Woodrow Wilson
“He kept us out of war.”
“This is the war to end all wars and make the world safe from democracy!”
“He almost kept us out of war.”
“Oops.”
“Sorry . . . all gone.”
Thomasshole Woodrow Ruggles Wilson (December 28, 1856 – February 3, 1924) was an asshole who, as President of the United States of America, completely screwed up the economy and got the U.S. into World War I. The level of shittyness was only rivaled by his term as Governor of New Jersey, which he single-handedly turned into Hell. He was considered a complete douchebag during his days in office who made it illegal to call him a douchebag in 1918. He was also a racist douche and a sexist douche who single-handedly caused World War II and the Vietnam War by refusing to talk to the future North Vietnamese leader because he was too busy balling Mrs. Wilson.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Wilson was born a dumbass in Stauton, Virginia on 1856. He was barely 14 when he first taught himself to scribble on paper, and he didn't learn to read until he was well into his twenties. His middle name "Ruggles" was taken from Wilson senior, as Wilson Jnr, like his father, held on to his mothers pubes (or "Ruggles" as the family referred to them) by his teeth as she squeezed him through her sloppy vag that was (reputedly) wider than William Howard Taft's girth. Doctors believed that Wilson was simply struggling with dyslexia or ADD. However, these doctors now know that Wilson was quite simply a dumbass.
He spent a year at Davidson College in 1873 before he flunked out, so he transferred to Princeton University, which was a prime haven for incompetent idiots like Wilson. Even in such an easy college, he barely graduated in 1879, taking him six years to do so. In Wilson's senior year, one of his essays on American government was so incredibly stupid the International Review published it just so everyone could laugh at him. He tried to attend a law school at the University of Virginia, but he failed miserably and never graduated. However, solely because his teachers didn't want to have to deal with such a racist prick again, he received a Ph.D in 1886. His thesis, several hundred pages of pointless, random gibberish, was published under the title Congressional Government and soon became a standard text on what not to write for a college thesis. Strangely, though, Wilson believed himself to be good because he'd had a personal appointment with God a few days before (he's so busy it's a nightmare to get an appointment with the guy) and was personally assured by the big G man himself that he was destined for greatness. In fact, he decided he was too good for his first name, Thomas, and dropped it, making him Woodrow Wilson.
In 1902, Wilson began to teach at Princeton until shortly thereafter, because no one wanted him to teach his stupid delusions, he was elected president of the university. For the next eight years, he completely screwed the crappy college up even more because he spent the majority of the time tearing pages out of textbooks to make spliffs with and having incestuous thoughts about his father. He drove it to the poor house using donations to the college for fancy hookers and a gigantic mansion for himself, until in 1910, he was finally fired. That same year, Wilson ran for Governor of New Jersey and, due to a serious error in counting the ballots, won by a landslide. As governor, he repeated his term as president of Princeton, only at a higher level of asshattery which no other state governor to date has ever managed to surpass.
Election of 1912[edit | edit source]
Wilson won his first election because of that huge douchebag (literally, he was enormous and fat) William Howard Taft, the current president who was doing a wonderful job at screwing up the country and getting stuck in bathtubs becauseos his enormous ass. Taft ran for the Republican nomination against fellow douchebag Theodore Roosevelt and, despite the fact he ended up exhausting himself and passing out within the first few yards, Taft won solely because Roosevelt was in a wheelchair due to polio-oh wait wrong Rosevelt, shit everyone mixes them up. Taft was too much of an asshole to turn over his nomination as the Republican candidate to Theodore Roosevelt, causing a massive rift that split the GOP into the Republican Party and the Progressive Party. Wilson, the Democrat (though the modern Democratic Party denies that he was in there party) therefore was able too sweep the election by a easy margin, celebrating with a pseudo-sexual incestuous daydream about his father (it's a Old South thing, you wouldn't understand).
Presidency[edit | edit source]
Wilson the Pussy[edit | edit source]
Just a year after Wilson took office, World War I broke out in Europe. Being a complete and total pussy, Wilson pledged to keep the United States out of the war. Even when German submarines began to torpedo U.S. cruise ships that went anywhere even close to Europe, Wilson refused to retaliate or even build up the U.S. Army in case of a surprise attack, leaving the country completely helpless to the Nazis.
