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Breaking the news
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Wednesday, September 30, 2020, 14:55 (UTC)
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  NEW YORK -- Warner Bros.'s New Line Cinema has announced that future 46th President of the United States Joe Biden will be starring in a remake of the Jim Carrey classic The Mask. No other casting announcements have been made, but Cameron Diaz is rumored to be coming out of retirement to reprise her role as Tina Carlyle.
"We're very excited to have Joe on board," says Co-president and CCO Carolyn Blackwood. "He has impeccable comedic timing, if not the rubber-faced characteristics of a live action cartoon."
  WASHINGTON (Hannity) -- In a sit-down interview with Fox News's own Laura Ingraham, Our Dear Leader Donald Trump has announced that Joe Biden, the ultra radical liberal leftie Commie who's going to defeat Trump in a November blowout in a rigged election or something, is being controlled by "people in the Dark Shadows."
Most everybody in Fox News's target audience is old enough to remember the 1960s Gothic soap opera Dark Shadows. Not that ultra hippie liberal bullshit with Johnny Depp and that kook who directed Beetlejuice. I'm talking about the real Dark Shadows with Jonathan Frid and Joan Bennett. It was set in a huge Gothic castle with a vampire named Barnabas Collins.
 WASHINGTON -- Longtime Trump
 LOS ANGELES -- Dr. Lucifer Von Hellfucker, drummer for the Satanic heavy metal band Pig Rectum, made a dramatic revelation, announcing via Instagram Wednesday that he has become a born again Christian.
  DUBLIN, Ireland -- UnNews is shocked and beyond saddened to report that iconic singer-songwriter Van Morrison's brain has died, just days short of his 75th birthday Monday. His brain's cause of death has been revealed to be right-wing ignorance towards COVID-19 safety guidelines.
Morrison's family knew something was wrong when he dismissed these guidelines as "pseudoscience" that should be fought and ignored. The often cantankerous (and often drunk) crooner is upset over adjusting his concerts to make them comply with COVID guidelines.
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: On Friday you feel very cocksure after managing to have sex with a colleague at the office, until someone points out your mother fucks half a dozen guys a night in her workplace.
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. |
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