Rishi Sunak

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The Earl of Tesco
Rishi Sunak.jpeg
"The fuck'd you mean I can't bomb Lancashire?"
Born 20 February 1951 Southampton, England
Party: Conservative, BNP when Nutella gets involved
Career: Akshata Murty (since 2009)
Alma Mater: Richington School of Private Parts
Religion: Hinduism (To the dismay of Jeremy Vine talk show callers)
Species: A completely, normal UK taxpayer[citation needed]
Signature: WHAT IF I DONT WANNA.png
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
Term of office: 25 October 2022 – 5 July 2024
Preceded by: Liz Truss
Succeeded by: Keef
Chancellor of the Exchequer
Term of office: 13 February 2020 – 5 July 2022
Preceded by: Sajid Javid
Succeeded by: Nadhim Zahawi (but not for very long)

How many people voted for Rishi? Net zero.

– Count Binface on Rishi Sunak

Like from Alien? No I, I am not one of those; I am a normal. Normal, taxplayer. [sic]

Rishi Sunak on allegations of xenophobia

The Maharaja of Yorkshire Rishi Sunak, 9th Earl of Tesco (born 12 May 1980) has been the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom—or, as Nutella Braverman calls him, "that bloke wot runs the corner shop"—since Liz Truss exploded on Mars, and until his party exploded at Jupiter. Prior to his unelection as Prime Mini-Budget Undoer, he was the Chancellor of the Exchequer, giving over 10 pounds to each person on t'furlough. Contrary to what the gammons on GBeebies spout, the Rishmeister did not stab the Blonde Bombshell in the back: he stabbed him in the front, leaving a moderate-to-large sized wound in the Bozemeister's chest; even worse, the Health Secretary had resigned two minutes prior, so tough luck Sonny Jim M'Lad M'Boy: your career is as dead as that ant. The Sunak, as he's known to his friends, and Rashid as he's known to schizophrenics, then ran at 2mph in the leadership contest to replace Big Spaffer, where he was beaten by the Grin. The Grin then hit the ground so hard her knees detached from her body and collapsed in full view of the children. Richter Scale was then invited by King Prince Charles to form a new government, which, as promised, has been honest, integrity-filled and accountability-chocka.[citation needed] High points of his premiership have included the abolition of the CRUEL seven-bin mandate, the meat tax, the bi-annual Hounslow Hunger Games, the law forcing motorists to shoot their XL Bullies and, most successfully, destroyed the Taliban. All this, understandably, tires him out; this has led to the phrase Sunakared.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] He has attracted controversy for being the richest Prime Minister person in Britain today, with a net worth of at least 40 quid, half a sack of parsnips and the ability to heat his home.

House of Commons and Chancellor of the Exchequer (2015–2022)[edit | edit source]

R-dog was elected to Parliament during the 2015 general election: fittingly for Richmond, reflecting Sunak's own enormous wealth; in fact, he possesses enough of that sweet, sweet bank nectar to fill up his car at least halfway with petrol.[1] Sunny Sunak quickly set about making friends with a chimpanzee escaped from the circus; the chimpanzee, like how they do on safaris, then caused people to be locked inside their cars and homes in a lockdown from an STD transmitted by the Prime Minister's insatiable appetite for bedroom funky-getting; the enraged circus animal also decided to spray shit all over No. 10's cabinet room, and appointed Caprishi-Sunak Chancellor of the Exchecksandbalancesequer. Richer-than-Unak wasted not one second of his time in the Treasury: he launched Sleep Out and Die Out, a scheme designed to make as many people homeless as possible, freezing by Christmas and providing a cheap alternative to roast turkey; the furlow-low-wages scheme, which meant that you could only buy 80% of eggs that you usually could;[2] and partied his way through the crisis, earning his the nickname "Chancellor of the XFactor" and landing him an FPN: that is, a French Presidential Nightout, meaning he could rave through the night with President Macron too.

Unfortunately for the Bozemeister, he had made a series of bad decisions which led to Sunken Sunak landing the decisive crap on the governmental ship's poop deck. The Health Secretary too resigned, meaning MopTop™ could no longer mop up the blood pouring from 67 administrative stab wounds. He resigned; Wet Lettuce, along with Posh Spice, Scary Spice, Vindictive Spice and Tom all ran alongside Bacon Rasher to quench the country's rumbling appetite for a new Prime Minister.

