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O.J. Simpson to make triumphant return to acting NEW YORK CITY -- O.J. Simpson is finally making his triumphant return to acting, for the first time since 1994. United Artists has announced that the former NFL star and actor has been cast as Willy Loman in their film adaptation of Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman. "We're proud to lure O.J. Simpson out of retirement. He is a screen icon in the Naked Gun movies, Capricorn One, Roots, The Klansman, and who could forget Firepower with Sophia Loren, James Coburn and Eli Wallach?" the studio said in the announcement. "O.J. was born to play Willy Loman and he's going to kill it. You're going to be dead in your seat, and everyone's going to tell him, 'You did it.'" Read more... John Kerry comes out as a horse WASHINGTON -- Special Presidential Envoy for Climate John Kerry announced Wednesday that he now identifies as a horse. There had been rumors of his equestrian nature going back to his 2004 presidential campaign. Rumors and crackpot conspiracy theories also suggested he was Frankenstein's Monster, Herman Munster or Lurch. "Today I'd like to announce that, yes, I am indeed a horse," Kerry, who has also been a senator and Secretary of State, said in his press release. "I have been transitioning since October." Kerry is 95 percent complete with his transition. Read more... "Donkey Kong told me to": Man robs bananas from supermarket Last Thursday, a man was seen robbing 20 bananas from the American Palm Exceptional Supermarket (APES). He put the bananas in a red bag saying DK and instantly ran out of the supermarket like The Flash drag-racing Superman. Thankfully, the police caught him and arrested him. He was sentenced to 8 years in jail. The man, whose name has not ben released, said that Donkey Kong told him to, “Donkey Kong told me that he wanted 20 bananas”. Read more...		Latest news Stairway to Heaven declared worst song ever written, Jimmy Page now sucks O.J. Simpson to make triumphant return to acting Wikipedia finally sued by Uncyclopedia and Encyclopedia Dramatica for plagiarism WikiHow being sued by HowTo for plagiarism The Backyardigans are now castaways Justin Bieber turned into a beaver Paddington 2 declared greatest movie ever made, Citizen Kane now sucks "Kirby ate my Grandma" City invaded by pink thing "Henry Stickmin Completing the Mission!" City attacked by Stickman Tiktok's scientists train users to "scroll down" John Kerry comes out as a horse "Donkey Kong told me to": Man robs bananas from supermarket The Breakfast War Starts Mike Pence turns into a pickle Wake up call Toast seen in face of Jesus It's happening again National dogeday ensues, Dogecoin price is pumping, everyone is rich Trolling AI "indistinguishable" from humans Amazon to require workers to wear diapers » Older news
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About UnNews An Uncyclomedia project UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.	This day in news... 3 August 2016: President of NAMBLA denounces concept of gender choice 3 August 2012: Bird lovers plan same-sex “oral-day” at Chick-fil-A 3 August 2011: Scientists agree that "Zack Hill" may be the worst comic of all time 3 August 2010: Michael Schumacher to undergo therapy for recent road rage incident 3 August 2009: Portmeirion declared Britain's ‘Worst Tourist Resort’ 3 August 2008: Jeopardy producers sue Sodomy! creator 3 August 2007: Local men secure enough in masculinity to fuck other men 3 August 2006: Tropical Storm Chris approaches No Orleans	Stories with Audio UnNews remembers Phil Spector Strait Country is Rolling Stone's Gayest Album of All Time Tips to avoid the coronavirus North Korea to separate onto their own island Something might happen tomorrow UnNews remembers Burt Reynolds » More | Podcast
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