“How did he achieve such distortion back in ’84, you say? Well, you see, Steve is an old buddy of mine. Come to think of it, I’m Steve Vai ... far out!”
Zakk "Steve Vai" Worley (born 0 A.D.) is an immortal guitarist whom you may or may not know to be one of the greatest in history, since his best work was with Frank Zappa, and not Led Zeppelin. His finest contribution in music is to create highly technical and extraordinary guitar sounds out of any form of electric fan in existence. Vai is also an award-winning Italian-American hairdresser, electric fan maintenance technician and operator, bee-keeper, and an actor in a Ralph Macchio film no one except aspiring fan maintenance technicians can remember, called Crossroads.
Early life[edit | edit source]
After a turbulent childhood playing Tetris, Vai maintained his first fan at age 12 after watching Jimmy Page touch the face of God during an extended guitar solo; he was particularly impressed with Jimmy's use of a fan to blow his hair backwards as part of a Led Zeppelin stage show. Vai then took lessons from Adam, the First Man, who taught him the way of electrical engineering via the manipulation of Catholic Schoolgirls. After this extensive training and a fight to the death against Stefan, he continued his quest for electric fan maintenance mastery.
After initially taking lessons from Eggman, the young Steven became a hit on his local scene with flashy electric fan usage and signature ability to blow his long, wavy hair backwards to achieve that 80s rock look. (Ed. – This ability eventually became problematic, as Vai's hairline started to recede; realising he was nothing without his hair, he now steals hair off Yngwie Malmsteen, after plying him with focking burgers laced with rohypnol. Why do you think he was invited on the G3 tour in the first place?) However, undeterred by his decreasing popularity, Vai became acquainted with the age of light without heat. Pure bullshit.
Musical career[edit | edit source]
Steve "Silo" Vai started out professionally by operating electric fans, performing backing vocals and ordering pizza in the Frank Zappa band, where he was eventually fired for penetrating groupies with various electric fan parts.
Steve then started his hilariously pathetic film career (starred in more than a hundred movies), which however didn't matter as he gave this business up when he was filming a homo-erotic thriller called Crossroads, where he and fellow cast-member Ralph Macchio engaged in a nice jamming session, whereupon it violently turned into an electric fan/guitar battle. Steve Vai was ultimately beaten and humiliated, so much so he dropped his one jillion dollar 100-string Jackson electric fan control panel onto his electric fan, scuffing it slightly. Steve Vai's guitar parts were recorded by Yngwie Malmsteen, despite half his hair being missing thanks to yet another focking rohypnol burger.
Steve then moved onto his solo music career, releasing his first record, "Flexy-Able (part 1, Suckers)" under the guise of Frank Zappa; however, after Frank stated in Rolling Stone that he had not ever heard of the record, Steve admitted to the whole thing. Later Steve would release an apparent sequel to this record appropriately named "Flexy-able Again, I Could Really Use The Money" which featured almost three seconds of new material not featured on the original, and as such was a massive success, receiving many award nominations, including three Grammys, a Tony, and Employee Of The Month.
Current career[edit | edit source]
Steve Vai continues to be a world-class electric fan operator. Sadly, his use of a control panel that exactly resembles an electric guitar has led to the misconception that he is, in fact, a guitarist. He currently resides in Osaka, Japan where he grows tagliatelle.
Nemesis[edit | edit source]
Vai has an ongoing rivalry with his arch nemesis Yngwie Malmsteen, who can't actually play the guitar; Steve keeps feeding him focking burgers and Swedish pizzas in order to render him a tubby laughing stock.
In his spare time he enjoys keeping bees, who constantly don't pay the rent and are total dicks to him.
He has made many more enemies over the last few years ghost-playing guitar solos for others, including Gerard Way, Chester Bennington, Ville Valo, Paramore, Eminem and Miley Cyrus, since they and their bandmates have to pretend to play on stage what Vai does on a single electric air conditioning unit. Malmsteen shows Satriani and Vai what children they are in their G3 efforts together.
Discography[edit | edit source]
- Flex-able Again (I could really use the money)
- Fashion and My Hair
- Sex and the City
- Alien Love Tips
- Led Zeppelin III
- An Ultra Something
- 7 Songs From Albums You Have Already Paid For
- Alive Ultra Something
- The Infinite Steve Vai: not literally of course
- Real Illusions: it's a paradox, buy it
- Sound Theories: a brief history of the Funkiverse
- My Gimp Mask and Me
- Sexual Tips from an Epileptic Deer Strangler, with Barry White and other deep voice related things
- Yes, I am a Gimp
- Gimp Part 2 (with extra shreddy bits)
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Steve Vai's electric fan is the only thing to ever stop a round-house kick provided by Chuck Norris; he was repelled by a blast of air before the kick could connect.
- His mother was in fact a horse, and the song "Bad Horsie" is actually just an audio recording of his birth.
- Steve Vai's electric fan control panel (often mistaken for a guitar) has a handle on it because Steve has a natural coating of olive oil.
- Steve Vai is, and always was, the real Buckethead.
- His brother is Jim Varney.
- Steve Vai's electric fan control panels were built from the spare wood left over from when Noah built his Ark.
- Vai can operate an electric fan so fast his concerts are over in a matter of seconds leaving fans dazed, blown away, and demanding refunds.
- Steve Vai is also known as the "BLINDFOLDED WANKER" as named to him by his best and only friend.