Earldom of Tesco and the Feud with the Co-Op[edit | edit source]

Scenes outside Manchester, October 2023

The Earldom of Tesco is a legendary title first held by Countess Maggie Thatcher. She once said "Tesco is a massive part of the United Kingdom and should not be fucked with." The current Earl of Tesco payed homage to this by stating "We will bring down Co-op and any other store who dare oppose us." The massive rivalry between the two shops has caused a gigantic stir between the chavs of Britain, and led to a steady increase in crime within the store areas. One chav from London with his mandem stated: "We are with the Earl of Tesco all the way, Co-op meal deals are shit and he provides us with quality food lad." One Co-op chav stated "The Earl of Tesco is ruining our stores as an act of aggression, if you hear me Rishi, I WILL SHANK YOU UP FAM." There is a battle to be expected soon between the 2 stores and will be bloody as can be. Rishi says "There will be cheese sandwiches and ready meals thrown into the battlefield for all of the ones that weren't brought and eaten because of the Co-op crew."

The Earl of Tesco at the time was expected to run thy oppositions pockets and have a good cup of PG tips tea. Meanwhile, the Co-op crew were preparing for the battle. "Branston pickle and strawberry jam will be shed." Said the Co-op crew leader Kier Starmer.

Tesco mobilised their units as they were ambushed by the Co-op's forces. Eyewitness Corporal lamb and beef hotpot recalls: "The Co-op crew jumped from the roof of Tesco's main building and formed a wedge with all of the men they had. It was brutal." The Tesco squad quickly fled from the scene and were in great despair at the many losses of their food. That was when the great Earl of Tesco said: "We must fight the filthy vermin that are the Co-op squad with every fibre of our being, and push forward so that the next generation of sales, meal deals and pot noodles may be sold in peace." And with that said, he pushed on with his remaining men, and managed to out sell every Co-op deal out there. All of the names of the fallen are as listed: Marmite, Ketchup, Mustard, Beans on Toast, Bangers and Mash and Tetley Tea.

We commend you for your bravery.

The Earl of Tesco is now regarded as the most respectable position in the UK.

LGBT issues[edit | edit source]

All Conservatives hate trans people but Sunak is notable for being overt with it. On the 4th of Holey Pumpkin Month, 2023, Sunak stated that “we shouldn’t get bullied into believing that people can be any sex they want to be”. This speech comes a week after every transgender person (going by they/them plural) stole Sunak’s lunch money.

Previous Transphobic remarks include on the 7th of Transfemuary, 2023, when Sunak was questioned about how his wife, Akshata Murty, was. To which he responded with the popular transphobic dog whistle “She’s an, A-, Adult Human Female”.

On the 5th of Junlper, 2023, Sunak incited a protest after a joke[citation needed] in his speech “You’ll all know that I’m a big fan of everybody studying maths to 18, but it turns out that we need to focus on biology.” A congregation of transgender rights activists protested outside of 10 Downing Street, with many taking photos, and a few even tagging the location, before posting online. Sunak responded on X (formerly Twitter) with the post “Last Friday, Larry and I’s address was posted on Twitter by every activist actor who took pictures of themselves in front of our house, carefully positioning themselves to ensure that our address was visible.”

Rishi Sunak’s current stance is that he is not transphobic, for he doesn’t believe in transgender people. UnNews interviewed Kemi Badenoch, who would prefer to remain anonymous, about claims Sunak has made:

Wikinews waves Left.svgUnNewsWikinews waves Right.svg So. First things first. Is Rishi Sunak transphobic?

Badenoch: Yes. We all are, him… more so than others. Fear the unknown and all that I suppose.

Wikinews waves Left.svgUnNewsWikinews waves Right.svg Great segway! Why doesn’t Rishi believe in trans people?

Badenoch: Well. We’re in talks with the Northern Irish government and they’re looking for a uhh, national animal.

Wikinews waves Left.svgUnNewsWikinews waves Right.svg Wow. Who knew that all you needed to get a politician to tell the truth was a line of coke and a promise of anonymity. Thanks for joining us and back to you Uncyclopedia Article.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. Part of the preceding sentence was nuked by the anti-car coalition as part of the War on Motorists.
  2. No Grandma, we are NOT buying triple-ply bog roll any more!!111!!!!!11