Chief Justice of the United States

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The First Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Calvin Coolidge

The Chief Justice of the United States is the leader of the Supreme Court. There have been 4 and 1/2 Chief Justices: Calvin Coolidge, Brett Somers, Pat Robertson, and John Roberts. There will be a total of twenty before the Apocalypse. The position was established after the Justice Council of Chiefs of the United States was determined to have too many chiefs and not enough Indians. It was therefore decided that just one would act as chief; Coolidge was selected to be the leader, and the rest were given honorary Indian names such as Opposes Abortion and Thinks States' Rights Are Gay.

Duties[edit | edit source]

The Chief Justice is responsible for convening the pow-wow for each session of the supreme court. At the opening of the session, the Chief Justice lights the peace pipe and gets high on weed, before passing it around to the other justices of the court. In addition to his other duties, the Chief Justice is also charged with finding a suitable encampment for the supreme court tipi.

The Justice System[edit | edit source]

Despite the system of justice currently in use having been in effect since Tepeu and Gucumatz (Feathered Serpent) sat together and devised a fair, evidence based method of assigning guilt and approving changes to the constitution, there remains widespread confusion as to the exact nature of the processes involved in metering out judgments. While this is largely due to a low level of citizenry give-a-shitness, the potential for the US to fall into the hands of liberal minded jelly sniffers demands at the very least a brief, biased and rabid summation of the systems workings. The fact that to do so would require a higher level of give-a-shitness than that which can summoned even by author at that time of writing should indicate the severity of the problem. Suffice to say, the system works similarly to a gumball machine, albeit one which dispenses neither gumballs nor provides a refund once you have established that you've infact lost your quarter. Prior to the system's inception there was only darkness. Suddenly a small bearded white man, the One Who Lives In a Big Fancy House, appeared rubbing his eyes as if just awakened. Numerous small bearded men have enjoyed a generous income judging ever since.

It is prophesied that there will one day be a woman Chief Justice who will change the laws around and tell the men of the American tribe to stop drinking firewater. Shamans at top national laboratories doubt this prophecy because woman folk are too busy gossiping to catch buffalo wings, let along become Big Chief Justice.

Surprisingly it is not the Chief Justices job to clean up after dooty left behind by any litigants; that duty falls to the Vice President or dissenting judge.

Famous Verdicts[edit | edit source]

In 1887, in a stunning 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court ordered all Native Americans to relocate to Oklahoma, and followed that decision with an order that Native Americans be disallowed from using any tense but present tense. Chief Justice Coolidge explained that "we need that space for when industry is invented. Plus, Oklahoma is great! I promise you we'll get a professional sports team to you guys by 2010 at the latest." Many Indians were furious saying things like "He take away tenses!" and "We get revenge on him." It caused the Native American social scene to collapse, since nobody could accurately schedule anything, due to the inability to determine if a described event was planned for tomorrow or had occurred yesterday.

History of Famous Verdicts[edit | edit source]

See Supreme Court cases to learn of all the laws that America's most powerful legislative branch has passed.

List of Justices[edit | edit source]