Princeton University

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“I once home-invaded this Princeton guy and he was totally married.”

~ Snake on saying an inappropriate quote

“Princeton? Is that like a cigarette?”

~ A dumb blonde who can't remember her name

Princeton University is often thought of as a great educational institution, but, since the fall of 2008, this all changed. At that time a specimen known as Old Cutler arrived on the tiger's campus, making an insignificant impact on the school and its teammate's lives due to its apathy and lack of "balls". After the grip on its testicles was loosened, it evolved into New Cutler and this superior specimen began to prowl the grounds.


No conclusive evidence of Princeton's existence has been gathered, leaving the institution in a cloud of mystery.


Ask a "Princeton" graduate what town Princeton is in. After babbling for a bit, he'll probably just yell "Princeton!" again. Obviously, not only is he lying, but he cannot even lie creatively and say something like "Centerville!" or "Venus!". Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

Home State[edit]

Any college guide gullible enough to list "Princeton" as an actual university will make two claims: 1) that it is a prestigious research university and 2) that it is in New Jersey. The facts have been presented, dear reader: I'm sure you can do the rest.

School Colors[edit]

The school colors are orange and black. This is because Princeton only really exists on Halloween. Hell, if any Average Joe can be Luke Skywalker on Halloween, Princeton can exist on Halloween.

Pop Culture[edit]

John Nash thought he went to Princeton. He also had imaginary friends, delusions of grandeur, and was completely batshit insane for a bit. Anyone who claims to be from Princeton is probably just a figment of John Nash's imagination.

Membership in Ivy League[edit]

It is a well known proverb that Ivy schools are supposed to open doors. However, many of the doors on the supposed campus of "Princeton", which is supposedly in the Ivy League, must be manually opened or are locked.

The Conspiracy[edit]

So how have so many people and institutions been duped into believing in this fictional university? Well "Princeton" alums may be stupid, but they're not st... well, yeah they are, aren't they? I guess they were just lucky to hit on this crafty plan then. It all started when a bunch of disaffected high-school seniors not quite braindead enough to go to Harvard or Yale, got together and began to whine to each other that they would only be able to afford 50 bedroom mansions. So, they all went to their rich daddies and had them start an evil corporation called the "Princeton Review" that began to publish college guides. Once they had built up their reputation, they snuck in the fictional "Princeton" and gave it rave reviews. Ever since, applications to Princeton have gone up every year, and its "founders" make a fortune by living off the application fees and selling college essays online. Need even more proof? Look up where the Princeton Review is actually located... that's right. It is based in Framingham, Massachusetts! Once again, this proves the point that Princeton University does not exist.


There. Convinced? No? Doesn't matter. Now go away.

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