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Breaking the news
Wednesday, September 30, 2020, 14:55 (UTC)
Joe Biden to remake The Mask
UnNews:Joe Biden to remake The Mask
NEW YORK -- Warner Bros.'s New Line Cinema has announced that future 46th President of the United States Joe Biden will be starring in a remake of the Jim Carrey classic The Mask. No other casting announcements have been made, but Cameron Diaz is rumored to be coming out of retirement to reprise her role as Tina Carlyle. "We're very excited to have Joe on board," says Co-president and CCO Carolyn Blackwood. "He has impeccable comedic timing, if not the rubber-faced characteristics of a live action cartoon."

Trump: Barnabas Collins is controlling Biden
UnNews:Trump: Barnabas Collins is controlling Biden
WASHINGTON (Hannity) -- In a sit-down interview with Fox News's own Laura Ingraham, Our Dear Leader Donald Trump has announced that Joe Biden, the ultra radical liberal leftie Commie who's going to defeat Trump in a November blowout in a rigged election or something, is being controlled by "people in the Dark Shadows." Most everybody in Fox News's target audience is old enough to remember the 1960s Gothic soap opera Dark Shadows. Not that ultra hippie liberal bullshit with Johnny Depp and that kook who directed Beetlejuice. I'm talking about the real Dark Shadows with Jonathan Frid and Joan Bennett. It was set in a huge Gothic castle with a vampire named Barnabas Collins.
KellyAnne Conway, husband to step away from politics, watch Urkel reruns
UnNews:KellyAnne Conway, husband to step away from politics, watch Urkel reruns
WASHINGTON -- Longtime Trump adviser liar and cheerleader KellyAnne Conway has announced that after a three-and-a-half-year tenure, she will be stepping away from politics. Similarly, husband George, who thinks Trump should kindly "fuck a cactus," will be stepping down from his anti-Trump PAC, The Lincoln Project. "We're taking a hiatus from political life to focus on Family Matters," says George.

Satanic heavy metal drummer becomes born-again Christian
UnNews:Satanic heavy metal drummer becomes born-again Christian
LOS ANGELES -- Dr. Lucifer Von Hellfucker, drummer for the Satanic heavy metal band Pig Rectum, made a dramatic revelation, announcing via Instagram Wednesday that he has become a born again Christian.
Van Morrison's brain dies of COVID-19
UnNews:Van Morrison's brain dies of COVID-19
DUBLIN, Ireland -- UnNews is shocked and beyond saddened to report that iconic singer-songwriter Van Morrison's brain has died, just days short of his 75th birthday Monday. His brain's cause of death has been revealed to be right-wing ignorance towards COVID-19 safety guidelines. Morrison's family knew something was wrong when he dismissed these guidelines as "pseudoscience" that should be fought and ignored. The often cantankerous (and often drunk) crooner is upset over adjusting his concerts to make them comply with COVID guidelines.

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.

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