~ Jesus on the Ten Commandments
The Ten Commandments are found in the Old Testament (in the books of Moses), Mad Magazine, and Hustler, although the original copyright is now expired. In the Bible they are recorded twice in the Pentateuch (Exodus 20, Deuteronomy 5, which means Exodus goes through to the next round). The versions in all these publications don't quite match up. We've tried to take a good average. There are many clues that the 10 commandments existed before the exodus and "sins" are identified, suggesting there is a law. The Sabbath was made on the seventh-day of creation, Adam and Eve weren't supposed to assume they could be gods (the forbidden "fruit" of egoism), and Cain played "god" by thinking he could work for his salvation and then got pissed at his brother for being so humble. The ten commandments are simply principles of sustaining life and to break them would cause death.
The other 5 commandments are found on the Rosetta Stone, which commonly and incorrectly thought to be a decree from King Ptolemy (Pronounced "Ver-SAI") the V (V is roman for "I'll eat anything star-shaped").
Recently, Moses filed a lawsuit against God claiming that God transferred the copyright to him when he gave him the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai. However, God, who was in a defensive position for the first time in his life, argued that the Ten Commandments were only fair use. The Lawsuit was won in favor of Moses in which God proceeded to license it under a GNU Free Document License. The original copyright was renewed eight times at the Library of Congress, and is still under perpetual royal copyright by the British crown.
The tablets were then sent to Moses by FedEx, who charged extra because of the weight of the package, and the poor vehicular access to Mount Sinai. Don't even ask about the import duties. Ironically, the tracking number for the tablets was '666-69-666-8'. 8 is also evil.
There were originally fifteen and a half commandments but Moses, having sore fingers from chiseling three slabs of rock, dropped a tablet. Through the rest of exodus, moses is known as "butterfingers." [Citation needed.] The five and a half commandments were discarded as being "too conservative" and five were rediscovered recently written in mustard stains on the wall of a gymnasium in West Virginia. The half commandment can be found on display on the side of the Quentulus Quazgar mountains on planet Preliumtarn. It reads "We apologize for the inconvenience". When news of the half commandment reached Earth, the only life on Earth was a few ferns so an alien scrawled it on a rock and left. In biblical times, Jacob used the rock as a pillow and inadvertently scratched out the words. A year ago, Uncyclopedia editors sent an emissary to planet Preliumtarn to send back the half commandment. A more unscrupulous wiki would have changed the commandments to fit their needs.
The Official Uncyclopedia Version of the Fifteen and a Half Commandments read as follows:
1. I am da boss.
2. Thou shalt have no other god but me. *Cough* Hindus *cough*
3. Thou shalt not say oh my god in a bad valley girl voice
4. Thou shalt rest and relax on the Sabbath day. (this can include skipping church, if church relaxeth you not)
5. Thou shalt honor thy mother and father, especially if thy name is Eminem or Jesus
6. Thou shalt give your hot blonde chicks to christ
7-8. Blah blah blah be good blah blah blah be horny blah blah blah
9. Thou shalt not let Mormons in thy home. They eat babies.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors possessions. Steal them instead.
11. Thou shalt not steal any possessions but those of thy smug asshole neighbor.
12. Thou shalt go to thy gym regularly.
14. Thou shalt stone cab drivers on sight. They are spawn of Satan
15. Thou shalt not get stoned or thou wilst be stoned. (Rabbi Adam Sandler's Interpretation: Don't break any of these commandments. Pope Anakin's Interpretation: no weed)
15 1/2. Wikipedia is unscrupulous. They would try to change commandments. Satanists.
Those Ten Commandments in full:
- Thou shalt not spank thyself, as for this is a sin. But most men and women, such as, His Greatness, Harold, Shall do it anyway. And THOU SHALT ENJOY IT!
- Thou shalt have no more than one hoe without the appropriate hoe licence. Calleth 800-OTHER-hoes for our offers on other hoes. Call charges apply. 1-976-FOR-whores is an unrelated but more entertaining line. Call charges apply there too. bitch fags, Urd, and Skuld are our callers. (Please Note: An extra 47 cents per minute service charge applies to Iowa, Palestine and every country with the word 'gay' in the name) Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image with the GNU Image Manipulation Program. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain, so no crying out 'Jesus H. Christ' when thou stepeth on a rake in the garden. Thou wanteth to say something? Sayeth 'Holy ####!' Jesus H. Christ is disrespectful. Holy #### is not. As a sidenote, the H has a meaning. Jesus's middle name is actually Harold. As quote in the Lord's Prayer "Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name..." or "Hark thy Harold angels sing"
- Remember the Black Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Hail Ozzy.
