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Tuesday, August 3, 2021, 06:50 (UTC)
O.J. Simpson to make triumphant return to acting
UnNews:O.J. Simpson to make triumphant return to acting
NEW YORK CITY -- O.J. Simpson is finally making his triumphant return to acting, for the first time since 1994. United Artists has announced that the former NFL star and actor has been cast as Willy Loman in their film adaptation of Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman. "We're proud to lure O.J. Simpson out of retirement. He is a screen icon in the Naked Gun movies, Capricorn One, Roots, The Klansman, and who could forget Firepower with Sophia Loren, James Coburn and Eli Wallach?" the studio said in the announcement. "O.J. was born to play Willy Loman and he's going to kill it. You're going to be dead in your seat, and everyone's going to tell him, 'You did it.'"

John Kerry comes out as a horse
UnNews:John Kerry comes out as a horse
WASHINGTON -- Special Presidential Envoy for Climate John Kerry announced Wednesday that he now identifies as a horse. There had been rumors of his equestrian nature going back to his 2004 presidential campaign. Rumors and crackpot conspiracy theories also suggested he was Frankenstein's Monster, Herman Munster or Lurch.

"Today I'd like to announce that, yes, I am indeed a horse," Kerry, who has also been a senator and Secretary of State, said in his press release. "I have been transitioning since October."

Kerry is 95 percent complete with his transition.
"Donkey Kong told me to": Man robs bananas from supermarket
UnNews:"Donkey Kong told me to": Man robs bananas from supermarket
Last Thursday, a man was seen robbing 20 bananas from the American Palm Exceptional Supermarket (APES). He put the bananas in a red bag saying DK and instantly ran out of the supermarket like The Flash drag-racing Superman. Thankfully, the police caught him and arrested him. He was sentenced to 8 years in jail. The man, whose name has not ben released, said that Donkey Kong told him to, “Donkey Kong told me that he wanted 20 bananas”.

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