University of Leicester

University of Leicester
Motto	Ut Caseum Habeant So that they may have cheese.
Advertising Slogan:	Mediocre without admitting mediocrity
Established	1957
Type	University (obviously)
Chancellor	Sir Kenneth Williams
Vice-Chancellor	Robert Nozick
Location	Leicester[Sic?], India UK
Undergraduates	925,495
Postgraduates	6
Endowment	500 Rupees (if you have the Giant's Wallet)
Mascot	Beaver

“This place is too ethnically diverse for the likes of me...”

~ Oscar Wilde on the University of Leicester

The University of Leicester is an ethnically-led university based in Leicester, India.

A typical University of Leicester student.

History

The University of Leicester was established in 1957 by naturist film makers David and Dickie Attenborough. They donated the income from their three most famous films (Gandhi and the Apes, Emmanuelle on the Buses, and Gandhi and the Apes 2: Return to the Jungle) to establish the university as a means of avoiding the poll tax. This plan backfired, as the actual construction of the university was worked on by several Poles. The plan was further set back as the architects were able to obtain a small handful of magic beans in exchange for vital building materials. Sadly though, we'll never see if they actually would have grown a beanstalk, as they'd been rolled up and smoked away quicker than you could say Melton Mowbray. The only way to pass the interview process of the university is to answer every question with the words "pieces of eight". This is the reason for the high intake of pirate descendents. The fucking scruffs.

Academic Achievements

“Whilst it may not be up with Oxford or Harvard in the education stakes, it does serve the finest lamb bhuna I have ever tasted.”

~ Mark Twain on the University of Leicester's academic stature

Sir Dickie’s influence grew in the late 60s and the university started offering a large variety of new courses including Biology, Geology, Misogyny, Polygamy, Incestry, Corner Shop Management, Voodoo and the world’s first degree in Mickey Mouse studies, after which the term is named. This caused a lot of controversy and has since been the template for every degree since that has been a bit of a cop out and an excuse to smoke a lot of pot.

University of the Year

The university won the University of the Year award in 1950, an achievement it is still proud of and will regularly remind you of during the two minutes hate held daily on campus.

The Discovery of DNA

The university is probably most famous for its role in the discovery of DNA (Deoxyribonucleic Acid, more commonly known as Acid). Sir Alec Jeffreys, a chemistry lecturer, discovered it after accidentally mixing together half a bottle of whiskey, some vinegar, and a pair of Levi’s genes. The discovery shocked the world, as it was at the time believed that everything that could be discovered had been. In fact, at the time it was the first discovery since sliced bread 50 years previously.

DNA was front page news, and it soon became popular at celebrity parties around the globe. The production of DNA became the cornerstone of the Indian economy and Jeffrey Alecs was crowned Queen. Dissatisfied by the reckless use of his discovery, Sir Alec strove to find a use for it. The result of this was genetic fingerprinting, which has been used to solve literally thousands of crimes in television land.

The first case to be solved using Sir Jeffrey’s discovery was a murder than happened in close proximity to the university. After 2 schoolgirls had been raped and murdered, the vice-chancellor of the university approached Inspector Horse to ask him to use this new technology. The case was solved when the suspect walked into a bar. This led to the thrilling denouement:

Murderer: I'd like an ounce of DNA please.
Barmaid (Inspector Horse in disguise): Ok. Is it a special occasion?
Murderer: You could say that; I've just raped and murdered 2 schoolchildren. Anyway, why the long face?  

And the murderer was arrested and everyone lived happily ever after (until the next episode).

League Tables

“Elite without being elitist.”

~ A liar on the University of Leicester

The University of Leicester is currently rated as the top (and only) university in India and 12th in the United Kingdom with a record of 6 wins, 12 draws and a defeat to the cheating Hooray Henrys of Cambridge (their winner was clearly offside).

Notable Architecture

Can you tell what it is yet?

Charles Wilson Building

Built on the burial place of Optimus Prime, the Charles Wilson Building has taken his form, and has threatened to walk off at any moment. No one's quite sure what the building's for (some people suggest it may be some kind of prison for Computer Science students), but if you're in the unlikely position of being so hungry you'll eat food of very poor quality whilst having a lot of money to spend on it, there are some places you can go in there.

Attenborough Tower

Attenborough Tower

As well as having a paternoster that any halfwit student will tell you is the best thing since stairs, the Attenborough Tower is a welcome addition to any kitchen.

It also happens to be the tallest building in all of Europe that isn't actually in Europe. In honour of this achievement the Tower was awarded the 'Queens Award for Outstanding Exellence in the Field of Standing'. The Attenborough Tower is quoted as saying "Thanks be to Allah." Which surprised everyone.

