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Wednesday, January 19, 2022, 07:08 (UTC)
 The Hellenic Republic (or Greece, if you're cool) announced Tuesday that all persons aged 60 or older are required to be vaccinated by January 2022 or else Zeus will "smite" them. The birthplace of democracy, philosophy, mythology and early religion, science, math, wrestling, Trojan condoms and the Olympics is making no bones about where they stand on the vaccine issue.
"Oh my Ares and Athena, what's it gonna take to get through to you people?!!!" pondered Greek Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis. "I would say it is the price for health. It is also an act of justice for the vaccinated. It's not right that they are deprived of health care services because of some putz. If you're one of those kólos, then may Zeus have mercy on your soul."
 WASHINGTON -- President Biden returned from his colonoscopy Friday -- after having Vice President Harris serve as Acting President for 85 minutes, nearly the length of an SNL episode -- to perform his first turkey pardon, a tradition that dates all the way back to... Bush 41?
Still high off the anesthesia, Biden put in a karaoke CD and told the confused audience, "You might remember this little soft rock hit from 1991." Thinking that the song would be Marc Cohn's "Walking in Memphis," he was delightedly surprised when he instead heard Dolly Parton's classic, "Jolene." "What the fuck?" Biden blurted out into the microphone. "I love this song, too. What the hell, let's sing it." Nashville, Tennessee: Local country girl Jacqueline Rogers recounted her bitter breakup to our UnNews correspondent, for no particular reason other than wanting to let something off her chest that she remembered all too well.
"So like, it started off like any relationship worth a damn starts, right? We're totally head-over-heels for each other, we can't imagine living apart, and we bone like, all the damn time." The UnNews correspondent asked if he was neglectful in using condoms, as that is a common early red flag in relationships. SESAME STREET, New York -- The air is a little less sweet in Sesame Street. The popular HBO/PBS children's show is severing ties with two favorites over their anti-vax beliefs. Sesame Workshop has fired mainstays Oscar the Grouch and Bert for their refusal to comply with the show's strict COVID-19 vaccine mandate.
"We don't care if you're puppets," the Workshop said in a statement, "you have a moral obligation to get this extremely important vaccine so that the next thing we have to worry about is the climate crisis, ending world hunger, billionaires in space, and Kanye."
 Today, we are thrilled to announce Windows 11, which became available on October 5, 2021, will soon be available for purchase in a highly anticipated Justin Bieber edition. This will begin rolling out to eligible Windows PCs that come pre-loaded with Windows 10 for a discounted price. This new Windows experience is designed to bring you closer to what you love: Justin Bieber (the 11 year-old version).
As the personal computer continues to play a more central role in our lives than ever before, and as long as you're not a pedophile, Windows 11 is ready to empower your productivity and inspire your creativity.
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