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Breaking the news since 2005
Saturday, June 25, 2022, 01:02 (UTC)

A fictitious 'Survivor' show is coming to UnNews
THIS WAY, Something Wicked -- UnNews is shocked to announce that Netflix is planning a new fiction TV show, based on the long-running reality TV blockbaster, Survivor. The reality show Survivor is a worldwide phenomenon, which started with the original German show Ich Bin Ein Celebrity Juden, Get Me Out Of Here! in 1942, and has turned into a global franchise over the years, where people are forced to live like those people in the show Lost, and prove they are able to survive for a month without any coke or strawberry condoms. The new Netflix show will be a work of fiction, meaning that it will be a totally regular show, without people talking about their personal feelings about eating cockroaches, but rather an artistic piece of television with actual real actors like Jennifer Carpenter & shit. Enter "Survivor: The Challenge", a new TV drama which will make Hitler and Putin look like Elmo's little sister.

I'm a Twihard. Let me explain.
UnNews:I'm a Twihard. Let me explain.
Hi, my name is Richard Smith, and I'm a Twihard.

But I'm not like those other Twihards out there – I'm a cool Twihard.

I've certainly never fantasized about seeing Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner shirtless. Okay, maybe I have, but don't read into it. I'm happily married. To Sam. A woman. I'm still cool, though.

(I do sing "Eyes on Fire" by Blue Foundation off-key in the shower every morning. I'm still cool, though.)

I have absolutely zero interest in attending Brigham Young University, as Stephenie Meyer did. Or conforming to any sort of Mormon lifestyle dictated by Jello-eating, fry-sauce-eating, coffee-hating, chocolate-hating weirdo white people with 400 children (and a crop in the field) and one-tenth as many wives who never curse. What fresh Outer Limits hell might that turn out to be?
UK judge desperate to cancel Julia Louis-Dreyfus
YORKSHIRE, UK -- A tribunal fed up with the three-decade popularity of comedic actress and Seinfeld co-star Julia Louis-Dreyfus has found a way to "cancel" her -- read: Publicly shun her due to some scandal, outdated of bigoted personal belief, or some other perceived slight. Many different ideas were proposed before they settled on criminalizing the act of calling people "bald," which will now be considered sexual harassment. "He proposed so many ideas, including but not limited to: Banning [National Lampoon's] Christmas Vacation; making it illegal to yell "Die!" while watching The English Patient; and arrest people for not helping some fat dud who's being carjacked at gunpoint," the official statement reads. "But we figured no blokes today even remember The English Patient. And gas prices are too bloody high for any carjackings. And it's illegal to ban Chevy Chase films, no matter how bad some of them are, like Cops and Robbersons. So the only thing left was when Ms. Louis-Dreyfus [as Elaine Benes] called that short bloke George Costanza [Jason Alexander] bald."
Amber Heard: I got caught lying in court and was called out for being a turd. I'm probably also cancelled now. That has to change.
UnNews:Amber Heard: I got caught lying in court and was called out for being a turd. I'm probably also cancelled now. That has to change.
Ten years ago I started dating Johnny Depp. He was such a nice dude. He was so yummy. I wanted to eat him.

Johnny even gave me some stuff that I really wanted, like wine and drugz, moneeey, and several of his houses in which I could bang other guys and gals. I even tricked him into leaving his stupid hoe girlfriend of 20 year and then he married me.

After a while Johnny didn't want to do drugs anymore, so I teased him about it. Then he wouldn't give me everything I wanted. He became mean. So I tried to make him do drugs again so he would give me stuff. When he didn't I started nagging him and even beat him up a few times. I threatened to tell on him for being mean.

I want you, bitch!

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Your horoscope for today: Your partner keeps making hints about wanting something black and hard for Christmas. Remember, you can get big bags of charcoal at most DIY stores.

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