Strange spirals can be found throughout the building. Some speculate they hold ritual significance to the local tard community. Mostly they're there because the cleaning staff are lazy af.

Yes, that's right. £35million.

David Wilson Library

“What a fucking waste of £35m. No wonder it's in fucking India.”

~ Prince Philip on the David Wilson Library

“£35m? Personally, I would've bought one-third of Kaka.”

~ Manchester City F.C. on the David Wilson Library

Opened by Queen Elizabeth II and the Duke of Edinburgh approximately yesterday, the David Wilson Library is best known for having shelves that are complete deathtraps. There was strong pressure by the students to remove these shelves after a history student was squashed to death. However this petition was retracted after George Galloway was also crushed to death, on the principle that you lose some, win some.

Engineering Building

Sgt. Arthur Wilson Engineering Building

“Do you think that's wise sir?”

~ Sgt. Wilson on naming another building Wilson

The Arthur Wilson Engineering Building was the first major building by important British architect James Stirling. Yep, I've never heard of him either. The building is a grade 2 listed building and has been officially described as looking like a ship. Assuming ship is slang for old man.

Unlike several other buildings with "engineering" in the name, this building does not host the study of engineering, as the subject has been rendered useless. This is because every idiot knows if it's not working, check it's plugged in and then switch it off/on again. The building in fact works as an engineer, kind of like a self functioning organism. It produces just enough electricity to keep itself running, which is quite interesting but not very interesting. Having said this, the building is a keen chess player and once stood as a sabbatical officer (though it wasn't elected, being deemed too competent).

Student Accommodation

Available to students is a variety of accommodation of varying quality, from the roofless to the downright almost bearable.

Digby Hovel

Still resisting refurbishment despite having been bombed during the war, Digby Hovel boasts an outside toilet and a rat infestation zoo. Rooms come decorated with stone age cave paintings and straw mats are also provided.

Digby is divided into various Hovel settlements, the most infamous being The Knoll, Southemeade and Hastings. These settlements are almost in a perpetual state of war with vast turf wars commencing on an almost daily basis. 'The War of the Feces', more commonly known by residents as 'The Great Poo And Pear Saga', is perhaps the most embittered conflict to date, with large sums of faecal matter and pears from nearby woodland penetrating the bastions of the Hastings settlement, much to the chagrin of its residents.

On a medical note, Digby halls is the only known source of Digby AIDs, a rare mutations of the HIV virus that is second only to DMU (De Montfort University) AIDs in its lethality and terribleness. While currently rare, it is spreading fast due to the very questionable sexual habits and practices that are in fact required for accommodation at the halls.

Digby is widely acclaimed by other students of the university for its lack of a roof.

Ye Beaumonte Halle

Ye Beaumonte hath been open since the 1700s. If thou duth enjoy civil war re-enactments and the finest architecture thou wilt see this side of Stratford-upon-Avon, then unto Beaumonte ye shouldst come; but alas, jousting is no longer allowed. Ye olde tavern is also on the grounds.

HMP Stamford Hall

HMP Stamford is Dennis Lasdun's finest prison. Guarded over by its Wardens Lodge, nearly 200 inmates students are forced to eat C grade meat on a daily basis, alongside residents of the neighbouring minimum security prison Gilbert Murray hall. Collectively the two are known as the GMS Correctional Institute.

Stamford hall is home to Leicester Uni's most popular bar: the S bar. Regularly attracting up to 5 visitors, the bar offers far more spacious surroundings than John Foster with all 5 visitors regularly swinging a cat around the bar there being nothing else to do.

GMS also incorporates Bowser Bowder Court. Which is nicer, but quite noisy when the Mario karts do 3 laps of it every 5.9 days.

Gilbert Murray (New Digby Hall)

Much like her predecessor New Digby has no roof, no bar and had been scheduled for demolition for 10 years until the bathrooms were upgraded to the minimum standard for young offenders and illegal immigrants. New Digby has a friendly reception staff who are always ready to help if you can find them during their extensive opening hours 9am - 9:30am Tues - Thurs.

Students at New Digby regularly enjoy watching the washing go round in the Laundrette; playing table tennis (in a rare amenity to the Oadby halls of residence); and perving monitoring the safety of young women on the neighbouring running track.

John Foster Hall plc.

If you're looking for the perfect venue to hold your annual stakeholders conference - look no further! John Foster Hall provides a professional and efficient service catering for all your business needs. Our grey carpets and corporate furniture will make it feel just like the office and provide the perfect setting for you to really close the deal! Take time to relax in our intimate 3 person bar, sample the delights of our two water dispensers and soak in the sterile atmosphere - you'll almost forget you're in a university at all! Winner of the 'prestigious' 2007 Bronze award for the Best Use of Budget at the Meetings and Incentive Travel Industry Awards - come to John Foster Hall - now competing with Holiday Inn as the third best venue in the Leicester area for day conferences!

