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Tuesday, March 17, 2026, 17:29 (UTC)
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BREAKING NEWS: Iran names Cardboard Box as new Ayatollah, who is immediately blown to shreds. Rinse and repeat..
  WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Nobel Committee has awarded President Donald Trump with yet another Nobel Peace Prize, this time for starting a war with Iran. This peace prize, now one of the many prizes he has earned over his term, was officially given for "starting a war which may theoretically end at some point in the future." Following initial confusion, the Nobel Committee explained, "Since wars always have an end, either by a cessation of hostilities, or a possible end of the world scenario, starting a war is causally and topographically indistinguishable from ending one. As someone who has causally ended a war, Trump is therefore eligible for this prize." Joint U.S. and Israeli strikes have already killed Iran's former Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, and destroyed multiple military targets, including an ammunition depot where missiles were disguised as young schoolgirls. Iran has responded by sporadically launching drones at multiple U.S. military bases, before sending their real payload to destroy luxury hotels in Dubai and Bahrain.  WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following air strikes on Caracas and the successful capture of Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro, Donald Trump was given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for his commendable work of putting an end to the war he started approximately three hours ago. Chief of Staff Susie Wiles has reportedly lamented the lack of shelf space to store all of Trump's numerous Nobel Peace Prizes (all of them legitimate and certified Swedish), and Marco Rubio was even seen pacing the grounds of what was once the White House Rose Garden, masturbating furiously to an AI-generated image of Havana burning.  Caracas, VENEZUELA — At around 2:00 VET this morning, President of the United States Donald Trump decided to trump out a colossal, 30-minute-long malodour during a sojourn to the airspace of the Venezuelan north whilst naked and hanging onto a rope attached to a helicopter embellished with his own name. This transpired after his downing five bowls of pabellón criollo at a restaurant in the vicinity while accompanied by a horde of military generals on an arduous quest to hold Venezuelan Führer Nicolás Maduro hostage.  KANSAS CITY, Missouri — Holy smokes. They actually did it. In a move so baffling or smart we couldn't decide on using a Wizard of Oz "Toto, I guess we're going back to Kansas!" or Taylor Swift "shake it off, shake off the Missouri" reference, or simply saying "yup, this is what Swifties, tearing your starting quarterback's ACL, then your backup QB's ACL, or winning so many fraudulent Super Bowls will do to ya", that NFL team named after Kansas, but based in Missouri's largest city and the world's second largest meth lab, decided to move to the state it was named after to stop confusing everyone.   Walking MAGA meme Elon Musk is urging people to cancel Netflix due to a long-canceled cartoon literally nobody has ever heard of and UnNews can't be bothered to look up. [Dead End: Paranormal Park, you lazy fuck! - Ed.] Musk posted on X: "Cancel Netflix for the health of your kids. Say no to the transgender woke agenda! Besides, there will be nothing worth watching on Netflix within the next three months. Nobody wants to see yet another Frankenstein. Guillermo del Toro peaked with Pacific Rim. And Nightmare Alley was so bad he should've been deported! Like I said, nothing worth watching on Netflix within the next three months. Mark my words!" |
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 Your horoscope for today: "Move quickly and break things" was the motto that led to Mark Zuckerberg's making Facebook a billion-dollar business, but it has not had the same success at your ballet school.
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