United States Bill of No Rights

The Bill of No Rights is a very self-explanitory document, stating what you CANNOT do versus what you CAN do as stated by the previous Bill of Rights. First drafted BEFORE the Bill of Rights and finalized AFTER the Bill of Rights. Strangely, this has had no significance in the Bill of No Rights taking part in American Law and practice.

The Bill Itself

The original Bill of No Rights.
This Bill could be traded for a copy of MS Windows, but the owner would still have No Rights whatsoever.

We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other liberal pinko commie bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: That a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

• ARTICLE I -- You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

• ARTICLE II -- You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means the freedom for everyone, not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots and probably always will be.

• ARTICLE III -- You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

• ARTICLE IV -- You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generations of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

• ARTICLE V -- You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice but, from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in government run health care. If you want free health care, move to Canada.

• ARTICLE VI -- You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

• ARTICLE VII -- You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen TV or a life of leisure.

• ARTICLE VIII -- You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight, if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

• ARTICLE IX -- You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

• ARTICLE X -- You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered (unhindered, unchallenged) by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Footnotes

• Stemmed from the Bill of Rights supposedly
• Don't mutilate yourself or you will be called Emo
• Avoid screwdrivers at all costs
• Buy big screen TV's to prove you're rich
• Don't worry, be happy
• The United States of America rules

Drafts

It took some time for the Bill of No Rights to be drafted mainly on the part because those who were drafting it were truly too dumb to understand the first Bill of Rights in which granted freedom to do many things. The Bill of No Rights was written by the Right Wing where as the Bill of Rights was drafted by the Left Wing. The first draft consisted of five articles rather than ten and wasn't half as funny as the final copy. It is widely believed that Thomas Jefferson was dragged in to write the first and final copies.

Ratification Process

The Ratification of the Bill of No Rights started on July 6, 1776, and occurred in several stages:

First, the process of Ratification was pushed forward through alliance between civil No-Rights groups and enviromentalist groups, who clamored that the original Bill of No Rights was too racist and biased. They formed the Ratifier Party, which became a powerful political force who forced Congress to give equal No Rights to all urban dwellers. It was a subterfuge that blindsighted the already dim-witted congressmen.

Second, a comprehensive census was conducted in 1780 for all inhabitants of U.S. cities. Census takers found out, in horror, that rats outnumbered humans ten to one in all major cities of the United States.

Third and final stage, after the reapportionment of the congressional seats, the Ratifier Party by a landslide won 90% of the seats in the Constitutional Assembly of 1785. The Ratification of the Bill of No Rights had become not only a possiblity, but a reality. Ultimately, the Ratification would change only changed one single word in the preamble, but the consequences thereof were far-reaching, erasing centuries of discrimination and turning a new page in American history.

The original wording

We the people of the United States of America ...

was finally changed into:

We the rats of the United States of America ...

thus completing the Ratification process and liberating the long-oppressed majority.

See Also

• The Politics Portal