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Saturday, January 28, 2023, 12:40 (UTC)
  WASHINGTON -- It's that time of year again and President Biden has performed his traditional pardoning of a holiday icon. The 80-year-old president has pardoned the country of Türkiye. President of Türkiye Recep Tayyip Erdoğan was proudly in attendance of the ceremony.
"Türkiye," Biden reprimanded the country, "subjecting Greece, the birthplace of democracy, to 400 years of Ottoman rule was a total dick move. But I accept that that was just the trendy thing to do at the time. And don't get me started on the whole mess about Istanbul and Constantinople. At least They Might Be Giants helped me sort it out." "Your country is one to talk, Mr. Biden," Erdoğan argued. "Did the Democratic Party not control the House of Representatives for 40 years, from 1955 to 1995? And was FDR not president from 1933-1945? That is The Great Depression and World War II."  CAIRO, Egypt The Oxford Archaeologist and Sunday Papers Podcast host and Snarkeologist Mike Gibbons who led the excavation into King Tut's tomb a decade ago may have incorrectly identified some ancient Egyptian pinball machines as altars. A random isotope scanning of what initially was thought to be an altar for animal sacrifice to the esteemed pharaoh Tutankhamun revealed what is now recognized as being a 'Knight Rider' pinball machine. "I'm just as surprised as the next guy!" said Gibbons when asked at church by an UnNews reporter. "How was I supposed to know?! Ask someone who's Irish-THOSE people are SMART!".
Gibbons and his team are now tracking down universities, collectors, and museums across the Europe in an attempt to return other artifacts that were possible misidentified. Tutankhamun's tomb, discovered a century ago on Nov. 4, 1922, contained many kewl artifacts. But some of the pharaoh's belongings have gone misidentified despite best archaeological practices being utilized in the tomb in Egypt. Following Elon Musk's takeover of Twitter, the hashtag #DeleteTwitter has reached Twitter's trending page, with many loyal Twitter users urging everyone to delete their Twitter accounts.
@LoryMay958, a member of Twitter for nearly 5 years now, stated in his post that "Twitter is completely falling apart. I urge you all to delete your account and delete the app from your phone, just like how I plan to do every month, but I always forget to, because I like receiving targeted ads on Twitter for things I might actually buy based on my browsing history and information about everything I have ever done."
 Mexicans around the world celebrated yet another annual 'Dia de Los Fartos' ('Day of Farts') with friends, frijoles, and flatulence. Día de Los Fartos is a holiday that draws on a centuries-old Mexican tradition of farting. During the 24 hour celebration, Mexicans believe that the border between the spirit world and the living world dissolves and that the invisible spirits of the deceased return to Earth and profess their love to their living loved ones through afterlife farting.
Events of all things gastrological in nature filled the day dedicated to this great Mexican past-time. Participants in the most modern of cities to the tiniest of pueblos celebrate the spirits with fleeting farts, drink to deep farts, toast in steadfast farts, sing about farts, dance to fart-themed music, play fartbol, and cry like only hopeless romantics can to long lost farts. Visitors are invited to stroll the open-air market in many cities to experience many self made farts by classically trained fartists and dine on fart-inducing foods from all over Mexico including the traditional delicious Mexican Alfartigo Soup.
 LONDON - After several weeks, a head of iceberg lettuce named Lizzy Lettuce won against her human counterpart, Liz Truss. A representative of the Daily Star Party, she won by a unanimous 45-0 vote.
This comes after Truss decided to give up and call it quits forever after she realized the smell emitted by the iceberg lettuce was getting foul. When asked about the incident, she said that she "couldn't hold it longer after 10 days because it was so disgusting". Over 100,000 viewers watched the livestream of the spectacle. When Truss said that she resigned, people in the comments rejoiced, with some saying "Lettuce for PM" and "Lettuce deserves this".
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