- Honour thy father and thy mother, so long as they honour thee, because it cuts both ways buddy.
- Thou shalt not kill hoes- but obviously there are exceptions such as swatting bitches and hoes, running over stray tramps on the road, forgetting to feed the wife etc. etc., so just use thine common sense and try to keepeth a sense of proportion. Also except in the bed. Oh, and if he doesn't put out. I'm insecure like that. If he worships pamela, carmen, or chuck norris thou goteth the thumbs up...and don't forgeteth that it's all good to kill 'em if they've picked a different version of bitches and hoes. Also okay on the second Tuesday of every fourth month, as long as thou art not using the protection.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery and get caught, because it's going to hurt. Practice makes perfect - hiding in the wardrobe is an old one, don't bother with that. Planeth several escape routes and ensureth thou hast a good alibi. Also a change of clothes is handy, because she can smell the perfume on thee when thou geteth home. Thinketh it through, buddy!
- Thou shalt not steal and get caught. Stealing is okay cuz that's just human nature, but getting caught is just plain stupid.
- If thy last name be Dover and thou is of senior years (you know, like 600 yrs old like the cool gals in the Bible)then thou must calleth thy walking stick "Ben," thy walker "Roll," and thyself "Eileen."
- Thou shalt not be a "hoarder" unless it's good crap you're keeping, then it's okay. Also, piles of hoardings shalt not exceed 6ft-2in in height, unless thou art 6ft-7in tall-in that case it's okay, as long as nobody gets hurt!
- Ingrown toenails, root canals, ignorant people and family reunions are works of the devil and are to be avoided at all costs!
- Thou shalt not allow a smoke detector to beep every 30 seconds - unless thy mother-in-law from Wyoming has descendeth upon thee and is asleep in the dungeon - hehehe
- Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour, whatever false witness is. We just put this one in to make sure thou art paying attention.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's bling, unless thou really liketh it.
- First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four thou shalt not count, neither count thou two, excepting that you then proceed on to three.
- Thou shalt not give head if thy name be Dick.
- Thou shalt count the number 13 as the number 10, making this the 10th commandment. Also, triskedekaphobics shall ignore any fear of this number 13, as it is number 10. Also triskedekaphiliacs are fine. Go at it.
- If thou hast read this far, thou art doing well. Cuteth out the coupon and send it in for a full rebate.
- Jesus shalt have laser eyes. This is Commandment 9.9. Not 15. If thou thinketh it says 15, thou art wrong.
- Thou shalt not interrupt regularly scheduled programming.
- Thou shalt not piss in thy wife's coffee, unless thou art a dog. However, if thou geteth caught pissing in thy wife's coffee, thou shalt not back out until thy job is done. Go geteth em' soldier.
- Thou shalt not let thy chain hang low.
- Thou shall not mix Lego and Megablocks. They are not the same.
- Thou shalt not shake babies unless it's annoying, then thou can.
- Thou shalt not creat false witnesses against Britney Spears. After all she still is thy neighbour. Leaveth her alone.
- Thou shalt paint thy hippie van with honour, a good amount of weed, and tie-dye colors.
- Thou dealt it if thou smelt it.
- Thou shalt stop a zombie holocaust if thou be commanded to by nearest divinity.
- Thou shalt not get drunk, ringeth a friend's doorbell at 2am then pisseth thy pants when thy friend openeth the door - that's just wrong!
- Thou shalt go to thiseth hell for
- Thou shalt be in dip #### for reading further.
- Ohhhh, thou art in hell now.
- Thou shalt harm Grammar Nazi's if they are being asses.
- Thou shalt not invite midgets to basketball games.
- Thou shalt not forget to take that left turn in Albuquerque.
- Thou shalt not include Fargo locals in any events..... espescially beach volley ball.
- Thou shalt not go to evil sites such as Uncyclopedia (You're going to hell now!)
- Thou shalt not abuse your bathroom during school hours.
