Seven Deadly Sins
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The Seven Deadly Sins are both seven and deadly. Whoever has the highest five-sin combination is immediately struck down.
... AND THE DEADLY SINS OF SEVEN BE:
- Nose-picking This is considered the evilest of all sins. Nose-picking is a surgery method employed by Jerry Q. Donaldson, who is actually Satan (don't tell anybody). The punishment for this in Hell is bathing with your grandfather.
- Kitten huffing Pretty self-explanatory. The punishment for this in Hell is being forced to listen to Boy Bands sing the oldies.
- Inventing the cotton gin Well, Eli Whitney is screwed on this one. The punishment for this in Hell is being forced to eat your face. You can ask Eli how he does it when you get there.
- Winking at a baby This one is puzzling. Winking has become in today's culture a positive thing, but back in the days of Ookalumba and Winston Churchill it was thought that winking meant you were a minion of Bill Cipher OR that you were imposing a curse on the winkee's soul. The punishment for this in Hell is eternal teabagging from a bull.
- Milking a goat on Wednesday Never ever milk a goat on Wednesday, or else your soul will be devoured and your mind will be forever tortured in the depths of Hell. (Think having to sit through high school sex-ed all over again. And again.)
- Hocking a loogie Loogies are Satan-food, especially when made in public. The punishment for this in Hell is forever making windchimes from your own genitals.
- Internet downloading* Despite RIAA's wishes, you should not download music off the Internet. Unless you enjoy slaving away for eternity. Your punishment in Hell will involve repeated belly flops into a pool of lava.
- Counting the number of sins that are deadly Believers and non-believers alike are wise to not criticize divine policy.
* In 1996 Internet downloading officially replaced murder as the seventh deadly sin.
See also
- The Ten Commandments
- The 13 painful but rarely fatal sins
- Mortal Sin
- Quotes from God
- The Seven Not-So-Deadly Sins
| The Seven Deadly Sins |
|---|
|
Greed - Wrath - Gluttony - Pornography - Envy - Indifference - SPAM |
| How can you even think of such things? |
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