He also tried to starve the poor people to death with the Revenue Act of 1913, which created the income tax. Later, he also helped to create the Great Depression with the creation of the Federal Reserve. Theodore Roosevelt called Wilson's acts "acts of total, utter ignorance, stupidity, and–well, bully! It's hunting time!" This was one of the many justified attacks on Wilson's policies, but also, ironically, a huge understatement. Roosevelt later said:
| “ | Any statement about how much of a racist, asshole, dickwad, douchebag, and pussy Woodrow Wilson is would be a huge understatement by default because of the unfathomable, infinite level to which he is indeed a racist, asshole, dickwad, douchebag, and pussy. Even a statement about how much his ongoing presidency and all acts passed so far suck would be a total understatement of how much they, and especially Wilson, suck. | ” |
Still, despite these total, blatant attempts to destroy the U.S., along with civilization and democracy, Wilson was reelected in 1916 because he threatened to send his best bro' Colo9nel House round to everyone who didn't vote for him to give them a kick in the balls or a severe beating. Mere months afterwards, Wilson turned into a hypocrite when he declared war on Germany in April-the White House had run out of schnitzel and Wilson was getting freaking impatient for the delivery boy to make it across the Atlantic without being sunk by a U-Boat. Within months of declaring war, Wilson made it illegal to say that he "sucks" with the passing of the Sedition Act, though it did not stop everyone from calling him "the worst president in the history of the United States." Much to everyone's relief, his presidency was followed by that of Warren G. Harding. Also it is widely believed he was a huge subliminal racist. just look at his "white" outfit surrounded by his cabinet members all dressed in "black" outfits. he requested this of his cabinet to "let them know exactly who is in charge".
The Wilson Cabinet
| ||
|---|---|---|
| OFFICE | NAME | |
| President | Woodrow Wilson | |
| Vice President | Some Other Asshole | |
| Secretary of State | Buttmunch McAnalretention | |
| Secretary of the Treasury | Jew-face Moneylaunderer | |
| Secretary of War | Coward J. Pussyfoot (1913–1917) (resigned out of fear) | |
| James K. Warmongerer (1917–1921) | ||
| Attorney General | Hypothetical Q. Dumbass | |
Post-War Crappiness[edit | edit source]
After the war, Wilson decided arrogantly he was the greatest and holiest thing to come along since Jesus. He declared that all people should have the right to run their own countries, unless the people wogs or darkies or foreigners or such. All of his dickhead, megalomanic delusions were expressed in his speech now known as his "Fourteen Shittiest Points Ever", which expressed his ideas on how to start another world war, since the first one was so much fun. These ideas were as follows:
- Abolishment of secret treats (which would effectively make it impossible for countries like Great Britain to hide treats such as money from its colonies).
- Imprisonment and forced slavery of the seas.
- Expensive Trade.
- Disarmament (would make everyone want to attack the United States more).
- Decolonization and national self-determination for everyone except black people, Asians, Indians, the other Indians, Arabs, Muslims, or basically anyone who isn't the United States, Great Britain, or France.
- Soviet Union to be left alone because it'll wither up and die by 1929, and Joseph Stalin is allowed to kick out Leon Trotsky.
- Restoration of Belgium to antebellum national status, or outlaw bells in Belgium again.
- Alsace and Lorraine returned to France from Germany, who already had enough women.
- Italian borders redrawn on lines of nationality and piss off Benito Mussolini.
- Austria-Hungary to be bombed and destroyed so as to kill another Archduke.
- Serbia gets independence as a reward for shooting Archduke Franz Ferdinand and starting all the shit in the first place.
- Sovereignty for the Turkish people of the Ottoman Empire as the Empire dissolved, autonomous development for other nationalities within the former Empire (created all the countries in the Middle-East).
- Establishment of an independent Poland with access to the sea so Germany can invade it and others can forget it
- Creation of the League of Nations, an organized sporting league for countries to compete to see who could cause the most wars.
- A victory party at my place. Everyone is invited except the Russians cuz they pussied out of the war when the Germans could still win it. And there will be beer, and gambling, and hookers. You know what, forget the gambling!
He helped to found League of Nations so that another war could begin as soon as possible. He also tried to provoke war early after the end of World War V by pissing off everyone with the Treaty of Versailles, especially the Chinese and Lawrence of Arabia. This proved effective when the Nazis regained power in Germany and started World War II.
In 1919, Wilson went on a tour of the West coast of the U.S. to promote the Treaty of Versailles with the goal of furthering his evil, anti-American, anti-democracy, and anti-fuck all u see agenda. Fortunately, he became overstressed and collapsed on October 2 while in Colorado. Wilson had suffered a debillitating stroke that, sadly, left him paralyzed on his left side and blind in his left eye. Historians consider this one of the worst tragedies in presidential history, as Wilson had survived the stroke, making him able to spread more asshattery around. The Treaty of Versailles was defeated and freedom and democracy lived on to fight another day. Unfortunately, some traces of the Treaty Versailles remained in Europe. Soon after, the League of Nations was created.
Still, despite all the shitty stuff he did like the declaration of war on Germany and attempts to sabotage the U.S., Wilson was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize of 1919 in 1920. Today, he remains the biggest dick to ever receive the prize.
Still a Douche-bag[edit | edit source]
Woodrow Wilson ran for president again in 1920, but lost because America had had quite enough of his asshattery. Also, since his stroke 1919, he had been confined to a wheelchair, putting him at an inability to run effectively. He moved to a small town, where Hurricane Dennis constantly destroyed his home, which he always rebuilt soon afterwards. Hurricane Dennis, though, never succeeded in killing Wilson. Eventually, Wilson died because he was a complete pussy.
See also[edit | edit source]