- Thou shalt require all good Catholics to read The Golden Compass to show how dumb Atheists are
- Thou shalt slay a whale in My name, then save nothing of its flesh, nor its hide... merely leaveth the carcass to rot ... thou must do this often so that the natural order of nature be disrupted.
- Thou shalt send one American Dime to George W. Bush to cure polio
- Thou shalt not purchase a car from a Mormon
- Thou shalt pay taxes to the Kingdom of Svalbard.
- Thou shalt mock liberals because it's funny.
- Thou shalt not vote for Palin in 2012, thy world will be shot by Jesus's lasers anyways.
- Thou shalt not ruin any of Moses' tablets, damn it! Do thou realizeth how many eons it took to carveth them? C'mon people! If thou art caught spray-painting them with your awesome graffiti, thou will be sentenced to eternal latrine duty and be giveth the title of "Village Idiot!"
- Thou shalt nuke California for happy cows need to be put out of misery.
- Thou shalt figure out how a swallow can carry a coconut.
- Thou shalt learn what thou meaneth, kapesh?
- Thou shalt retire at the age of 63 and live off the government and live in Wichita.
- Thou shalt edit this article.
- Thou shalt come to me for help rather than thine liberal government's lies of wanting to provide for thee for free, because it is coming out of thine paycheck foolish one.
- Thou shalt not have a sense of humor [only devout Catholics and catholic organizations follow this one].
- Thou shalt lather, rinse, and repeat.
- Thou shalt intentionally leaveth this page blank.
- Thou shalt not removeth this tag unless thou art the consumer under penalty of Hell.
- This commandment is not written in old English, you are to make a note of it.
- Thou shalt remember to do the dishes, for piled up, they art getting.
- Thou shalt hail all pagan images.
- Thou shalt not pay attention to the fact that the commandments have far exceeded 10.
- Thou shalt bow down to Bruce Campbell.
- Thou shalt not censor my commandments, holy books, etc.
- Thou shalt write a minimum of 1000 words, double spaced, in times new roman.
Ten Commandments, the movie version
According to biblical scholar and voice of God in the movie the Ten Commandments, Cecil B. DeMille states that these are the commandments that have passed the MPAA Board for wholesomeness:
- You shall have no other gods before Me (or after, just me)
- You shall not make for yourself an idol (or a Billie Idol)
- You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God (No kidding, this really riles me.)
- Remember the Sabbath and keep it Black(unless you need a gallon of milk or a sweater at Macy's)
- Honor your parents (Even if they drank, starred in Mildred Pierce, or filled your head with lies,
they are still your parents and therefore don't make them my problem. You don't have to like them, just don't stir the pot, OK?)
- You shall not murder (killing is fine, Murder is premeditated and therefore wrong.i wasn't sure where to put suicide in this,but i think that's bad too so don't do it.)
- You shall not commit adultery (Screw around as much as you like, but once you are legally married stop it. Gay men can play around all they want (or can they?). And lust in your heart is fine if you are straight, just no ######## around)
- You shall not steal (If it isn't yours don't take it Mister Sticky fingers)
- Thou shalt not repeat thyself for repetition is repetitive and very annoying.
- You shall not bear false witness (Don't lie. Not even if your wife asks you if you like her homemade mashed potatoes - be brutally honest, I command it(See rule 7)
- You shall not covet your neighbor's wife (Your neighbor's husband is fine, just don't mess with his wife. So if she covets you and she married, you lose. If she Covets you AND is a divorcee, Hubba Hubba! Bugger!! You can't be divorcing either. How completely wankered is your predicament?)
- I am the lord, your god! an egomaniac, if you will. Unless you do nothing but worship me, how can I be an egomaniac?
- Break one of
my teeththe ten commandments and you break them all, just like a heartbreaker, except that it's only sinful freaks have 10 hearts. Should have mentioned this one earlier. It's not set in stone but it still counts.
- thou shalt not "kill bill" or i will become "fast and furious," if you catch my "tokyo drift." unless you do it "the day after tommorrow"
- Thou shalt not wear socks and sandals, if thou does, thy dick shall be chopped and displayed on a pike for all to see.
- Thou shalt not sleep with fat chicks.
- Thou shalt not sleep with thy neighbours daughter.
Ten Commandments, the Remix
- Thou shalt not steal if there is a direct victim.
- Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
- Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Dekker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra or Syd Barret in vain.
- Thou shalt think that any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child is a pedophile. Some people are just nice.
- Thou shalt not read NME.
- You shall speak normal like.
- Thall shalt not stop liking a band just because they’ve become popular.
- Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
- Thou ... shalt ... not ... forget? Right? Or something like that anyway...
- Thou shalt not judge a book by it’s cover(except ones that say 'HE WHO OPENS THIS BOOK SHALL SURELY DIE' or something).
- Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
- Thou shalt not buy Coca-Cola products.
- Thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
- Thou shalt not masturbate in the House of the Lord
- Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.
- Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
- Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls’ pants. Use it to get into their heads.
- Thou shalt not watch Hollyoakes.
- Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave as soon as you're done just because you’ve finished your ###### little poem or song you self-righteous #####.
- Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just ’cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you’re never gonna ####### talk to.
- Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries.
- Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.
- Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
- Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
- Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
- Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
- Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
- Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
- Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
- Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
- When I say “Hey” thou shalt not say “Ho”.
- When I say “Hip” thou shalt not say “Hop”.
- When I say "he say, she say, we say, make some noise" - kill me.
- Thou shalt not quote me happy.
- Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.
- Thou shalt not wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.
- Thou shalt "get down with the sickness"
- Thou shalt not "Jump on it".
- Thou shalt spell the word “Phoenix” P-H-O-E-N-I-X not P-H-E-O-N-I-X, because of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you as the language is called English and not American for a reason.
- Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying “Is it”.
Caution: the commandments were originally written in some crazy God language, and were translated to English by three monkeys with typewriters. Some variation of meaning and syntax may have occurred. Your mileage may vary depending of driving styles and grade of gas
George Carlin's revised list of the three commandments
- Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.
- Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to.
- Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
Ten Commandments, Deuterium 2H:D
- I am the Lord your God.
You shall have no other gods before meNever mind feel free to
have some other gods.
- Thou shalt not steal if it involves a spatula.
- Jews are evil.... wait I don't ever recall saying that.
- The earth is 4.5 billion years old, AND YES BITCH I INVENTED RADIOMETRIC DATING.
- Thou shalt not take off any zig before me.
- THE BIBLE IS A LIE Wait it's not (Not the cake, I ate it before you got there, sorry)
- FRED PHELPS IS A SINNER AND WILL BE SENT TO THE 3.14th CIRCLE OF HELL!
- There's no such thing as a Cabel, only Cain...(WTF is that)
- This is the Commandment 9.32412........ not ten.
- Thou shalt not donate to the Vatican.
- Thou sodium chlorite not murder atheists
- It is a sin to claim that there are more than 10, even if that's true.
- You shall not convert your neighbor's house using a dark mage.
- Thou salt not play as a paladin.
- The five pillars are there.
- Thou shall listen to the lord's music (AC/DC)
Table of corresponding sins
This is modern analisis of antient tables of so-called experts of Dead Sea Wikipidia. There were 18 or so separate spare commandment parts with three possible ways how to enumerate them originally, but none of them made any sense, because of mistranslation of old Aramaic metaphors. At last they are assembled in ten groups with colour code as follows:
red numers - numbers of Cylons without their proper articles yet.
|no.||simple english translation||sin|
|1.||no gods||religious believe|
|2.||no idolatry||ridiculous believe|
|3.||no God||monoteeistic believe|
|4.||take a break every once in a while||workaholism|
|5.||let young people take care of old people||Social Security|
|6.||do not murder||murder|
|7.||do not cheat||possibility of procreation of another sinner|
|8.||do not steal from
||(It's questionable whether that to be or not to be a sin after all,|
but certainly that's not nice at all neither.)
|9.||give only scientific evidence||creationism, alarmism, politics etc.|
|10.||do not envy||low self-esteem|
As you can see, most of worst sins are all under number nine.
Don't Confuse Them With
- Ten General Commandments of All Humanity -- God's revelation to Sidney Trammell!
- Twelve Monkeys
- The Eleven Commandments
- That film with Charlton Heston
- The Nine Lives of a Cat
- The Eight Tiny Reindeer
- The Seven Samurai
- The Sixth Sense
- The 12 days of Christmas|Fifth Protocol
- The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
- The Three Degrees
- The Two Towers
- And The Partridge Family in a pair of trees.