Mary Gee

A fine institution, originally a russian Gulag, now kept exactly the same and sold as student accomodation.

Just off Ratcliffe Road (winner of the Bumpiest Dirt Track award) stand the welcoming buildings of Auschwitz Mary Gee. There are always vacancies.

Engels described the Mary Gee houses as "generally unplanned wildernesses of one or two-storied terraced houses built of brick. Wherever possible these have cellars which are also used as dwellings. These little houses… They are filthy and strewn with animal and vegetable refuse. Since they have neither gutters nor drains, the refuse accumulates in stagnant, stinking puddles. Ventilation in the slums is inadequate owing to the hopelessly unplanned nature of these areas"

If this list of options depresses you, just think. It could be worse. You could live in Coventry.

Mary Gee is renowned for it's vibrant social life, but this is reported to be due to the lack of doors as opposed to people actually liking one another.

Typical Opal Court residents.

Opal Court

Cited by a particularly witty commentator as "the John Foster of the sky", the quite literal metaphorical ivory towers of Opal Court are visible from any location in Leicester. There's a Subway outside for those inhabitants hungry enough to descend the stairway to heaven, and it also turns grey when it's going to rain.

HMS Freeman's Common

HMS Freeman's Common is Leicester's nautical hall of residence. Doubling as the university's Navy and moored next to the civilian SS Dry Dock, the hall of residence is fortunate to have it's own doctors surgery, installed in response to the great Scurvy outbreak of '76. The surgery is proud of its status as the country's pre-eminent Scurvy specialists. Today Scurvy remains the only illness the surgery treats, prescribing a course of fruit for any illness. Freeman's Common is also responsible for the current poor state of repair of the HMS Engineering Building thanks to a poorly aimed salvo from her Scurvy ridden aft side gunners, who mistook the Engineering for the fast attack ship Loughborough University which had been spotted cruising in the area.

Nixon Court

If you enjoy living with the sound of cranes, pneumatic drills and diggers until 1am, along with copious piles of mud and dodgy fire alarms, this is the place for you!

Societies

The University of Leicester has a reputation for having many good societies. If a trip around the Fresher's Fair doesn't dash that myth for you, then one term of having spent £3 on each one and hearing fuck all back will.

LUSH (radio)

The springboard into oblivion for many a promising career, LUSH (that's Leicester Union of Student Halfwits, if you were wondering) radio is run by an ancient circle of heathens known as The Execs. They are tasked with dispensing warnings to and rescheduling anyone with the slightest suggestion of talent who may emerge and stamping out anything but the most anodyne and uninteresting banter between playing exactly the same songs as the show before. For some reason, they let any idiot student broadcast on their station, which tends to lead to an overall homogenisation of content.a

A typical daily schedule for LUSH runs as so:

09:00 - The "Useless Idiot sits and says the names of Muse Songs as he/she plays YouTube rips through his/her crappy mp3 player" Show. Stay tuned for amazing features such as "Oh fuck why has it stopped, oh fuck i just swore on air, oh fuck fuck balls", the "Sound of me breathing as i forget to turn the microphones off" section, and of course, everyone's favourite, "Reading directly from a poor newspaper or magazine on the air".

10:00 until 23:00 - Same as 09:00

There are, however, ways around The Thought Police Execs: if you are sleeping with an Exec and/or a Geordie, you get a free pass and can broadcast talk about wanking during the school run as much as you want. On the downside, if you fulfil either of those criteria then you definitely have chlamydia.

LUST (Leicester Union of Students Television)

As with all not-quite-top-tier universities, the University of Leicester has its own TV station. How do you watch it? No one knows. Who watches it? No one knows. Who wants to watch it? No one. It seems to exist solely so people can go home during the holidays and shock their mothers by telling them they're working on a TV station called LUST (one term at uni and they think they're all growed up, bless 'em).

The Ripple

If you enjoy reading a newspaper upside down, solving defective crosswords, or are just a stickler for reading undergraduate english students write poorly about matters like they actually know anything or have any worthwhile opinion at all, turn to the middle of The Ripple. If not, don't bother. Also doubles as a handy secondary source of winter fuel, or wrapping for a Pass The Parcel.

Social Life

University of Leicester students sure know how to live it up. Those guys!! Most students will relax by purchasing kinder eggs from nourish for £100,000.

