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Friday, January 24, 2020, 01:32 (UTC)
Hannity scrambles to interview Levi Parnas
UnNews:Hannity scrambles to interview Levi Parnas
1211 Avenue of the Americas -- After Lev Parnas's damning interview with MSNBC's Rachel Maddow in which Parnas confirmed what we already knew -- that Trump and his goons (including Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani, William Barr, and Devin Nunes) are guilty as fuck -- Maddow's Faux News time slot rival Sean Hannity is scrambling to interview an Ohio farmer named Levi Parnas (not Lev) in order to rebut Lev Parnas's implications of several Trump administration members, and Trump himself.

But so far, it isn't smooth sailing.

"I don't wanna get involved in this mess," Levi says. "I don't even like Trump. Hell, I don't even watch Fox News."

Trump impeached, Christmas cancelled
UnNews:Trump impeached, Christmas cancelled
NORTH POLE -- Now that Donald Trump has been impeached in the House of Representatives, every Christian's favorite jolly old elf (no, not Jeff Sessions) has announced that Christmas is cancelled this year. Santa Claus said during a press conference immediately after the final votes were tallied, "The world already got what it wanted for Christmas anyway. My God, this guy was giving me a headache! I only got to skim my list once. I barely made a damn list, I've been so busy!"
Ryan Coogler on Gilliam's Brazil: 'What the fuck is this?'
UnNews:Ryan Coogler on Gilliam's Brazil: 'What the fuck is this?'
LOS ANGELES, California -- Black Panther director Ryan Coogler is no fan of Terry Gilliam's Brazil. During a Hollywood Reporter Director Roundtable on Sunday, moderator Stephen Galloway turned the discussion to Martin Scorsese's recent criticisms of Marvel. Scorsese himself was part of the panel. (No pun intended. Okay, maybe. Ish.)

Then some time later, the discussion turned to Brazilian cinema. It was then that Ryan Coogler, who was never officially part of the panel, showed up and interjected.

"Speaking of Brazil," he asked, "has anyone seen Terry Gilliam's Brazil?"

Trump tweets "Impeach the pres"
UnNews:Trump tweets "Impeach the pres"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what has become yet another mundane twist in the era of the Trump administration. President Donald Trump used his secure as fuck iPhone to tweet out that he wanted to see himself impeached. In the days leading up to the impeachment vote, he has been firing on all cylinders left and right trying to stop it from happening; blaming everything from the Democrats to the Jews and even Alec Baldwin. However, the recent tweet from his Twitter account has confused just about everybody. "Impeach the pres".
Trump claims toilets don't suck enough, vows to deregulate
UnNews:Trump claims toilets don't suck enough, vows to deregulate
WASHINGTON DC, United States -- Donald Trump has unveiled his plans to deregulate toilet design, complaining that it was the regulations that forced him to flush his toilet 10 to 15 times "to get it all down". The Donald, also known as the President of the United States, discussed in front of a business round table his order to the Environmental Protection Agency to review remove plumbing fixtures that use less water.


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Your horoscope for today: Riding up the escalator tomorrow might seem the perfect moment to dispose of a fart: the movement away from the scene of the crime, the background noise, etc. However, remember a cursory glance behind you to check the coast is clear is not enough: there might be a small child whose face is directly in line with your anus when you break wind.



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