Constitution of the United States (actual text)
of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
Section I. Any male constituent who has attained the Age of Twenty-One years shall vote for a nobleman of his choosing to represent him in the executive legislature. He shall freely cast his choice on a ballot in a designated voting bureau and deposit the ballot in a box. After all the constituents accomplished their duty of Citizenry, the box contents shall be dumped in the nearest river and the predetermined winner be announced to the People.
Section II. Any elected representative in the Land of the Free shall receive 10 slaves Free of charge, only shipping and handling to pay and shall be refunded if not satisfied before 30 days.
Section III. Any legitimate citizen of the Country shall aspire to become a Representative and serve his People regardless of gender, social status or ethnicity. Women, black people and working-class commoners shall not be considered as legitimate citizens.
Section IV. Any aspiring Congressman shall have a blank criminal parchment, or at least lie about it in a manner that is satisfactory in order to be trusted with a seat in Congress. No Congressman shall befoul the Trusted Institution that is Congress with honesty.
Section V. The Militia of the country is to abide by the Laws of the Union, suppress Barbarian Insurrections and repel the Primitives from the North Invasions; it is not in any case authorized to be entangled in foreign affairs, nor be used for invasions unless Congress authorizes such intervention. However, should a black syrupy substance gain importance one day, this section is to be completely ignored.
Section VI. The Union shall collect four (4) horseshoes or a barrel of Ale for every Slave coming in the Land by means of Boat. The owners of such Slaves shall hit the person with a maximum of twenty-five (25) whiplashes a day. Shall they exceed that limit, an extra barrel of Ale shall be given by the Offender to Congress as a Courtesy.
Section VII. The Representatives are expected to sport good behavior at all Times and as such, shall not fire their Colt in the Vicinity of the Congress without prior approval from the Speaker. Should a disagreement between two (2) representatives be apparent, the Speaker shall call for a duel in which the participants shall draw their revolver to the count of ten (10). The Congressman who doesn't trespass wins the argument and shall present his Bill.
Section VIII. The Representatives shall park their horses in the Congress stables in an effort not to clog the trail in front of the building. Any horses left in front of the Congress will be towed.
Section XIV. The Representatives shall not lie to their constituents, distort the Truth nor hide facts from the electorate under any circumstances. Should a Congressman commit the latter, the punishment incurred shall be absolutely nothing.
Section I. Any President shall be a natural born American unless they can produce a lawful-looking counterfeit birth certificate.
Section II. Impeachment is a last resort maneuver and shall be lawful under the following circumstances:
- The President is found guilty of a High Felony such as Genocide.
- The President is actively working with Foreign Nations in a plot to kill more, but no fewer, than One Hundred Thousand Citizens of the Union.
- The President stains someone's dress.
Section III. The Presidential electoral process shall be as complicated as possible so that no man, woman nor child can understand anything to it. It shall be comprised of Delegates, Bound Delegates, Straitjacketed Delegates or whatever the Nobles of the Future can come up with.
Section I. Liberty and freedom and justice and brotherhood and kindred love and tolerance and equality and temperance and liberty shall be enjoyed by all Caucasian males who own at least 160 acres of land and own one score of oxen or two score of he-asses and she-asses.
Section II. The Supreme Court is to be the greatest of all the courts in America and is to have the final say in any legal case if it so decides. No Supreme Court decision shall be overridden unless the tobacco, petroleum, pharmaceuticals or war industries think otherwise.
Section III. The People shall not breach the Peace in the land nor commit crimes. Piracy on the high seas, Horsejacking and Grand Theft Carriage are to be punishable by forced labor aimed at building the tracks for the upcoming steam-powered horse.
Section I. In case the Union wants to communicate with the Old Continent, a bottle containing a message scribbled on tree bark shall be thrown to the High Seas as smoke signals have proved fruitless. The bottle shall not be a refundable one.
Section II. Any network utilizing technology that connects people to a centralized hive of information shall be free from regulation including use of telegraph networks, horse-drawn mail delivery, ticker tapes and whatever new technology may come from the fruits and majesty of scientific investigation.
Section III. The budget allowed to the National Sky Exploration Agency shall be tenfold (10) the allowance given to the Children of Poverty. The new artifact called 'Binoculars' should be the Agency's first priority. Papyrus commanding the People to refrain from looking at the Sun directly shall be distributed to those who can still see.
Section I. There shall be an Article V in the Constitution of the United States. Nobody shall refer to it as a filler.
We hereby declare solemnly that we were totally stoned out of our asses when scribbling this Document and that it shall rule the Land eternally.
An apology from Uncyclopedia
About two years ago, we here at Uncyclopedia placed in plain sight an excessive number of disclaimers and warning templates at the very top of this page. This was an attempt, we justified to ourselves, to protect our valued readership from the cruel shock of being unexpectedly exposed to potentially offensive words and phrases and ideas, having traced their origins way back to the 18th and 19th centuries, a time when many aspects of American life were grossly unfair. It was our simplistic belief that such foul and dangerous ideas have no proper place in our enlightened and culturally-diverse era, let alone the U.S. Constitution; and reading and actually learning about them could lead to all sorts of bad consequences and hurt feelings for many. Therefore, we sought to limit exposure of such potentially harmful content to those people who weren't properly prepared for it.
While our intentions in this endeavor were sincere and heartfelt at the time, we now acknowledge the dreadful and horrifying effects of our ill-thought-out scheme. Indeed, the road to hell is literally paved with good intentions. We have been berated for attempting to censor independent thought and control minds. We have been accused of pandering to the lowest common denominator of society. We have been vilified in no uncertain terms by many angry Americans of undermining and besmirching the very wholesomeness and integrity of the United States's greatest founding document, from which all our liberties flow. To any and all such accusations and vilifications that have been viciously heaped upon us, we plead guilty. Rest assured, we have heard you. We readily confess that we should never have done such a despicable thing in the first place. Those ugly banners at the top did absolutely nothing to improve the flow of this article anyway; and to them, we say, good riddance.
In fact, we don't know what ever possessed us, in thinking that Uncyclopedia should be your mommy. To think that we actually had the unmitigated gall to assess any person's sensitivity (or lack thereof) from a distance, we are deeply ashamed. We now realize that you, as intelligent adults and intelligent children, have the intelligent capacity to judge for yourselves what is good and bad about the evils of American prehistory, without unnecessarily getting yourselves all worked up in hysterical fits of crying and rage. We are deeply sorry about this dreadful misconception of ours, and humbly beg your forgiveness.
Please accept our sincere apology.
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