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Out of print since 2005
Monday, April 6, 2020, 14:25 (UTC)
Tips to avoid the coronavirus
UnNews:Tips to avoid the coronavirus
The coronavirus is spreading around the world like some kind of contagious disease, so here at UnNews we decided to put a list together of the do's and don't's to help our beloved readers avoiding catching it.

1) Do not lick windows. Tragically, two Uncyclopedia readers have already fallen victim to the virus after licking windows on public transport. We know they look delicious, we know they are tempting as all heck, but we beseech all our readers to fight the urge to lick windows on buses, trains, planes and especially the subway in San Francisco.

2) Stop playing Catch the Sneeze. While this is widely acknowledged as the fastest-growing sport in the developed world, it is simply not safe to stand opposite a friend, wait for him to sneeze and try to catch his mucus in your mouth, given the current climate.

Yang "a coronavirus carrier," says Trump
UnNews:Yang "a coronavirus carrier," says Trump
WASHINGTON -- Impeached President Donald Trump claims that former Democratic hopeful Andrew Yang, who dropped out of the race shortly before Tuesday's New Hampshire primary, is infected with the coronavirus, the latest trendy fad disease that no one will remember in five years. "He's got it bad," Trump tweeted, "he's hot for teacher. He needs to go back to China so they can cure him. Unforchinately (sic) China banned the letter N."
The Who unveils plan to lower insulin prices
UnNews:The Who unveils plan to lower insulin prices
LONDON, England -- No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, quite like The Who. The legendary rock band is well aware that insulin is too expensive, and you'd have to be some rich pompous ass to afford it nowadays. But Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend have a plan to lower the cost.

In November, the "My Generation" hit-makers launched a pilot program to boost the availability of insulin worldwide. The idea is to work with manufacturers to increase the global supply — and, in doing so, hopefully drive down the price tag. Since then, seven big pharma's have shown interest in the program.

"I mean, you know, Pete, diabetes is becoming more widespread, the amount of insulin available is pathetically low, prices are too bloody high, so, you know, Pete and I had to do something," Daltrey said.

Britney Spears is a fucking Commie
UnNews:Britney Spears is a fucking Commie
This UnNews article was written by our very special guest Sean Hannity. The views expressed in this article are solely those of meatheadded right wing nutjobs and do not represent the views of Uncyclopedia, UnNews or any decent human being. The usual UnNews gang is out due to the Coronavirus quarantine. Hannity, in fact, wrote this while at a bar with his friends, Devin Nunes and Rand Paul.

HOLLYWEIRD -- In news totally unrelated to that Coronavirus hoax those bastard Liberal media fabricated, Britney Spears -- who hasn't had a hit since the aptly named "Toxic," but we nevertheless rag on for ratings, because we're sexist pigs -- recently posted an alarming message on her Instagram on Monday. She posted a picture of a poem by someone we've never heard of and are too lazy/racist to look up. She captioned it:

"Hey, I'm a Communist now, y'all! Communism goes beyond walls. 🌹🌹🌹"
U.S. warns Gerard Depardieu: Stay out of our elections
UnNews:U.S. warns Gerard Depardieu: Stay out of our elections
WASHINGTON -- The United States is cracking down on foreign actors participating in Super Tuesday's primary elections. And by foreign actors, we are not referring to foreign governments such as Russia, Ukraine, China or North Korea. Instead, U.S. officials are referring to the likes of world cinema actors such as Gerard Depardieu, Roberto Benigni, Javier Bardem, Alain Delon, Jean-Paul Belmondo, Jean Reno, Kenneth Branagh, Christoph Waltz, Brigitte Bardot, Franco Nero (the spaghetti western, Django), Chow Yun-Fat, and that guy from The Artist. "We don't need performers from letterboxed, subtitled films giving their opinions, or worse, trying to steer our elections in favor of a specific candidate. That's our job!" says Robert Brink, Virginia Department of Elections Chairman of the Board. "I can't even read the subtitles fast enough. Besides, I'm too taken in by the cinematography. Amelie was sheer torture in that regard. At least Suspiria was in English."

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.

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