 Canadian dollars, and thus the good things can be distributed among the good people: God, Leonardo Da Vinci, the Colonel and Oscar Wilde.
- Envy - It is completely prohibited to believe that the grass is greener on the other side. Actually, it is proven fact that one´s grass is greener than everyone else´s and this applies to every single person in the entire planet. Quite simply, an illusion and the lack of intellect that a supreme being has stops us from seeing this truth. Luckily, we will be able to understand it all in the next life, where we will also know the secret of why Brat´s mother was worthy of getting cured of asthma by God while Everyone Else deserves nothing but Hell.
- Wrath - Wrath is the act of throwing Pikachu plush toys across the room in an attempt to destroy Chinese Ming dynasty vases. However, this is only the standard definition of Wrath and there are many alternatives that are equally prohibited by President George Bush. Godzilla is surely the best-known case of Wrath. God sent a holy gorilla from Heaven to smite him with extreme prejudice.
- Sloth - The act of placing your gluteus on a comfy chair is severely looked down upon by God. He prefers it if we rather use our lives to erect ourselves in the direction of the Mighty Cockroach, a supreme being that will eventually and inevitably replace God when He retires, ruling humans with an extremely deplorable attitude. The eventual conquer of Cockroach is well known among the world´s leaders, but they have done nothing to stop the asteroid that will bring Cockroach to Earth. They did, however, film Armageddon, which provides interesting alternatives.
- Pride - Considered the Sin from which all other Sins are born, because Pride reproduces with Lust and they go at it like bunnies. Pride is also known as self-esteem or happiness and is completely banned from the ideas that a person can grasp. Therefore, feeling all warm and mushy inside is a capital offense punisheable by the force-feeding of lima beans. God likes us frail and emo.
In general, anything that makes you happy is often considered by God to be a sin. So start acting like an emo shit so you won't go to Hell! And, before you ask, yes; all those gay people with the rainbow flags are so getting fed beans in the next life. So there.
Honorary Eighth Sin:
- Contraception - Not only does God disapprove of lust/sex, he also disapproves of contraception. As the Popes and Billy Graham unceasingly remind us, sex is evil, but if you must have sex, be sure to make a baby in the process. If you fail to make a baby, then you have most certainly violated God's commandment to "Be
fruityfruitful and multiply" and used contraception. The Bible also states that he who uses contraception shall die. painfully.
But, oh wait! Is there something else? Yes, If you don't enjoy yourself in
life sex, you will go to hell too... Well, good luck!
Currently, the Roman Catholic Church is debating:
- Whether or not watching Oprah, or buying her egotistical magazine, should be added to the list of sins.
- Whether or not rape is a sin.
- Whether or not reading Uncyclopedia is a Mortal Sin or just a sin against nature.
Other Horrible Sins
- Suicide - Killing yourself means refusing and destroying God's creation. Therefore, he who kills himself will burn in Hell. Or not.
- Killing - When another living being is killed - purposely or otherwise - something created by God is destroyed. The only exception to this rule is when a filthy infedel non-Christian is murdered, for which God will send you to Heaven.
- Eating - Eating requires ingesting the dead remains of another living being, animal or vegetable, created by Our Lord. Unless the animal/plant in question was killed by somebody else, eating is a sin. However, even if you didn't kill the creature in question, eating anything, even an ounce more than is required to survive, will also be punished by an eternity in Hell.
- Existence - Since humans are imperfect beings, there is a 533.35% chance that you will go to Hell, no matter how good you are.
- Talking in a library - The American Library Association's main objective is lobbying to make talking in a library a capital crime, even in states that do not carry the death penalty. They have also lobbied to make coughing, sneezing, and taking deep breaths in a library punishable by tarring and feathering.
- If you are allergic to peanuts, avoid sinning as it could result in a rash, or syphilis.
- Sinning under streetlamps should be avoided at all costs... except those less than $50.
- Mixing Tylenol, music and any combination of the seven deadly sins could result in any of these conditions, and many more: shin splints, gum disease, gun disease, head lice, cheese, eternal burning in Hell, Western Jowel Syndrome, nausea, abnormal hair growth- especially nasal hair growth, uterine larvae, banjo plucking disease, hot flashes, night sweats, poutine addiction, floating poo, swollen eyebrows, Cooper's Droop, and intense desires to eat stray cats.