Madeleine McCann
 | This article may be Overly British |
“I think it was Mr McCann, with the sleeping tablets, in the living room.”
Madeline "Mad Maddy" McCann was the first person to ever escape the Praia da Luz, a maximum security prison in southern Portugal. Many people had believed her to be "on holiday", and were shocked and saddened when it was revealed that not only had she been incarcerated, but she had also managed to escape. Her current whereabouts are still unknown.
Media attention
After her escape on the 3rd of May 2007, Portuguese police have been scouring an area of one square metre to try and recapture her. It is suspected that she had some assistance in her escape, and on the 15th of May, Robert Murat, a local shirt wearer, had been questioned thoroughly as to his part in her disappearance. By the 17th of August, police had to admit their incompetence, and publicly declare that they just didn't know where she was.
A large manhunt began for Mad Maddy, though fcuk knows why - as the subject matter is actually a very small girl! Wanted posters started to appear in airports, shopping centres, businesses, and other populated places, such as McDonalds, Lidl, Aldi and Chavsda; in the hope that raising public awareness would help to locate her. Some suspected that she had fled the country, and the story went international. Reliable British newspapers, including the newspaper of record, the Daily Fail and others, such as The Sun (comic) and the Daily Express printed extravagant headlines and accompanying pictures to get the message out.
European Hide-and-Seek Champion
The current European hide-and-seek champion 'Mad' Madeleine McCann was challenged to a game yesterday by the newly crowned UK hide-and-seek champion, Shannon Mathews, who won the Britain-based tournament 4 days ago. The chairman of the IHSO (International Hide-and-Seek Organisation) Osama Bin Laden (who is also the current international champion and world record holder), yesterday forwarded a video through Iraqi television exclaiming his interest in the upcoming game and, once his game finishes, he would be happy to put his championship on the line against the winner. The joint intergalactic champions, Kang and Kodos reiterated that night, that they believed that the next holder of their title would be the aforementioned Miss Mccann. They also stipulated that they did not assist in McCann's escape - contrary to investigations by Agents Mulder and Scully who found evidence of extra-terrestrial activity outside the Maximum security facility where Madeleine was being held.
Parental (lack of)-control
As routes of investigation began to turn sour, police began to look deeper into the case. The spotlight turned to Mad Maddy's parents, Gerry and Kate McCann (both doctors). They, however, insisted that they had no knowledge of her whereabouts, staunchly defending this with claims of "We were at the restaurant across the road" and "There were other people about, right?" Such claims of parental desertion have since been verified by a family friend.
In another twist, it came to light that Gerry McCann (a failed Heart Surgeon) had been checking in on Maddy often, which some wardens had considered an abuse of the visiting hours regulations. He famously said to reporters that "someone might have been hiding in the room". Portuguese police jumped at the chance to dispel rumours of their ineptitude, and began to investigate. Predictably, they returned empty handed.
The Other Suspect
On the night of her escape, a friend of the McCanns who was visiting the Prada da Luz on an unrelated matter claims that she saw a man "carrying a young blonde girl wearing "distinguishable" pyjamas and wrapped in a blanket" away from Mad Maddy's cell. Although she dismissed this originally as "just what them Johnny Foreigners do", it soon dawned upon her that it might not have been natural Portuguese behaviour, but rather something far more sinister. She was arrested as a suspect, but the charges were dropped after Portuguese police forgot to question her.
Busting out the Big Guns
As the matter was now of international notoriety, fearing for public safety and world peace, the British stepped in to take the reins. Meat pies crammed into their suitcases, a number of British experts arrived in Portugal, including skilled police officers and world champion pie eaters experienced investigators. These were in turn armed with technology far superior to that of the 'pencil and paper' resident force. There were, however, some inconceivable communication problems. The British police had assumed that the Portuguese would know English, but the Portuguese only spoke a crazy made-up language. This hampered the investigation to no end, and ultimately, no progress was made. But we do know that they did it!!
Madeline McCan't
It has been many months since the escape of one of Portugal's now most infamous detainee. Given the time frame, it is very possible that Mad Maddy has fled not only Portugal, but Europe; perhaps even the world. Some even suspect that because of the lack of evidence, she simply ceased to exist, and phased into another universe, hitching a ride in the Tardis of The Doctor (whom she may have thought was her real parent). There are, however, been reported sightings of her. People have claimed to have seen her in Portugal, Malta, Spain, Santas Grotto, My Garage, Mesopotamia, Belgium, Lapland, The Moon, In a tip, 500 years in the past, and even Morocco. Many of these have been revealed to be gross falsities - red herrings perpetuated to try and cash in on some of the reward.
What now?
Useless Portuguese police have confirmed that they plan to look a little bit harder some time next week, perhaps in the garden, behind the shed, under the doormat. Until then, Mad Maddy is still at large. But, they did it.
The future
The mad scientists have started a new business venture. With them both having a CSE grade 5 in biology, they created a new IVF clinic near their hometown. They will be farming the limited genes from participants in the new television show Desparate Scousewives in the hope of making a clone of Mad Maddy. The McCanns emphasise this is a long term proposition, and is expected to take 1,000 years to achieve, primarilly due to the extremely poor quality of the research subjects.
