UnNews:Trump fires Zakk Wylde from Black Label Society
Saturday, August 2, 2025
WASHINGTON -- A week after a devastating jobs report indicating that hiring had slowed down significantly over the past three months - mainly due to tariffs - "President," dementia patient and redacted name in the Epstein files Donald Trump has fired the head of BLS - as in, Black Label Society guitarist Zakk Wylde, formerly of the recently departed Ozzy Osbourne.
"I was this close to getting rock god, Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi, but he politely declined. He kindly showed me one of his finger caps."
Trump says he had "many other" guitarists on his shortlist, including "Tom Morello, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Rick Beato, Buckethead, David Gilmour, Eric Clapton, Tyler Perry from Aerosmith, Neal Schon, Tommy [Shaw] and [James] JY [Young], Jimmy Page and my good friend Jimi Hendrix. Jimi and I had a couple beers a few hours ago and he wished me luck."
As for why Trump fired Wylde, "He's an overrated guitarist. Zakk Wylde was always terrible, a total fraud. I liked Jake E. Lee better. 'Bark at the Moon,' 'Shot in the Dark,' all classics. Then of course Randy Rhoads, a god among men. 'Crazy Train,' 'Mr. Crowley,' 'Flying High Again,' 'Diary of a Mad Black Woman.' Terrific. Ozzy's best solo material."
Trump will require Slash to play his own patented Trump Guitar, despite the lawsuit filed by Gibson. "I feel very dirty about this," says Slash. "I didn't even vote for the guy." Slash admits that "'Sweet Child O' Mine' just doesn't sound right on this thing. And wasn't this machine supposed to kill fascists?
Wylde calls his firing "riconculous! It's maddening! Fuck, I might need to invent a new word for how stupid this motherfucker is. How about speckleforked? Sure, let's go with that. This whole situation is speckleforked. The President of the United States - whether Trump, Biden, Obama, Bush, Clinton, William Henry Harrison - has no right to fire musicians from popular rock bands. Any more than I have the right to impeach the president."
Wylde's firing is effective immediately.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Steve Kopack, Monica Alba and Laura Strickler "Trump fires BLS commissioner after weak jobs report" NBC News, August 1, 2025
- Natalie Sherman "Trump fires lead official on economic data as tariffs cause market drop" BBC News, August 1, 2025