Princeton University

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“I once home-invaded this Princeton guy and he was totally married.”

~ Snake on saying an inappropriate quote


~ Amy Schumer, class of 69 BC

“The sublime bullshitting skills I erudited as a constituent of the Princeton University coterie succored me to shepherd the Dallas Cowboys to nil championship wins in the past 69 annual periods.”

~ Jason Garrett

Princeton University is an NCAA Division IV school, the only university in the Ivy League, and in fact, the entire country given that designation due to the sorry state of its athletic program. It had once been the dominant football power in the United States. It has since been overrun with nerds and degenerates who were only admitted because their dads donated buildings to the university as a result of a court order requiring them to do so as a result of evading the payment of child support.

History[edit | edit source]

A long time ago, a band of young students at Harvard University withdrew from the school due to its compliance with George W. Bush's War on Drugs and set off down the Eastern Seaboard looking for a place to found a new university where they could shoot heroin without the FBI giving a shit. They reportedly were also sick of Harvard's holier-than-thou attitude and the massive egos of its students. The departing students unanimously approved the new charter of the University, which was famously drafted in just thirty seconds: "We just wanna, you know, drink, smoke weed and get high, dude."

Princeton soon became home to drug and alcohol-addicted dropouts from both Harvard and Yale, eclipsing the other two Ivy League universities in prestige, according to polls conducted in Mexico, Colombia, and Myanmar. The money made from the trade of illicit substances also grew Princeton's endowment from flat to absolutely sexy.

In 2017, Ted Cruz, who was accidentally created by a scientist working in Princeton's lab trying to perform in vitro fertilization of a chimpanzee egg with rabid dog sperm, accidentally liked an incest porn video on Twitter. After being being reminded of the fact by Democrats repeatedly monitoring his Twitter likes waiting for stupid shit like this to happen, Cruz stated through a spokesman, "Why wouldn't I have liked that? The mom looked like yours!"

The Princeton University Board of Trustees recently passed a resolution to rename it "University of the Royal Child" in an effort to be Social Justice Warriors promote gender-neutral conventions on campus.

Culture[edit | edit source]

Hometown[edit | edit source]

Ask a "Princeton" graduate what town Princeton is in. After babbling for a bit, he'll probably just yell "Princeton!" again. Obviously, not only is he lying, but he cannot even lie creatively and say something like "Centerville!" or "Venus!". Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

Home State[edit | edit source]

The state of Jersey Shore was founded in an anachronistic Taliban training camp near the Great Pyramid of Giza in 540 BC. Due to surveying inaccuracies by coked-up Ancient Egyptian surveyors with mediocre technology, the land legally part of Jersey Shore turned out to be on a completely different continent that wasn't even discovered until Europeans finally realized that harassing Arabs during the Crusades wasn't doing them any good and that they should find other ethnicities to oppress.

School Colors[edit | edit source]

The school colors are orange and black. This is because Princeton only really exists on Halloween. Hell, if any Average Joe can be Luke Skywalker on Halloween, Princeton can exist on Halloween.

Membership in Ivy League[edit | edit source]

It is a well known proverb that Ivy schools are supposed to open doors, especially for students of low-income backgrounds. However, many of the doors on Princeton's campus must be manually opened or are locked.

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