Students Union

Leicester University Students Union (a division of O2) is the best place on campus to get mobile signal. Whilst sending a text, why not have a Starbucks Coffee? Then buy some overpriced stationary from Rymans - please! We need you to, because noone's going to eat in the over-priced restaurant and we'll have to sack more staff (and possibly shoot a kitten if you don't.)

The Venue

The Venue was renowned for its endless revolving door of "celebrities" you'd thought you'd seen the last of years ago/complete unknowns, including B*Witched, Wiley, Taio Cruz, and Booty Love (all of which have attained honourary doctorates from the University to make them go away for their services to entertainment). Of course, that was in the old days. Now we have a bunch of townies filling the O2 academy up so that we can't have Shampoo on every Thursday.

Viccy Park

“I am not amus... Oh look a squirrel falling out of a tree. That's quite funny.”

~ Queen Victoria on on Viccy Park

And thus the park received its name as the only place in Leicester to receive an indifferent comment from the Queen (she completely hated the rest). Though technically it's just an area of grass. But what other areas of grass offer you squirrels, buggery, festivals, Russian acrobats, buggery, infra red cameras, date rape, and buggery? Don't try and answer; it was rhetorical. Really though, if you knew what went on there, you'd know why it's counted under social life. You'd also be liable for prosecution.

Due to its history, it comes as a surprise that there isn't a pub named the Queen Vic. We know that they watch Eastenders in call centres, so they can't claim to not be aware of it.

Recently this park has earned the nickname 'Man rape park'. No further explanation necessary.

Relationship with De Montfort University

Ever since Leicester Polytechnic (now DMU, thanks to political correctness gone mad) was giving degrees in hopping around a campfire in 8000BC, there's been an unhealthy rivalry between the University of Leicester and De Montfort polytechnic special school rat's dump shithole because...well, that's how human beings work.

Varsity Match

Surely the sport of kings.

Every year in May, the Universities hold a game of Hitling; partly for competition's sake, and partly to cut down on student numbers due to oversubscription. This game is unique to the Leicester Varsity, and has a rivalry only matched in intensity by the Oxford University and Cambridge University Battleships tournament. It is rare for the match not to end in a full-scale riot.

The match takes place at Leicester's Crisp Bowl. Each team has 7 full sized players and a midget and they are all equipped with their team's kit, a helmet, and a feather duster. Players also carry knives in case the match goes into sudden death overtime. The object of the game is for one team to underarm slam dunk a croquet mallet through a wicket without the other team's noticing. The game has 4 main rules:

1. The game shall continue until either A: 60 minutes has expired, B: One team is able to factorise their score to the power of seven, or C: The crowd starts to riot.

2. A forward pass with the intention of breaking the upper quarterback shift with a lateral movement and no attempt to dribble up the byline shall be punished with a flagrant offside by the fourth official if he's not being blocked by the forward defenseman or standing behind the 10 metre line and in front of the 15 yard line, unless this is contradicted by a backwards circular motion by the reserve dwarf, in which case the play is reset to the outside of the arc, where the puck shall be dropped. This is all nullified however if the player has landed in Mornington Crescent.

3. No touching of the hair or face.

4. YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT HITLING.

The future of the match is in doubt because of last year's match, which left 6 players dead, 13 with broken limbs and one with quite a bad headache. The low mortality rate of that match means it has become known as the Great Hitling Tragedy, and has led University officials to suggest replacing the annual Rollerball Hitling match with a straightforward cull of the chaviest students.

“The Hitling we have seen here today is almost as unwatchable as the Star Wars Holiday Special. Oh stop booing, I said almost...”

~ John Motson on the Great Hitling Tragedy

Student Prospects

“Have you tried busking?”

~ Job Centre Employee on Recent Leicester Graduate's career prospects

You can always tell a University of Leicester graduate apart; the way they present themselves, work together in a team, speak positively about opportunities, demand attention, communicate effectively, organize themselves and stick to their task. Yes, no-one can queue for the dole more effectively than a Leicester Graduate.

Notable Alumni

• Ken Barlow
• Sunshine Martyn- the girl from Big Brother
• Russell Brand
• Karen Monger
• Thomas Cook
• Peter Cook
• Dane Cook
• Captain Cook
• Rebecca Cooke
• Alistair Cooke
• The Cook Islands
• Mohandas Gandhi
• Randhi Gandhi
• Engelbert Humperdinck
• John Hurt
• Madeleine McCann
• Victor Meldrew
• The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him
• King William of Orange (the first fruit ever to graduate unless you include Oscar Wilde)
• Laurie Taylor (What do you mean you don't know who he is?)
• Willie Thorne
• Senator Vreenak
• Gok Wan